Our Shared Shelf discussion

I thought it might good to break down a discussion about the book into the designated parts it is presented in (Runaway, Street of Miracles, Girl Gang, Forgiveness, Escape).

Please note thread will contain spoilers.


I personally loved learning about her existence as a child and how she was determined to go and be the person she wanted to be, rather than the model university student that her parents tried to force upon her.

Learning about her discovering her feelings and sexual exploration through the use of metaphors such as "Bees" and "Ghost Friend" really endeared me to the story. To me, describing them in this way made me think a little more about how she was really feeling inside.

What did you take from the first few chapters of the book?

I loved the contrasting cities-Gloom and the City of Smoke and Lights (Vancouver and Toronto or maybe Montreal?) and the move away from home. If those are correct, then be aware that the bus trip would be 4 days long!

The struggle to form her own identity apart from what her parents wanted and hoped for her is one that many of us go through in one form or another, and one that for parents can be almost as hard. This is compounded for her by the high expectations on her as the son, and the multiple ways in which her desires differ from those of her parents. We also see that her father did prepare her in some ways to look after herself!

There is a beautiful illustration of a truly consensual sexual experience with Ghost Friend, unfortunately contrasted by the threatening fellow passenger on the bus in the next chapter.

Finally, her lovely letter to her little sister, in which she sugar-coats the truth a little, or does she?

First, thanks for this topic.

I am alsmot sure there are many things I did not get in those chapters since there are so many metaphors. On the other hands I like those subtle ways because it forced me to think a lot in attempt to understand. As I was reading again the first part in the train yesterday (because I saw this thread and I wanted to refresh) I understood a few more things.

For example, I'm not quite sure of the meanings in the chapter regarding mermaid. To me, this story is the first trigger in the author's life that tells her to find herself. I feel the mermaids are the mirror of Thom that tell her "enough! Time to live/leave". Still I'm not sure of the meaning in this chapter. Anyone understood it similarly or differently?

The Friend Ghost, sort of remind me of Rupi Kaur's writing or even Caitlin Moran's book because it talks about sexual exploration and therefore a taboo topic: Masturbation. Maybe that's why it's call the "👻" (interesting comparison). The thing that caught my attention was the fact Thom dissociate her self from her and I'm assuming that the ghost may refer to an unknown part of her self. Not quite sure of that though.

I must admit I loved how she wanted to not fit in but the first chapters are sometimes oppressing. It feels like she is not allowed to fully be herself. I felt it like a huge amount of energy but a caged one and then she decides to remove those shackles.

Thank you for this thread Jo. I actually have gone back to re-read because I knew I was forgetting some things! I was curious about the mermaids too. They reminded me so much of beached humpback whales, I began to wonder if Thom was not telling the reader: Look at how two people looking at the exact same thing can see two different things and that does mean either is wrong. But also that despite the magical realism and fantasy of this novel maybe there is a bit of truth in it as well? Perhaps like how the best lies always stick as close to the truth as possible. I mean we already know our narrator is a notorious liar.

Florian, I could also definitely see them saying "Leave, enough is enough, get on with your life, you can't stay here trying to save something that won't be saved"?

I felt like the bees and her silver knife always made me think of self-harm and how she deliberately hurts herself. But the knife also comes into play when she needs to protect herself. So it both hurts and helps her. I'd curious to hear anyone's interpretation on these recurring themes. But also as Florian pointed out there is this trapped kinetic energy, the result of oppression, that is simmering beneath the surface.

The ghost friend was very interesting; almost this piece of yourself or a safety blanket you hold onto. It's interesting that the ghost friend comes into play with her sexuality; I have been reading other trans literature to help me because I acknowledge my ignorance, and I has me wondering if this was just a safe way to explore sexuality given the danger some tans women and men face in a cis and binary-focused world, especially because after we learn about the ghost friend we jump right into the chapter of How to Kill a Man with Your Bare Hands.

I saw her sister Charity as sometimes representative of her loss of innocence, and it was telling to me she had to leave behind her and that innocence because it was too dangerous where she was headed.
But also as her sister she might have wanted to gloss over the bad parts of her life so she would not worry?

Oh! Yes, I forgot about the knife. Vern, actually I got a similar feeling regarding this silver knife. It's like something "bad" in her she uses to fight. I interpreted this knife as the "dark" part of her self, the thing she unleashes to protect herself or maybe that unleashes itself.

I don't remember if she talks about a real knife except in her poems. I don't want to talk too much about it this since the knife follows us along the book and right now we are talking about the first part. However, this knife seems to evolve through the pages. To me, it's more than a knife. Ok maybe I'm looking for metaphors and meanings where there is no such things, I guess there is some kind of magic in there!

I must admit I'm having a ball reading again those chapters and parts :D

Vern wrote: "Florian, I could also definitely see them saying "Leave, enough is enough, get on with your life, you can't stay here trying to save something that won't be saved"?."

I also thought of whales in the beached mermaids, and I like this interpretation-that they are urging her to move on and not try to save something that is is not real/can't be saved (her parents/society's view of herself?)

Which "runaway" book is this the discussion for? Author?

TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm

Vern wrote: "I felt like the bees and her silver knife always made me think of self-harm and how she deliberately hurts herself. But the knife also comes into play when she needs to protect herself. So it both hurts and helps her. ..."

Isn't that the way of self harm?

As in, people do not complete acts of self harm against themselves unless they feel they need it.

In Hunger I though Gay did a beautiful job of describing eating as her own two sided knife. It helped make her feel good (the endorphins released) and it also made her insides match her outside. Made her feel safe in a way that being skinny never could ever feel safe again. The hard part about this sort of crutch is knowing that it is actually harming you in the long run.

Cutting with a knife is the same. you finally have physical scars that match the mental ones no one could see. People respond when you bleed. But you can't get the same endorphin rush with the same old cuts. And people start paying too much attention about the wrong items. They worry about the cutting; and not the reason behind it.

Pam is in the place! Yeah! 😋

The comparison with Hunger is actually quite good. I feel you are getting a good point. Actually it makes me think that people use different self harm tools and it tells you (a bit? A lot?) about who they are. In Fierce femmes, the knife looks is accurate or even surgical it may cut and sting. Then Thom uses another metaphor, the bees which is somehow related (in my mind) to something that stings as well. Some people are more brutal, raw strength other have poison heavy one or vicious one. All along the first part we see how the character is sharp and precise so I believe that's why bees and a knife are used.

So technically people may be caught by blood or the consequence but the tool used seems to tell a lot.

Hi, thanks for this discussion. This is my 2nd time reading along with this group but my first time participating in a discussion here. I finished part 1 last night and I was struggling to understand all the metaphors so the first thing I did this morning is I read all the posts in this thread. The bees metaphor was very vivid and powerful for me. She says some of the bees entered her and remained inside her body. I also thought she said something about the bees coming out whenever she makes a cut in her body. I am still trying to understand all of this and need to reread part 1 again but wondering if anyone caught this? How did you interpret it?

Regarding the knife, I thought I read a sentence where she mentions having three scars on her left wrist. I thought may be she tried to kill herself or atleast hurt herself? The mermaids telling her that it’s enough and that it’s time to leave also is quite powerful. I didn’t really know what I was getting into when I picked up this book, except that I would educate myself about transgender people (I work someone who recently went through the surgery). But after reading part 1 in one sitting last night, I understand now that this small book will need effort from me just to make sense out of all the powerful metaphors. This actually makes it a good book for a buddy read. I think I will go back and reread part 1 again with all the discussion on this thread on my mind. Thanks again!

Kavitha wrote: "I also thought she said something about the bees coming out whenever she makes a cut in her body. I am still trying to understand all of this and need to reread part 1 again but wondering if anyone caught this? How did you interpret it?

First, welcome in the thread, I'm glad you jumped into it to share and understand. Second, the meanings are quite enigmatic to me and I agree it require efforts in attempt to get them, and still when we believe we understood we realize we may need to reassess our thoughts. To me that's one of the beauty of this book!

As for the bees, to be fully honest I did not elucidate the meaning. I just know and felt they were intrusive. This first part talks about sexuality and an assault the character overcame. I read the thread about the bee metaphor and some members assumed the bees are related to an assault.
I just read again the first chapter about the bee. At one point she says " wait. Sorry. That's not what happened. Here is what happened:" then she describes how the bees went in her body. It's difficult to follow. I tend to believe the first place she described may not be a lie and that whenever she said bees and me made peace could be forgiving something she is actually not guilty of. In the two story she uses forgive me the bees may be the consequence of what happened. Pam talked about scars and refers to the knife. Potentially bees are scars too, "they will always be there" , I believe they act as memories and through that events those scars made the characters stronger.

I am aware some people may believe what I'm going to say is daring " when one experienced tough (maybe horrible) situations it obviously generate scars. Then it's up to us (through a long journey) to forgive ourselves for something we are not guilty of or that we appeased (because forgiven by other). At that point the scars aren't weakness anymore, they may hurt you but they are memories that define you and make you stronger." That's how I understand and take the bees meaning and metaphor but I am probably biased 😉

Florian wrote: "Kavitha wrote: "I also thought she said something about the bees coming out whenever she makes a cut in her body. I am still trying to understand all of this and need to reread part 1 again but won..."

Thank you for sharing your insights. I love what you said in your last paragraph. It makes a lot of sense to me. I carry some scars of my own and appreciate your take on this. Its also good to know that there are others out there who are struggling to interpret the metaphors in this book. I have decided that I need to read this book slowly in order to absorb the content to the best of my abilities. To that effect, I am going to finish rereading part 1 and then read the bees metaphor discussion thread.

These are all such amazing insights and interpretations! It’s interesting to me… as a former self-harmer, I never even considered that the knife could be a metaphor and took it quite literally. I’ve found that cutting is rarely discussed and often difficult to explain. Reading all the “songs to the pocketknives” throughout the book was the first time I felt like I was seeing what I had actually experienced expressed clearly through words. I wish I could carry those poems around with me wherever I go so that when someone asks me about my scars I can hand the poems to them and simply say “this.”

Part of the reason I cut was because I had experienced sexual trauma. I often felt like my skin was foreign to me, like it had betrayed me, and like I had to “get something out if it” in order to be clean so it wouldn’t happen again. I frequently felt like my skin was “crawling” or “buzzing”, and like cutting was the only way to get it to stop. Kai Cheng Thom’s descriptions of the bees entering her body and her pocketknife releasing them were SO spot on to what I had experienced that I honestly never considered anything else they could be other than a really fantastic metaphor for sexual trauma and a description of self-harm. I know that’s projecting my own experience onto this quite a bit though which isn’t really fair, haha, so I’m enjoying reading all these other interpretations. They’ve opened my mind quite a bit to other meanings of the book and a lot of the depth within it that I'm missing. They made me realize I need to go back to some of these things and read them over with an open mind. There is so much left to explore!

Also, sorry if this is too much to share. I’m new here, but thought this might be relevant?

Thank you for sharing Tara. I'm glad Thom's work spoke to you and gave you words to describe your feelings.

Hugs

Tara, thanks for your comments, that's a really helpful insight.

I had wondered whether the bees might represent, for the author, a feeling of not being well in her body, of not fitting her body, and perhaps people can come to feel this way for a whole variety of reasons. (I think the french have an expression which translates something like "I feel well (don't feel well) in my skin" ). I also thought she spoke of using the knife to let the bees out as a metaphor for cutting, for that temporary release that you're speaking of.

I do enjoy how poetically Thom speaks of these difficult topics.

Hello there!

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Tara. What you shared is (in my opinion) not too much, and maybe some people who read your comment or will read it will feel less alone. What you wrote is definitely relevant and I'm glad (just like many other people) that you wrote them! I agree there is so much left to explore or explore again! That's another form of beauty! 😊

Frances, the expression is "Se sentir bien dans sa peau." I must admit when I read the first chapters it was one of the sentence I had in mind (I was born French, now just like my Friends my "nationality" is International!).

With those interpretation it also makes sense she used the knife to remove "poison", just like in the middle age. "Physicians" were performing bleeding to "cure" by removing "bad blood" (if I'm not wrong). So maybe you are right, but I'm not sure if those metaphors are related to "bleeding" middle age stuff.

Ps: I'm saying middle age but to be honest I don't know if it's still performed or if it was performed before (just digging into my memories of old courses lol).

Tara wrote: "These are all such amazing insights and interpretations! It’s interesting to me… as a former self-harmer, I never even considered that the knife could be a metaphor and took it quite literally. I’v..."

Hi Tara, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I don't think its too much. By sharing your own story you've made it possible for others who may have suffered from similar kind of trauma feel less alone. I agree, there is so much depth to this book. Its good to read the various thoughts and perspectives. It allows me to absorb this book more deeply.

Personally I found the first two parts probably the most powerful and thought-provoking sections of the book- I enjoyed the magical realism aspects and was moved and impressed by the author’s use of Ghost friend and the bees metaphor and all that it alluded to. Thanks for starting these threads - it helped me gather thoughts about this book.