Funny Humor Quotes

“When he woke, daylight was coming through the glass floor, and a boy's voice said, "Oh...You are in so much trouble.”
― Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena

“Marry me. Nay, marriage will cost us precious moments together. Let us make sweet, passionate love right here. Let me bear your children.”
A primal growl signaled Miss Lynn getting over her shock at being thus addressed. She lunged forward; Jack deftly rolled off the bench, jumping up out of her reach.
“Goodness, I didn’t expect you to be quite this enthusiastic about my advances. If I don’t play hard to get, how will I ever know whether or not you respect me?”
― Kiersten White, Supernaturally

“Ooh, big day in town for our park warden,” I said. “They’re even making you wear the uniform.
Hayley’s mom will be happy. She thinks you look hot in it.”
Dad turned as red as his hair.
Mom’s laugh floated out from her studio. “Maya Delaney. Leave your father alone.”
― Kelley Armstrong, The Gathering

“YOU. GOT. FOOD. IN. MY. HAIR.”
― Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Dawn

“Look," I whisper to Cat, "Shooting star! That's good luck."
She rolls her eyes. "It's a plane, you idiot," she says, and when I look again I can see that she's right. Typical.”
― Cathy Cassidy, Lucky Star

“Jules stood up and stretched gracelessly. “Let’s hurry up and pay before she”-she indicated Claire with a flick of her thumb-“sees something shiny and we lose her again.”
― Kimberly Derting, The Body Finder

“Well, good news, " Blitzen said. "I found the bag. Bad news...I found the bag.”
― Rick Riordan, The Hammer of Thor

“The crowd quieted as a whole, but more than one creature cursed under his breath, "Not Regin."
A drunk hunched over the bar muttered, "That glowing one made me eat a transistor radio once.”
― Kresley Cole, Dark Needs at Night's Edge

“Seth rolled his eyes. “Because you’re such a ladies man.”
“I can be. I just have standards, is all. I’m very selective about who I choose to spend time with, whereas you’ll fuck anything that moves. And several things that don’t.”
― Elle Parker, Like Coffee and Doughnuts

“Oh baby", Madoc groaned to the girl next to him. "Snickers ain't the only thing king sized.”
― Penelope Douglas, Until You

“Elle hugged Amo’s side, then she leaned up as high as she could and kissed him on the cheek, barely making it. “Thanks.”
　　Elle ran off into the classroom to go be with her best friend. She couldn’t be happier
　　Nero couldn’t be more pissed. He didn’t understand how Amo could get a fucking thank you without asking. How he could get a kiss without asking. How come she never throws herself at me for a hug? I want a fucking hug.”
― Sarah Brianne, Nero

“I imbue this place with my essence, every stone and every drop. My visit will do wonders for the flowers."

Aly propped her chin on her hand. "So does manure," she observed.”
― Tamora Pierce, Trickster's Queen

“It seems to me that a man who can think straight along for forty-seven years without changing a single idea ought to be kept in a cabinet as a curiosity.”
― Jean Webster, Daddy-Long-Legs

“Wait!" Conrad said. "Did someone... one of my enemies set this fire?"
Nix turned back with a grin. "Unless you'd pissed off some wirring-hungry nutrias, then I'm going with no.”
― Kresley Cole, Dark Needs at Night's Edge

“Rough Night, Kitten?”
― Cherise Sinclair, Club Shadowlands

“You are unnerving the hell out of me, Valkyrie."
"oh" she frowned, petting her bat fitfully " I must have misread the future for the past." she shrugged. "It happens.”
― Kresley Cole, MacRieve

“The look in his eyes turned a little wild. "That's the only reason I'm letting you go. If I had any choice--"
"You do," she said "Wed can all sit here and let him die. Or you can let Eve go on her wild-ass rescue mission and get herself killed. Or you can let sweet, calm, reasonable Claire go do some talking."
He shook his head. His long, elegant hands, which looked so at home wrapped around a guitar, closed into fists. "Guess that means there's no choice."
"Not really," Claire agreed. "I was kind of lying about that choice thing.”
― Rachel Caine, The Dead Girls' Dance

“I'm half italian"
"Which half" asked Tessa
"From the waist down”
― Pamela Clare, Hard Evidence

“Once I faced a female with diamond skin," Nix said breathlessly. "I was transfixed - even as she was choking the life out of me."
"Really?"
" No, I saw that character on X men. I just wanted to commiserate. Alas, I have no weaknesses."
"Except your insanity," Lucia pointed out.
sigh. "Well played, Archer. then carry on...”
― Kresley Cole, Pleasure of a Dark Prince

“I'm not crazy, but I suspect the voices in my head are. ~Chrissy”
― Kelli Sullivan, Ice in My Veins

“I swam through the thick, smelly, greyish ocean of pressure toward nowhere.”
― Darin C. Brown, The Taste of Despair

“Congratulations, Huntress. You're officially a murderer. Welcome to the club.”
― Hafsah Faizal, We Hunt the Flame

“It was quite wrong of me Had I heard what I thought I’d heard or were my ears playing hob with me It was more likely that the sun and the moon should suddenly dance a jolly jig in the heavens than that one of my sisters should apologize. It was simply unheard of.”
― Alan Bradley, A Red Herring Without Mustard

“We were both chilled from the rain and as hungry as wolves. Over a fine meal of oysters, cappeletti alla cortigiana and orecchiette with tomatoes, anchovies and eggplant served with a crisp dry chablis, we discussed our plans, if not for immortality, at least for defying the eroding qualities of time.”
― Harry F. MacDonald, Casanova and the Devil's Doorbell

“Now all I have to worry about is what might crawl out of the darkness to get me in the night.”
“Yeah, well, I think there’s a box of doughnuts under the chair. You can toss those to distract it.”
― Elle Parker, Like Coffee and Doughnuts

“I have not had so good of a week. Well, monday was a pretty good day, if you don't count Hamburger Surprise at lunch and Margaret's mother coming to get her. Or the stuff that happened in the principal's office when I got sent there to explain that Margaret's hair was not my fault and besides she looks okay without it, but I couldn't because Principal Rice was gone, trying to calm down Margaret's mother. Someone should tell you not to answer the phone in the principal's office, if that's a rule. Okay, fine, Monday was not so good of a day.”
― Sara Pennypacker, Clementine

“I had met Salvador Domingo Felipe Jacinto Dalí i Domènech, Marquis of Dalí de Púbol, previously in Spain in the company of his pet anteater and a glamorous model called Mercedes Benz.”
― Harry F. MacDonald, Magic Alex and the Secret History of Rock and Roll

“I just know there's an albino living in the colored quarters. I can feel it in my bones.”
― Fannie Flagg, Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man

“I don't believe in magic.”
― J.K. Rowling

“New York City is legendary for sleeping around. There's hot tail everywhere and it's such a big city that two-timing and even three-timing is very doable, if you plan it right."


From "My Worst Valentine's Day.Ever. (a Short Story)”
― Zack Love, Stories and Scripts: an Anthology