Before reading this, put your hand to your heart to mark this poignant moment in history. Because you are about to learn a secret recipe that was known to only to a few elite people in the world, including Pawan Kalyan, Chandrababu Naidu, and myself. As a firm believer in India’s vibrant democracy, I reveal this secret for the benefit of the masses.

Beef laddu, or Pawan laddu as it is fondly called in Andhra Pradesh, is a mouthwatering dessert that was once the food of the dark-skinned asuras. However, because of a Christian missionary conspiracy, the laddus that were prepared for the asuras lost their way and ended in the hands of born-vegetarians. Since then, the episode has broiled into the hottest issue in India, eclipsing petty issues such as the eighty million people living in poverty, communal riots and loss of lives in the Eastern Indian state of Manipur, and the billions of rupees appropriated from the public by Supreme Leader in the form of PM Cares fund. 

 

The ingredients you need

Grass-fed beef.  Ghee. I recommend AR Ghee because their ghee is said to have expensive fish oil in it, and thus superior in quality. But I have used an inferior non-enriched ghee as I couldn't find AR Ghee. Cardamom Organic sugarcane jaggeryRava (semolina)RaisinsCashew nutsLife insurance—just in case India’s cow lovers get hold of youHealth insurance—in case India’s cow lovers were not fully successful in their mission

Estimated time required: 6-24 hrs for marinating the beef, 4 hours for dehydrating the beef (add 1-6 months for post-mob attack recovery if you live in India).

 

Step 1: Lock your door (if you live in India)

 

Step 2: Shred the beef into small pieces, soak it in a thick jaggery solution and leave it in the refrigerator for 6-24 hours for marination.

 

Step 3: Remove the beef, pat it dry on a paper towel (use of handkerchief, or pallu of saree, lungi tip is not allowed).

 

Step 4: Dehydrate the beef in a dehydrator (like it is done for beef jerky), or heat it in a hot-air oven at 75 degrees Celsius for four hours. Keep the oven door slightly open to let the moisture escape. A well-done beef should look like Pawan Kalyan, the saviour of future India. Mine looks like Chandrababu Naidu as I took it off the oven prematurely. It is okay for the beef to look like Chandrababu Naidu if you intend to consume the laddu immediately.

Step 5: Dry roast the rava until it is acceptably aromatic. Nicely roasted rava should give you goosebumps—as if you were listening to the Supreme Leader’s master speech about India becoming a superpower in 2024. Add jaggery to this rava and keep it aside.

 

Step 6: In a pan, heat the ghee and roast the beef and cashew nuts in it. When the nuts turn golden brown, add the raisins. Bring it down, let it cool to the lukewarm stage, and add the roasted rava to this. 

 

Step 7: Stir well, and roll it into balls. If the beef was well-dehydrated, the laddus can be stored comfortably in your refrigerator until the value of 1 rupee equals 1 USD.

 

If you had read until here, consider buying my satirical novel Saint Richard Parker. It narrates the story of a cow-offender—how karma catches up with him even when he runs away to Southeast Asia. I am thinking of donating 1 rupees/ book sold to Janasena Party, founded by Pawan Kalyan, our Supreme Leader Jr. in the making. 

 

Statutory warning: Possessing, consuming or dreaming of eating beef in India is a criminal offence punishable by mob lynching or imprisonment.