Inner Workings discussion
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Things I Remember
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Funny and brillant...you ought to work for a newspaper as a columnist.
I swallowed a penny when I was a kid and my parents called the doctor. The doctor just said it would pass. I'm not sure why they called the doctor because I've swallowed a lot worse and I'm still alright.
Once while walking with my aunt around the hospital I saw a windsock blowing on the roof and it scared me. I don't know if it was an omen. Nobody died.
At about 4 or 5 years old I thought our neighbor’s daughter had her ‘wee wee’ removed and it scared me. She showed me where it used to be and I just saw a crack. I didn’t have sisters. I grew up a Baptist. Some things should be forgiven.
I went to the beach. It was some kind of church outing. I overheard one of the chaperones tell his wife while pointing at me “we never had that ring of fat around our stomachs when we were young”. I looked down at myself. Yeah… I had a spare tire. Later his wife left him for a banker. I called that retribution.
I remember peeing in the kitchen garbage can one night. My parents asked me just what I thought I was doing. Looking at the garbage can I just said “oh” and went to the bathroom.
Nightmares were common. My nightmares made no sense. Sometimes I walked in my sleep. I’d go to my parent’s room, wake them up and ask things like, “hey, that cheese in the icebox, how does it work?” or “have any of you seen a screwdriver?”. My mom would just tell me to go to the bathroom. It became a ritual to lower the toilet lid and sit on it until I woke up. Then I’d go back to sleep. Once they caught me walking out the door and asked where I was going. “I don’t know”... to the bathroom I went.
I had a Chihuahua once. It was supposedly born on the same day as me. Her name was Teeny Weeny. She had a brother named Tippy Wippy. Tippy lived in our house too. She belonged to my grandmamma. Teeny lived about 10 years. She ended up with asthma and arthritis. Her last two weeks were spent in the bathroom in her box. One night as we were sitting around the table she wobbled into the kitchen, looked at us, then went back to the bathroom and died. She knew. She was just saying goodbye.
When I was impressionable I caught one of the neighborhood teenagers butt riding another neighbor boy. He told me if I ever told anyone he’d kill me. I told everybody. I’m still alive. He’s gay.
The first album I ever bought was Jefferson Airplane’s Bark. I bought it at a drug store. It was defective and they didn’t have any other copies. My brother told me that one of his English teachers said that Carol King’s Tapestry was really good so I switched it for that one. I got screwed.
I had a friend. We grew up together. One summer during high school break I didn’t see him. His senior year he came back as a closet transvestite and did a lot of Amyl nitrate. He once traded me Joe Walsh’s The Smoker You Drink, The Player You Get for my Queen’s Queen II album. I remember I could never figure out why anyone would trade a Queen for a Joe Walsh. Today he’s a hairdresser and wears pumps.
In the 4th grade I had a teacher pull out one of her sagging breasts from her blouse and showed everybody where babies ate. Soon after one of my mere mere's old friends pulled out her breast and squeezed her nipples to show me and my cousin some black stuff that came out. I don't know why she did that. My cousin and me laughed. Old people are funny. Then I had an art teacher that used to undo her buttons and lean over me so that I could see her breasts. She wanted to take me home. I think today that's considered illegal. Back then I didn't know it was illegal. I didn't go home with her and I wasn't insulted by her little show and tells. Today I guess I'm a breast man. It was fated. I'm not fond of black stuff. I like legs too.
I once met a girl in Arkansas. We sat on a porch in the middle of the country and talked until sunrise. I think that's considered love. Later she mailed me my graduation ring back without a note. I think that's considered falling out of love.
I had a really fat friend that had to be helped off of the couch. He was too big to start any forward motion on his own. One night when he was sucking some meat out of a crab claw he choked. My friends and I just stood around and watched him. He was too big for any un-choking maneuvers. He eventually coughed it out. Then he laughed and we drank more beer and finished the crabs. Later we pulled him off the couch.
I can never remember the difference between ‘objective’ and ‘subjective’ and frankly I don’t really give a shit.