Goodreads Sci-Fi/Fantasy Authors discussion

I am new to this site and I was just wondering if anyone would like to review the first scene of my book. I just posted it in the story section, but I think it just got lost in the shuffle.

Anyway, here is the link to anyone who might be interested and thank you for reading and giving feedback.

https://www.goodreads.com/story/show/...

Okay, I glanced at it for a few minutes. Overall story: probably good for today's market. I can't opine on that aspect much, as I don't follow new releases that closely. I trust you are in the right ballpark with your story idea, and leave it at that.

The writing itself: I'll give you my first impressions.

Your vocabulary is up to the type of story you're writing; so that's good.

Your punctuation, grammar, and sentence structure are all fine. Relieved to see this.

Cons (first scene):
It may be just the webpage medium which I'm viewing it in but I found it just a little 'slow going'. Maybe its me (my jaded tastes) but 'longish paragraphs' with meticulous descriptions make it treacly, somewhat sluggish reading.

From what I can see: the descriptions also, are of things which I perhaps do not need to really 'be told about' (or perhaps not-told-about from the calm, placid, 3rd-person narrator's point-of-view). For example: grass, birdcalls, trees, hair color. I'd rather be shoved along at a more chaotic, exciting pace. You don't want to over-describe, or give the reader a 'travelogue'.

Characters: I can't really see much about them as yet, to make any comment.


Dialog: I find our contemporary dialog 'projected without change, into the far future' a little underwhelming. Utterances like "Hey!" and "What was that thing?" seem 'too familiar' to the ear. Perhaps come up with some new slang or some other eye-catching dialog. Create intrigue in this area.

Tip: conversation should occur only when necessary. Use it when one character possesses-some-piece-of-info which another character really has a need to be apprised of. Speaking is effort, strangers tend not to speak to each other unless compelled to do so. On the other hand, friends speak chattily to each other, and this kind of speech is good because it reveals character. But the golden rule is 'always make every dialog scene push your hero along towards his goal'.


Emotion:

The protagonist wakes with mild amnesia. But his emotions do not quite match his predicament. He should be groggy, tongue thick, wild-eyed, bewildered, alarmed, perplexed. He seems to take quite a lot 'in stride'. He adjusts *very* quickly to a lot of bizarre phenomenon going on all around him.

A quick succession of events happen: a hot girl, some kind of aggressive creature-beast; a chase, a killing. But its all told in the same steady, patient, unruffled tone-of-voice.


Pacing:

There's nothing specifically wrong with your writing. But there is 'general advice' I would offer you: basically a different style is needed to tell this kind of tale. Make it staccatto, even telegram-like. Be economical with words; choosing more vivid words to pull the reader in. Impart some more intensity to the reader. Some breathlessness.

'Speed it up a bit' (not too much, for that is another common pitfall) by alternating short-bursts of imagery with multi-sentence, more intricate passages.

*Use intricate description only for things which need it*, such as a bizarre and unfamiliar beast which confounds and bewilders the protagonist by its very appearance.

Tip: Remember that the length of your descriptions indicate the length with which your character is studying something. A character 'stops' to examine something strange: that is where you bring in your descriptors. When he sets off again (walking, etc) you should write tersely and briskly about his actions, and cease any descriptors of things like sunlight or trees.

Characters should largely be 'uncomprehending' as to what they're perceiving around them. Don't 'reveal too much'. You are writing them as if they're 'immediately omniscient' and they are not. They shouldn't 'realize things' as instantly as you, (the author) do. Give them 'lag' between the time they see something and the moment that they (later) understand what they see. Make them question themselves.

All this will get the story going. Right now it feels as if there's no genuine mystery or discovery to be made. An alien pops into view and it is swiftly understood to be 'an alien'. Everything is being fitted-into-place too neatly.

Good luck, hope this helps.

Thanks for the feedback. Oddly enough, I posted the original draft of this scene (which was much quicker paced) on another site and someone told me there wasn't enough description. They wanted to know what the environment was like and what the characters look like. Maybe that is just a preference?
But I definitely know what you mean about their emotions and seeming omniscient. Some of the characters I've had trouble connecting with. I'll have to work on that and try again. Thanks for your help.

Nevermind some internet chuzzlewit. Trust me rather than whoever else reviewed for you. Seriously.

As an example of what I'm referring to--I can cite you a SF title that employed the techniques I'm suggesting to you--and it made itself into a modern classic.

John Steakley's 'Armor'. People still remember this work (it was a sleeper) when 90% of the other titles in its year were forgotten. In fact, it was the best work of its genre (SF) in probably 5 years. Low-budget, huge yield. Its one of the few modern-era successes in the SF category, while at the same time still being a small-scale, small-concept, quiet, standalone work.

Remember that literacy, attention-span, and competence has massively eroded in today's readers, and you are competing with the internet, cable tv, Youtube, and everything else. Books which 'grab the reader' are the only ones which will win loyal fans.

For example, if a girl enters an action-filled scene, the male character should not immediately register how 'hot' she is. Don't waste time describing her sexual charms. That's not how the male mind works. Initially, everything is just a flash, an impression. Fleeting. A guy suddenly finding himself in unfamiliar surroundings--plucked out of his daily routine--set down into some strange landscape or situation--he registers everything with suspicion and wariness and uncertainty. He mistrusts everything. His thoughts are rapid, ephemeral. He won't immediately accept anything he sees. You need to capture that mode.

Okay. I have quite a few ideas swirling around on how to improve this now. Thank you. :)