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“This was the eighteenth day in a row that the special was Mushroom Surprise. It was called Mushroom Surprise because it would have been a surprise if anybody had ever ordered it. No one ever did—except Louis, of course. That’s why they’d had it for eighteen days. There was always plenty left over.”
― Louis Sachar, Wayside School Is Falling Down

“What is a sensitive person?” said the Cracker to the Roman Candle.
“A person who, because he has corns himself, always treads on other people's toes,” answered the Roman Candle in a low whisper; and the Cracker nearly exploded with laughter.”
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Wilde Stories for Children

“No one’s ever brought me flowers before,” said Mr. Kidswatter. “You may not believe this, Louis, but I don’t have many friends.” He put his hand on Louis’s shoulder. “You’re like a son to me,” he said.
“And you’re a maggot-infested string bean,” muttered Louis.
“What?” asked Mr. K.
“I said, you’re a magnificent human being.”
― Louis Sachar, Wayside School Gets A Little Stranger

“I like hearing myself talk. It is one of my greatest pleasures. I often have long conversations all by myself, and I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
― Oscar Wilde, Oscar Wilde Stories for Children