Absurd Quotes

“A First Sign of the Beginning of Understanding is the Wish to Die.”
― Franz Kafka

“No! Please! I'll tell you whatever you want to know!" the man yelled.
"Really?" said Vimes. "What's the orbital velocity of the moon?"
"What?"
"Oh, you'd like something simpler?”
― Terry Pratchett, Night Watch

“To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.”
― Woody Allen

“Just because you're beautiful and perfect, it's made you conceited.”
― William Goldman, The Princess Bride

“Solitude gives birth to the original in us, to beauty unfamiliar and perilous - to poetry. But also, it gives birth to the opposite: to the perverse, the illicit, the absurd.”
― Thomas Mann, Death in Venice and Other Tales

“Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.”
― Garrison Keillor

“It's a beautiful thing, the destruction of words.”
― George Orwell, 1984

“Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.”
― Jon Stewart

“I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.”
― Woody Allen

“It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.”
― Woody Allen

“I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.”
― Groucho Marx

“Some who have read the book, or at any rate have reviewed it, have found it boring, absurd, or contemptible, and I have no cause to complain, since I have similar opinions of their works, or of the kinds of writing that they evidently prefer.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

“If at first the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it.”
― Albert Einstein

“I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
― Jon Stewart

“Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.”
― Niels Bohr

“I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time.
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.”
― Woody Allen

“Stick Boy liked Match Girl,
He liked her a lot.
He liked her cute figure,
he thought she was hot.

But could a flame ever burn
for a match and a stick?
It did quite literally;
he burned up quick.”
― Tim Burton, The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy and Other Stories

“Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.”
― Groucho Marx

“A man devoid of hope and conscious of being so has ceased to belong to the future.”
― Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus and Other Essays

“The most preposterous notion that Homo sapiens has ever dreamed up is that the Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of all the Universes, wants the saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by their prayers, and becomes petulant if He does not receive this flattery. Yet this absurd fantasy, without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the expenses of the oldest, largest, and least productive industry in all history.”
― Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough for Love

“Beauty is a whore, I like money better.”
― Michael Cunningham, The Hours

“If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?”
― Jon Stewart

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”
― Steven Wright

“The bounties of space, of infinite outwardness, were three: empty heroics, low comedy, and pointless death.”
― Kurt Vonnegut, The Sirens of Titan

“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”
― Woody Allen

“Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me?”
― John Kennedy Toole, A Confederacy of Dunces

“Everything not forbidden is compulsory”
― T.H. White, The Once and Future King

“When all else fails, there's always delusion.”
― Conan O'Brien

“A man is an angel that has gone deranged.”
― Philip K. Dick

“My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored.”
― Dora J. Arod, Love quotes for the ages. And the ageless sages.