Michelle (Pink Polka Dot Books)
asked
Heather Demetrios:
I just finished Bad Romance and I don't think I've ever read a book that so accurately depicted an experience that I've been through. Thank you for writing a book about relationship violence that ISN'T necessarily physical. What advice would you give someone who is having trouble leaving someone like Gavin?
Heather Demetrios
I'm so glad this book found it's way to you! You can find tons of resources, inspiration, and encouragement on the Bad Romance tumblr (www.badromancebook.tumblr.com), but here is what I would tell high school Heather:
1. Trust Yourself
I knew this guy was bad news, just like Grace knows Gavin is bad news. My gut was telling me to run in the other direction—as far and as fast as possible. But I ignored that constant tug to get out. I didn’t trust the inner voice that was begging me to leave, leave, leave him. Now I know that a part of me had my own back and was trying to rescue crazy in love Heather from the biggest mistake she would ever make in her life. I wish I had been able to trust myself and believe that I knew what was best for my heart. If you’re in a bad romance and your gut is telling you to go—even though you know it will hurt like hell to leave—listen.
2. Actions Speak Louder Than Words – So Watch What He Does As Much As What He Says
My bad romance was a smooth criminal with a silver tongue. He was so good at saying the right thing at the right time. Just when I thought I was finally going to be able to break up with him, he’d say something sweet and romantic and unforgettable. It didn’t matter that he’d been screaming at me two seconds beforehand or that he scared me when he was mad. It didn’t matter that he’d called me a bitch or made me feel like I was worthless. I’m a sucker for some good words, which is why I became a writer. I was powerless in front of phrases like I love you more than anyone or anything in the world. You’re everything to me. I would tell younger Heather to refuse to let words cover wounds. If he can’t back up those pretty phrases with respect and true love and gentleness, then he doesn’t get to be with me. Period.
3. Do What You Want
The most difficult part of our relationship was my senior year—he was in college and thought all those activities (school dances, senior events, the shows I was in) were lame. He would get pissed when I wanted to do things like the drama trip to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival or prom or graduation parties and wanted us to hang out on our own instead, or with his friends. I was really proud of myself for finally getting a pair and telling him I was going to do those things, whether he liked it or not. It was the first time I’d really defied him and it ended up giving me the courage I needed to break up with him. So if you’re in a bad romance, don’t give in to the pressure to ditch your friends, or not do activities you’re excited about. Live your life and if he’s not along for the ride, then maybe he shouldn’t be invited in the first place.
4. Listen To Your Friends
My friends told me over and over that I needed to break up with him. I convinced myself that they just didn’t understand, that we had a love that was going to set the world on fire. But I wasn’t listening to myself, I wasn’t trusting the voice inside me that was telling me they were right. My boyfriend got between us and to this day I am grateful my friends never gave up on me. They believed in me and stood by me even when I ditched them or rolled my eyes or ignored their good advice. So I would tell myself to listen to them, to understand that they aren’t jealous of me, they’re afraid for me. I would ask myself to compare them with my boyfriend: which one made me laugh and feel good about myself (my friends) and which one broke me down, day by day? They saved me.
5. Stop Hiding Your Pain
I was recently on the phone with my mom, talking about Bad Romance, and she said: “I had no idea any of this was going on when you were in high school.” There’s a lot to unpack with that sentence, but the main thing is this: I was hiding my misery. I was embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to know how often we were fighting or the hurtful things my boyfriend would do and say. I knew I was the girlfriend equivalent of a battered wife. I knew I was being treated like crap and that I had become a total doormat. I felt so incredibly stupid and stuck. But I couldn’t find my way out. So I pretended I was happy and in love and that everything was fine. Because of that, only my closest friends were able to reach out and help me—and not even they knew how dangerous my situation had become. I would tell younger Heather to not be ashamed. To get help and know that it’s okay if you can’t handle things on your own. I would tell her that she is worthy of real, true love and that she should never, ever believe that it’s her fault when the boy she loves hurts her.
1. Trust Yourself
I knew this guy was bad news, just like Grace knows Gavin is bad news. My gut was telling me to run in the other direction—as far and as fast as possible. But I ignored that constant tug to get out. I didn’t trust the inner voice that was begging me to leave, leave, leave him. Now I know that a part of me had my own back and was trying to rescue crazy in love Heather from the biggest mistake she would ever make in her life. I wish I had been able to trust myself and believe that I knew what was best for my heart. If you’re in a bad romance and your gut is telling you to go—even though you know it will hurt like hell to leave—listen.
2. Actions Speak Louder Than Words – So Watch What He Does As Much As What He Says
My bad romance was a smooth criminal with a silver tongue. He was so good at saying the right thing at the right time. Just when I thought I was finally going to be able to break up with him, he’d say something sweet and romantic and unforgettable. It didn’t matter that he’d been screaming at me two seconds beforehand or that he scared me when he was mad. It didn’t matter that he’d called me a bitch or made me feel like I was worthless. I’m a sucker for some good words, which is why I became a writer. I was powerless in front of phrases like I love you more than anyone or anything in the world. You’re everything to me. I would tell younger Heather to refuse to let words cover wounds. If he can’t back up those pretty phrases with respect and true love and gentleness, then he doesn’t get to be with me. Period.
3. Do What You Want
The most difficult part of our relationship was my senior year—he was in college and thought all those activities (school dances, senior events, the shows I was in) were lame. He would get pissed when I wanted to do things like the drama trip to the Oregon Shakespeare Festival or prom or graduation parties and wanted us to hang out on our own instead, or with his friends. I was really proud of myself for finally getting a pair and telling him I was going to do those things, whether he liked it or not. It was the first time I’d really defied him and it ended up giving me the courage I needed to break up with him. So if you’re in a bad romance, don’t give in to the pressure to ditch your friends, or not do activities you’re excited about. Live your life and if he’s not along for the ride, then maybe he shouldn’t be invited in the first place.
4. Listen To Your Friends
My friends told me over and over that I needed to break up with him. I convinced myself that they just didn’t understand, that we had a love that was going to set the world on fire. But I wasn’t listening to myself, I wasn’t trusting the voice inside me that was telling me they were right. My boyfriend got between us and to this day I am grateful my friends never gave up on me. They believed in me and stood by me even when I ditched them or rolled my eyes or ignored their good advice. So I would tell myself to listen to them, to understand that they aren’t jealous of me, they’re afraid for me. I would ask myself to compare them with my boyfriend: which one made me laugh and feel good about myself (my friends) and which one broke me down, day by day? They saved me.
5. Stop Hiding Your Pain
I was recently on the phone with my mom, talking about Bad Romance, and she said: “I had no idea any of this was going on when you were in high school.” There’s a lot to unpack with that sentence, but the main thing is this: I was hiding my misery. I was embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to know how often we were fighting or the hurtful things my boyfriend would do and say. I knew I was the girlfriend equivalent of a battered wife. I knew I was being treated like crap and that I had become a total doormat. I felt so incredibly stupid and stuck. But I couldn’t find my way out. So I pretended I was happy and in love and that everything was fine. Because of that, only my closest friends were able to reach out and help me—and not even they knew how dangerous my situation had become. I would tell younger Heather to not be ashamed. To get help and know that it’s okay if you can’t handle things on your own. I would tell her that she is worthy of real, true love and that she should never, ever believe that it’s her fault when the boy she loves hurts her.
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