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Can I get feedback on this blurb? I have also posted in another group. I am hoping for various feedback. This my first or second revision. Thanks in advance!

Detours in Time, by Pamela Schloesser Canepa
Tabatha, a feisty young woman and Milt, an awkward Science professor take a friendly trip together to the future. What was supposed to be fun soon turns quite intense when Tabatha and Milt discover things they shouldn’t know about their future selves and get sidetracked on the timeline. The couple believe their actions could save a life, and destroy another. Can the two friends of two completely different mindsets agree on a course of action? They must struggle to witness and not participate, in a place and time where they essentially strangers.
Amid the backdrop of a future that reveals great wonders and horrors, Tabatha (a.k.a. Pinky) and Milt must resist the temptation to use discoveries from future technology to aid them in their present time. Detours in Time starts as a fantastic escape and grows to present many moral dilemmas and surprises that can either destroy the strongest friendship or bring two people closer.

I am on iPad so not my favorite device for these, so I might come back later, but for now,one thing that struck me awkward is this: they must struggle... I am not sure but why would one 'must' struggle unless one is a masochist?

Also the first sentence is unclear. Of course I know that you mean two people but it almost makes it sound like they could be 3: Tabatha, a feisty woman, and Milt, who is a science professor.

Also at some point you say that the couple agrees that they could save a life and destroy another yet right after that you state they have two different mindsets. It seems contradictory.

I think maybe in this case, less is more, and a bit less could help tighten the blurb. For example, Is it absolutely necessary to mention that Tabatha is aka Pinky? Readers will surely discover it as they read. I don't see why burden the blurb with that.

Although it sounds like I am only finding things wrong, overall I think the story sounds intriguing and fun. Hopefully, someone will be able to help you more than I can.

Hi Pamela,
I often like to start my blurbs with a question to draw in readers. Maybe something like, "what if you new what the next big technology would be, but if you told people it would alter the future in unimaginable ways?" That might get the reader's mind going and curious to read more...

Best of luck!

G.G. wrote: "I am on iPad so not my favorite device for these, so I might come back later, but for now,one thing that struck me awkward is this: they must struggle... I am not sure but why would one 'must' stru..."

Thank you for your feedback! It seems I needed some simple editing, and yes, I don't need to add a.k.a. Pinky. Thanks for the positive feedback as well.

M.K. wrote: "Hi Pamela,
I often like to start my blurbs with a question to draw in readers. Maybe something like, "what if you new what the next big technology would be, but if you told people it would alter th..."

Thanks!

How about this: What if future technology could drastically change your life, now? Would you follow the rules of time travel? Or do some situations warrant the breaking of a rule?

Then...continue with the rest that would fill in detail of the two MC's and their relationship.

(The thing is, the technology itself is not the clincher here, it is what this technology can do for her life in finding a long lost family member).

Pamela wrote: "Can I get feedback on this blurb? ..."

Feisty Tabatha takes a trip to the future with Milt, an awkward science professor. The supposed fun trip turns intense when they make discoveries about their future selves and that while their actions may save one life, they could destroy another. Can Milt and Tabatha agree on a course of action?

Nice and concise, Dwayne! Thank you for the ideas.

What strikes me most (besides the missing commas) is the missed opportunities with word choice.

Take a trip - you take a trip to the bathroom, not the future.
Quite intense - that trip to the bathroom could be quite intense, but you have an opportunity here to create mood and setting. Turns deadly? Turns viscous? Turns scandalous?
Great wonders and horrors - well, the bathroom thing fits here too, but I belabor the point. You have a shot to tell me what your writing will taste like and you don't take it.

One more thing - Why is your heroine's identity a feisty young woman, but your hero gets to have a job and value outside of his gender. I would level that out.

Do Who What and Why. Three paragraphs. Little or no backstory. Every word counts and needs to do something for the blurb.

Hope that helps and if it didn't, I hope it at least made you smile.

Dwayne wrote: "Pamela wrote: "Can I get feedback on this blurb? ..."

Feisty Tabatha takes a trip to the future with Milt, an awkward science professor. The supposed fun trip turns intense when they make discover..."

Way to kill it! Mad summary skills there, Dwayne. Condensed that bad boy right down to it's core.

*I'm not sure how to change the Tabatha description, Melonie. The feisty young woman is a starving artist, somewhat. She's a lot younger and just getting started in her field and not really identified by accomplishments as she is just trying to get into her field. They're from different backgrounds and at different points of life. To add to that, they met because she worked for him while in college. But I can't include all of that background. This is the latest re-write:

What if future technology could drastically change your life in the present? Would you follow the rules of time travel? Or do some situations warrant the breaking of a rule?

Feisty Tabatha takes a journey to the future with Milt, an awkward Science professor. What was supposed to be fun turns quite intense when they make revealing discoveries about their future selves and end up on other “detours.” The two set events into action that may save one life, yet destroy another. Can these friends of completely different mindsets agree on a course of action? They struggle to witness and not participate, in a place and time where they are essentially strangers.

Amid the backdrop of a future that reveals great wonders and horrors, Tabatha and Milt must resist the temptation to use discoveries from future technology to aid them when they return to the present. Detours in Time starts as a fantastic escape and grows to present many moral dilemmas and surprises that can either destroy the strongest friendship or bring two people closer.

If you care to elaborate on the usage of commas, Melonie, I would welcome that. All I can see is that it appears commas are needed in the introduction of the main characters, but that is taken care of when I cut some words from it.

I think your most recent description is a solid step in the right direction.

You may want to leave out "rule" in your opening questions unless time travel is a common thing in your world/universe. If time travel is a new discovery then it's unlikely the main characters would have-or know about-rules. Dilemmas and potential unforeseen consequences? Sure!

It's hard to do, but choosing one or two pieces of information about your characters and plot will help focus the interest of your potential readers.

Let me think a bit more about your current description.

Another thought: Focusing on the relationship of the main characters may not interest the reader that much if this is your first book about them. Your current description would work better if this were a sequel in a series where the reader already knows a little about the characters. (So hey, save those ideas for your next book with them!)

I took a stab at a description that focuses more on general action and conflict, and since I don't know that much about your book, I left some suggestions for how you can customize it to better fit your plot.

What if future technology could drastically change your life in the present? Would you use it if you had the chance?(OR)

What if traveling into the future revealed a terrible mistake?

When Tabitha and Milt visit their future selves on a whim, their trip changes the very nature of ... (technology? That one person's life you mentioned? Events? Their future selves? Choose a primary consequence, you can have more in the book itself)

A trip full of wonder and excitement quickly becomes a race to discover what went wrong, and leads them into shattered realities that no longer resemble their own timeline.

(insert what their main goal is here.)

With tension, wit, and great sacrifice, Detours in Time explores the moral dilemmas of time travel, and how even the best intentions can go horribly wrong. (change words used to make it more lighthearted or dramatic depending on your tone)

Best of luck!

I love the book title and would read because of it and my interest in time travel.

Jordan,
That is awesome! Let me toss that in the cauldron and see what comes out of the mix! Lillian, thank you! I hope to have it all ready by mid-June.

I love the camaraderie here! -Pam

Hi Pamela. You could just do what Dwayne did and go with Feisty Tabatha. Or you could tell us something about her. Tabatha, a feisty want-to-be (or up and coming or budding or drowning or starving or frustrated) artist. Tell me something about her that makes her different than every Harlequin Romance ever written. And no, you don't want to include all of that background.

As for the commas - I started to insert them, but I looked at your rewrite and I thought I would take a shot at that instead. It's much better. Consider this:

Tabatha, a feisty but frustrated young artist and Milt, an awkward science professor set off on a journey into the future. Their friendly excursion turns deadly when they bump into their future selves and uncover details they never should have known.

Now, they have a choice to make. Do they steal knowledge from the future to alter events from the past, or do they follow Milt's advice and stick to the rules of time-travel allowing their dark futures unfold?

For Tabatha, rules are meant to be broken. Especially when breaking them could save a life.

As Tabatha and Milt navigate the twists of their future, they must either trust in themselves or trust in each other.

See if that helps at all. It doesn't align with your exactly, so it could be wrong. But, maybe it will give you another direction to consider.

Thanks, Melonie! You have some good suggestions here.

Pamela wrote: "I want to thank everyone here again for offering your advice on this blurb..."

You're welcome. Best of luck.

I like the one suggested by Dwayne. Much more concise. Eliminates confusing language and also doesn't give away too much of the plot but just teases enough.