*This entry is a part of a continuous series, reading the previous entries will help you follow without missing a beat*

I now had a new home with no job to pay for it. I went to social services who said I had to file for unemployment first, so I did. Unemployment held me for a while and when there prognosis wasn’t getting better, I filed for disability and after a few months was awarded disability.

My Cobra Insurance ended and I had just applied for medicare.  I was seeing a rheumatologist and agreed to be a part of a study he was doing on people with Ankylosing Spondylitis because my health insurance was going to expire soon now that I wasn’t working. Just before the study I was rushed to the emergency room with severe chest pains and trouble breathing.  The doctors ran all sorts of test and finally came to me and said, “you need to see an oncologist right away. I’m not saying you have cancer but your x-rays indeed show something has aggressively attacked your liver, lungs and spleen and because you have no health insurance, there is nothing else we can do.” Just like that. No foreplay, no Vaseline…my immediate thought was I’m fucked! My health insurance has expired and it will be awhile until I can get county insurance because everything is in process. I was about to cry but remembered my daughter was with me so I had to hold it together. I felt the “Little Girl Lost” knees buckle so I held her up, wrapped my arms around my daughter who is now crying, took a deep breath and asked, “so what do I do now? How do I get care with no health insurance?” His response was a chilling, “I really don’t know what to tell you ma’am but if it is in fact cancer…it is aggressive and moving rapidly so you need to seek out an oncologist quickly” as he handed me my discharge papers. I remember consoling my daughter reassuring her that I will be fine. In my mind I was screaming, “WHAT IS THIS GOD? NOT NOW, NOT AFTER ALL WE”VE BEEN THROUGH…PLEASE!”

“God will not give you more than you can bear. Just when you feel like your back is breaking…the weight is lifted and you can stand straight again. He knows exactly how much you can carry and you find that you are stronger than you thought. You have also built muscles for the future.”~Sanjo Jendayi

My appointment with the rheumatologist was approaching a few days after this hospital visit and I was a wreck. Crying at night when both my kids were asleep and putting on a happy face during the day. Finally at the doctor’s office and the damn broke. I sat in the waiting room crying my eyes out until the doctor called me to the back and I blubbered out everything they told me in the emergency room. The look of sadness in his eyes penetrated my heart but here was also a hint of hope. He said, “Let me make a call because NIH has a few studies open and although this new news disqualifies you for my study, you may be able to get in with them. They have a long waiting list and it’s a 50/50 chance that you will get on their waiting list. I can’t guarantee anything but pray that they can accept you.” He made the call while I silently prayed and they took my information over the phone and said someone would be in touch with me within the next few weeks.  I thanked him and went home to pray some more. I fought the thoughts that if this was cancer, it could kill me in a few weeks. I fought the thoughts that they would deny me. I began constantly replacing negative thoughts with positive statement, declarations and scripture. I told myself that he who began a good work in me would carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus! (Philippians 1:6).  Every day I said therefore do not worry about tomorrow Desi because tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34) Philippians 4:6 “Desi, do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayers and thanksgiving, present your request to God”, You will live and not die.

At the end of that 1st week, I received a call from NIH Cardoza Branch that I not only was accepted but I had been pushed to the top of the waiting list! My appointment was that following week. I cried tears of joy thanking them, thanking God and flat out thankful!

When I arrived for my appointment everything was on fast forward…they ran test, they asked a million questions about my health history, my families health history. They made me bend, move, stretch. I saw Ophthalmologist, Rheumatologists. I had skin removed from small lesions that was forming on my upper body for testing and finally the pre-diagnosis was in…they believed it was a disease called Sarcoidosis but they had to do a biopsy to be certain. They scheduled me for a Bronchoscopy, a less invasive biopsy where they would go in through my mouth, look at my lungs and cut some tissue from my lungs for testing. I remember telling myself, “Just think healthy thoughts, keep seeing yourself completely healthy despite what is going on physically.”

www,sanjojendayi.com