Vampire Books Fans, Fangs and Writers discussion

i am writing a vampire story and was wanting an option on the prologue. does it hold your mind long enough to read the rest of the book.

The vampire mistress, rears her head back and smells the air. "I smell bloodin the air, and it smells as sweet as the sweetest rose in the garden. I must find where this is coming from." she says. With that she ran as fast as she could, follwing the scent, till she came across a young woman crying in the park, alone, covered in blood. "Why do you weep so?" she asked? "My boyfriend was just killed today, and i am now alone. No one will help me. I have been hiding here, cryingall day." the woman says. The vampiress, staring at her with a long, empty look, leaned down and whispered in her ear. "I will help you, and at the same timeyou will help me by being my eternal companion." she says. She looks the girl in the eyes, smiled and then leaned in and bit her. Giving her, her eternal kiss of immortality.

You're mixing past & present tenses, and missing some spaces, and you have commas in strange places.

The vampire sniffed the air, and smiled. "As sweet as the sweetest rose in the garden," she murmured, and turned to follow the scent.

thanks. do you think that it is good so far thou?

I find it a bit puzzling. A lesbian vampire discovers a sweet-smelling human girl who is heart-broken, lonely and probably straight, and decides that they will be perfect together forever?

Heather wrote: "thanks. do you think that it is good so far thou?"

Francis wrote: "I find it a bit puzzling. A lesbian vampire discovers a sweet-smelling human girl who is heart-broken, lonely and probably straight, and decides that they will be perfect together forever?"

Just exactly like it always happens in real life. Said no one, ever.

IMHO Heather, this needs a lot of work.

Francis wrote: "I find it a bit puzzling. A lesbian vampire discovers a sweet-smelling human girl who is heart-broken, lonely and probably straight, and decides that they will be perfect together forever?"

lol i thought the same thing; unless u mean that the girl will be, like...a servant in a way- to keep her company through out their eternal lives?

Hmm... could make for an interesting story... to live forever in service of a woman who uses you as she will, and who will kill any man you dare to love... not that your lovers live for very long. Mortals are so fragile.

Francis wrote: "Hmm... could make for an interesting story... to live forever in service of a woman who uses you as she will, and who will kill any man you dare to love... not that your lovers live for very long. ..."

yeah..that would make a sick plot lol... now it has me thinking hmmm *thinking face*

Francis wrote: "You're mixing past & present tenses, and missing some spaces, and you have commas in strange places.

The vampire sniffed the air, and smiled. "As sweet as the sweetest rose in the garden," she mur..."

Commas in strange places.....hmmm....why does that seem so familiar to me? Must be that dream I had, about being buried in commas; they were everywhere, hundreds, of, them, for no, rhyme or reason they, just, were.

Ahh!!!
*runs*

LOL!!!!

my vampire is searching for the vampire who turned her and is going to use the girl as a friend. when she finds the vampire that changed her they, along with a few other of her servants, are going to kill him for killing her mother and father and for making her into a vampire. she gets to stay a vampire after she kills him.