Kids/Teens Book Club discussion

I just wanted to post this because I’m not sure wether or not I should start making copies of this (short) story. Please give me your feedback and any helpful advice, if you’d like. If you want to read the rest of the story, please let me know below, and I will send you a link. The whole story IS free, but this is just a little teaser. Also, PLEASE be aware, I’m not a super experienced writer yet, so try to be gentle in your feedback. (I’m 10) I would only like constructive criticism. I hope you enjoy! ~Ryan

P.S. This is a rough-ish draft, not the final product.

Chapter One
Once upon a time, there was a 12 year old girl named Zoey. She lived in a normal family. She had a little sister named Zivinnia and a mother and father. Now, no family is perfect. Just remember that throughout this book. “Hey mom!” It was morning in Pennsylvania, and Zoey’s breakfast time. “Here’s your toast,” Zoey’s mom said, “take your time, school starts at 10!” She finished with a wink. You see, Zoey was a homeschool kid, so she got to stay at home for her schooling. (Jealous much?) “Good morning sis!” Exclaimed Zoey’s little 7 year old sister, Zivinnia. “Aren’t you supposed to have finished a book report for mom this morning? I looked at your desk and saw you barely started it!” “Zivinnia!” Zoey whispered, “Don’t say anything to mom, I’m going to try and finish it after breakfast.” “Fine,” Zivinnia answered, “But I see my room being cleaned up by you in the future....” “Just, don’t tell mom.” Zoey said, annoyed about being blackmailed by her little sister. That evening, she watched the basketball game with her dad, and went out to bike in her neighborhood. She had to go with her dad because she didn’t live in a very safe neighborhood. After they had done that for a while, she turned a corner to go back home, and went far ahead of her dad. Her dad stopped to tie his shoe, but Zoey didn’t notice because she was too far ahead. She turned a corner again, but made the mistake of looking back at her dad. Oops! She slammed into the curb and fell face first onto the concrete ground. Slam! From her point of view, she slammed into the curb with her front wheel, screamed, and it blacked out.

Chapter Two

Her head was spinning like a merry go round spun by a giant. It’s hard to explain the amount of pain she was feeling right now. All I can say is it hurt REALLY REALLY bad. She opened her eyes but the world around her was still hard to see because of all the pain and spinning. The only thing she could see was two beautiful blue eyes staring at her. It was easier to stop the spinning by focusing on the person staring at her. Suddenly, the figure spoke. “Hello. Are you all right? Do you need something to drink? Eat?” The figure’s eyes softened. “Would you like a hand getting up? I can bring you to my house so we can fix up your wounds.” Zoey let the figure lift her up. “What’s your name, sweetie?” The figure asked. Zoey immediately assumed this was a mother. “I’m Zoey,” Zoey said, “what’s yours?” “I’m Julia.” The figure answered. Zoey’s vision started to clear up, and she saw a beautiful house, a garden with flowers and a perfectly mowed lawn. It looked so welcoming. Zoey smiled, and the figure smiled back. “You know what? I think my kids would like to meet you.” Zoey looked at the figure, and her vision cleared up more. She could now see a young woman, Zoey guessed about the age of 28, she was wearing a flower crown of roses, and a yellow off-the-shoulder dress. She was gorgeous. She had blond hair in a flawless braid, and almost, shall I say, perfect, light blue eyes.
As they went inside the house, what Zoey guessed were her kids, ran over to greet Zoey. Julie introduced Zoey to her kids. There was a little girl and a little boy, and the were twins. The little girl was named Charlotte, and the little boy was Jack. They both had blond hair, and blue eyes like their mother. They both smiled at Zoey, with their perfect white teeth and perfect blue eyes. Zoey smiled back. Then, Zoey noticed that there was a man with a big smile walking towards them. Julie beamed, and introduced the man.

Hey Ryan! A few things,
1.) Major props for putting this up in the members writing spot, I absolutely would've forgotten and put it into the general chat.
2.) For a 10-year-old, this is ridiculous. That you genuinely enjoy creative writing at that age is rare, and you're pretty darn good at it for someone as young as you are. There are a few small details I would point out that might make the story a bit smoother. If she blacked out, why has her dad not caught up when she wakes up? Also: If she is 12, why is she so trusting of Julia? Generally when kids are with a random adult, they wouldn't be super willing to casually visit that persons house.

P.S. Could you put the link up? I'd totally be willing to give the rest a read!

Hi! I totally appreciate the feedback! In terms of the first question, I’m thinking more of an alternate world. It gets a little confusing at the end, but I’m probably going to make a second book that clears things up a little. In terms of the second question though, Zoey was still a little woozy and she was hurting a lot. She was out of it a little bit. Also, she might have been taught (I’ve been taught this, too,) that mothers are the first people you would trust if your parents aren’t there. It’s much better then a random man off the street, if you ask me. Anyway, thanks for the complements! I really need it, since I’ll be doing a whole lot of editing pretty soon! Here’s a link to the whole story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/14...

Hope you enjoy! ~Ryan

Hi Ryan! I had to request access to the doc to view it, so you might get an email asking for permission to join. my email (the account asking to get in) is ewdriscoll@exeter.edu.

Let me check that out. 👍

I didn’t get an email, so I just messaged you the full story. Have fun! ~Ryan

Thanks! That didn't read like a 10-year-olds writing at all. The sentence structure did, but the actual vocabulary and word usage was awesome! Out of curiosity, did you talk to anybody while writing this, or did you just sit down and crank it out by yourself. (This is isn't me calling you out on the maturity of the writing/assuming it isn't entirely you, I'm just wondering.)

I’m proud to say that I did it by myself! Sometimes, I just feel like writing a story and then it all comes out at once! It took me about 2 months to write that. Thanks and I hope you have a good day! ~Ryan