First Page of Your Book. discussion

Hi there!

I'm so happy to see you all here! Thank you for contributing your first page. I was thinking that if some of us are inspired to do some rewriting on our first pages that we could post our original and then our rewritten first page here.

What do you think?

Let me know and also let me know if you have any other suggestions for this group.

Thanks!
Diane

I like the idea. Rewrites would get lost in the other thread.

Thanks Carol! That's what I thought, they would be lost.

Here is my original and my rewrite of the first page of Mind Over Matter

I remember being four years old and watching Nana sit in her favorite rocking chair. She would stare aimlessly out the window, seeing nothing as her body rocked back and forth in its rhythmic motion. Nana never paid much attention to me when she was like this. I watched anxiously as I felt her sadness like a dagger in my heart. I was too young to understand the pain she was in after Grandpa died. All I knew was Nana was sad and I could feel her pain. I slowly got up from the plush blue carpet and went over to my Nana. I pulled on her long green skirt and waited patiently for her to see me. An interminable amount of time passed when finally Nana looked down at me. The pain I felt mirrored in her eyes. It made me scared that Nana hurt so much.
“What is it Carly?” She asked me.
“Why are you sad Nana?” I asked. Again, I felt the pain from her and I wanted desperately to make it stop. I raised my arms to her so she would pick me up.
“I’m not sad Carly." Nana lied. I knew she lied because I could feel her pain like a knife in my heart. Nana hugged me tight to her chest.
“Yes you are Nana,” I told her. I touched her face with my little hands and felt the emotion stronger than before.
“Why do you say that?” Nana asked.
“I can feel it Nana,” I told her. “It makes me hurt in here” I pointed at my chest so she would understand what I was telling her. My heart beat quickly waiting for her to understand.

Rewrite:

I remember being four years old, watching Nana sit in her favorite wooden rocking chair. She would stare aimlessly out the window, seeing nothing as her body rocked back and forth in its rhythmic motion. Nana never paid much attention to me when she was like this. I watched anxiously as her sadness transferred to me like a dagger in my heart. I was too young to understand the pain she had undergone after Grandpa died. All I knew was Nana was sad and when people were sad it made me hurt. I slowly got up from the plush blue carpet and went over to my Nana. I pulled on her long green skirt and waited patiently for her to see me. An interminable amount of time passed when finally Nana looked down at me. The pain I experienced mirrored in her eyes. It made me scared that Nana hurt so much.
“What is it Carly?” She asked me.
“Why are you sad Nana?” I asked. Again, I experienced a sharp pain that emanated from her to me and I wanted desperately to make it stop. I raised my arms to her so she would pick me up.
“I’m not sad Carly." Nana lied as she lifted me and placed me on her knee. I knew she lied because the pain in my chest was coming from her. Nana hugged me tight to her chest.
“Yes you are Nana,” I told her. I touched her face with my little hands and the emotional output became stronger than before.
“Why do you say that?” Nana asked.
“I can feel it Nana,” I told her. “It makes me hurt-- in here,” I pointed at my chest so she would understand what I was telling her. My heart beat quickly as I waited.
Nana looked at me for a long moment and I could sense her understanding at last. She was surprised at first but then she seemed to know what I meant. “Don’t fret little one” Nana hugged me tightly. “Your Nana will be fine. I was just missing your Grandpa.”
The pain inside me dissipated then distracting me.

Hi there Cynthia,

Thanks for sharing your rewrite. I think it is better in some ways. I think when you have the little girl point to her chest and say "It makes me hurt - in here." that helps the reader understand what you are trying to get across. I'm still not quite sure I know, but that's okay too, because if you spoon feed a reader all the facts up front there's no room for suspense or anticipation or the wondering that leads a reader to turn the page to see what is going to happen...but it's a fine line too and too little information can leave readers feeling lost.

I'm not entirely sure what is going on here. Are you intimating that the girl is psychic or empathic or just sensitive to her Grandmother's pain?

I feel that ''dagger in my heart' is too cliche to use. Finally, the last sentence doesn't make sense. Ah, I see it now, there should be a comma after 'then'. Okay, now it makes sense:).

I think it could be an intriguing story if you're intimating the beginnings of 'second sight' in the little girl.

I think it needs some specifics. "Generalities", film director Eisenstein said, "are the enemies of art." I don't feel we know enough about Nana here. It doesn't take a lot of wordage to do that either, little details, maybe she's wearing a bracelet Grandpa gave her, she's wearing a favorite blouse he bought her, maybe Carly feels the callouses on Grandma's hands, callouses born of decades of hard physical labour on a farm or maybe she has soft hands and is a cerebral person who made her living with her mind...we just don't know.

We need to know more about her loss too (I know, it's a first page:)).

Maybe when Nana picks her up Carly has a vision of a strong memory of Grandpa laughing over a weekly card game or Scrabble game, a memory transferred to her from her Nana.

Specifics in details are what bring characters alive and what makes us as readers connect with characters, and empathize with them. I don't feel I know these people (I know it's only one page but it's possible to know a character in a short paragraph).

Hope that's been helpful. I think it's a good beginning and a sweet moment between Grandmother and Granddaughter.

Diane

Thanks very much for the comments Diane. I have been doing a lot of soul searching with this one. Carly is empathic and can sense other people's emotions. The first chapter jumps to when she is 16 and her grandmother has passed leaving her without anyone to help her with her gift. The connection between them is important to the story line so I will definitely look at changing things. I may drop the prologue all together and maybe do this as a memory for Carly so the reader understands the relationship between them. I think I tried too hard to 'tell' rather than 'show' here. I will work on it. Thanks again for the advice.

Cynthia wrote: "Thanks very much for the comments Diane. I have been doing a lot of soul searching with this one. Carly is empathic and can sense other people's emotions. The first chapter jumps to when she is ..."

You're welcome. The 'show' rather than 'tell' is always something uppermost in my mind as well. Good luck with it!

Ok so here goes. I dropped the prologue and this is now my first page. Let me know if anyone thinks it is an improvment.

I rested my aching head against the big oak tree in the school courtyard. It was close to the end of the school year and the weather was warm and sunny. Most of the students were milling around the courtyard. I longed for summer. School was always difficult for me as I tried to block out the students emotions day in and day out. The noise and confusion of the emotions of the students that passed around me were starting to take their toll on me. I watched as Jeremy and Chance, both jocks argued over some cheerleader. You would think it was the end of the world, their anger, a physical dagger in my head. I wanted to scream at them to knock it off, she was just a chick and probably not into either one of you. On the far side of the courtyard, Serena strolled along the grass, stressed over the math exam that she just finished. Seriously, the girl was a straight A student and she most likely got at least ninety percent in the test. The emotional output that she was emitting involuntarily however was a physical pain in my head. There were way too many kids sending out way to many waves of emotions that I couldn't suppress. I couldn’t concentrate, I was barely holding onto my sanity. Why isn’t anybody happy in this school I thought? God I miss Nana. She always knew how to help me when things got rough. I tried pressing the heels of my palms against my eyes to block the pain. It wasn’t helping. I tried to remember the meditation exercises Nana taught me when I was young, but the pain was overwhelming.
It was days like today that I really hated being me. Nana tried to get me to embrace my differences. I just wanted to be normal. I remember being four years old, when my Nana told me about my 'gift'. She explained to me that I was empathic and that I could sense the emotions of everyone around me. I wasn’t sure at the time what that meant. All I knew was that when people were angry or sad, it made me physically hurt. Touching them made the pain stronger so I avoided that unless the emotion was positive. Positive emotions of joy and happiness made me feel good inside, euphoric was the word Nana used. I had no control over it at the time but she said she could teach me how to block out some of it so it didn't affect me as much.
Nana also told me that she was empathic; it was a genetic thing that had skipped over my mother. Thinking back now I realize Nana must have had some other ability to deflect some of the emotional output. As long as she was in close proximity to me, I didn't receive all of the intensity. As I got older, she taught me how to suppress some of the impact on my own so I could function normally. I could have friends and not lose my mind. I could be a normal kid. As normal, as I could be I guess--considering.

Hi Cynthia

I see you've done a lot of work here. I like that she's in the schoolyard and that you've told us who some of the kids are and what they're experiencing.

I think the first paragraph needs to be broken up, perhaps when she starts talking about the kids, like the jocks arguing over the cheerleader.

Of course, all of this is just my personal opinion you understand! I sometimes feel reluctant to critique other writers because I don't want to sway somebody off a track they may be on.

I still think you are 'telling' the story and not 'showing' it so much.

For example...the 'all I knew was that when people were angry or sad it made me physically hurt.'

Actually you've shown that above - and I think breaking that first paragraph into smaller paragraphs - where one paragraph is the jocks arguing over the cheerleader and you detail her physical reaction - the next paragraph could be the math student stressing, and you detail that, perhaps a slightly different physical reaction.

Now, one thing you haven't detailed is the good feelings Carly gets when someone is joyous. what about a couple in love? What if she deliberately looks away from, or stops focusing on, people stressing and actually USES the emotions from somebody happy to ease her pain?

I don't know if anything I've said is helpful or even right.

Please don't let critiques become confusing or cause you to derail or become hesitant in your writing.

I would just say that as much as possible, have your story told through the actions of the characters and not by 'telling' the reader.

Thanks for sharing! It looks like an interesting story.

Thanks Diane. I value all comments. I'm at the editing stage which as you know is very crazy and time consuming but still rewarding. I will make sure to check that I am showing not telling. Thanks again.

You're welcome - best of luck!