it's personal discussion

Hello, I'm Icha, or Fay, depending on where you'd know me from but if you're reading this, it means that you've known me from the internet and not real life. the reason i'm writing this and sharing it here with you, is because it means that you've witnessed, or worse, you're one of the people that i've personally hurt these past few months in particular. i have said many many things that i deeply regret, and i'd say i've been feeling guilty the moment i posted each one of them hence why i kept posting and deleting post/stories/comments just hours after i posted them, but obviously it didn't mean shite since i kept relentlessly posting and posting mean shite on the internet anyway, with the illusion that they're jokes, when in reality i did fully aware these are not okay and i posted them with the intention to make you uncomfortable. it is not okay and it's a fucked up thing to do and i am very very sorry that i do that. there is absolutely no excuse of my wrongdoings and i'm not gonna try to make you forgive me, im just trying to give you the full picture of what's been going on.

first of all, i am not very open on the internet. i am that kind of person who says much but tells so little kind of person, i understand that many people find comfort in internet community but i am not like that, i separate my real life from the internet and i don't bring my problem online, and vice versa. while i do share some things i do in real life, i know those are just little insignificant trivial things that you're gonna forget in an hour. i think people who find comfort on the internet is very valid but nevertheless, it's hard for me to be open on the internet because i feel like i cannot bet my luck on finding one person who would be good for me on the internet while i'm putting myself in the position where i can fall into toxic establishment very easily. i don't think i am ever gonna be ready to put myself out there, to be open and vulnerable on the internet, when i know 9 out of 10 times im just gonna get hurt. so i play pretense. i try to adapt to the community, and shape myself into the idea of someone they might like, according to what everyone collectively perceive as normal. there are close knit groups who want to treat you like instant family. there are people who just want to rapidly chatting. there are people who only ever gonna respect you if you, like, call out the toxicity of your own fandom but won’t care about your more positive daily posts. stuffs like that. but it's so overwhelming and i feel burned out because i am everything but myself on the internet. which i know isn't just a case for me alone but you guys always hear the story of how people are very friendly on the internet but shy in real life, and i'm not that at all. i am terrified of the internet every single day. so, this brings us to the point where you might have realised that i've been posting a lot of very concerning posts lately and yes you're not wrong, i am very suicidal right now and i'm trying to get help as soon as possible.

but enough about my sad story, and let's hold me accountable for all the shite i've caused. i am very sorry that i offended you, i felt angry, disappointed, jealous, and i feel like truly do not belong in anywhere. i feel like people are in this circle and i am never quite inside it with them, always just right outside the circle, listening and watching them and once a while they will see me and talk to me out of obligation but i'm always an outsider. i feel horribly not welcomed anywhere on the internet. i feel like i am some kind of replacement for someone else, so people simply being tolerable instead of actually wanting me to be there. i feel very unoriginal and boring and it’s just a matter of time before i am replaced by someone else. i think i’m sitting on a borrowed seat, and i always feel like i am forcing myself into a clique that doesn’t want me to be there necessarily.

which i think, if that happen in multiple platforms, it means i am the problem. there are a lot of things people posted on the internet that makes me horridly uncomfortable and triggered, whether they know about it or not, and i just don't know how to react to that. i tried to ignore them, blocked them, filter their posts, but it didn't help. i tried to compromise and only engaging in posts i agree with but that makes me complicit, enabling their posts even though i still find them concerning. then i tried to call them out, in a very ‘joking’ way, which came out mean instead because they aren't funny and it was an inherently terrible thing to do. i realise that i use 'comedy' as an coward excuse so i don't feel bad, but i fucking know they aren't 100% jokes and have some truth in them. those are my passive aggressive jabs. and for that i cannot tell you how sorry i am. i should've tried to talk to you and let you explain instead of jumping into bitter conclusion and act very pretentious and obnoxious like i did. i feel like i have this desire to feel okay, but i also aware that i have no place to argue. in the end the emotions and the frustration were too overwhelming for me to bear and i ended up doing massive clean up on several platforms i’m using the most, such as tumblr, instagram, discord, and goodreads, and remove all my friends while also changing the setting so people wouldn’t be able to add me unless i do it/making my ig private, just so i can start over and kind of pick which ones aren’t gonna unintentionally make me hyperventilating because of anxiety. i tried this new system of very restricting my private conversation with people on the internet and become mutual with as little number of people as possible. which i realise now is a extremely wrong thing to do because what kind of friend i am to treat them like that. why am i saying it’s for my mental health when it’s clearly just my way of being fucking petty?

but in the end i always ended up feeling like there’s no point in all of these. there’s no point of me trying so hard on the internet to create contents: the writings i put on goodreads, reddit, and ao3, the creations i posted on tumblr and instagram, my contribution to the plays read through on youtube. i am never quite a part of any of those platforms. despite people telling me leaving is a shame because ‘look how many things you’ve done’, we all know that my contribution is highly insignificant. we all know that i never made it to the circle. i am always trying to find justification to stay while also subconsciously finding an excuse to leave.

the last part i want to say is about my well being, right now. this is not me fishing for sympathy, i am not trying to make you go easy on me, i still need to be held accountable. but i think you deserve to know the full story after i posted some really batshite disturbing suicidal posts lately. i lost my family members this april, shortly after i came home due to the pandemic. in just few days i've left completely alone and i can't even go to some of the funerals because of the covid and stuffs because of the likelihood that i might have covid as well. and it's been very hard. and i didn’t have many options left to keep my sanity in check when i’m quarantining alone, other than few friends i can call or have video conference with, and the internet but of course, internet, being what it is, not gonna give a single flying fuck about my struggle (then again, i didn’t say anything about dead parents, sister, grandmas, and uncle so ofc you’d think i’ve been okay). i haven't been able to find any desire to continue living knowing that i'm all alone in this, and i don't know how to tell you, friends from the internet, about that. i feel like you don't deserve to be bothered to even hold a bit chunk of my emotional baggage because i never offered you to hold your emotional baggage as well (one, again, my internet presence isn’t for that, and two, i am not emotionally ready to listen to other people’s struggle because of my own issues, and all i can offer is just sincere pray that you’ll find someone who can help you, but it’s unfortunately not gonna be me). i've talk to some people, friends, in real life, but i feel like i'm going nowhere. i'm not doing worse but i certainly do not feel better. and i did a very shitty thing which is that i bring my real life issue to my online presence, and hurt everybody who didn't even understand what the fuck is wrong with me on the first place. i left my hometown, back to my empty old apartment, and i had to immediately find another apartment near my new workplace so i’ve been trying to find the energy to get shite done so i can move into my new place next month. i do not have any family, and my closest friend is on covid response team so she barely has time to take care of herself - in this city, i am doing everything by myself. sometimes i didn’t know why i even bother. i am mentally and physically exhausted and it’s hard to get help. because i don’t even know what people can help me with.

i am very sorry. i did this very thing that i promised myself i would never do which is to bring my personal, real life emotions and turmoils into the internet and turn everyone on the internet into some kind of punching bag. i promise that i will do better. and i understand if you want to cut off your contact with me, it's very understandable since i’ve done that to so many of you. i don’t know how i can ever show my presence again in front of any of you so let’s just assume this is goodbye. i don't know what to do, i cannot trust anyone, i definitely cannot trust myself. and i am not gonna put the pressure on you to help me to get better. i cannot put pressure on you like you have obligation to listen to my problem because, friends from the internet, despite all of these i am still the person who cannot emotionally bring my real life problem to the internet and this is the furthest as it could get for me to tell my story. just know that i'm the one who's wrong here and nothing, and i mean nothing, is any of your fault regardless of what will happen to me.

thank you so much for reading. i hope you have a good life.