Terminalcoffee discussion

What a day it was, folks. Today we discovered a friend had committed suicide. I'd been increasingly worried about him this week, since he hadn't answered any messages or phone calls, but you never know if that means anything. Today some other friends went over to see if his car was there. It was, and they broke in when he wouldn't answer the door. One of these was his ex-boyfriend of nine years. They called around, and we went, we just had to. His oldest friends stood outside his apartment while the officials went in and out. It was just like a tv show, but when a woman passed us with "forensics" printed on the back of her shirt, that's when the reality of it hit me. We waited there until they carried him out and left, and until his family arrived. They live an hour and a half away.

My friend has had numerous physical and mental problems since his teenage years. He's tried many times to kill himself, but always in a way that he'd be caught in time - leaving a note on his roommate's door or leaving a phone message. In the last decade or so he'd gotten a lot better about knowing when he was getting to be that bad, nd he'd go check himself into the hospital. I don't think he'd had one of these episodes for many years, not because he wasn't depressed anymore but because he'd learned to manage it pretty well. But this time he didn't want to be rescued.

I don't think it's a service to him to pretend he was perfect. He could hold a grudge like nobody I'd ever seen. I confess I really avoided being alone with him very often because his talk would usually at some point turn into a list of slights and perceived slights done to him by our other friends,and I'm sure they got an earful of the same about me. But at the same time, there were times when we were really really close. We were friends from college, and we became adults together. I learned so much from him aobut so many different things. We were like brother and sister, really, with the long history of pleasures and pains that entails.

He was so brave about his problems. Aside from depression he had things like chronic fatigue syndrome, Ehrler's-Danloss syndromem, Obsessive-compulsive... and other things. He was physically unable to do things, and that would feed into his depression. He tried over and over again to start jobs and go to college, and he always started everything with the utmost optimism, but after a couple of weeks he'd drop out. He did get an MFA in poetry, in a low-residency program that he could work with. No matter how shitty he felt, he loved to go out and be with people. He was so much fun. He met new people with such an openness and again, optimism. He kept expecting good things although he usually didn't get them.

Well, recent events...he'd had a hell of a winter and was thinking about going to a home for mentally disabled adults. It was killing him to lose his freedom, but when you don't have the energy to take care of your own needs, how much freedom to you have anyway? I guess what I'm wondering is what made him decide, "yes, I'm going to do it." Why this time? What made this time different from all the other times?

Very sorry about your friend. It's difficult being one of the people left behind after suicide, so please make sure you take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry about your friend, Rebecca. We lost a very close friend to suicide, so I can truly empathize with how you feel. You may never know why. Just know that he was ill and in pain, physically and emotionally and it was the illness that took him, not the choice. Big hugs!!

You're not oversharing, Rebecca. I'm very sorry to hear about your friend. Mental illness can rob people of so much. I hope you're eventually able to get through this. You have all my sympathy.

Rebecca, I'm sorry.

That's so sad.

I'm so sorry about your loss, Rebecca.

Rebecca, I am so sorry. Only your friend could answer your questions regarding the decision he made. Don't beat yourself up asking why. Please, take to heart what Jonathan said, mental illness can rob people of so much. Take care of your self.

So sorry for your loss, it’s not oversharing- it’s easier sometimes to tell ‘strangers’ how you feel. I’ve been in your position and there are no easy answers. Take care, Rebecca.

Thinking of you, Rebecca.

i'm sorry to hear that. we have much mental illness in my extended family, going back several generations, so i can sympathize with your friend. there have been many suicide attempts, one by my baby brother, so i can also somewhat relate to and sympathize with what you are going through. i'm sure everyone here would agree with me when i say, if you have a need to talk, if only just to vent, don't hesitate to ask me to lend an ear and a shoulder.

Rebecca, I'm so sorry. If you need a shoulder, feel free to drop me a message, I've been where you are.

Why this time? What made this time different from all the other times?

I suppose there's no way to know, unless he left a note explaining it. A very sad situation.

Sorry for your loss Rebecca, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts with us.

I'm so glad you found a way to let out some of your feelings, even if it's in the relative anonymity of TC. Suicide is a difficult thing to deal with; my uncle committed suicide when I was just starting high school, and he was dealing with physical and mental issues much like your friend. Like you said, it's a disservice to treat him as if he were perfect after his passing, but it's also very important to stay focused on the positives so the good memories can be more powerful than his choice to leave.

Thank you so much, everyone. This has been a real help to me. Now all the memorials, funerals, etc. are over and it's been a very healing time. He had all sorts of friends in all sorts of places, and I feel like I've found new friends through this connection as well as having some very important times with old friends. I'm thinking about what he'd say about that, because he always wanted us to get together more than we did. In addition to that, one of his friends is in the poetry publishing biz and she wants to get a volume of his poems published. He'd be saying, "NOW all this is happening?!"

I also think, after spending so much time with his family, that they understood him a lot better than he thought they did, and that's sad. All together, it's very odd to be in a room with so many people who knew him in such different ways, but know so many of the same things you do about him.

He didn't leave a note, not what one expects from such a verbal person, but he spent so much time in life trying to explain himself, I guess he thought he'd said it all. One factor may have been that he started seeing a new doctor who changed his meds all around. All the health care people I know are raising eyebrows over that one, especially since the doc tripled his dose of Xanax and put him on Prozac, which apparently bipolar people aren't supposed to take (he was at one time diagnosed bipolar, but I don't know if that stuck)

Anyway, thanks again. You've been really kind.

I needed to share with ppl who don't know me.

I had to report abuse of a client today to DCF,

I may have helped said client on long run, maybe not.

I feel like a traitor today. This is my chosen career.

Thanks...

You are not a traitor. I'm willing to bet you are a mandatory reporter - when you see something, you're required to report it. Even if you're not, you know that ethically it is the right thing to do.

I needed to share with ppl who don't know me.

I had to report abuse of a client today to DCF,

I may have helped said client on long run, maybe not.

I feel like a traitor today. This is my chosen career.

Thanks...

I am and it still sucks

I like the client but...they will have a long toad no matter what happens

You obviously needed to make that judgment call Suefly. You wouldn't be human if you weren't upset about the need to make the decision. But as Barb said, you shouldn't feel guilt about it.

I don't know what DCF is either.

Department of Children and Families

Ahhhhh. No wonder you are upset. Families are such difficult things do deal with. Are you involved in social work side of things?

I am
I'm a 'late bloomer' in life so I took the long way around to this career

Somedays are harder than others-I'm very sensitive to begin with so it's a mixed blessing to feel so much but to have to be logical and by the book at the same time