Indie Book Collective discussion

I've been writing a blurb for my pulp/noir novel, and I need help and feedback. Do you think this blurb is too long? Is its style appropriate? Does it draw you in? Or is it dull and ineffective?
I'm open to any suggestions or comments. Thank you!

"Craig has little to be happy about in his life. He is a third-rate journalist who doesn't get any satisfaction from his job, and a grumpy middle-aged man whose marriage has fallen apart.

However, one day in mid-October, Craig witnesses an unexpected crime. This is the chance of a lifetime and he makes up his mind, but what he thinks is a great idea maybe is not. Will he ever manage to turn into the top-notch reporter he would like to be?

In the gloomy atmosphere of Capital City's rainy streets, this novel shadows Craig's attempts to find a way out of the mess he has got into, and his struggle to cope with his midlife crisis."

I don't think it's too long and yes, I think it's got a draw. Here are a few suggested tweaks:

Your second sentence can be tightened a bit as can the first sentence in the second paragraph.

I'm not big on rhetorical questions, so I'd change that to a statement that is his story goal and move it to the first paragraph.

I'd also reword the last sentence to take out the filtering, so it keeps us in Craig's story. Also, I think you need to be more specific than an unexpected crime. What is it about this crime that makes it possible for him to turn his career around? Can you be more specific without giving it away? Is mid-October relevant to the crime in any way? If so, state why. If not, dump it.

Just some suggested rewrites. Feel free to disregard.

"Craig has little to be happy about in his life. He's a third-rate journalist with no job satisfaction. In the throes of middle age and a failed marriage, he focuses on becoming the top-notch reporter he dreamed of in his youth.

When Craig witnesses an unexpected crime (this needs to be stronger), it could be the (career?) opportunity of a lifetime. But what he thinks is a great idea, might not be so great after all.

In the gloomy rainy streets of Capital City, Craig struggles (or something stronger than attempts - fights, battles, etc.) to dig his way out of the mess he's created while simultaneously coping with the remnants of his devolving life (midlife crisis is kind of cliche)."

Anyway, something like that.

T.H. wrote: "I don't think it's too long and yes, I think it's got a draw. Here are a few suggested tweaks:

Your second sentence can be tightened a bit as can the first sentence in the second paragraph.

I'm ..."

Thanks a lot. Your suggestions are really helpful.

I agree with those suggestions. I'm dead tired, which makes me a good test audience, and I kind of wandered off during the first one. TH's revision actually penetrated my brain fog, so I give it a plus!

Right there with Rebecca. I find it difficult to construct blurbs because I've just finished the book, I'm in the mindset of creating mood and setting scenes, and that isn't what the blurb is for. Imagine yourself in a bookstore. Thousands of books surround you, and you can probably only buy one right now. This is no time for subtlety, filtering, passive voice, or any of those novel-writing techniques. You have ten seconds or less to grab a perspective reader by the throat and yank him into a story that he is unable to leave that store without. Tension and immediacy are paramount to create a question that your reader must have answered.

I know, this says nothing about this exact blurb, but instead attempts to provide some information that you can use from now on. You tease and seduce in the opening scene. The blurb is where you set the hook. Be sure it's tight and sharp and has a big ol' barb in there!

Rebecca wrote: "I agree with those suggestions. I'm dead tired, which makes me a good test audience, and I kind of wandered off during the first one. TH's revision actually penetrated my brain fog, so I give it a ..."

That's exactly the kind of feedback I needed. Very useful. Thanks, Rebecca.

Jack wrote: "Right there with Rebecca. I find it difficult to construct blurbs because I've just finished the book, I'm in the mindset of creating mood and setting scenes, and that isn't what the blurb is for. ..."

Thanks a lot, Bob. You're right: ten seconds or less!...

T.H. wrote: "I don't think it's too long and yes, I think it's got a draw. Here are a few suggested tweaks:

Your second sentence can be tightened a bit as can the first sentence in the second paragraph.

I'm ..."

As a late follow-up, here's what I've come up with:

"Craig has little to be happy about in his life. He’s a third-rate journalist with no job satisfaction. In the throes of middle age and a failed marriage, he struggles to kick his life back on track.

When Craig witnesses a hit-and-run murder, he thinks it’s the career opportunity of his lifetime. But what he decides to do is not such a good idea after all.

In the gloomy rainy streets of Capital City, Craig fights to dig his way out of the mess he’s created, while at the same time he strives to cope with the remnants of his devolving life."

Any suggestions or comments welcome. Thank you!

This is better, but I think your middle paragraph needs some work:

When Craig witnesses a murder (not sure the type is necessary at this point) he views it as a career opportunity of a lifetime, and puts a plan into action to capitalize on it. But when x, y and z (give us a few hints as to why), he realizes it might not have been such a great idea after all.

Something like that. It needs wordsmithing, but basically, leave the type of murder vague at this point. You might even say he witnesses a heinous crime rather than murder. What you're trying to do with that paragraph is tell us he witnesses something that he sees as a chance to turn his life around, but it might not actually be all that and a bag of chips after all.

T.H. wrote: "This is better, but I think your middle paragraph needs some work:

When Craig witnesses a murder (not sure the type is necessary at this point) he views it as a career opportunity of a lifetime, a..."

Thanks a lot. I've changed my mind about paragraph 2. I think I'd better focus on Craig's investigation instead of his hasty decision:

When Craig witnesses a brutal crime, he views it as a career opportunity, and he dives headlong into a reckless investigation. He soon ends up in the middle of a nasty business where nothing is safe.

In the gloomy rainy streets of Capital City, Craig’s fights to dig his way out, while at the same time he strives to cope with the remnants of his devolving life.

Yeah, I think that's better. It tells us what the stakes are, but is vague enough to entice us to read it.

The only changes I'd make are to remove the comma after opportunity and the second he, so it's

...crime, he views it as a career opportunity and dives headlong...

and to make "nasty business" a little more specific. In the middle of what? An actual business that is cutthroat, or trouble like he never imagined?

Other than that, I really like it.

T.H. wrote: "Yeah, I think that's better. It tells us what the stakes are, but is vague enough to entice us to read it.

The only changes I'd make are to remove the comma after opportunity and the second he, so..."

Thanks again, TH. You really helped me out. BTW, business is trouble.