Funny But Sad Quotes

“When they were introduced, he made a witticism, hoping to be liked. She laughed extremely hard, hoping to be liked. Then each drove home alone, staring straight ahead, with the very same twist to their faces.

The man who'd introduced them didn't much like either of them, though he acted as if he did, anxious as he was to preserve good relations at all times. One never knew, after all, now did one now did one now did one.”
― David Foster Wallace, Brief Interviews with Hideous Men

“The secret is,” I say, whispering right into his ear, “that yours was the best kiss I’ve ever had in my life.”
“But I’ve never kissed you,” he whispers back. Around us the rain sounds like falling glass. “Not since third grade, anyway.”
I smile, but I’m not sure if he can see it.
“Better get started, then,” I say, “because I don’t have much time.”
― Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall

“I'll have that someday, thought Peter. Someone who'll kiss me good-bye at the door. Or maybe just someone to put a blindfold over my head before they shoot me. Depending on how things turn out.”
― Orson Scott Card, Shadow of the Hegemon

“The ringtone was a dead giveaway, emphasis on dead . . . creepy organ music. She didn’t even have to glance at the image of fanged
bunny slippers on the screen to know who was calling. She just sighed, thumbed it on, and held it to her ear.
“Claire! I need you here immediately. Something’s wrong with Bob.” Myrnin, her mad-scientist, blood-addicted boss, sounded actually shaken. “I
can’t get him to eat his insects, and I used his favorites. He just sits there.”
“Bob,” she repeated, looking at Shane in wide-eyed disbelief. “Bob the spider.”
“Just because he’s a spider doesn’t mean he deserves any less concern! Claire, you have a way with him. He likes you.”
Just what she needed. Bob the spider liked her. “You do realize that he’s a year old, at least. And spiders don’t live that long.”
“You think he’s dead?” Myrnin sounded horrified. So wrong.
“Is he curled up?”
“No. He’s just quiet.”
“Well, maybe he’s not hungry.”
“Will you come?” Myrnin asked. He sounded calmer now, but also oddly needy. “It’s been very lonely here these past few days. I’d like your
company, at least for a little while.” When she hesitated, he used the pity card. “Please, Claire.”
“Fine,” she sighed. “I’m bringing Shane.”
After a second of silence, he said, flatly, “Goody,” and hung up.”
― Rachel Caine-Last Breath

“i gotta stop saying "how stupid could you be?" I'm beginning to feel like people are taking as a challenge”
― Kevin Hart

“I'm falling into disrepair”
― Anne Tyler, Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant

“I saw my ex-husband in the street. I was sitting on the steps of the new library.
Hello, my life, I said. We had once been married for twenty-seven years, so I felt justified.
He said, What? What life? No life of mine.”
― Grace Paley, Enormous Changes at the Last Minute: Stories

“Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm”
― David Cross, I Drink for a Reason

“Lipstick?" He arched a brow.
"I'm on the hunt for my perfect shade," I respond, deadpan.
"Ditch the magenta. Your olive skin screams for rose." His deadpan is better than mine.”
― Gena Showalter, A Mad Zombie Party

“America is still AmeriKKKa. rather we like it or not”
― Fee Scott

“There’s pretty much no way for me to answer that without sounding like an asshole, so maybe you could do me a solid and not make me.”
― Alex Potvin, Half-Pipe to Hell

“In other news, Aang dominates on “Are You Smarter Than the Fire Nation”. Bella Swan becomes engaged to her boyfriend of one year, Edward Cullen, and unceremoniously sends Jacob Black to the “friend zone”. Pop star Candy Cane trades her controversial career for being a housewife (which was a move that is very unpopular with many of her young fans), and Jacquel Rassenworth is still the Internet’s biggest fame-nut (cue APPLAUSE).”
― Jacquel Chrissy May, The Summer of Our Discontent

“Sometimes I hate the girl I was back then. It's like how, when you see a horror movie, you can't help but feel contempt for the virgin who goes for a walk in the woods after midnight. How can she be so stupid? Doesn't she know she's about to get gruesomely hacked to death?

She should know. That's why it's so hard to watch. Because you want her to know. You want her to defend herself, and you look down on her for not knowing, even though obviously it's the guy who hacks her up who's at fault.”
― Robin York, Deeper

“So, my sweet, did it put the fun into funeral?”
― Johnny Rich, The Human Script

“It's not just love, or desire, but something profoundly less complex, as unadorned and simple as the vehicle code. Officer laughs, cries. Tearful and giddy, she whales on her demonstrator with what she realizes is joy in her heart.”
― Daniel Orozco, Orientation and Other Stories

“She’s got this dreamy look going—her everything’s-right-with-the-world-why-isn’t-it-right-with-you-Tally? face. It’s such a carryover from high school that I almost laugh.”
― Katherine Owen, This Much is True

“Wisdom of the Ages: "The Pope and Congress" It looks as if confidence in the American voter to exorcise the demons in the Capitol has completely fallen through.”
― Matthew D. Heines

“I surround myself with all eight throw pillows while hugging two. “What is so bad and uninteresting about me, Alex? Peter was the fifth break up–
“–Sixth–”
“–Sixth break up in the last two years. And I’m always the dumpee. Are my conversations that boring that no man wants to stay?”
“Sandra, with this topic, yes. But usually, no.”
― Rose Brown, Will: Marry a Liar

“68. Until 1974, it was actually illegal to appear in public in Chicago if you were ugly.”
― Scott Matthews, Interesting, Fun and Crazy Facts of America - The Knowledge Encyclopedia To Win Trivia

“A lányok angyalok. Ideig-óráig. A lányok gonosz kis koboldok, hegyes fülű kegyetlen tündérek, ide-oda repkedő féltékeny giling-galangok. Bort isznak.”
― Eszter Kovács

“You can tell when I'm going through something emotionally taxing because I will act very natural and unaffected.”
― Chelsea Martin, Mickey

“30. Killing season as it's known in the UK or the July effect as it's known in the U.S. is used to describe the time around July and August when newly qualified doctors first begin their residencies.”
― Scott Matthews, Interesting, Fun and Crazy Facts of America - The Knowledge Encyclopedia To Win Trivia

“Make yourself into a battery to store some of this feeling; it is the currency of your life... There will be many months and some years where you will receive no payments at all... while your friends buy dogs and houses.”
― Dessa, Tits on the Moon