Amazon exiles discussion
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Carry On up the Amazon
Gently lowering himself into the dugout canoe ...
He quickly realised he was sitting on something soft and quivering....
"Oi gerroff!" shouted a muffled voice. It came from ...
..the depths of the dugout. Quickly he drew his trusty..
...shouted 'MY NAME IS BARRY SCOTT! COME OUT AT ONCE OR I'LL' .....
KEEP ON SHOUTING AT THE TOP OF MY VOICE!'"How can I come out if you're bliddy sitting on me?" was the indignant reply. "Why don't you ...
... perfectly respectable pack-mule wot I won in a competition."Nevertheless , Barry shifted enough to allow the other speaker to emerge.
"Who the F are you?", said the diminutive figure, "and what the F are you doing in my canoe?"
Barry saw that he was conversing with ...
...Desmond Tutu who was trying to retrieve his mitre....
from where it was stuck, way up in ...
come out on Oscar night to humblebrag and congratulate each other that they are extraordinary, unlike
...Desmond Tutu, who is naturally shy and retiring, and just wants his mitre and his canoe back. He could see that his only option was...
to pray to the Lord."Dear Lord, When the missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. It looks like the same is about to happen with my mitre and my canoe. What do you suggest O Lord?"
At that moment, the clouds parted and there was light everywhere. A loud voice cried,
"Desmond Tutu, your destiny is clear - you must ...
.....send Barry to his Maker and bugger off with your mitre and canoe to.......
the nearest Travelodge. There you will find ...
... within a drawer, a book. It will contain further instructions...Uh excuse me I have to attend to something. We can catch up later."Barry turned to Desmond, "Please don't send me to my maker. I know I am an android but my parts are in perfect working order and I'm not due a service for another couple of years."
"Alright", said Desmond huffily, "but ..
...we need to have some rules in this canoe. For instance, I was here first, so I should be the captain, it's only.....
24 hours to Tulsa and I'm the one with the map.""Go ahead," replied Barry, "but I'm bringing my mule."
"Oh all right", said Desmond, "but you're responsible for ...
....picking up after it. It's a bit crowded in here what with the two of us, your mule and your bottle of Cillit Bang, not to mention my mighty mitre". "We'll be fine" responded Barry airily, " I have a lot of experience of"....
cleaning up mule sh*t. After all, what do you think the Cillit Bang is for?""In any case ...
....sighed Desmond, "where are we headed, the upper reaches of the Amazon, or the nearest Travelodge or Tulsa? Time to make up our...."
wherever we're going."It was at this point that the mule started looking nervous but Barry patted him reassuringly on the flanks. "Don't worry old fella, it hasn't come to that yet."
The two humans went ashore and picked berries, together with a convenient bread-like fruit that was ideal for making sandwiches, whilst the mule munched contentedly on the local vegetation. Then having filled their lunch-boxes they loaded up the dugout and set out paddling towards ...
the Promised Land that flowed with milk and honey, which they needed to make the dried-up bread-like fruit palatable on the many miles they had to
travel in order to reach the Promised Land Holiday Park and the nearby Travelodge where they could rest their weary bones and find the mysterious book in a drawer."I didn't realise there were holiday parks or Travelodges on the Amazon", said Barry.
"Oh yes ...
.......Amazon has everything anyone could want except....
....sometimes it doesn't" came a quiet voice from the bank of the mighty river. " You really can't depend on it, it can let you down quite badly. Don't trust it." Barry and Desmond peered into the thick vegetation lining the bank, and suddenly Desmond exclaimed....
"Good heavens - it's Wonder-Woman!""Yes indeed", rejoined the quiet-voiced speaker, stepping into view, "But my true title is Diana, princess of the Amazons. You may call me Diana."
Quickly Barry sprayed some Cillit Bang under his armpits and ran his fingers through his ...
..book of failsafe chat -up lines."IS IT TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT LADIES OF THE AMAZON?" he boomed romantically, trying to count her breasts without being noticed. Diana cast him a look which could only be..
described as 'indescribable.'She tilted her head to one side, "My but you're a ...
.....bit of a throwback, aren't you? Never mind, beggars can't be choosers - I need to head upriver to the Travelodge. Any chance of a lift?" Barry , Desmond and the mule all....
... nodded enthusiastically and budged up.Elegantly the lithe-limbed Diana stepped into the canoe and ...
leapt to their feet in their eagerness to usher the beauteous Diana aboard, failing to realise the instability of their craft, which rocked and rolled violently, precipitating
....grabbed the oars. "Allow me, boys" she purred. "I know this river like I know the back of....
...beyond.""Wonder-Woman - sorry, I mean Diana", said Desmond, "Is it possible to do anything about the terrible time-lag we seem to be experiencing on this trip?"
"I'm sorry"she replied ...
Lez wrote: "(Stupid timelag, ggrrr!)"(Ain't that the truth...)
....." Here on the Amazon we have learned some of the secrets of time travel, but unfortunately we only know how to stop it and start it again. We still need to do the actual travelling bit. Why do you ask? Is it a......
...matter of life or death?""NO" shouted Barry, "BUT IT'S A BLIDDY NUISANCE!"
So saying he ...
took a risk and posted again, heading towards the
...middle of the river."Keep an eye out for the ...
crocodiles on the sandbanks, they're usually really fast but with any luck the time-lag will
cause a warp in the spatio-temporal vortex, thus reversing the polarity of the dilithium crystal modulator. In other words ...
...I haven't got a clue what I'm doing. I think we're galloping up Diarrhoea Drive without a...
service station within a hundred miles and the horse has cast a
leery eye on that floating log that appears to be getting nearer by the minute.""Have no fear" said Diana, princess of the Amazons "I am possessed of a mighty weapon that was passed on to me by my mother, Queen of the Amazons", and with that she drew ...
the outline of a portal to a parallel universe in front of the boat and the whole crew piled through in great haste. Unfortunately they'd failed to notice
... just shove it into his mouth! The river monster said, Yum! What is this creamy, yet ancient lusciousness? Diana said, It's an old family recipe we call, The Twinkie.
Well, said Desmond and Barry, that's just...
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3. End your contribution with an ellipsis in such a way as to encourage the next thought, e.g.
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"Hesitantly she crept forward. Suddenly ..."
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"Meanwhile ..."