Life Without Ed® (with Jenni!) discussion
Recovery At Any Age
Hi there, my name is Kelli and I started my recovery journey 8+ years ago at the age of 42. I know how difficult recovery is, and I also know first hand the unique challenges, shame and isolation of seeking treatment as an older woman. Please know that I would love to help in any way possible anyone struggling with an eating disorder, but I have a special place in my heart for older women trying to break the chains of an eating disorder. I'm here to listen and share my story of hope, restoration and learning to love living!! Reach out! That's the first and hardest step!
This is kelli, again. I wanted to let you know that I'm actually the woman speaking on the podcast sharing my recovery story that Jenni posted. Forgot to mention that in my above post!! I'd love to dialogue with you all and if you'd like to speak to me in person that can happen too. Just let me know and I can pass on a way to get in touch with me! Recovery really is possible!!
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Hi Kelli and Jenni! Thank you so much for writing this. I'm 40 and feel like I've been half-assing recovery for a long time. I'm ready to be recovered! I'll be back to write more because it's late, but just wanted to say hi and thank you. Yours in recovery, Krystal
Hi Kelli and Jenni. This is Colleen. As an older person who has struggled with eating issues all my life, I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Ed is screaming in my head lately and I have been trying to tell him that my body is changing because I am aging. He, however, keeps telling me to stop making excuses and know that my body is changing because I eat too much (haven't changed my eating habits so I keep trying to tell him that it can't be that). I just need some help trying to convince Ed that I am reaching my menopausal years and this is what happens to many.
Mod
Hi Krystal - Thank you for sharing here. I know for a fact that your comment is so helpful to others. Many now know that they are not alone in similar feelings. BTW: you awareness is awesome. What is one action you can take today to make a deeper commitment to recovery? A lot of my second book, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life, is about that...moving from "in recovery" to "full recovery." We will discuss that book next! I look forward to hearing more from you. Thanks again!
Oh, one more thing: are there any chapters in Life Without Ed that you would like us to discuss in the next thread. I posted that question here: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/... (I'd love to hear from you!)
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Hi Colleen - Thanks again for encouraging me to begin this thread. So helpful! Have you connected with your treatment team about issues related to aging? For many in eating disorder recovery, getting older is such a challenge. My dear friend, author Robyn Cruze, even wrote a blog about it: https://themighty.com/2017/04/eating-... If I find more resources on this topic, I will post them here.
Also, something I talk a lot about in Life Without Ed (see "Disagree and Disobey" section on page 9) is that that I never had to convince Ed of anything. What I had to do was change my response to Ed. I didn't have to change him. (He is like a broken record saying the same exact things. He isn't very creative, let's face it!) Hope this makes sense.
In my life, Ed was like a muscle that atrophied. When I stopped engaging him (trying to convince him and change his mind, etc.), he essentially atrophied. Muscles get bigger when we use them. I stopped giving Ed power, and he withered away. This is my hope for you! I have seen countless fully recover. They don't even hear Ed anymore. I believe you can get here, too! Don't quit.
Also, do you have any chapters in Life Without Ed that you would like us to discuss in a thread. I posted that question here: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/... (I would love to get your perspective!)
Jenni wrote: "Thanks, Kelli! You are seriously inspirational."I so enjoy working with you, Jenni! You inspire me so much!
Colleen wrote: "Hi Kelli and Jenni. This is Colleen. As an older person who has struggled with eating issues all my life, I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Ed is screaming in my head lately and I have..."Hi Krystal, I recently turned 51 and struggled nearly 30 years with my Ed before finding the freedom I now enjoy. I really understand what you are saying and know how difficult it is to have Ed "screaming in my head". You are not alone! I want to encourage you to not give up and to believe that life can be lived in freedom from our Eds. I never thought that life without Ed dictating everything I did was ever possible. Let me know how I can come alongside you in your recovery. If you'd like to chat on the phone we can arrange that!
Kelli wrote: "Colleen wrote: "Hi Kelli and Jenni. This is Colleen. As an older person who has struggled with eating issues all my life, I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Ed is screaming in my head l..."I need to apologize Colleen...I addressed my post to you as speaking to Krystal. I had read several posts and mistakenly got your name wrong. I'm really sorry!!!
Krystal wrote: "Hi Kelli and Jenni! Thank you so much for writing this. I'm 40 and feel like I've been half-assing recovery for a long time. I'm ready to be recovered! I'll be back to write more because it's late,..."Hi Krystal, Thank you for reaching out! I know from experience that it's so easy to keep one foot in the Ed and one foot in recovery! It can feel safer that way. It was very difficult and took a long time for me to be where I am at in recovery now. I had used my Ed and other addictions including alcoholism to deal with my feelings (especially fear), and deep rooted shame from complex trauma in my growing up years. For me recovery has not been a stellar moment of clarity where I decided to stop my behaviors. It has been a long process. I've slowly and continually worked on issues in my life and my turning away from the Ed to reach a place now where I realize that it no longer serves me well or adds any benefit or value in my life at all. Let me know how I can come alongside you and encourage you in any way in your recovery journey!
Mod
I so enjoy working with you, Jenni! You inspire me so much!"
Right back at you! Thank you!
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Again, thank you!
Kelli wrote: "Colleen wrote: "Hi Kelli and Jenni. This is Colleen. As an older person who has struggled with eating issues all my life, I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Ed is screaming in my head l..."Kelli wrote: "Colleen wrote: "Hi Kelli and Jenni. This is Colleen. As an older person who has struggled with eating issues all my life, I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone. Ed is screaming in my head l..."
Kelli wrote: "Hi there, my name is Kelli and I started my recovery journey 8+ years ago at the age of 42. I know how difficult recovery is, and I also know first hand the unique challenges, shame and isolation o..."Hi, I'm Sara. I'm 64 and have struggled with bulimia for 34 years and binge eating before that since age 17. Good to know that there are others , if not as long term, at least not just teenagers, who have come through and recovered. I find it hard to ignore Ed and not just act on his wishes. In the moment i feel as if Ed's wishes are truly my own , and saying no is so hard. How do you actually do it. It's no different from what has always felt like ridiculous, when therapists have told me "You just have to stop yourself from doing it. " It's easy to resolve for the future but under the strength of Ed's spell, I find it hard to walk away.
Sara wrote: "Kelli wrote: "Hi there, my name is Kelli and I started my recovery journey 8+ years ago at the age of 42. I know how difficult recovery is, and I also know first hand the unique challenges, shame Hi Sara, I understand what it means to struggle with an eating disorder since a teenager. I agree that it can be very hard to separate ourselves from Ed, and in the moment of an Ed behavior almost impossible to not act on what Ed is saying.
What I've learned in my recovery is that preparing for those difficult times makes all the difference. If I wait until I'm in the thick of it with Ed it is almost impossible to act the way I really want to in health. I'm also a recovering alcoholic and there is a saying we have there in AA. A relapse doesn't just happen out of the blue or when I take a drink. It started way before that.
The way I apply that to my Ed recovery is that I have to make good healthy choices way before Ed tells me there is nothing I can do to stop a behavior. Let me share a few things that have always helped me.....Being in a recovery group weekly helped me tremendously to have encouragement and accountability. If a group isn't in your area having a solid few friends to help you is a great idea. The very thing I was terrified of....letting people in and helping me turned out to be the very thing that saved my life.
I always had phone numbers that I could call at any time of people who were in my corner to really help me. Making a call to reach out before the voice of Ed in my head overtook me helped so much. Making sure I was eating healthily and what I needed to helped also. I committed to never skip a meal. I journal a lot about my feelings but have realized sharing those feelings with another person makes all the difference. My shame is decreased as I use my voice. When my feelings became overwhelming and Ed seemed to have all of the answers some things I did in the immediate moment were go for a walk, listen to music that was special, or doing anything with someone else. We use our Ed behaviors because we can't stand to be with our feelings in that moment...especially shame for me.
You and I both know that the Ed is never about the food even when in the moment we feel like it is. Whatever was underneath, what was inside of me had to be dealt with. There was no other way to be in a place to stop using Ed as a coping mechanism. I decided to find out what Ed didn't want me to look at. I didn't do that alone. I worked with my team and purposed in my heart to do whatever they said I needed to do to have recovery. I had tried for so many years to kiss Ed goodbye and couldn't. It was time for me to trust and surrender. If willpower and trying were all it took to be in recovery I would have succeeded many years before. It was time to try it another way and trust my team.
Two things that I've learned and remind myself of all the time: I have a voice, and I have a choice. Giving voice to what is going on inside with people I am connected with is very healing. Knowing I have a choice is so powerful to me. I have a choice to decide what I am going to do, the people I surround myself with, the way I want to respond to any situation. I grew up in a very abusive home and had little to no choice in anything. Today I get to call the shots in my life. None of this has happened overnight. I've had to fight really hard for my recovery. Recovery can not happen when we are isolated so I'm glad you reached out here. You are not alone!!!!!
Thanks so much Kelli. What sort of group did you go to? AA? I don't drink, and we don't have EDA here (Australia) but we have OA. People have recommended OA to me before but the idea of sitting there for an hour talking about ED when I'm having a good day and have other things to do never seems appealing. If I'm havin a bad day ir bingeing I'm not going anywhere. What you say makes sense though.I try to eat healthily and I don't skip meals unless I'm not hungry, and I don't really restrict in amount needed to satisfy but I try not to eat sweets as that sets me off.
Today I ate just a bit too much for breakfast and that set me off. It was that perfectionist thing - I ate too much so I've ruined the whole day so Have to binge and purge. The purging often doesn't even work anymore as its been so long term I'm losing the reflex. Then I feel sick and stuffed and horrible.
Hi Sara,If you have a therapist and dietitian they can perhaps suggest an eating disorder group in your area. Many treatment centers have out patient groups that are very helpful. If you don't have a therapist, beginning to work with one may be a good place to start to help gain some stability in Ed behaviors.
I understand the Ed telling you that you don't need to go to OA when you are having a good day. That's the way the Ed works. However, what I've found is that what you do on the good days prepares you for the hard days and keeps the bad days farther and farther apart. It's the structure that I set up and stay vigilant about on the good days that makes all the difference. Planning and preparing is what I had to do to remain successful in my recovery. If I wait for a bad day to decide to fight the Ed, it's too late. It's very hard then to make healthy choices and say no to the Ed. Recovery is all about surrounding yourself with the right people and putting yourself in the best possible place to fight. Recovery doesn't just happen.
About the meals...you said that you don't skip meals unless you're not hungry. I found that I had to eat what I knew I was supposed to even when I wasn't hungry. I highly recommend seeing a nutritionist/dietitian who has experience in eating disorders. I had to strictly follow a meal plan which included snacks all set up at times I needed to eat. Following a meal plan gave me the security in early recovery that I was eating all I needed and not overeating. You mentioned that feeling that you overate set you up for a day of behaviors. Perhaps sticking to a meal plan set up by a professional nutritionist might help you gain confidence in this area. I can now eat intuitively, and feel free to eat as I want but the meal plan was a life saver for me to gain some traction.
You mentioned perfectionism. I know from experience that the black and white of perfectionism almost killed me. There is no freedom in the pursuit of perfectionism, and I believe it is one of the biggest things that keep us from being successful in recovery.
Please hear, if nothing else, that recovery is very possible. I was controlled by the eating disorder for 30+ years. I've struggled with other addictions, and have survived complex trauma and a suicide attempt. I never in my wildest wishes thought freedom was something for me. Today I live is very full, content, joyous life in recovery. You can too. Never give up and always reach out for the help you need.
By the way Kelli, I did have a meal plan but just felt like eating extra to what was planned and did it!
Jenni, Thanks for starting this thread! I am older and have been dealing with anorexia since I was about 10. I was not as active in the restricting at that time because it was very difficult to not eat family meals, especially because my father was very controlling about what we ate and did not eat. I HAD to eat when he was around. The disease progressed quickly as I got into my teen years and had a lot more control over my food. Once I went to college, it became a raging monster! Because I am older, I am very embarrassed and ashamed about having anorexia. I am a teacher and do not want other staff to know that I struggle with this since most people think that eating disorders are found in the younger crowd. At the same time, i have been in residential, PHP, and IOP many times and have worked with a team of professionals for over 20 years. Spending so much time in intensive therapy and treatment makes me feel like I am never going to recover. That I will be one of those people who will have to fight it every single day, with no chance of full recovery.
I see a therapist, nutritionist, and psychiatrist regularly and feel like it has been harder over the past year because for the first time, my body is gaining weight instead of losing, even though I eat so little. Before, I was always painfully thin. At the insistence of my team, I finally had some medical tests run and found out I have developed a thyroid problem which is causing the large amount of weight gain. That being said, I am really struggling with the weight gain and feeling like I am living in a body that doesn't look or feel like my own. The hardest thing to hear was that along with thyroid treatments, eating more food is one of the things I have to do in order for my thyroid to begin functioning again. It is so hard to trust that eating more will help. I was managing to do this for a while, but then we returned to school and I am right back to skipping meals/snacks. It is crazy making to think about the fact that I am a teacher who teaches at a low income school. I make sure the students are well fed every day while also looking out for their wellbeing. BUT, I cannot seem to take care of my own basic needs! It helps to hear that I am not the only person who is older and still fighting this disease.
Jules
Hi Julie, As an older woman (51) who has struggled many years with anorexia also, I can so relate to your fear of gaining weight. Even though I am in solid in recovery now, I find that fear of gaining weight as I age is something I have to look at. For me, controlling how my body looks has always been a way of condensing everything I'm afraid of into a very simple thing...the number on the scale. What I've realized is that I am most terrified of not being enough. and so and for all of those years I tried to look and be perfect. I missed out on so much of life. Today, I have to continually remind myself that I no longer want to define who I am in this world and with others by what my body looks like. I'm learning to value more all of the wonderful things that make up me, and not focus only on what I look like. It's scary to do, isn't it? One thing that has helped me is to surround myself with genuine authentic people who remind me of the parts of me that they love....guess what? none of them say they love me for being thin. It has been a concept of changing my definitions of what I value. Some days I'm better at it than others. Some days it's hard. I hear what you're saying loud and clear!!
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Thanks, Kelli, for all that you have shared in this thread. You are quite an inspiration!
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Hi Sara - Thank you for sharing. I know that many can relate to your words. Have you had the chance to read the introduction to Life Without Ed? It covers some of the ideas you mentioned. You can read it here: https://jennischaefer.com/wp-content/...
I never had to change Ed; I had to change my response to him. And, you are SO right: that is very difficult. What I have learned is that, often, the thing that scares us the most is exactly what will set us free. In my early recovery, separating from Ed and disobeying him seemed impossible, but slowly, I took risks...ones that felt terrifying and awful. Recovery, as you know, means getting uncomfortable. We feel discomfort in order to reach freedom and comfort in the end. This is all a marathon, not a sprint. We can choose recovery in each moment--right now. What is one thing you can do today to disobey Ed? Small steps lead to big ones. You got this. And, you are not alone!
Mod
Thanks for starting this thread! I am older and have been dealing with anorexia since I was about 10. I was not as active in the restricting at that time because it was very difficult to no..."
Hi Julie - Thank you for sharing in this important thread. I am deeply sorry to hear about your struggle. I am happy to know that you are connected to a treatment team. Continued expert care can be such a key to getting better. I, too, have battled thyroid issues, so I understand that aspect of your story as well. It took a while, but, with proper medical care, we got that figured out, too. Never give up. Stay connected. I have met many people who have recovered--fully--after struggling 20, 30, 40, and 50 years. You CAN. We believe in you.
Thanks so much Jenni for your encouragement and support!
Mod
Of course! Thank you for being so vulnerable and real. You are an inspiration!
Hi, This really needs a new topic thread, but I don't know how.Re Perfectionism. Often if I have just a bit more than I planned to eat, or needed, it triggers a binge, because I was not perfect. i know the binge, even with purge will leave me worse off than than the extra slice of whatever, but it's an obsessive compulsive thing. In the book Brain over Binge , Kathryn Hansen was given an anti epilepsy drug (which sometime help with ED) and she found her attitude to food was more normal, and not obsessive. She said it was this taste of how it felt that was the start that allowed her to realise that she had the freedom to choose her behaviour. Has anyone tried ant-epislepsy drugs for ED? he said eventually it makes you gain weight , arrggg! si she went off it, but she had the experience of normal life. I have trouble breaking the OCD urge.
Jenni, Thanks for your response to me post. I wish that I was more successful with working on recovery. It is such a hard thing for me, and I just can't see myself ever recovering. There are so many issues that have caused the disease, and now the thyroid problems are making me even worse. You are right! I do have a very good treatment team, and they have done so much to keep me alive! Sometimes I feel guilty because they have worked so hard, for so long, and I am still not recovered!
I live here in Austin and work with MC at the ERC. As you know, she is amazing, but I always feel I am letting her down. I try so hard, but always seem to come up short when it comes to recovery. It is weird because I am a huge perfectionist and want to do everything perfect, but for some reason, when it comes to recovery, I am not able to apply these perfectionist qualities to my life. Instead, I think my food has to be perfect. In other words, follow all my eating, exercise, and other rules I've made for myself.
I hope you are right about the thyroid issue! It is so hard to accept and live with the way my body has changed because my thyroid isn't functioning! How long did it take for your doctor to get your thyroid functioning again?
Thanks again for your message!
jules
Mod
You (as well as Sara) mentioned perfectionism. She suggested a thread on that, so stay tuned. I will post about the chapter in Life Without Ed that covers perfectionism. Please share your words of wisdom...what you have learned in your journey so far. Keep fighting! Proud of you.
Mod
Re Perfectionism. Often if I have just a bit more than I planned to eat, or needed, it triggers a binge, because I was not perfect. i..."
Hi Sara - You are the second person to mention that book today! I must check it out.
I will start a perfectionism thread. Great idea! Thank you.
I also took medication to help with binge eating urges. I'd encourage you to work closely with your doctor on that. Since I am not a doctor, I cannot recommend specific medications. Like Kathryn, medication is a tool I used for awhile: with it, I learned what life can feel like without intense binge urges as well as what it can feel like to experience a normal day of eating. This was a gift, as I didn't have a reference for these things. Of course, medication isn't right for us all. Your treatment team will guide you. Stay connected, and stay hopeful. I love your determined spirit!
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Re Perfectionism. Often if I have just a bit more than I planned to eat, or needed, it triggers a binge, because I was n..."
Here is the perfectionism thread: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...
I look forward to hearing from you! Thanks for suggesting this.
Mod
Thanks for your response to me post. I wish that I was more successful with working on recovery. It is such a hard thing for me, and I just can't see myself ever recovering. There are so ma..."
Here is that perfectionism thread I just created: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/... I look forward to hearing your thoughts!
Jenni. can you just tell me whether the type of drug you took was an anti depressant which is also commonlyu sed for binge eating/ED or epilepsy. Here in Australia they are not big on using drugs so no doctor has prescribed and I don't currently have a doctor working with me on ED>
I just looked at Kathryn Hanson's book. The drug is called Topamax that she used. I know not suitable for everyone, but if something is known to help I will ask my doctor.
Jenni, I also wanted to mention that some of the the SSRI's (class of anti depressants) are approved for OCD and panic attacks. OCD is often associated with ED. The whole perfectionist thing leading to a need to binge if one is not perfect all the time , is an obsessive compulsive thing. Its not that you have to be depressed to take the drugs. Seratonin has many uses . I just wanted to clarify that , as some people may thing "but I'm not depressed so why would I take anti depressants." I just looked up the side effects of Topamax and it is similar to SSRI's - -dry mouth, insomnia etc and that is why I couldn't tolerate SSRI's so probably no point in me considering Topamax. Bummer.
Sara wrote: "I just looked at Kathryn Hanson's book. The drug is called Topamax that she used. I know not suitable for everyone, but if something is known to help I will ask my doctor."Sara, Topamax is a horrible drug! No one with an ED should ever be on it. My PCP put me on it. It takes away appetite, leaves you nauseous, made me dizzy to a point I could not drive and had falls. It caused more memory issues. My neurologist immediately took me off of it and said it is dangerous, causing more problems then it helps. Wellbutrin is also a drug that is not to be taken by people with EDs.
Hi Kim, Thanks so much for your input here. After reading the side effects n google I came to that realisation as well. I'm very sensitive to drugs , especially anything that gives insomnia and for me sleep is so important to my well being. I don't believe in taking drugs to take away appetite either, even if someone is overweight,eating enough food to satisfy true hunger doesn't make you fat. It's healthy to have an appetite and enjoy food. My bingeing starts in the head, not due to hunger. I have trouble with the all or nothing syndrome.
Mod
Sara, Topa..."
Thanks for all of your comments. Medication could be an entire thread, but, since I am not a doctor: I won't start that one! :)
It is very important to note here that everyone responds differently to medications. Topiramate (generic name) has shown in research to help reduce binge eating. Some people don't have all of the negative side effects. Again, only a medical doctor can work one on one with someone to determine what is best.
Hi Jenni, what about a thread called "Things that help". That way we could get ideas from others. Things that help me are:_1. Getting outside in the fresh air and near nature (beach, park etc) and go for brisk walk. If not entrenched in strong urge yet it can pull me out.
2. Regular contact with friends and family. Avoid isolation.
3. maintain happy positive thoughts. It doesn't matter how minor. Even consciously feeling great about the sunny weather, or whatever .
4. Focus on the positive goals that you want rather than the ED hat you don't want. What you focus on grows stronger. Focus on how I am enjoying planning healthy nutritious meals and going to yoga and gym.
Also I had did a one month on-line Self help Jourmalling with Thom Rutledge and it was awsome. I would have done longer if I could afford it.
Mod
1. Getting outside in the fresh air and near nature (beach, park etc) and..."
Thanks for these ideas, Sara! We actually have a thread that is meant to be a "Things that help" kind of area: https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/... Maybe, I should change the title of the thread up a bit! (I love what you said about connection versus isolation. That is such a key.)
Jenni, Thanks for sharing your experience with the thyroid medication. I am so frustrated with how long is taking to get things regulated. You are right about working with MC, she is amazing. I've worked with her for over 20 years, so she knows about the thyroid issues, in fact, she is the one who insisted that I finally see an Endocrinologist. She knew my weight had always been low, and that I didn't eat enough to be gaining so much weight. She wanted me to go to the doctor, but I wouldn't go. After a year, she finally "made" me go! As you probably know, she can be very "persuasive" and "bossy" as I like to tell her! I'm sure you probably know her response to getting the thyroid regulated. "Eat more, don't restrict!" 😏
Sara wrote: "Thanks so much Kelli. What sort of group did you go to? AA? I don't drink, and we don't have EDA here (Australia) but we have OA. People have recommended OA to me before but the idea of sitting the..."Hi Sara. I do attend the occasional AA or even an ALANON meeting just to be with people especially when I am having a really bad day. I have a support system that has been there for me when it's convenient for them. I find there are good people at these meetings; people trying to recover who they are/were and be better. I have difficulty with finding meetings here or sometimes I need to find people and a distraction NOW to stop my self-harm and ED behaviors. My hired professionals have other patients. There are times you have to work with what you have. Explore the options... if it works, all the better. It is something I have discussed with my therapist and psychiatrist beforehand.
Kim wrote: "Sara wrote: "I just looked at Kathryn Hanson's book. The drug is called Topamax that she used. I know not suitable for everyone, but if something is known to help I will ask my doctor."Sara, Topa..."
All due respect, I think this is an individual decision that should be left between a doctor and patient. Personally, I have been taking this for years (pre-ED) because it is the only medication I can take for my particular illness because I have too many medication sensitives and no side effects. It took a lot of trial and error to find one therapy to control my disease. And, yes, when I went to treatment, they wanted to take me off it because it is supposed to have an affect on hunger/fullness cues in the brain (what I was told at treatment, I am not an MD, so second hand from staff there). What doesn't work for one, may not work for another. I never considered it for purposes of weight because it never affected by appetite. But, I agree with Jenni, best leave it to the professionals. Hope I haven't overstepped with my firsthand account. :)
I am Jennifer. I could have sworn that I shared when this thread started. I am 46 years old. Empty nester. I was diagnosed with PTSD and an eating disorder earlier this year. I was told that I was probably dealing with varying levels of ED throughout my life but it kicked into high gear a few years ago. The last year really did me in. My ex-husband had open heart surgery, divorce, treatment, lost my job, you name it, I think it happened. What's messed up is that I keep beating myself up; telling myself that at 46 I should have my "stuff" together. How did I let myself get this "bad off" that I couldn't function properly? That I had to go somewhere to have professionals show me how to eat and teach me to take care of myself - neither of which I doing well with. Yes, I am VERY Type-A. Letting go of that is hard. I felt like I let myself down. I am working on that. Hard stuff. I really did think I was fine for such a long time. Nope. I still do things I shouldn't. I self-harm. If I feel like a child then how do other adults view it? Yes, I still care what others think. I am working on fine. I want to say I am recovered, but I am working on it. I relapse weekly... can you walk the line of relapse? Like half relapse? If so, that is me. What have I discovered? Not facing the reality of what happened to me during my childhood and in the military has allowed me to ruin countless relationships and my marriage. It made me a cold person. Now, I am in therapy trying to fix that. I really don't want to be that crazy cat lady alone in her apartment with her kids checking up on her once a week. Or worse, the woman we used to see in my hometown who would walk up to the general store in shorts, a t-shirt with no bra and a towel wrapped around her head because she alienated herself to the point she didn't care any longer. I am too old to lose myself.
"No matter what struggles I come across, I will keep going, because I have the will and strength to overcome it all. All my greatest accomplishments, I once thought I would never achieve, but I keep on succeeding every challenge that faces me. No matter what is beyond my control, nothing will ever make me less than a woman. I am and will always be a powerful woman." -Victoria Enriquez
THanks Jennifer. I'm 64 and still bulimic and I think the same. What wold people think. I haven't told my friends or family, ever. I was too embarrassed to tell my doctor as I have known her for ages and she thinks I'm reasonably normal. I went to a new doctor I hadn't met to get the form for therapy with a psychologist.But what this thread was originally abut is that age is irrelevent and you can recover at any age.
I'm about to start therapy again, on on one, but in the past it never really helped. I'm not intentionally hiding any issues but I know the basic issues of low self esteem and feeling unloved from childhood are a big factor.
Jennifer, you mentioned AA, but have you been to OA? I'm scared for some reason. I keep meaning to go and I never do.
Mod
Hey there! I wanted to share a link here that lists some free online 12-step support meetings. I have been told that these meetings are particularly helpful: https://jennischaefer.com/resources/
Also, you might like this book,
. It is great. There are EDA meetings as well: http://www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/Hope this helps! Thanks again for sharing.
Life Without Ed® (with Jenni!)
Books mentioned in this topic
Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery (other topics)Eating Disorders Anonymous: The Story of How We Recovered from Our Eating Disorders (other topics)
Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life (other topics)
And, Eating Recovery Center even created a recent podcast just for you: https://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com/... (Episode 2, At Any Age)
You are not alone. Eating disorders do not discriminate by age, ethnicity, culture, gender, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, nor anything else.
And, more importantly, recovery does happen. See Kelli's post below. (She is featured in the podcast I listed!)