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“Dave hands me the bread. Josh takes some chicken onto his plate.
The silence is homicidal.
Emily finishes her wine and Dave pours her more. For such a small thing, Emily can really pack it away.
“Winnie has worms,” I tell the table, and spread some butter on my bread. “Took her to the vet earlier. I was so worried I was going to have to treat it with some ointment in her butt, but—nope—just a pill.”
I take a sip of wine and grin at them. Josh puts his fork down and cups his forehead. But in a few beats they all break into laughter, and Emily looks over at me with my favorite kind of fondness.
“She doesn’t really have worms. I was just kidding.”
I am nothing if not a decent icebreaker.”
― Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating
The silence is homicidal.
Emily finishes her wine and Dave pours her more. For such a small thing, Emily can really pack it away.
“Winnie has worms,” I tell the table, and spread some butter on my bread. “Took her to the vet earlier. I was so worried I was going to have to treat it with some ointment in her butt, but—nope—just a pill.”
I take a sip of wine and grin at them. Josh puts his fork down and cups his forehead. But in a few beats they all break into laughter, and Emily looks over at me with my favorite kind of fondness.
“She doesn’t really have worms. I was just kidding.”
I am nothing if not a decent icebreaker.”
― Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating

“Do you know how many guys like to date the cute wild girl for a few weeks before expecting me to chill a little and become more Regular Girlfriend? [..] But at the end of the day, [..] being myself is enough. I’m enough.”
She’s not saying it to convince me, or even herself; she’s already there.”
― Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating
She’s not saying it to convince me, or even herself; she’s already there.”
― Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating

“Please tell me you’re not that guy right now.”
“What guy?”
“The guy you’ve always been, who wants me to be quirky but not weird, who wants me to dance only when other people are dancing, who likes telling all the stories about me but doesn’t remember how much he bitched about each of those moments when it happened.”
― Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating
“What guy?”
“The guy you’ve always been, who wants me to be quirky but not weird, who wants me to dance only when other people are dancing, who likes telling all the stories about me but doesn’t remember how much he bitched about each of those moments when it happened.”
― Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating

“Why do they do that?” I asked, watching the shiny body flip through the air before landing with a splash. “I get why they do it when they’re hooked—I’d put up a fight, too. But this seems counterproductive. Like, you’re a fish and people are trying to find you. Hide!”
Josh laughed and rested his elbows on the edge of the boat. [..] “I don’t know if anyone has asked the sturgeons directly, but I think it’s to clear their gills? Or maybe avoid predators.”
I squinted off into the distance. “Maybe it’s just fun.”
Josh grew quiet and I looked over to see him watching me. “I never thought of it that way before.”
― Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating
Josh laughed and rested his elbows on the edge of the boat. [..] “I don’t know if anyone has asked the sturgeons directly, but I think it’s to clear their gills? Or maybe avoid predators.”
I squinted off into the distance. “Maybe it’s just fun.”
Josh grew quiet and I looked over to see him watching me. “I never thought of it that way before.”
― Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating

“The guy who does your lawn is always playing with Winnie, Josh. And he’s really cute.”
Dave looks at her from where he’s reaching for a cookie. “Isn’t he, like, nineteen?”
“You might be right.” She turns to Hazel. “Haze, do you have a problem with younger men?”
Hazel burps before answering. “Nope.”
“Joshy, what about you?”
“I think younger men are fine but I’d prefer a woman. And at least old enough to vote, please.”
David’s eyes light up. “What if we made them dating profiles on Grindr or eharmony or one of those?”
Emily’s brows come together. “I don’t think Grindr is the right one. Let me Google it.”
Hazel leans against my shoulder, staring at them. “They don’t even need us here for this.”
― Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating
Dave looks at her from where he’s reaching for a cookie. “Isn’t he, like, nineteen?”
“You might be right.” She turns to Hazel. “Haze, do you have a problem with younger men?”
Hazel burps before answering. “Nope.”
“Joshy, what about you?”
“I think younger men are fine but I’d prefer a woman. And at least old enough to vote, please.”
David’s eyes light up. “What if we made them dating profiles on Grindr or eharmony or one of those?”
Emily’s brows come together. “I don’t think Grindr is the right one. Let me Google it.”
Hazel leans against my shoulder, staring at them. “They don’t even need us here for this.”
― Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating
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