So You Want To Be A Thriller Writer, A Discussion Group discussion

How many of you thriller writers have been told by your editors, "show, don't tell?" Assuming you've figured out just what that means, do you agree that their comments were justified, especially considering we're writing in the Thriller genre? Here's where I'm coming from...
One teacher of writing, James Hynes, says that when he tells a student, "show, don't tell," he means that the narrative hasn't been sufficiently dramatized. He quotes Checkhov: "Don't tell me the moon is shining, show me the moonlight reflecting off broken glass." I posted this excerpt from my latest project, "Shredded," in a discussion forum:

Grace stood at a corner, on a stained and fractured concrete sidewalk, by a narrow, one-way street, dotted with repairs, cracks and holes filled with asphalt, patches on top of patches. Tall buildings formed embankments on either side, residences for the most part, ancient tenements that were old when the twenty-first century was new. They limited the view of the sky to narrow strips, through which the fading twilight filtered to ground level. It was peak shipping time, when people ended their days, finished their evening meals, and opened retail portals on their screens, their purchases delivered in minutes by commercial drones over Grace’s head, high enough that their buzzing softened, blending into an ever-present hum. The police drones were less numerous but closer to the ground, where their high def cameras could conduct surveillance more effectively, passing at regular intervals, announcing their approach with a sharper sound, dropping in pitch as they passed. The only ground-based vehicles were the occasional private cars, greatly outnumbered by the community transit buses, themselves numbering few, moving slowly forward, waiting for pedestrians to pass.

Boy, I got some unfavorable comments. But one of them was that I was falling into the "show, don't tell trap," the point being that genre fiction was not literary fiction (no argument there) but that literary content was out of place in a genre piece, and readers wouldn't go for it.
What do you think?

I prefer lean writing, so that skews my opinion somewhat. I don't believe an author has to tell me everything about a location, just enough to let me picture it in my mind.

So, for me, this is too much description.

Some examples:
1/ If you tell me the concrete is fractured, I'll assume it's also stained.

2/ Calling it a one-way street implies that it's narrow.

3/ ...by a narrow, one-way street, dotted with repairs, cracks and holes filled with asphalt, patches on top of patches. could be condensed into ...narrow one-way street of cracked and patched asphalt.

Quillracer wrote: "I prefer lean writing, so that skews my opinion somewhat. I don't believe an author has to tell me everything about a location, just enough to let me picture it in my mind.

So, for me, this is too..."

Thanks for the comments! I really appreciate it. Just for clarification, would you have different notes for different genres, specifically, for literary vs. thriller fiction?

Charles O'Donnell

Charles wrote: Thanks for the comments! I really appreciate it. Just for clarification, would you have different notes for different genres, specifically, for literary vs. thriller fiction?

No, not really. I like lean, taut writing no matter what the genre. Don't overwhelm me with details, just (as I said) give me enough to form my own picture.

Regarding Checkhov's comment: The only time I'm interested in moonlight reflecting off broken glass is if it has a direct bearing on the plot or character. That the moon is shining is all I need to know; I can fill in the rest myself.

Quillracer wrote: "Charles wrote: Thanks for the comments! I really appreciate it. Just for clarification, would you have different notes for different genres, specifically, for literary vs. thriller fiction?

No, no..."

Thanks!

Good points, Gail.

Gail wrote: "Quillracer wrote: "Charles wrote: Thanks for the comments! I really appreciate it. Just for clarification, would you have different notes for different genres, specifically, for literary vs. thrill..."

Thanks, Gail!

Charles O'Donnell

Gail wrote: "Charles wrote: "Gail wrote: "Quillracer wrote: "Charles wrote: Thanks for the comments! I really appreciate it. Just for clarification, would you have different notes for different genres, specific..."

Thanks again! By the way, I'm looking for alpha readers for my latest project, the one from which this excerpt was taken. You can find it at

https://writeon.amazon.com/read/story...

Charles O'Donnell

I'm new to this thread, so Hello, y'all! When I am a reader, I recognize too much "tell" right away. My attention drifts and the narrative becomes so much yadda-yadda-yadda! It feels annoying. I wonder why the writer is telling me all this. I don't feel like this info will ultimately matter. Yunno, if it's so important as a writer you have to make it important by putting the reader in there. That's showing.

But then showing is not dwelling on the ephemeral either. Sometimes the light reflecting off piles of garbage is a really big deal Most of the time it isn't. As stated before lean is good and often a little bit of info to plant a seed in the reader's head is enough. Readers will paint in all sorts of stuff when they are engaged in the moment. So how much show or tell really depends upon that moment. Enough is enough and too much breaks the spell. Knowing just how much to throw in or withold is the writer's challenge. Reading your stuff aloud often give you some sense of it.

Like I know what I'm talking about eh? Well, I try and I edit and rewrite until I feel like I'm going blind. However my takeaway is that the result is about affecting reader's emotional state. Setting the hook and reeling them into your made up world.

Jim, you make sense to me.

Now all I have to do is make sense to myself, get butt in chair and start editing!

I am reading a book right now that is wonderful in the arena of 'showing.' It's remarkable, Jim, that I am placed right there.

Thanks again for all your helpful comments! My first draft is done, I'm in the middle of first revisions, and I'm in the process of hiring an editor.
I did done down the narrative from the original post a little, but I still like the dramatic prose to evoke the setting. That's the real purpose of "show, don't tell" in my book, to evoke the setting. And, if I'm successful, I'm hoping that my reader won't find it superfluous, but instead will find the reading experience enjoyable.

"Grace stood at a corner, on a stained and fractured concrete sidewalk, by a narrow, one-way street, dotted with repairs. Tall buildings formed embankments on either side, residences for the most part, tenements that were old when the twenty-first century was new. They limited the view of the sky to narrow strips, through which the fading twilight filtered to ground level. It was peak shipping time, when people had ended their days, finished their evening meals, and opened retail portals on their screens, their purchases delivered in minutes by commercial drones overhead, high enough that their buzzing softened, blending into an ever-present hum. The police drones were less numerous but closer to the ground, where their high def cameras could conduct surveillance more effectively. Their formations passed at regular intervals, announcing their approach with a sharper sound, dropping in pitch as they passed. The only ground-based vehicles were the occasional private transports, greatly outnumbered by the community transit auto-buses, themselves numbering few, moving slowly forward, stopping when encountering the occasional pedestrian."