Robert Wuthnow’s research revealed that when the average small group member would share a particular struggle in his or her life, along with the decision on how to handle the struggle, other group members were not in a position to challenge what was shared — even if they sense that the decision being made might harm the other person. The most common response in a group is to say nothing; the most aggressive response is to timidly suggest that this isn’t the course of action they would personally take. Now, if the decision involves the breed of cat to purchase or the menu selection for an upcoming wedding anniversary, then a nonchallenging response is appropriate. But what if the decision is to leave one’s spouse, or to buy something that will put a person in massive debt, or to embrace the view that all religions have a valid path that lead to the same God? Or more realistically, what if the issues involve a strained relationship or making a career change? Applying Scripture to such practical issues is central to living as a follower of Jesus Christ, yet many small groups fail to consistently do this.

We define a “co-dependent” person as someone who enables a person to continue in his or her destructive behavior, such as alcohol or substance abuse. And there is a slight difference between a codependent person and a tolerant person.  The difference is determined by the nature of the behavior of the other person: If the behavior is seen as moral and nondestructive to herself and others, then the confronting person is considered tolerant; if the behavior is immoral and destructive to herself and others, then the confronting person is considered codependent.

Are our small group relationships merely tolerant—or even worse, codependent?  Or are they based on a set of shared, mutual convictions about the things that lead to thriving, healthy relationships?  The Christian faith offers us a basic set of beliefs, values, practices, and virtues that Christians believe are essential for a constructive and fruitful life.  The Word of God is powerful to effect change and transformation in the lives of people, but it must be applied in to our relationships, a practice that rubs against our ingrained cultural individualism.  Consider the words of the apostle Peter:

“His [God’s] divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins.

Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.”  (2 Peter 1:3–11)

In this passage, we find a basic and essential set of beliefs, values, practices, and virtues set out for us, which still leave room for disagreement on the nonessentials. As Robert Wuthnow has suggested, one of the major problems with the typical small group in America is that people do not enter the group with a common understanding and commitment to the basic tenets of the Christian faith. They may acknowledge that their church has a doctrinal statement of beliefs, but often they do not understand the relationship of these beliefs to daily life and therefore are not really committed to them for everyday living. These beliefs, which form the bedrock of Christian identity and practice, have no practical influence in the small group. Instead, everyone has their own individual idea or opinion as to what the Christian life is all about.