Simple Writes discussion

[STAR-BOUND]

[ background ]
star-bound was created around the same time as my group space, and is set in the same world. it was actually conceived based on some of my characters from that group (although they're nothing like their story counterparts) and the original copy is approximately 900 words. having read back over the original, i've decided that it's awful and needs to be re-written, and so as i post each section of it i will include the original version in a spoiler at the top of the post.

[ table of contents ]

▽ act ONE

part one ◂
part two ◂
part three ◂

[ ACT ONE ; part one ]
original
(view spoiler)[
Daniel Kent cursed as an asteroid hurtled towards him, yanking his fragile training craft out of the rock’s path. Focus, you moron, he thought, just as one of the other students said exactly that. You almost hit me! That was Ned — always complaining, even though he was the worst flier out of all of them.
    Well, usually. Either Daniel was having a bad day, or the accident had messed up his hand-eye coordination more than the doctors had said. He hoped it was the former — if Ned beat him in the next test, he’d be out of INSA forever.
    The accident. He had tried so many times to forget that, the violent pain and twisted wrist, hand barely attached to him. And yet every time he flew, he was reminded by the ache in his left hand, the slight delay between his thoughts and his hand’s movement where there used to be seamless interaction.
    One mistake had cost him his second-place ranking, months spent in the hospital as they struggled to repair the broken nerve pathways between his hand and arm. Even now his ring finger didn’t move, hanging limply beside the other digits.
    And one mistake could cost him his place at INSA. He ducked around another asteroid and sped through the rapidly-closing gap between two more, only just making it. Four-fifths of an astronomical unit later, he blasted out of the Belt into open space, no longer in danger. Speeding up to just over ten astronomical units an hour he leaned back and breathed out. He’d done pretty well, only taking around six hours to finish the run, all the way to the Cloud and back. Most of them had done it in four, but Daniel had been taking it slowly this time round, familiarising himself with the route. Ryan, on the other hand, had done it in twelve minutes a couple of weeks back, nearly killing himself when an asteroid scraped one of the ship’s engines. He’d tried to reassure Daniel that there was nothing to worry about, but Daniel had just shaken his head and said ‘Don’t get yourself killed’.
        Ryan and Daniel had very different priorities.       (hide spoiler)]

new version
(view spoiler)[
    As his craft scraped sickeningly past an asteroid, Daniel Keating slipped through a rapidly-narrowing gap in the veritable thicket of giant space rocks and found himself speeding towards Mars. All this occurred in a matter of seconds, but far too slowly for Daniel's liking, particularly if he was to advance to a higher squadron. As he steered the spaceship past the dull red surface, skimming the top of the atmosphere, his left hand went numb. Grabbing the controls with his right hand, Daniel struggled with it for a moment, before turning on the autopilot and letting both hands fall into his lap. The scars on his left hand seemed more prominent than ever, the pale ridges stark against his skin.
      (hide spoiler)]

* rewritten version is incomplete ( you can still comment about either part! )