Women…will men ever really understand us? I mean, will there be some epiphany that every knuckle dragging Neanderthal on the planet has that will help them comprehend how the mind of the fairer sex operates? Chances are about as slim as monkeys flying out of my ass right now. Nope, still no monkeys. Let us use the man in my life for example…my husband. We’ve said the whole “I dos” and “till death do us part” mumbo jumbo but I’m starting to believe that his death might come sooner than later. Okay I wouldn’t really kill him…not now anyway! This would be a confession and quite frankly, I’m not that big of an idiot. What really happens after ten plus years of marriage? Are you still having cuddle puddles in the living room floor? Do you eat off each other’s plates and leave love notes around the house? Or maybe you still kiss each other goodnight and have sex a few times a day. Let me stop you right there. I’m sorry to burst your carefully crafted bubble, but the above is, how can I put this kindly…bullshit. On this premise I’ve decided to compile a list of examples. Evidence if you will, on why after 10 years of marriage, the only options are to assume a new identity and flee the country, or stick with it and hope you aren’t standing over your husband’s bedside at 3am with a bloody knife in your hand. But before you judge me, please admit to yourself that you have thought about dispatching your husband in a sinister way, at least once in your life. If you haven’t, kudos to you, he has you fooled into thinking he’s not a dick.

Time to put the Husband on Trial.

Plaintiff- The wife

Defendant-The Husband

Both parties have been sworn in, so let us begin…

Your Honor, I would like to enter into evidence, item A…. “You sure have let yourself go”

May it please the court that this piece of damning evidence was presented to council just recently. It was given at a crucial time when the plaintiff was operating a motor vehicle. She was minding her own business and wham! The husband in question hit her with this unflattering statement. I don’t know about the jury but if I were the plaintiff I would’ve bitch slapped him so hard his head would’ve flipped open like a Pez dispenser. But she did not do this. She kept to herself and didn’t say much while tears formed in her eyes. The husband in question laughed while saying the words “I’m sorry.” So I ask you good people of the jury, would you forgive him? Sure the plaintiff hasn’t fixed her hair in a few days but it’s still clean. She hasn’t worn makeup in a while, but there’s really no need. And yes, when she puts on pants they are mostly yoga pants. But this is no reason to tell her “You sure have let yourself go”.

I would like to enter into evidence, item B…. “We live like a bunch of pigs”

Ladies and Gentleman of the Jury, the husband in question is clearly a drama queen. The plaintiff has never, nor ever plans to have a home so messy and cluttered that it resembles that of a farm animal dwelling. She merely finds herself swamped sometimes that it’s hard to keep up. Does it help that there’s a child in the home who thinks the floor is a garbage can? Does the jury believe it’s right that said husband peels his clothing off like a snake shedding its skin, and leaves it where he was standing? Or does the jury think that the plaintiff is responsible for cleaning up after everyone in the home with no help whatsoever? I don’t believe that at all. I believe she should have help in the chores around the home. I believe that this isn’t the 50’s and that the husband should do his part.

Entering into evidence now is, item C…. “You never want to have sex with me”

As your honor and the jury can attest, a woman’s libido diminishes as her age increases. There are several other scientific factors such as medical conditions, medications…these are all examples of things that grossly interfere with the female body. The plaintiff here suffers from chronic back and nerve pain. Finding the energy to even get up in the morning is a feat for someone like her. When it’s time to lay her head down at night, all she wants, and needs to do, is sleep. The jury surely understands the immense value of a restful night, do they not? But alas, the husband is, after all, a sexually driven human being. He was given 2 heads. One above the waist and the one hidden behind his zipper. I don’t have to tell you which one he thinks with the most. A slight breeze could get him to stand at attention like a battalion of military men. Is it wrong for the plaintiff to deny this marital right to her husband when she is barely able to hold her head up? Should she go ahead and do something that she won’t be 100% in to? I really think the people in this courtroom would all agree that if you aren’t 100% into something, there’s really no point in doing it.

Finally before we take a short recess, I would like to place into evidence, item D…. “Oh you’re going somewhere, I’ll go with you”

As a trusted attorney of the plaintiff let me start this off with the truth about my client. She is a trustworthy person. She hasn’t done anything to break that trusting bond with her husband. But the husband in question seems to think she needs a chaperone when running to the store for laundry detergent. He won’t let her go anywhere alone, and when she attempts to, he gets what I like to call “pissy”. The plaintiff only wants to spend a few moments alone to reflect on things in her life. She is a writer. She has been given a brain that never really shuts down. There’s always plots, characters and multiple other things that she evaluates. But not having that time alone causes her to become confused and aggravated at herself. Thus setting off a chain reaction of bad attitudes and mood swings. The husband doesn’t understand why she needs this time alone, he only wants what he wants. Yet again, thinking with his little head. When will this madness stop?

Closing Arguments

In conclusion, members of the jury, your esteemed honor presiding today, I urge you to look closely at the items laid before you. Try to grasp the very nature of them. Try to imagine yourself in those situations. What would you do? What would you say? Would you be driven bat shit crazy and begin to feel terrible about yourself as a human being? Or would you brush it off and hope that the husband betters his ways before he finds copious amounts of rat poison in his dinner? The plaintiff can only take so much. Thank you.

So as you see, the male brain is incapable of what some would call a “filter”. It’s not an outspoken thing, it’s a “being a dick” thing. I’ve contemplated the fake identity thing, and yes I’ve had visions of ways to “hide the body” but here I sit hoping it will get better. I continue to shake my head and take things in stride. It’s not easy. So after 10 years of marriage I can safely say that no, we do not cuddle puddle, kiss each other goodnight or leave love notes. And if he even reaches across the table for something on my plate, I won’t hesitate to shank him with the fork in my hand.

Peace, Love and Pages

C.D. Taylor/Taylor Dawn