Life Without Ed® (with Jenni!) discussion

What is one thing you can do TODAY to make a deeper commitment to your recovery? This section of Goodbye Ed, Hello Me is all about making a different kind of decision to get better--a deeper commitment to heal. The section discusses thresholds that some of us have in our decision to recover, things like:

I will stay on track with food UNTIL....(e.g., I get really scared and frustrated)
I will honor my body AS LONG AS... (e.g., I stay a size X)

Obviously, to recover, I had to remove the thresholds like UNTIL and AS LONG AS...

A deeper, different decision (sometimes made over and over again) led me to full recovery. The road was very difficult, but it was also possible.

Here, let's make deeper decisions to recover. What is one step you can do today to strengthen your recovery? Examples:

I will follow my food plan no matter what.
I will journal my feelings.
I will make a phone call for help.
I will text a friend for connection instead of letting Ed have the day.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts about this section!

** Please remember to keep your posts non-triggering. Per the rules of the group, no numbers (e.g., weights, calories, clothing sizes). Also, please refrain from posting specific eating disordered behaviors. We want to keep this group non-triggering and focused on the solution. Triggering posts will be deleted in order to protect our special group. **

For today .... I'm going to make the decision to follow my meal plan and to reach out as it's been a difficult morning so far.

Not only go to therapy, but talk about what I say every time that I need to talk about. I will not let the conversation at the beginning keep going even I just keep having to cut her off. I will also hold her to her commitment from two weeks ago that was supposed to happen last week and didn’t, and if it doesn’t this week I might walk out.

I like that. If you make it until Friday, maybe you could keep adding not weighing yourself to any other goal you may have (if you have others). I don’t mean at your dietician’s office/ therapist’s, anywhere like that, but not at home. I think that’s what you meant anyway. After a while you just might be able to make it a goal to not do it for the next 2 weeks, month...

Let me rephrase that. Erase where I put “you just might be able to” and I’m going to say you CAN. It isn’t easy and I know doesn’t happen overnight, but I can tell you want this and you are trying so hard to get better. As long as you keep up the fight, you will get there.

Just Keep Swimming!

Dreamer, I need to do the exact same! You’ve inspired me.

Heidi wrote: "For today .... I'm going to make the decision to follow my meal plan and to reach out as it's been a difficult morning so far."

That's powerful, Heidi. Thanks for reaching out.

Rachel wrote: "Not only go to therapy, but talk about what I say every time that I need to talk about. I will not let the conversation at the beginning keep going even I just keep having to cut her off. I will al..."

I love what you said about discussing what you really need to talk about in therapy. In Chicago, with patients at Eating Recovery Center, I encouraged them to tell their treatment teams the one thing that Ed hasn't let them share yet. As you know, our secrets can keep us sick. Connection can keep us on the healing path.

Michelle wrote: "Dreamer, I need to do the exact same! You’ve inspired me."

Yes, you can all do it!

Dreamer wrote: "This week I'm going to stick to my meal plan no matter how I feel. And I won't weight myself. Rely on my recovery team. I make this proposition at least until friday that I have my psychologist."

I LOVE this... courageous and strong. Thank you!

I forgot about this thread, or maybe I just did not want to remember about it. The last time I posted to this thread was the day before Thanksgiving, when I was struggling with following my meal plan and extremely anxious about Thanksgiving. Update to my last post on this thread: I was successful at following my meal plan over Thanksgiving.

I need to make a couple different decisions if I want to fully recover.

First, I need to stop isolating and I need to be reaching out to those who have offered to be a support for me. I finally have a handful of individuals who have come into my life and offered to be a support, and I feel like I’ve allowed both my depression and Ed to pull me away from those people and from this group over the past few weeks.

Second, I need to stop listening to Ed who has been doing an amazing job at pulling me away from my treatment team. I have been with the same therapist for three years, she has worked through a lot of stuff with me, and never have I treated her as horrible as I have been lately. Never before, have I questioned my relationship with her, and now, I have allowed Ed to make me believe both my therapist and my dietitian don’t believe me and are going to tell me they no longer wish to work with me. This has created so much unnecessary tension and stress on my relationship with both of them, especially with my therapist. I have to trust my therapist and my dietitian, and I have to trust the process, which is so hard to do.

Th

Heidi wrote: "I forgot about this thread, or maybe I just did not want to remember about it. The last time I posted to this thread was the day before Thanksgiving, when I was struggling with following my meal pl..."

Heidi - As I have said before, you are so strong and brave. Your vulnerability and authenticity are such gifts. You got this. We believe in you. Have beautiful holiday!

Jenni wrote: "Heidi wrote: "I forgot about this thread, or maybe I just did not want to remember about it. The last time I posted to this thread was the day before Thanksgiving, when I was struggling with follow..."

Thank you, Jenni. I hope you have a wonderful holiday as well!! Good luck with your writing!!

Heidi wrote: "I forgot about this thread, or maybe I just did not want to remember about it. The last time I posted to this thread was the day before Thanksgiving, when I was struggling with following my meal pl..."

Hey Heidi,
Following your meal plan during Thanksgiving is amazing! So grateful for your honesty and vulnerability. And I hope as you are working on so many difficult and brave things in recovery, you remember to celebrate your progress. Every time you turn towards your treatment team and away from ED, that's something big. Something to celebrate. My eating disorder told me how horrible I was all day long, so an act of courage or recovery for me was simply to say, "Shannon, you got to therapy. You ate that meal. This matters." Sending love!

Melody wrote: "Heidi, I just want to say I appreciate your courage and honesty in sharing your story. Keep leaning in and trusting your team. Proud of you!"

Thank you, Melody.

Shannon wrote: "Heidi wrote: "I forgot about this thread, or maybe I just did not want to remember about it. The last time I posted to this thread was the day before Thanksgiving, when I was struggling with follow..."

Hey Shannon,

Thank you for sharing this with me. When I read the beginning of your post to me, I thought, "I rarely celebrate my progress." It is really hard for me to remember to celebrate my progress; however, I have gotten a little better than I used to be, I think. Your example helped me see that I may actually acknowledge/celebrate my progress more often than I thought. I have caught myself praising certain choices I have made in different areas of my life, including Ed, similar to what your example says. Thanks again.

Heidi wrote: "Shannon wrote: "Heidi wrote: "I forgot about this thread, or maybe I just did not want to remember about it. The last time I posted to this thread was the day before Thanksgiving, when I was strugg..."

Hey Heidi,
Celebrating my progress is something I still really struggle with. I think that your sharing in this community is so brave. I'm really inspired by you and grateful for your shares!
-Shannon and Bella

Melody wrote: "For me, I am working at choosing to deal with the hard emotions instead of numb them out. It's not easy but I'm working at it one day at a time."

Sooo hard! But soooo worth it! One day at a time is the journey :) Thanks for sharing!
-Shannon and Bella

Shannon wrote: "Heidi wrote: "Shannon wrote: "Heidi wrote: "I forgot about this thread, or maybe I just did not want to remember about it. The last time I posted to this thread was the day before Thanksgiving, whe..."

Thank you for the kind words, Shannon and Bella. 😊

I want to say first, I hope this isn't triggering to anyone. If Jenni thinks it is, she can remove it. What I am struggling with is my commitment to recovery. Recovery is hard, we all know this. To motivate myself, I imagine life on the other side of recovery. What I see is me still having little energy and motivation, still dealing with pain, still foggy minded, still having memory problems. But now, in addition to this I will look fluffy in a way that used to make me self injure. I feel like my wt. is one of the few positive things in my life and recovery will remove this. Does anyone else worry about this? Is it just the enemy resisting recovery? I really need to know.

The thought of “if I am in recovery, that automatically means I will be ***!” is one I think any one put on weight restoration has had (or something similar) during their recovery process. (Yes, those 3 stars in the beginning are that dreaded “F” word. Sometimes you’ve gotta actually gat the word out to get the word out (even if it still means bleeping it out).

You’ve probably heard that body image is the last thing to go. How’s the irony in that? I hate to be repetitive, but it was a while ago and in a different topic at least. I’ve been in and out of treatment since 2005. There were times I’d be in recovery for 2 years or so, then others I was tossed between places (because of insurance) for over a year. In fact, that was the last and I left inpatient on January 1 2015 I believe, which would put THIS as the longest I’ve gone. Having issues with depression and PTSD, but it’s nice to be able to say that for the most part (90%? Of the time) it has not affected my ED.

Anyway, back to the body image...I went to residential treatment in FL and ending up back less than 6 weeks after coming home. I ended up staying in FL, at first to go through their step down, then ended up staying 3 years. I didn’t have long to learn to “deal with” body image considering we were less than a mile from the beach. The first couple times I went, I wore whatever I had on getting there IN the water. Then one day I started people watching...not comparing, just noticing how much fun it looked like they were having not covering up with a towel or wet clothes. The next day, I went back and as a habit I was running to the water in my cover up. I ran back, threw it on my towel, and went back to the water. Nothing could keep me away from what had always been my safe place.

Goes to show that over time, things do get better. I won’t say I’ve ever been to a point where I’ve actually “liked” my body, but have come to accept it. Also, while I may not love the way I look, i am able to appreciate what it does for me (usually).

Thank you, Rachel. It's still freezing and the ground is covered in snow here in N. Idaho. The more clothing I wear the worse my body image is. It's more than looking good for others though. It's how I look to me. How I feel about me. Thanks for reminding me that this is the last thing to heal. I do need repetition.

I’ll never forget years ago (before any treatment) I flew out to Miami in JULY to meet up with some people for an event. Our hotel was on the beach so I was out there a lot. Most of that time, I felt so uncomfortable I wore hoodies and shorts. Now I just kinda laugh when I think about it and how ridiculous I was.

It’s a good sign in my opinion that you are able to see the relationship between the layers of clothes and body image issues being worse. That’s not to say it has to be great when it gets warmer, but I can see why you could feel worse. I think you just need to think of things to stay away from when you are layering up to go out (I’m assuming you aren’t always sitting at home with a huge coat on and all that! Haha). Don’t look in the mirror if even the thought bothers you. If you have to go in a bathroom or somewhere with one, hopefully it’s not full length. Not looking would be best though. The other is, if this is an issue for you, don’t weigh yourself. You shouldn’t anyway, but doing that in all those clothes is only setting yourself up. If it helps, picture toddlers in the one piece suits that walk around in the snow and can’t even move their arms (they look like little stars). Crack me up!

I basically live in sweatpants/yoga pants and loose T-shirt’s at home (so most of the time). When I have to leave I’ll usually throw jeans on and a loose T-shirt and, of course, a hoodie! That’s the ONLY thing I like about it getting “cold”.

Thanks for bringing up body image struggles. Yes, in my experience (and that of many), negative body image is the last to go. For me, negative body image was the first part of my eating disorder to come along, at age four! In my recovery, time and patience were key with negative body image. For some of us, our bodies change more quickly than our brains. We must give our brains time to rewire, and they will. I have learned to appreciate what my body DOES and not think so much about what it looks like. Today, my body is about to take me on a short hike, before a presentation in NC tonight.

Here are some articles that might help with negative body image:

A Thigh of Relief (excerpt from Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life: https://jennischaefer.com/wp-content/...

You Can't Hate Yourself Thin: https://jennischaefer.com/blog/eating...

Fat Talk, Body Image, and Eating Disorders: https://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com/...

Excellent books are:





I hope this helps! Hang in there. This, too, gets better.

Hi everyone, I couldn't find an appropriate section to post this so will put it here. I read about a drug called Vyvase, which has been FDA approved to treat binge eating , as alternative to Topamax and the side effects sound not as bad but still apparently insomnia. Vyvase is a drug used to treat ADHD. It seems to have had good success in reducing the binges in clinical trials. I know this is not the solution but something temporary to break the habit. Just wondering if anyone has had experience with it and if so what side effects? I'm not good with drugs usually but am desperate right now. Don't have a job and I;m somewhat restricted by Ed. I think if the drug could get me on the straight and narrow so that I could get a job and get my confidence back. Sara

Already tried and my doc hasn't heard of it. Very backward here. I don't have a psychiatrist. I would probably need to get a referral to a neurologist - they would be the only ones prescribing it but may not have any experience with using it for ED. In fact unlikely.

Thanks Melody! :)

Sara, have you tried the topamax? Its an anti seizure med that also helps with nerve pain. it has a stimulant side effect that can help with appetite and urges to binge. my background is a) I've been an rn since 1994 b) my mom has nerve pain and was on it c) i have pain and take a similar med. Topamax and especially its generic will be cheaper than a newer med like Vyvase and it sounds like this is important to you. Its also been around for decades so long term side effects are known. Your dr may feel more comfy prescribing this than Vyvase. Just my take on this issue.

Thanks so much for your reply Michelle. I knew about Topamax but several people on this site have said the side effects were awful and can lead to serious neurological issues.
I don't really want to control appetite, as its natural and healthy to feel hungry. Its the urge to stuff myself with chocolate rather than a balanced healthy meal and the urge is not usually a physical hunger issue. I think those drugs always create insomnia too and sleep is really important for me.
Did you get side effects on Topamax. Jenni saidshe took it and no side effects so maybe I should try it, but maybe my issues are different as I don't have a problem eating a satisfying healthy meal . Tiredness is my biggest trigger so thats why I'm nervous to take anything that disturbs sleep and I am aways sensitive to CNS stimulants, even SSRI's I can't tolerate for that reason.

I too am pretty tired despite sleeping good. Depression is high though. Dr changed me from Seroquel to Abilify. Now I have trouble sleeping and feel stimulated during day. I don’t have bipolar which the Vay med is for. I take gabapentin for pain- topamax is in same category. I also have had anorexia over 32 years

I will repeat the affirmation "I'm ok, I'm good enough." I will write down my harsh perfectionist thoughts when they have them and will choose to let them go after I write them.

Michelle wrote: "I too am pretty tired despite sleeping good. Depression is high though. Dr changed me from Seroquel to Abilify. Now I have trouble sleeping and feel stimulated during day. I don’t have bipolar whic..."

I understand that. Depression is tiring and draining. I am on a good run right now , feeling good and positive and not so tired , bu still having trouble sleeping so therefore relcant to take meds.

I have had bulimia for 34 years! We are a good (or not so good!) pair. But we will get there!!! Stay strong Michelle. xx

Recently, my mom has been randomly making weight loss comments to me (again) and comments about "bad" foods. I have found myself getting frustrated and angry with her, and each time she has made one of these comments we end the conversation in an argument. Ed feeds off of these comments and the arguments with my mom.
My new different decision is to not comment back, when my mom makes one of these comments. I'm never going to be able to make her happy when it comes to my weight, so it's time to stop reacting to her comments and work on accepting things as they are with her.

Brooke wrote: "I will repeat the affirmation "I'm ok, I'm good enough." I will write down my harsh perfectionist thoughts when they have them and will choose to let them go after I write them."

Great different decision, Brooke!! 😊 I love your affirmation. Have you felt a difference yet?

Heidi, I think that’s s mature decision that someone in recovery would make. Sometimes avoiding mom’s completely isn’t possible so shutting down the topic is the next best thing. I haven’t seen mine in 2.5 years yet she can still affect me from thousands of miles away! Prayin 🙏🏻

Sara so sorry you’ve been bulimic over 3 decades! That is another draining ed. I was best off disorder wise when I had compulsive exercise with ANA. When my feet went south I hit exercising and now have zero energy. I’ve been eating more but feel I have a tire around my middle. Ugh! I’m adopting “I’m alright, I’m good enough” or similar. Thanks for posting

* quit not hit exercising

Michelle wrote: "Heidi, I think that’s s mature decision that someone in recovery would make. Sometimes avoiding mom’s completely isn’t possible so shutting down the topic is the next best thing. I haven’t seen min..."

Thank you, MIchelle. I was able to cut most of the ties with my dad - I still see him at family get-togethers, but that's pretty much it. My mom, I never was able to cut ties with. I was just talking about this in therapy today. I've gotten better with some things she says or does, but recently when she began talking to me about food stuff and stuff that gets Ed responding, I've been falling into that trap of reacting instead of responding in a more appropriate way for both her and myself. So, it is time to make a different decision.

Michelle wrote: "* quit not hit exercising"

Hi Michelle, was it running that ruined your feet? There are other good forms of exercise . Brisk walking, cross trainer (low impact) t gym , pilates, yoga -the latter 2 good for firming the core and stomach. Exercise is important to maintain happy mood too. x

Oh you poor thing. You definitley need to rest. I didn't realise you have an injury. Take the opportunity o read books you enjoy. I also find i very relaxing to lie close to a wall with legs up the wall. It helps drain the swelling and is soooo relaxing,x

Melody wrote: "Today, my decision has been to follow my physical therapist's orders to rest. I injured myself running about 2 months ago and pushed through the pain--not my finest moment. I am realizing that whil..."

So sorry to hear about the injury, Melody. I am glad to hear you are doing self care right now. Great job!! I, too, push through injuries a lot. My therapist usually has to get on my case before I take care of myself.

On either the inspiration or encouragement discussion board we had a few long lists of coping skills, if you want to try to find those, you might find some that help.

Otherwise some coping skills that might help right now are:
Reading
Writing
Coloring or other art
Watch a movie/TV
Listen to music (which you said you're doing)
Listen to Podcasts (my therapist recommended the following ED podcasts for me: The Eating Disorder Recovery Podcast with Dr. Janean Anderson, Eating Disorder Recovery Podcast with Tabitha Farrar, and Food Psych Podcast with Christy Harrison)
Call or chat with the NEDA helpline (https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.o...)
Text NEDA to Crisis Text Line at 741741
Reach out to a friend you haven't talked to in a while
Make some cards to send to friends
Make cards of encouragement for people who are suffering from an illness (take to a local hospital, children's hospital, mental/behavioral hospital; or contact an ED recovery place and ask if you could make cards for their residents and how you can get the cards to them)
Use natural oils
Smell your favorite scent
Hug a stuffed animal
Play a computer game
Play a card game
If you don't have it, you could order the book The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook by McKay, Wood and Brantley, DBT skills are a form of coping skills
Keep reaching out here too, of course. 😊

You've got this Melody!!

Sara I have psoriatic arthritis with bilateral chronic plantar fasciitis. Anything exertion wise low body will rev it up. Even bicycling. The tendon in the foot connects to calf and thigh. I’m on immunosuppressant medication for it and will need hand surgery this Tuesday because it allows tumors to grow.

Heidi I am using the ideas u posted. Can’t write or do art but many I can do.

Michelle wrote: "Sara I have psoriatic arthritis with bilateral chronic plantar fasciitis. Anything exertion wise low body will rev it up. Even bicycling. The tendon in the foot connects to calf and thigh. I’m on i..."

Oh no. Maybe its not caused by running if its auto immune. Over exerting ie stress triggers auto-immune disease though.

Hi Michelle and Melody,

I hope you both have found some coping skills that help.

Thank you, Heidi

You’re right Sara, need to keep stress response down which is foreign to me. Heidi and Melody- hope you’re doing well

Michelle wrote: "You’re right Sara, need to keep stress response down which is foreign to me. Heidi and Melody- hope you’re doing well"

For the most part I've been doing pretty well lately. Today, I struggled with some negative thoughts and negative body image, but overall it was a good day.

Today I am going to write a new emergency plan for times when I want to B/P.

I am going to make a commitment for the next 4 days (Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday), I will do my best to follow my meal plan. I will not listen to Ed if he tries to tell me "it's just one …" exchange, snack, meal, day. These next 4 days will not be Ed's days, but my days.