Charley Davidson Quotes

“How would you like your eggs?"

I tried. I really did. But I glanced at his crotch and it came out anyway. "Fertilized?”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“But, you're his son," I said, trying really hard to hate him. "You're the son of Satan. Literally."

"And you are the stepdaughter of Denise Davidson."

Wow. That was a bit harsh, but, "Okay, point taken.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“A sheriff arrested me. I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure my men-in-uniform fetish began that day. The sheriff was hot. And he handcuffed me. I've never been the same.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“What do you want?"

"You," he said, his voice lowering an octave. "I want you, Dutch, body and soul. I want you in my bed every night. I want you there when I wake up in the morning. I want your clothes strung across my apartment and your scent on my skin.”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“My phone pinged. It was a text from Cookie.

I'm not good at cocking guns.

Really? Did she not know me at all?

I texted her back.

You can do this. Learn the cock, Cookie.

Know the cock.

Be the cock.”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“Amber, you could never embarrass me."

"Never?" she asked.

"Never."

"One time, I yelled across the store to Mom and asked her if she wanted the regular or the super-absorbent tampons. I added that, according to the box, the super-absorbent were for those heavy days. Then I asked her to rate her heaviness on a scale of one to ten."

"Okay, you could."

"Then while we were standing in line, I asked her why she was buying three boxes of Summer's Eve in the middle of winter."

I set her at arm's length. "Wow."

"I know, right? I had no idea a person could turn so red.”
― Darynda Jones, Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet

“Hey, wait," I said, pulling back, "you are the son of Satan. Maybe we need a safe word."

His grin morphed into something wickedly charming. "Okay, how about, 'Oh, my god, it's so big.'"

Laughter burst out of me before I could stop it. Not that it wasn't. "That would be a safe phrase, but okay." I thought about it, then said, "How about 'Is that all you've got?”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“For the first time in my life, I was in a shoot-out. A real, honest-to-goodness shoot-out with a bad guy. And, apparently, we both sucked.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“A split second later, my life flashed before my eyes, and I came to one important conclusion about it.
It was fun while it lasted.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Is that what you think? That I follow you around to keep your ass out of trouble?"

"If so, you're not very good at your job."

A huge smile spread across his face. "True enough. So what's eating you? Because, sadly, it's not me.”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.
- Charley Davidson”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Have you slept yet?'
'Sure. I took a power nap on the way over.'
'Didn't you drive there?'
'Yeah. Other drviers kept waking me up. Car horns should be illegal.'
- Charley & Cookie”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“I was just passing by. Saw the commotion. Figured you were involved.”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“You still owe me a million dollars." I'd presented him with a bill for proving his innocence and getting him freed from prison. He had yet to pay. Couldn't imagine why.

"Yeah, I was hoping we could work that out."

"The interest alone is going to kill you."

"What do you charge?"

"Three hundred eighty-seven percent."

"Is that ethical?"

"It's as ethical as my dating the son of Satan.”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“I have depth. I've read Proust. No, wait, that was Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. My bad"

Charley Davidson.”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“I noticed you tore down Donovan's house."

He lifted his gaze until it locked with mine. "He's alive because he left town. His house chose to stay. It paid the price.”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“But give up my business? The same business I'd built from the ground up with my own two hands and designer Louis Vuittons? The same business for which I'd sacrificed blood, sweat, and tears? Well, maybe not sweat and tears, but there was blood. Lots of blood. Give it up? Not likely. Besides, what else would I do? I totally should've gone to Hogwarts when I had the chance.”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Where have you been?"

I stepped into my apartment and met Uncle Bob's glare with one of my own. "Out trying to pass myself off as a movie producer to get hot guys to sleep with me. Where have you been?”
― Darynda Jones, Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet

“A wicked grin crinkled one corner of his mouth as he secured another sticky note on the door before shutting it in my face.

I blinked, then read the note.

Use the key.”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“We should date."

I laughed, curled him into my arms, and kissed the soft spot underneath his earlobe. "You're going to have to go to obedience school for that to happen. You have authority issues."

"Never mind. We should have sex again and then date."

"Since you put it that way, okay.”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“I could hardly be responsible for my actions when everyone around me gave me every opportunity to sink to their low expectations.”
― Darynda Jones, Fifth Grave Past the Light

“He bombarded me with words, of all things, apparently clueless to the fact that the predawn hours rendered me incapable of coherent thought.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“I can hear other things, too. Before you came around, I had no idea a man could make a girl scream like that. Reyes seems very talented.”
― Darynda Jones, Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet

“I don’t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated. —T-SHIRT”
― Darynda Jones, Seventh Grave and No Body

“Where the hell did my bones go?" I asked. This whole upright thing had me stumped.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“That’s the thing about things. They tend to happen.”
― Darynda Jones, Second Grave on the Left

“We stood there, the three of us, our jaws firmly planted on the floor. Aunt Lil recovered first. She nudged me with her elbow and said with a cackle of delight, "I think you guys should make some more of those brownies, 'cause that boy looks hungry.”
― Darynda Jones, Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet

“I’m like crack. People don’t want to like me, but once they get a taste, they always come back for more.”
― Darynda Jones, Seventh Grave and No Body

“Did you catch the time-of-great-suffering thing?”

Her expression softened. “Can you just make sure I’m not around when it happens?”

“No can do,” I said, strolling back to my office with a negating wave of my hand. “If I have to suffer, then so does everyone else within a ten-mile radius.”

She pursed her lips. “What ever happened to taking one for the team?”

“Was never much of a team player.”

“Sacrificing yourself for the greater good?”

“Not that into human sacrifice.”

“Suffering in silence?”

I stopped and turned back to her, my eyes narrowing accusingly. “If I have to suffer, I’ll be screaming your name at the top of my lungs the whole time. You’ll be able to hear me all the way to Jersey, mark my words.”

- Charley to Cookie”
― Darynda Jones, Third Grave Dead Ahead

“Since I didn't have a candy wrapper to help me with the bad connection I was about to have, I resorted to using vocal sound effects. When Agent Carson picked up, I started my performance. "Agent... Agent Carson," I said, panting into the phone.

"Yes, Charley." She seemed unimpressed, but I wasn't about to stop now.

"I--I know who the kshshshshshsh are."

"I'm a little busy right now, Davidson. What is a Ksh, and why do I care?"

"I'm sorry. My kshshsh... is kshshsh... ing."

I repeat. What is a Ksh? And why do I care if it is ksh-ing?"

She was a tough one. I knew I should have waited and bought a Butterfinger at the Jug-N-Chug. Those wrappers crakled like Rice Krispies on a Saturday morning. "You aren't listeni--kshshsh."

"You're really bad at this."

"Bank ro-ksh-ers. I know who they kshshsh."

"Charley, if you don't cut this crap out."

I hung up and turned off my phone before she could figure out what I was trying not to tell her and call back.”
― Darynda Jones, Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet