HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE IN A SARRA MANNING NOVEL

1. There is literally no one who understands you. The real you, that is, and not the shiny, glittering you that you show the world. It saddens and disappoints you, quite frankly.

2. Although you like to think you have increased word power you, like, say, ‘whatever’ all the time. See also whatevs, whevs, triple whatever. Whatever.

3. There’s a boy, a man, a manchild. He’s tousle-haired, slumbrous of eye, smirky of lip and lean of frame. He moves you in ways that would make other people write sonnets. You make mix-tapes instead.

4. Although you try to listen to your head, your sensible, level head, your heart is a wild beast that can’t be tamed or hold its drink and it gets you in trouble time and time again. Your foolish heart wins out every single time.

5. In times of emotional turmoil, which typically amounts for a large part of your every waking hour, you take refuge in a family-sized bag of potato-based snacks. Also chocolate. Much chocolate. Something about the combination of sweet and salt speaks to the chaos in your soul.

6. There is a dress. A perfect dress. When you find and purchase this frock, amazing things happen to you.

7. The previously mentioned manchild is incapable of speaking. Instead he drawls. Occasionally he purrs. Usually while slouching nonchalantly against a doorjamb.

8. There have been times when your entire life has taken on an entirely new shape in the time times it takes for someone to kiss you.

9. You live in London and you love the city’s frantic beating heart. Apart from when you actually live in a small, boring town where nothing ever happens.

10. Let’s not even talk about the hair.

11. There are at least three polka-dot dresses, two of them vintage, hanging up in your wardrobe. You can never have too many polka-dot dresses. You can never have too many vintage dresses. A vintage polka-dot dress is fashion nirvana.

12. You could never settle for a man who lacked the ability to arch one eyebrow. Or smirk. Or, as previously mentioned, slouch nonchalantly against doorjambs.

13. The ability to apply liquid eyeliner and your in-depth knowledge of obscure areas of popular culture are what sets you apart from the masses.

14. You often look younger than you are, but your soul is positively geriatric.

15. There is a kind of happy ever after but it’s not the kind of happy ever after that necessarily includes florid declarations of love. It may include bickering and the occasional china-smashing row at three in the morning. That’s OK. You’re suspicious of anything as sentimental and cliched as a florid declaration of love. Your happy ever after is still a happy ever after.

With apologies and much, much fond affection to The Toast.

Photo credit: http://favim.com/image/514989/