3 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Your Children
The other day I was preparing lunch for my kids while
launching a new advertising campaign. My twin daughters were asking all sorts
of questions and complaining about each other. I also had a throbbing headache.
Finally, when they both entered the kitchen pointing fingers at each other I
erupted like a Hawaiian volcano, “That’s it! I’ve had it with you two. Get out
of my sight or I’ll tan your backsides.” The girls thrust thumbs into mouths and
wept.
Please give me a few tips on what not to say to my kids to
avoid foot-mouth disease.
All parents say the wrong thing sometimes. The trick is to
catch yourself doing it and change your behavior. We don’t want our children to
feel angry, confused, or hurt due to our actions. Here are three behaviors you
should avoid.
Threats
Let’s start with your threat. When you make a threat you
need to follow through or your children won’t trust you. Threatening physical
punishment is also a no-no. The only reason you threatened the girls was due to
your own frustration. I suggest you don’t multi-task and handle one project at
a time. When you become overwhelmed by your twins’ behavior, redirect them to
another project, remove them from a situation, or give them a time out.
Telling your child how to feel
Telling a child, “Don’t be sad,” or “Don’t be a baby,” when
tears flow sends a message that your daughter’s emotions aren’t valid. Rather
than denying your child the right to feel a particular way, acknowledge the
emotion. For example, if one of your girls runs from snakes, say, “I know
adults who are frightened of snakes, too. I’ll stand here with you until that
snake crawls away.”
When an adult names real feelings you provide a vocabulary
for a child to express herself. You are also educating that boy or girl about
the meaning of empathy.
Name-calling
As a child, I’d trip over my two feet and scrape a knee. My
mom would good naturally say, “You’re such a klutz,” and laugh. My mom meant
well, but labeling a child can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and if said
enough times, the child believes it. It is no wonder I rarely tried out for
sports or other activities requiring sure-footedness. Instead of criticizing
the child, address the behavior leaving the adjectives out of your vocabulary.
For example, Mom could have said, “Next time, tie your shoes before you go
chasing after the ball.” This would have been preferable to the “klutz” label.
We all say things we later regret. The key is to be willing
to learn from our mistakes and to grow as a parent.
Learn more about Michael Thal on his website.
