Dick Jokes Quotes

“John, let me make one thing clear,” Jim said, cutting me off in his most stern, evangelical voice. “Every man is blessed with his gifts from the Lord. One of mine happens to be a penis large enough that, if it had a penis of its own, my penis’ penis would be larger than your penis.”.....
..."Fuck all of you,” John retorted. “You don’t even exist. We’re all just a figment of my cock’s imagination.”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“One more victim sucked in by John. You get into the room with him and you just fall into a warm pool of beer and video games and penis jokes, staring at the universe with him and saying, "Do you believe this shit?”
― David Wong, John Dies at the End

“My room is a grave yard of whisky bottles in a swamp of stale beer, cigar ashes, and dick jokes.”
― Vincent Brooks

“What is love? Love is when your heart has a raging boner.”
― Oliver Markus Malloy, Inside The Mind of an Introvert: Comics, Deep Thoughts and Quotable Quotes

“Liam drew the blade from its pearl-encrusted sheath and inspected the design. "I'll take it."
"It's almost as long as my sword." Sam said smugly.
"Seriously? Now you're comparing sword lengths." Layla grabbed Sam's arm. "You do not need a new sword-wielding best friend.”
― Sara Desai, The Dating Plan

“You know the best thing about Donkey Kong?" Sadie asked.
"That it's named for the villain? The innovative use of barrels as weapons?"
"The necktie," she said. "It's brilliant design. Without it, the question of his dick would always be hanging out there."
"Literally.”
― Gabrielle Zevin, Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow

“Men looove pussy. They can never get enough of it. If you send a guy a pussy pic, he's gonna think you're awesome. And he assumes you feel the same way if he sends you an unsolicited dick pic. He loves jerking off while looking at pussy, and in his mind he's certain that you must love dick
pics as much as he loves pussy pics. It is such a given to him, it never even occurred to him that it might not be true.

If you have a dog, you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes a dog brings you his favorite toy in the whole world. And he puts it in your lap. Not because he wants you to throw it. This is not for him. This is for you. He wants you to have it.

When you look at his toy, all you see is a dirty old sock, covered in crusty dried dog spit. But that's not what he sees. To him that sock is the most awesome thing in the whole world. And he is putting The Most Awesome Thing In The Whole World in your lap. Then he sits down in front of you and stares into your eyes as if to say: "This is my gift to you. May it give you the same endless hours of joy and happiness that it has given me."

And that's exactly what men think when they send you a dick pic.”
― Oliver Markus Malloy, Why Creeps Don't Know They're Creeps - What Game of Thrones can teach us about relationships and Hollywood scandals

“Invite him to poetry club," Doff said with a smirk. "See if he asks you to take a look at his Emily Dickinson."
Beatrice snorted. "How long did it take you to think that up?"
"Most of lunch, and the rest of G block," Doff said, shrugging modestly. "I started with 'read his Charles Dickens,' but Charles Dickens is a novelist."
"What about his Philip K. Dick?"
"Who's that?" asked Doff.
"He wrote the book that got turned into Blade Runner.”
― Jennifer Weiner, That Summer

“I was in dicksand. I was dicknotized.”
― Tinx, The Shift