Whitney Gaskell's Blog

Sam: MOM???

Me: I’m right here. You don’t have to shout.

Sam: How old are you?



Me: That depends. Why?

Sam: I need to know for a math problem.

Me: Then let’s go with 32.

Sam: You’re not 32.

Me: It’s a math problem. Is accuracy really all that important?

Sam: You know I get graded on this, right?

This originally appeared on the blog on December 4th, 2013.

As Sam and I were watching the old Christmas stop-action classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, it occurred to me that the Santa in the show is a complete dick.

Also, the show teaches some questionable life lessons.

It begins when the cute, fuzzy little Rudolph is born. Santa comes to visit, but is immediately horrified by the newborn’s glowing red nose.

“He’ll outgrow it,” Donner – Rudolph’s prick of a dad – promises Santa.

“I hope so, if he’s going to make my team someday,” Santa says, before breaking out in a Jingle, Jingle, Jingle song about how awesome it is to be one of his reindeer, presumably to rub Rudolph’s red nose in the fact that he won’t be allowed on the team.

Donner sticks a fake brown nose on Rudolph. When Rudolph complains about how uncomfortable it is, his father tells him that there are more important things than comfort. Like pride. And sucking up to Santa.

“Santa can’t object to you now,” Donner says.

Life Lesson Number One: Santa mocks children with disabilities.

Next we meet Hermey, a little elf who isn’t happy in his toy-making work. When he tells his boss that he wants to be a dentist, the foreman belittles and berates him. Apparently, dentists are the crack-whores of the elf world. Hermey is told that if he doesn’t shape up, he’ll be fired. Oh, and he’s not allowed to go on his break.

Life Lesson Number Two: Santa’s workshop is a hostile work environment where labor laws are non-existent and/or ignored.

The next time we see Santa, he’s grumpily sitting through his Elves’ choir practice, listening to them sing, We Are Santa’s Elves.

Santa responds by making a face. “It needs work. I have to go,” he says, before storming off.

Life Lesson Number Three: Santa hates Christmas songs. And Elves. And, presumably, children.

A now adolescent Rudolph joins in the Reindeer Games, and impresses Coach Comet with his flying jumps. However, when his fake nose unexpectedly pops off, Comet and other young bucks jeer and mock him.

Santa, repulsed by Rudolphs’s glowing red nose, turns to Rudolph’s father, and says, “Donner, you should be ashamed of yourself. What a pity.”

Life Lesson Number Four: If you’re different from other children, Santa will hate you and encourage your parents to reject you. Because of shame.

Rudolph and Hermey, tired of being treated like shit, decide to run away together. They meet up with Yukon Cornelius, and he takes them to the Island of Misfit Toys.

Life Lesson Number Five: It’s better to be a homeless runaway, dodging an abominable snowman and hanging out with a predatory pimp who pretends to be a gold prospector, than to live in Santa’s North Pole.

When Rudolph finally returns to the North Pole, there’s a big storm. Santa considers cancelling Christmas – after all, why should he risk his neck delivering toys to the children he clearly hates – when he suddenly realizes that Rudolph’s red nose can light the journey. Santa hastily starts sucking up to Rudolph, and asks him to join the sleigh team.

Life Lesson Number Six: Santa’s a user. And possibly a sociopath with a narcissistic personality disorder.

So, there we have it — a Christmas classic that teaches kids that it’s bad to be different, and will cause both Santa and your parents to reject you . . . right up until they need you for something. Also, dentists are crack whores.

ME: You left your Social Studies homework on the kitchen table.

SAM: Yes, I know. I decided to be a Vulcan about it.

ME: What?

SAM: I decided to not have any emotions about not being able to turn in my homework. Like a Vulcan.



ME: First of all, you should have emotions about not turning in your homework. Strong emotions of shame and regret. Second, I don’t think Vulcans ever leave their homework at home.

SAM: How do you know that? You don’t even watch Star Trek.

ME: Trust me, I just know.

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SAM: I’m over this camp thing.

ME: You’re not going to spend your entire summer vacation playing Minecraft.

SAM: Dang it.

ME: Dang it? Where did you learn that? No, never mind, don’t tell me. If you’re not going to go to camp, what else are you interested in doing this summer?

SAM: We could go to Disney World. Then we could go to Texas and Syracuse to visit my grandparents. Then we could spend a few weeks on Cape Cod. And I’ve always wanted to go to London.

ME: A few weeks on the Cape? London? Sure, why not. But why stop there? We could go to Paris, too. And then we could take a month or so and travel through Italy.

SAM: Hmm. I’m not sure if I’m interested in traveling through Italy.

ME: I think I’m going to spend the summer teaching you to recognize SARCASM.

SAM: I’ve decided I’m going to try spaghetti and meatballs.

ME: Great! It’s about time you started to branch out from your diet of chicken and plain pasta.

SAM: Will you make it for me?

ME: Yes, absolutely.

SAM: Can I have my spaghetti and meatballs without the sauce and without the meatballs?

ME:

SAM: What?



ME: That’s just plain pasta.

SAM: I know. I’ve heard it’s really good.

This is what happens when Dash spots a lizard on the back patio.

SAM: Yay! I talked Dad into letting me join a new Minecraft server.

ME: How did you do that?

SAM: I told him that he’s always saying I need to be more responsible, and this is a chance for me to prove I can be.

ME: Good for you. That’s what’s called a persuasive argument.

SAM: Right. Also, I complained a lot. I think the two work really well together, don’t you? A lot of complaining combined with a persuasive argument. That’s how to get what you want.

Sam: Did you just send me a text that says ‘HEY BOOGER’?

Me: Would I do that?

Sam: Probably. And it does say it’s from MOM. Which means you.

Me: [texting furiously]

Sam: What is THIS??? ‘HEY BOOGER-POO’?!?!

Me: Hee hee. Just wait until you start dating.