*This entry is a part of a continuous series, reading the previous entries will help you follow without missing a beat*

 “When one’s life has been shattered into a million pieces, most set out to pick up the pieces & rebuild. Others look at those broken pieces & decide this is their opportunity to start anew, the bigger picture comes into view. They see more & want better so they leave those pieces scattered as a memorial to who they used to be!” ― Sanjo Jendayi

Life is full of surprises…after losing everything material I truly found myself. I tapped into my inner power and found greatness! The “Little Girl Lost” and I were walking through this life hand in hand not afraid to give in to that childish whim to just run and do a flip on the beach without a care who’s looking. I learned to retreat within when facing challenges. All the inner work I had done had proved quite beneficial however; my true test was yet to come.

In 2013, I shared creative space with a friend. I had NEVER done that before but I shared my creative process, my thought process, my creative research, marketing strategies…hell, my entire creative energetic flow without holding back. We created a masterpiece and all that I had been through prior seemed worth the price of admission once our project hit the market. It was a magical time of building. My health was on track because I was beating my body into submission with healthy eating, working out and living a drama free life.

Somewhere along the way, something happened. I was working so hard that I began missing my meditations, skipping my workouts as well as a meal or two. There was a shift taking place and I felt it. I wasn’t quite sure what was about to take place but I could feel in my Spirit that the energy wasn’t good. Mini-Dramas were beginning to creep in consistently. I addressed this shift and began to point out things that I was seeing to my partner. I once wrote about following your gut instinct but I was slowly pushing that feeling to the back burner in the name of business AND friendship. I ignored the fact that I was getting sick and refused to delve into WHY my body was speaking dis-ease again.

Needless to say, that shift proved the professional foundation I thought was being built was shaky to say the least. Things began to take place that seemed surreal and it was everything ratchet tv was made of, the joke was definitely on me. Surprise, surprise!

When the shift finally hit the fan, I wasn’t as prepared as I thought I would be and the pain of it all nearly sent me into total darkness. I walked away from the business, I walked away from the relationships, I walked away to save my very life…but why did I feel so weighted down? It seemed in a blink of an eye, I was facing loss YET AGAIN, but this time it was more than material things, it was people who I’ve known for years and cared deeply for…in fact; several relationships were altered forever in the mayhem.

I tried to save face and remain positive in the face of chaos but chaos laughed at me. I tried to utilize all of my tools from self-discovery but none of it worked because I was angry! There. I said it. I was mad as hell! I went through the 5 stages of loss…first, was denial and isolation. I didn’t want to be bothered with anyone; I would try to make sense of it in my head but cry for lack of answers.

Then I was angry and wanted to lash out because the pain was too much to handle on top of everything else I had lost. Next, I began the mental gymnastics of trying to rationalize what happened, how we got to this god forsaken place. I prematurely tried to “move on” but quickly realized I had not completed the necessary work to do so. I was reverting back to my superwoman mindset instead of actually FEELING the hurt and then dealing with it.

The phase that got to me the most was the depression phase. There are certain things in life that cause you to question yourself, your mission, your very purpose. In that depression state, I questioned everything…including my judge of character. I even got mad at myself for not seeing this sooner, for being caught slipping, off guard. My trust was broken. I felt used and very vulnerable.

Although I have overcome many obstacles in my life; I would bend but I WOULD NOT BREAK… This situation was like that straw that broke the camel’s back. See, the camel had been routinely beat down by carrying heavy loads and the last straw came when he could absolutely carry no more and as a simple, lightweight straw was placed on his back a very sudden reaction took place. The attempts to assassinate my character, the blatant betrayal and lies were all combined into that straw for me. I had to remind myself that this one experience does not and will not define me and to continue to give in to this negativity would amount to wasted energy. I have to forgive and move on, the question then becomes; What is my 1st step to releasing this anger properly?

The “Little Girl Lost” had quietly begun rebuilding a wall with every brick of pain and disappointment. I had to go back to all of my teachings, all that I had learned and it took everything in me to speak truths to my soul and slowly use those same bricks to build stepping stones. I did a lot of mirror work and meditating to get to the final stage of loss which is acceptance. I had to stop pointing fingers and accept the situation for what it was, as well as accept my role in it taking responsibility for my own actions and re-actions. In hindsight, I could’ve done a few things differently.  Let me be the 1st to tell you that acceptance does not mean healed, yet it is a powerful step in the right direction. Healing is taking place daily and believe me when I say, “some days are better than others.”

This has been a rough 3 yrs full of loss, pain, joy and plenty of lessons. I’ve learned that “friends” aren’t always those closest to you. Some whom we call “friend” are the very ones watching, waiting and sometimes plotting for our fall. Some whom we have known for a short while stand closer than those for years. I’ve learned that some will use you for your intellectual properties until you are no longer useful. Intellectual Properties are your thoughts, your creativity, your ideas, your mind and I learned its true value this year. I gave away my intellectual properties for free without knowing its true value only to watch my ideas and creative processes utilized without me. I’ve learned that the biggest betrayal was my own because I betrayed self when I ignored my gut, when I allowed the outside circumstances to affect my health and when I continued to give out of depletion. I’ve also learned that no matter how much light I possess, I possess darkness too and I don’t have to rid myself of one to benefit from the other. I embrace both because they are both necessary. It is in the dark that the brightest stars are visible. I’ve learned that I am more flexible than I once believed and I am planted firmly in rich soil. I bend but I DON’T BREAK. I have learned that what is for me is for me and NOTHING or NO ONE can change that. I’ve learned the power in silence and most importantly, I have learned the true healing power in written and spoken word. Last, but certainly not least…I learned that I cannot let an earthly circumstance disable me spiritually. My body is back fighting me and I must shift this energy, in order to really live life the way I envision it because even though I sometimes act like I have no limitations; my body has a way of reminding me that my life really depends on me keeping myself balanced…mind, body and spirit. Now, I have to convey all of these lessons to the “Little Girl Lost” because she was just beginning to trust me, my choices, this journey and now she’s a tad bit skeptical. Instead of picking up the shattered pieces of what was, I decided to be thankful for another opportunity to move mountains!!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.sanjojendayi.com