Support for Indie Authors discussion

Hi. I'm new here. Would readers/writers here be willing to go over another blurb? It's Perfect Timing by Jeffery J Smith. Here's the current one:

On Earth Day 2017, Rogue Phoenix Press released the debut novel of editor Jeffery J. Smith. His Perfect Timing is a romp of a book plus a powerful way to improve our lot (a Citizen’s Dividend). It's like Callenbach’s classic, Ecotopia, but comedic with surprising twists. (BTW, Ernest C. edited my nonfiction work, may he RIP). Perfect Timing conveys the tone of Hitchhiker’s Guide, offers insights like Stranger in a Strange Land, and presents an upbeat alternative, unlike Brave New World.

The hero of Perfect Timing, caterer Crik Duvall, is accidentally transported to the future where buildings grow, people incorporate animal powers, smart phones know it all, and vehicles defy gravity. Vigilante Voltak, protector of the status quo, pursues Crik and his cat-woman guide, Tepper — could she be his distant descendant? — to return the “Pastian" runaway before his allotted 24 hours are up. If Crik can discover why Geotopia works so well for people and planet, not only can he become a celeb but he can also show he was vital to progress. The future's authorities wouldn’t return their Founder to the moment he left, when gunfire bore down on him, would they?

Check it out. These links take you directly to the book:

The whole first paragraph seems like you are not selling your book but are just trying to cash in on name recognition from other books. It doesn't make me want to read it. I should be able to figure out what it's like by reading it.

The second paragraph should start out with the name of your main character.

Yeah, some of the teachers recommend comparisons to known titles, but you do make sense not doing that. Re 2nd paragraph, so ... ?

I'm with Eric. You need to focus on *your* story; imagine a reader who is picking up a book for the first time. You can't assume they have heard or read the other works you mention.

What makes your story worth reading?

Also, celeb sounds glib to me. Consider using full words, maybe.

Jeffery wrote: "Re 2nd paragraph, so ... ?"

The advice I found when researching how to write blurb boiled down to:
1) Set the story's scene. Location, time period, genre.
2) Establish main characters.
3) Ask a question that can only be answered by reading the book.
4) Avoid giving away too many plot points. The reader wants to be intrigued, not feel as if you've simply summarized the story. That kills curiosity and with it any incentive to purchase.

I'd also avoid putting the title in the blurb. It seems redundant.

Now it looks like you've actually hit most of those points, but it seems wordy, too reliant on listing aspects of the universe and doesn't hook the reader. Try rewriting it from scratch without the first paragraph to give us a fresh perspective?

Thanks, Frances. I'll get on it and post it here.

I would just add the same really, there is way, way too much in both paragraphs. Try simplifying it:

Crick Duvall is a caterer, he knows about pizza and cupcakes. He's never heard of planet xxx or a guy called Vigilante Voltek--but he'll need to learn, and fast, or he will never see .... again.

MLR, I like your simplification, however complex :) I'll try to pick up where you left off. Thanks.

I'm a devotee of the very short blurb, so you can probably guess what my advice would be. And I would say never mention any other book or author.

One of my books has a three word blurb. A love story

Thanks. It seems the reference to famous titles belongs in reviews, not in blurbs. Ciao,

Thanks you Frances, ML, and Jane. Following your suggestions, I revised the blurb to read ... Please let me know what you think. Best,

Caterer Crik Duvall is bewildered. In the city he knows well, now buildings grow, people incorporate animal powers, smart phones know it all, and vehicles defy gravity. He’s been accidentally transported to the future. Where he’s unwanted. To keep their past intact, the future's authorities must return Crik to the moment he left, when gunfire bore down on him. Unless … he can show he was vital to progress. With his cat-woman guide, Tepper — could she be his distant descendant? — the duo dash around to suss out what makes Geotopia work so well for people and planet. Vigilante Voltak, protector of the status quo, pursues them to return the “Pastian" runaway before his allotted 24 hours are up. If by then Crik can prove he’s their Founder, he’ll be a celebrity in his new time.

Much better! Maybe a couple of extra tweaks:

"Caterer Crik Duvall is bewildered. In the city he though he knew, suddenly buildings grow, people incorporate animal powers, smart phones know it all, and vehicles defy gravity.

He’s been accidentally transported to a future where he’s unwanted. To keep their past intact, the future's authorities must return Crik to the moment he left, a moment when he was fighting for his life. That is, unless he can show he was vital to progress.

With his cat-woman guide, Tepper — could she be his distant descendant? — the duo dash around to suss out what makes Geotopia work so well for people and planet. Vigilante Voltak, protector of the status quo, pursues them to return the “Pastian" runaway before his allotted 24 hours are up. If by then Crik can prove he’s their Founder, he’ll be a celebrity in his new time."

Thoughts?

Frances, you miracle maker! Beautiful. Huge thanks! One tiny question. You preferred the somewhat generic "fighting for his life" instead of the more graphic "bullets bearing down on him". Could you let me know your reasoning there? Thanks again.

It came more naturally given sentence structure, but it also felt better putting the hero in the active role (fighting) rather than in the passive (being shot at).

Also make sure you correct my typo on thought at the beginning :P

Excellent points all, thanks again.

Jeffery wrote: "Excellent points all, thanks again."

You're welcome. Good luck!