Anjum Choudhary's Blog - Posts Tagged "inspirational"

I wish it was other way around but that's how it had been and denying it would be just me lying to myself. Have it ever occurred to you that the change we all talk about always happens exactly where in us ?? Well I just did a little shuffling around on the inside to see and this is what I found .. I have evolved to be a much stronger person mentally, I can control my thoughts (for certain time), I can tame the past and memories that hurt, i deal better with pain and process things said to me with different perspective. Like they have to go through filters and barriers before they reach the main switch board to fetch any feelings out of me. I have learned how to hush the voices up in there enough to not let out spontaneous emotions, I am much better at, let's not say lying but being more diplomatic around acquaintances. I have evolved enough to control my mind and not let it control me, in adult world I'm supposedly known as more mature than I used to be, but my heart .. well I wish I could say the same for it too .. I had been so busy focusing on my mind leaving my heart out there to survive and run by itself, letting it make choices, take decisions that it felt right .. I let it fight the battles all on its own, maybe because I trusted it a little too much and knew somewhere it can thrive without much attention and believed it to be much stronger than my mind because I felt it won't cause any troubles if left unattended. But today I realize .. I shouldn't have .. for it is weaker than any other part in me. I owe it an apology and all my attention from now on .. Dear heart Hangin there I got you

At times I wonder if that was too much from my end .. but I couldn't change it, not because I didn't want to, but because this is who I am and this is how I have been, this is me and that's how I am supposed to behave . Give all I have or nothing at all, to feel extreme, to feel everything all at once or feel nothing.. absolutely nothing. I can't blame anyone for my decisions, my choices. I have purely loved this world and everything in it .. every single thing whole heartedly, unbiased at some point of time.. although i never got back even half of what it took, what I gave .. yet I am content. This world owes me so much more .. it's in debt and I'd like it to be that way .. I don't expect any returns .. but just knowing I was capable of giving it more than it could ever give me is satisfying on a whole new level, like a high .. it's a feeling I will never be able to explain.. And that I don't think I'd want to have it any other way.