Mylee Bankston's Blog

A Letter to Every Girl Tired of the Never-Ending Coffee Dates

Let’s talk about it, sis.

You put on the cute outfit. You meet at a cute coffee shop. You smile politely through surface-level questions to get to know each other, sprinkle in a little Jesus to see how serious he takes his relationship with God, then it ends with the phrase that makes your left eye twitch:

“Let’s just see where God leads this.”

Girl. BE SERIOUS.

If you’ve ever walked away from yet another vague “date” feeling more confused than before the date, this one’s for you.

☕ The Coffee Date Chronicles: Why we are tired1. It feels like an interview and not a connection

Sure, dating should be intentional—but grilling each other like it’s a job application? That’s not romantic. That’s exhausting. 🙃

There is a difference between being intentional and being intense. Treating dating like an interview gives “Intense.”

2. Commitment? Crickets.

Men act like commitment is a four-letter word, but saying “yes” to a date does not mean you are “official” and marriage is around the corner. Dates do not have to be this scary, high-pressure, nerve-racking experience.

3. All Surface, no depth

Conversations that don’t go deeper than small talk. I’m not sure how I am supposed to know if I have a future with you if you are not willing to dig deeper! Not being willing to dive deeper is a significant red flag.

4. lack of dtr

The awkward in-between where no one wants to define anything. It’s just sad these days, honestly. The dating culture today has to get better at driving clarity and being transparent within the relationship.

5. The ghosting era

Getting your hopes up just to get ghosted (again 🙃). Instead of ghosting, why don’t we just be honest with the other person on how we feel…

Sound familiar? Same. And you’re not crazy for wanting more.

🚩 Why “Let’s Just See Where God leads this” Isn’t Always Cute

Now don’t get me wrong—sometimes God does take time to reveal His plan for our lives.
But other times, “let’s just see” is Christian code for:

“I’m emotionally unavailable, but don’t want to say it.”

“I like the idea of you, but not the responsibility.”

“I’m scared to lead, so I’ll stall and make it sound spiritual.”

And let’s be honest—God isn’t the author of confusion (1 Cor. 14:33). So if every conversation leaves you overanalyzing screenshots with your best friend… it might not be from God. 👀

🎯 What We Actually Want (and Deserve) in dating!

Spoiler alert: wanting a relationship that is rooted in God and has direction isn’t needy or impatient—it’s called being mature and dating with intentionality. Don’t let someone make you feel otherwise.

Here’s what so many of us are praying for:

1. clarity over confusion

A man who says what he means and means what he says.

He doesn’t dance around the D-word (dating). He tells you he’s looking for something serious, and you don’t have to drag it out of him.

✨ Real-life example:

I went on a date with one guy, and at the end of the date, he said, “This was fun! We should do it again.” We went on a few more dates. Then we both had a conversation, initiated by him, about where we felt this relationship was headed.

We both determined we did not see a romantic relationship developing out of this, but we agreed to be friends. I appreciated him taking the initiative to bring clarity to our relationship without making it awkward.

2. The conversation has depth

If you’re looking for a future together, it should feel like you’re both walking toward something—marriage, growth, purpose—not just wandering.

We’re not out here trying to build a life with someone who only wants to talk about hobbies and takeout preferences. There is nothing wrong with those things, but we want someone willing to talk about values, faith, the future, and where they feel God is leading them in their life.

🛑 PSA: If you're dating for marriage (which should be the end goal for all Christians), but you’ve never talked about marriage, kids, your relationship with God, or even your expectations for the relationship…that’s a red flag.

3. Follow-Through Over Flakiness

“Let’s just see where God leads this,” or “Let’s hang out sometime soon,” isn’t it. Yes, it’s a nice thought… until it becomes a forever stall.

✨ Real-life example:

When my now-husband and I first started dating, he would occasionally check in to let me know his feelings, where he saw our relationship heading, and to see how I was feeling, too. He wanted to make sure we were on the same page.

I never once had to question where I stood with Him. For a girl who can sometimes be known to overthink and overanalyze a situation…that was a fresh breath of air and just what I needed. No guessing. No games. That kind of steady communication? Chef’s kiss. 👏

🙏 Real Talk: Yes, God Leads. But You don’t have to be in the dark

God absolutely leads relationships together. But He also gave us wisdom, discernment, and standards.

And guess what? Healthy Christian dating doesn't have to feel like spiritual roulette. If you're constantly left questioning whether he’s into you, into the idea of you, or just into the vibes, you’re allowed to want more. You shouldn’t be stuck waiting around to decode mixed messages.

Clarity isn’t unspiritual.

Boundaries aren’t a lack of trust.

Wanting something real isn’t asking for too much.

A few things to ask yourself in the process of dating someone to recognize if they are truly ready for a serious relationship, rather than just wanting to keep things casual?

What is their reputation amongst their friends and peers? Are they known for being selfless and involved in church or getting drunk at a bar on the weekend?

Do they trust God? Are they a devoted Christ follower? Or are they simply saying they are a Christian because they grew up going to church to check off the box on Sundays? Does their life reflect that they live for Christ?

💅 So What Do You Do If You’re Over It?1. decide what you want.

Out loud. In prayer. In your journal. To your friends. Don’t lessen your desires to sound more “content” or to seem “low-maintenance.” However, be realistic with your expectations.

One way to do this is to ask God what he wants in your future spouse.

When I was dating, I had to humble myself in this area. I examined all my standards for my future husband and recognized that this person most likely does not exist.

Finding someone who resembles an Abercrombie & Fitch model, plays guitar, can sing, is athletic, loves the Lord, and is a family man might be an unrealistic expectation.

Instead of searching for the perfect guy, you should approach dating by looking for someone who has the qualities God lays out in the Bible.

What are your expectations for marriage? Are you using the Bible as a filter, or are you solely relying on culture to define this for you?

2. Stop entertaining what drains you.

You’re not obligated to stay emotionally available to someone just because they mention God once and have good hair. Don’t let “Christian potential” cloud your judgment.

If you are not sure where he stands with you or God, then the relationship is likely barely standing at all.

If he’s not ready, he’s not for you right now. Keep it moving.

3. Pray bold, specific prayers.

Ask God for someone who pursues you with purpose and is willing to be transparent in the relationship.

Ask for peace, for patience, and for the courage to walk away when it’s not God’s best for you.

4. Trust God’s timing—but also your gut.

You can be patient and still have boundaries. God honors your faith and your boundaries.

You can believe in finding love without settling for less than God’s best.

💌 Final Thoughts

Girl, if you're feeling exhausted by coffee dates that go nowhere, you're not being dramatic; you're dating with purpose and with an end goal in mind.

You were made for more than vague connection and half-hearted effort.

You deserve:

To be pursued intentionally

To be loved with clarity

To be seen, chosen, and cherished—on purpose

Purposeful dating does not have to be like an interview; it simply means you know what you are looking for and filter your date’s actions through what the Bible says a godly man should be.

Don’t apologize for wanting commitment. Don’t downplay your desire for marriage. Don’t settle! You’re not asking for too much—you just want God’s best for your life.

Want more on dating with purpose? Be sure to grab your copy of my book “Is Being Single a Gift? where we dive deeper into finding purpose in singleness, trusting God through uncertainty, and practical ways to date intentionally 💕

Let’s ditch the coffee dates that go nowhere and say yes to dating with direction.

Okay, let’s be real for a second. When people say, “Singleness is a gift!”... sometimes it feels less like a present and more like socks on Christmas morning. Or worse—coal. You're standing there smiling, trying to be polite, but inside you’re wondering if there’s a gift receipt so you can exchange it for literally anything else. 😅

Sure, we’ve heard the well-meaning sermon points: “You can serve God without the added distractions a family can bring,” or “Singleness is a season of learning to be content with just you and Jesus!” And while that’s true, it doesn’t exactly help when it feels like we are being cheerily congratulated on this gift we didn’t ask for, while everyone else is living their rom-com dreams and we are just... rewatching The Notebook with takeout.

So let’s talk about it. Like, really talk about it.

Why Singleness Can Feel... Not So Gift-Like

Let’s break this down. My main issues with people telling singles this season is a gift are:

This advice often comes from people who are currently married and, therefore, do not have this “gift.” I appreciate the intention, but this phrase tends to come across like someone giving diet tips while eating a cupcake.

It sounds like a Christian consolation prize and affects how singles view this season. As if we didn’t want love, but it’s fine—we’ll just “trust God’s timing” while catching another bouquet at another wedding. It completely skips over the actual feelings that come with unwanted singleness. Such as: Loneliness, disappointment, comparison, questioning God—those are real emotions we carry in this season.

🚫 Phrases We Can Retire, Please and Thank You

If I had a dollar for every time I heard…

“It’ll happen when you least expect it.”

“Put yourself out there more!”

“You’re too picky.”

“Be content—Jesus is enough.”

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

…I could buy myself the wedding dress AND the honeymoon. 🙃

Honestly, these phrases, along with the poor advice Christians receive about singleness and dating, were just a few of the reasons that inspired me to write this book.

📖 Why I Wrote A Book On Singleness?

By 25, I had…

Learned how to play 4 instruments 🎸

Traveled to 7 countries 🌍

Landed a full-time job in the music industry 🎧

Led worship for 6+ years at church and had a great community of Christian friends and mentors 🙌

Sounds like an Instagram-worthy life, right?

Except for one thing: I had never been in a relationship. Not one. Not even close. Cue my spiral down a road of: Comparison. Shame. Feeling “left behind.” Wondering if I was broken. Asking God, “Did You forget about me?”

One night in October 2020, I had a total “Dear Diary but make it dramatic” moment with God. I laid it all out. Every tear, every frustration, every “why not me?” I told Him, “I need to know what my purpose is in this season. Why have I been single my whole life?”

A few days passed, I was sitting on the couch in my little apartment in Nashville, working from home during the “Covid years”, and in the quiet, I heard: “You should write a book about singleness.”

My response: “I should what now?! I’m not exactly the poster child for grammar over here.”

But when God calls you to something, even if it feels wild… It’s hard to run from it.

And spoiler alert: I ended up writing a book about singleness while being deeply single, a bridesmaid in three weddings that year (including my younger brother’s 😩), and still learning to find God’s goodness in this season of life. God sure does have a sense of humor!

Oddly enough, those things started to not matter so much as I finally felt I had purpose in this awkward and unwanted season. I was finally able to smile and rejoice in my singleness instead of it being a burden. I became overjoyed thinking that what I have learned in this season might one day be used to encourage others.

✨ What Makes My Book Different?

Let’s be honest:

The Christian dating/singleness section in bookstores? Overflowing. And yet, so many of them come from people who got married at 22. I find it hard to take advice in this area from someone who has never experienced a long period of singleness themselves.

I didn’t want to write another “trust God, it’ll happen in His timing” book. I wanted to write the book I wish someone had handed me when I was 23.

While I do trust in God and his timing, there is much more that could be said to single people in this season. I want to express the deep emotions of a long period of singleness. Anyone walking through it knows it is not always sunshine and rainbows.

So here’s what you’ll get in my book:

A journey into the heart of a 25-year-old single woman who loves her job, strives to live a God-honoring life, and desires marriage more than anything. However, after spending her whole life single, she’s now asking God the tough questions to figure out why.

Honest conversations about self-worth, jealousy, loneliness, trust in God, and let’s not forget…dating

Deep dives into questions like “Will I ever meet my person,” or “God, you know how much I desire marriage. Why is it not happening for me?”

Encouragement that doesn’t rely on clichés or perfect endings

🫶 Who Is This For?

Girls who feel like the only one in their group chat, not wedding planning

Friends & family who want to support the single people in their lives

Church leaders who are trying to love their single community better

Anyone who's done pretending they’re “fine” and ready to ask God, “What’s your purpose for me in the midst of this painful season?”

💡 Let’s Shift the Narrative

Somewhere along the line, marriage became the “finish line” of Christian womanhood. But guess what?

You’re not second-string.

You’re life is not on pause until you get married.

Your worth isn’t on hold until you say “I do.”

When you look at scripture, you read where Paul says, If you can remain single for the kingdom, do it! And Jesus? Pretty single. Still crushed His mission. ✝️💁‍♀️

Let’s stop acting like life starts with marriage and start encouraging each other to live a full life now, because this season is sacred, too.

Let’s start encouraging and empowering our single friends just as Jesus did. Let’s begin to shift the narrative from “marriage equals success” to “embracing where God has you equals success.”

🎉 Final Word (a.k.a. That Pep Talk from Your Best Friend)

If you're single, hurting, confused, or just over it—I see you. More importantly, God sees you.

You’re not forgotten.
You’re not being punished.
And you are no less than those who are dating and married.

Marriage is beautiful. Singleness is too. Both are gifts, but neither is where your identity lies.

Your calling isn’t to find a husband. It’s to know God, love people, and walk boldly in the purpose He placed on your life.

And if this message hits home, girl… this book is for you.

👇👇👇
📖 Grab your copy of Is Being Single a Gift?: Trusting God While Unpacking Hard Truths on Singleness HERE!

Let’s stop waiting to live. Let’s start living while we wait. 💕

A gift? Singleness sure does not feel like a gift. It feels more like opening my stocking on Christmas morning to find lumps of coal instead of toys. Where is the gift receipt? I would love to return it.

Singleness is a gift not many people want. Marriage also is a gift, and it is not bad to want the gift of marriage. Yes, singleness comes with the perks of being devoted to God without the added distractions a family can bring. However, when singles are told singleness is a gift, it feels like we are being cheerily congratulated on this gift we didn’t ask for, one we fear will be a lifelong gift. My main issues with people telling singles this season is a gift are:

This advice normally comes from people who are currently married and do not have this “gift.”

This phrase affects how singles view this season.

WHY I WROTE THIS BOOK?

Before my 25th birthday, I had learned how to play 4 instruments, been to 7 countries, got a full time job in the music industry, and have been leading worship at my church for 6 years. Sounds pretty successful, right?

Well, at 25 it finally hit me, all my friends are dating, engaged, married, or even having babies, and I have yet to be in one relationship my whole life. Which lead me down a road of struggling with self-worth, comparison, disappointment, and my faith in God.

In October of 2020 I decided to lay all my frustrations and disappointments on God. I told Him, “I need to know what my purpose is in this season. Why have I been single my whole life?” I felt God telling me in response, “You should write a book about this season.” I said, “I should what??” (If you know me, you know I am not the poster child for writing or grammar). But when God’s calling you to do something it’s hard to run from it. So...

On October 26, 2020, I took a leap of faith and started the process of writing with absolutely no idea where to begin. Not knowing as I embarked on this journey, I was also going to spend most of 2021 celebrating many close friends and family on their special day. I was a bridesmaid in three weddings this year, one being for my younger brother.

God sure does have a sense of humor. Calling me to write a book on encouraging others in singleness while living in the middle of a season it has never been more glaringly obvious, I was single! That didn’t matter though because in this moment I felt I had purpose. I finally was able to smile and rejoice in my singleness instead of it being a burden. I became overjoyed thinking what I have learned in this season might one day be used to encourage others.

HOW IS MY BOOK DIFFERENT FROM MANY OTHER SINGLE & DATING BOOKS?

There are plenty of books on Christian dating and singleness. (I probably have most of them on my bookshelf.) I have spent hours reading and listening to podcasts on navigating this season of life. And while I have nothing against other writers who have written books about Christian singleness, I sometimes found it hard to take advice in this area from someone who had never experienced a long period of singleness themselves.

I did not want to write something that can be summed up dismissively in the phrase, “It will happen in God’s timing. Trust in him.” While I do trust in God and his timing, there is much more that could be said to single people in this season. I want to express the deep emotions of a long period of singleness. Anyone walking through it knows it is not always sunshine and rainbows. I recognize all the pain, frustration, doubt, fear, and loneliness, and I know the feeling of being left behind as all your friends get married.

The perspective I bring to my book comes from walking through a season of singleness as I wrote it. I don’t have all the answers and as I published my book I had no idea if one day I would ever get married. However, I did know what it looked to walk through this season for a long time (twenty-six years, to be exact) and the beauty that came into my life in the midst of waiting.

I spent over a year searching for answers to the biggest questions for Christians on singleness, dating, and marriage. Questions such as:

“Why am I still single?”

“God, will I ever meet my person?”

“God do you have someone planned for me?”

“How much longer am I going to be in this season?

“God, you know how much I desire marriage. Why is it not happening for me?”

WHO IS THIS BOOK FOR?

This book is for singles, friends and family of singles, and church leaders. It’s a book to help us all learn what it means to trust God with our desires, plans, and future.

My hope for this book is to shine a light on why singleness can be challenging in today’s culture, to dive deep into how to trust God in difficult seasons and offer ways on how singles can thrive while also desiring marriage.

To show people marriage does not equal success and it is not better than being single. It’s just different! To help the church culture be more aware of the wonderful opportunity they have to love and minster to their single friends. They just need to re-evaluate what that looks like at times.

It’s time we stop telling singles one of the below phrases as a way to offer encouragement because if I can be frank…it’s not that helpful and can stink to hear ALL the time.

”It will happen when you least expect it.”

“You need to put yourself out there more.”

“Your standards must be too high. You are being too picky.”

“You need to focus more on God. Jesus is enough. Be content with only you and Jesus, and it will happen in his timing.”

“There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”

Instead, we need to be encouraging singles to tune in to what God is calling them to in this season. We should be encouraging singles to pray God would do his will in their lives during this time. Singles should be encouraged that no matter what season they are in, it should not affect their relationship with God and how they perceive his goodness.

Let’s encourage singles to enjoy this season in other ways than simply telling them it’s a gift. Because if we are being honest, marriage is a gift too and you can’t blame someone for wanting it.

FINAL THOUGHTS

I’m not sure at what point marriage became the epitome of success, with singleness considered “second-string?” Or, at what point our culture began to idolize marriage, believing life starts after you say, “I DO.” Neither of these viewpoints line up with scripture.

When you look to scripture you read where Paul says, “if you can remain single for the kingdom you should.” Let’s also not forget what Jesus said in Matthew 19:12, “...there are eunuchs who have made themselves that way because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who is able to accept it should accept it.”

If you are single, I want to assure you, despite the many opinions and degrading comments you may receive from your family, friends, and culture around you…you are not “second-string!” You are just as successful as your married friends and God can certainly use you to advance His kingdom!

Yes, marriage is a gift, but so is singleness! No matter your relationship status, your calling is the same - to make Jesus’ name known to this broken world (Matt. 28:18–20).

Let’s start encouraging and empowering our single friends just as Jesus did. Let’s begin to shift the narrative from “marriage equals success” to “embracing where God has you equals success.”

This book means so much to me as I wrote it during a challenging time in my life. I created this book for me, and for you, and for anyone navigating uncertainty about their future! I am beyond excited to share it with you! Grab your copy of “Is Being Single a Gift?: Trusting God While Unpacking Hard Truths on Singleness” HERE!