Read It Forward discussion

We recently featured The Unfinished Work of Elizabeth D. by Nichole Bernier in one of our Read It First giveaways. Check out our post to read an excerpt of this bittersweet novel.

Before there were blogs, there were journals. And in them we’d write as we really were, not as we wanted to appear. But there comes a day when journals outlive us. And with them, our secrets.

We'll begin the chat with a few questions pulled from the glowing Washington Post review of The Unfinished Work of Elizabeth D.: "Why do we keep secrets from those we love most? Is it possible for mothers and fathers to have it all — work and family?"

I remember hearing or reading a quote on "having it all" years ago, and the gist of it was, You can have it all, but maybe not all at once. For example, early in my medical career, the demands of training and establishing myself as a physician forced writing to the back (way back, off the edge of the stove!) burner. Now, years and children later, I'm in a position where I can cut back on the medical work and focus on the writing.

One person's "All" is another one's hell. The hard part is deciding what your All is, and putting it front and center in your life. For me, the concept is different with both the seasons of my life, and the seasons within a year. Right now, a cloudless, sunny day at my beach house with my children getting along is ALL I need!

I am in a current state of reminding myself and perhaps, re-defining, what my "all" actually is. It is certainly not the same for each of us. Choosing what we have as our "all", now that would be genius for certain.

Once every 44 or 45 days, I have it all: something goes well at work and all members of my family (including the dog) say "I love you." The secret to my periodic success? I run for a measly 20 minutes a day, I eschew gardening, and I never keep secrets. Thanks to Nichole (and The Unfinished Work of Elizabeth D) for reminding me how important it is to be honest with everyone in my life.....most importantly, ME!The Unfinished Work of Elizabeth D.

What does "having it all" actually mean? Isn't it a question that is so individually defined? The key is to find peace with what you have and where you are in your life. Not always easy—but if you strive for it, all the priorities in your life will fall into place.

I also think the entire idea of "having it all" is designed to make each of us feel like a failure. It's a meaningless construct. What on earth is "all"?

Personal story: Relatively late, my wife and I decided to become parents. After our daughter was born, my wife turned an in-office job as an editor into an in-home one, sacrificing the chance to ascend the ladder for the ability to do fulfilling work while also being home for the kids.

And me? I was always a freelance writer, but I changed my focus--travel was a big part of it--so I could be home to take my parenting share. I gave up some career chances, but I'm proud of what I've written and published since. More importantly, I truly know my children.

Having it all? No. Living my life the best I know how? Yes. Lucky? Without question.

What a meaningless cliche. Like any sound bite, "having it all" is a media reduction of a loaded idea. Whether you work because you have to or because you want to — or whether you define work as doing what you have to do to stay sane and be the person you are (like writing, like music) — it's a matter of choices in the OTHER areas of your life. What you give up, what you cut short, where you say "good enough." I'll never have a gorgeous spotless house or run a marathon or be PTA president. But writing — other pieces, and then this book — was the non-negotiable thing.

Having one thing you really want to do has a way of forcing you to triage the things you only sort-of want to do. Having a helpful, supportive partner helps a lot too. But there are things that slip through the cracks, the unmatched socks of the working life, and sometimes worse than unmatched socks. Missed events that make you feel like you're not having it all, not by a longshot, but having a lot, inadequately.

Seems to me the question is how hard we try to appear as if we have our own personal juggling act under control. Those who are rat-racing the hardest to look like they do, often don't. And facades are lonely, aren't they?

What a lovely, robust response, Nichole. "having it all" is indeed a cliche, and fraught with expectations and the sense of someone looking over our shoulder (or under the bookshelf, where the dust bunnies gather).

It is indeed about...triage and timing. What do you do that makes you really alive?

When my children were small (and my youngest has Down syndrome) I recall feeling that if I could only somehow grab a half hour a week for writing I would be able to keep breathing. I tried to negotiate that with my partner (we were both working, and the kids came with me to work, and we were insanely busy). He said "but I'm a writer too" (and where was his time, was the implication). Hit with this wall I felt great self pity and much despair, because...how could I write without that clear space?

I found I could write in the middle of chaos, from need. Big breakthrough. (though if any of you have lovely clear space and a room of your own..cherish it).

For me, though, Elizabeth D. was a whole lot more about surface and secrets (and inevitable echoes of dead friends)

I agree with you, Nichole, on everything. I love your idea of the "non-negotiable" thing. That was writing for me, too. I remember when my first daughter was little and I figured out a way for a babysitter to come a few hours a week. A couple of friends asked me how I could be disciplined enough not to use that time for grocery shopping, laundry, etc. and I thought, Are you kidding? I'm carving out this time for writing and writing only. I couldn't get to the library fast enough. But my house is never clean and I'm never the most prepared mom at the playground. This used to bother me, but with time I realized I was happier if I was writing, and if I was happier, I was a better mom. There are days when everything seems in balance, but they are rare. Mostly it is about triage and timing, as Kathy says above. I can't wait to read your book, Nichole. It sounds wonderful.

I don't really know what having it all even means. But if it means being able to accomplish all the things you ever want to accomplish, I suppose it isn't really possible. It's part of being human that our imaginations are never satisfied and that we never accomplish/get something without yearning for something else. My closet bears disheartening testimony to this.

I'm beginning to realize that 'having it all' is an unattainable goal that just makes me miserable. My version of 'all' is so unrealistic that the odds of me achieving it are pretty low.

It's all about balance. Each day I do better in one area of my life while the others take a hit. I figure it's like nutrition, you just need to be balanced across the week not every day.

I am more mindful now of the little joys in my life, stopping to savor them. If I was constantly worried about achieving everything, I would bulldoze over the delicate flowers in my path.