Graham Parke's Blog - Posts Tagged "toes"
What you should probably know about my toes...
I may not like a lot about myself, but I do happen to believe I have great toes. They are extremely shapely; not too long, not too fat, and with good, solid joints. In fact, I’m seriously considering leaving them to science.
I can almost envision enthused scientists, decades from now, marveling over my generosity and my shapeliness of toes:
Scientist #1: “This just came in...”
Scientist #2: “What’s that? It looks like a… bag of toes?”
Scientist #1: “It is. Apparently Graham thought you might, eh, want to take a look.”
Scientist #2: “And then?”
Scientist #1: “Well, he didn't really specify.”
Scientist #2: “Are you serious?”
Scientist #1: “Yes…”
Scientist #2: “You’re bringing me a jiffy bag full of toes?”
Scientist #1: “That’s how they came in.”
Scientist #2: “Are they even sterilized? There’s blood all over the place! And what are those, are those candy wrappers?”
Scientist #1: “The toes are individually wrapped, yes.”
Scientist #2: “Oh man… what’s going on here?”
Scientist #1: “Apparently, he cut them off himself. Just before he passed away. Had a courier rush them over. Asked for you specifically.”
Scientist #2: “He cut off his toes himself?”
Scientist #1: “Wouldn’t trust anyone else to do it. Said you’d understand.”
Scientist #2: “What?”
Scientist #1: “As soon as you’d take a look, you’d understand. Look, I don’t like this any more than you do, but, well, the guy did cut off his toes for you. Least you can do is take a look, right?”
Scientist #2: “I’m not touching those candy wrappers. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever eat candy again!”
Scientist #1: “I can unwrap them, I suppose, but you’ll owe me lunch.”
Scientist #2: “Fine…”
Scientist #1: “For a month.”
Scientist #2: “Okay, okay. Let’s just get this over with!”
Scientist #1: “Here we go. Here’s the first one.”
Scientist #2: “Don’t hand that thing to me, just put it down over there somewhere. No! Damnit, man! Wash the blood off first!”
Scientist #1: “Fine! Here you go, all nice and clean. And here comes the second one…”
Scientist #2: “Say…”
Scientist #1: “Here’s the third. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
Scientist #2: “Who else saw these toes come in?”
Scientist #1: “What do you mean? No one. Just me.”
Scientist #2: “You sure?”
Scientist #1: “Sure I’m sure. For some reason, no-one was interested in a bag of bloody toes, believe me. And stop looking at me like that…”
Scientist #2: “These here are some very, very nice toes.”
Scientist #1: “Well, now I’ve cleaned them off, they don’t look half bad, no.”
Scientist #2: “Are there any tests we can perform? I mean, anything we specifically need toes for instead of, say, fingers?”
Scientist #1: “No, not really. Don’t really need toes. Usually we just throw them out.”
Scientist #2: “Any amputees on the waiting list, people who need toes?”
Scientist #1: “Nope, already checked.”
Scientist #2: “I won’t say anything if you won’t…”
Scientist #1: “About what? What are you doing? What’s that saw for?”
Scientist #2: “I’m keeping these toes, man. They’re so much better than mine. Here, take this syringe, put me under, then swap my toes. We can be done before lunch!”
Scientist #1: “You’re crazy if you think I’m even going to consider doing that!”
Scientist #2: “Come on!”
Scientist #1: “No way!”
Scientist #2: “I’ll finally be able to wear sandals in public, get all the girls I want, look down admiringly in the shower! Don’t take that away from me. Not when I’m so close. Here, take the damn syringe!”
Scientist #1: “No freaking way! First off all, the toes haven’t even been tested yet. Secondly, according to my estimations, at least half of them toes are mine!”
Scientist #2: “What?”
Scientist #1: “You heard me!”
Scientist #2: “They were given to me specifically, didn’t you just say that a minute ago? Graham asked for me specifically?”
Scientist #1: “Yeah, well, all I’m saying is, if you want to keep these toes out of the system, you’d better give me half.”
Scientist #2: “Fine. Have it your way. Half a set of magnificent toes is better than none, I suppose. But how are we going to do this?”
Scientist #1: “I’ll do you, then you do me. We can be done before dinner.”
Scientist #2: “No, I mean, who gets what?”
Scientist #1: “I’ll take the left toes, you take the right toes. My left foot has always been my favorite anyway. Hell of a soccer kick. We have to separate the toes carefully, though. Don’t want to muck up my balance.”
Scientist #2: “Really? That’s your plan? You’re such a moron! I was thinking more along the lines of alternating the toes. You know, every other toe. Three on one foot, two on the other?”
Scientist #1: “Why make it so complicated?”
Scientist #2: “Just think, man! We could end up with two beautiful feet, each! These toes are so fine, they’ll easily overshadow our own toes. No one will ever notice them again! They’ll just see Graham’s toes and go; Aahh…”
Scientist #1: “That’s insane!”
Scientist #2: “And…?”
Scientist #1: “And it might just work! Okay, lay back, here we go!”
Graham's website
I can almost envision enthused scientists, decades from now, marveling over my generosity and my shapeliness of toes:
Scientist #1: “This just came in...”
Scientist #2: “What’s that? It looks like a… bag of toes?”
Scientist #1: “It is. Apparently Graham thought you might, eh, want to take a look.”
Scientist #2: “And then?”
Scientist #1: “Well, he didn't really specify.”
Scientist #2: “Are you serious?”
Scientist #1: “Yes…”
Scientist #2: “You’re bringing me a jiffy bag full of toes?”
Scientist #1: “That’s how they came in.”
Scientist #2: “Are they even sterilized? There’s blood all over the place! And what are those, are those candy wrappers?”
Scientist #1: “The toes are individually wrapped, yes.”
Scientist #2: “Oh man… what’s going on here?”
Scientist #1: “Apparently, he cut them off himself. Just before he passed away. Had a courier rush them over. Asked for you specifically.”
Scientist #2: “He cut off his toes himself?”
Scientist #1: “Wouldn’t trust anyone else to do it. Said you’d understand.”
Scientist #2: “What?”
Scientist #1: “As soon as you’d take a look, you’d understand. Look, I don’t like this any more than you do, but, well, the guy did cut off his toes for you. Least you can do is take a look, right?”
Scientist #2: “I’m not touching those candy wrappers. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever eat candy again!”
Scientist #1: “I can unwrap them, I suppose, but you’ll owe me lunch.”
Scientist #2: “Fine…”
Scientist #1: “For a month.”
Scientist #2: “Okay, okay. Let’s just get this over with!”
Scientist #1: “Here we go. Here’s the first one.”
Scientist #2: “Don’t hand that thing to me, just put it down over there somewhere. No! Damnit, man! Wash the blood off first!”
Scientist #1: “Fine! Here you go, all nice and clean. And here comes the second one…”
Scientist #2: “Say…”
Scientist #1: “Here’s the third. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
Scientist #2: “Who else saw these toes come in?”
Scientist #1: “What do you mean? No one. Just me.”
Scientist #2: “You sure?”
Scientist #1: “Sure I’m sure. For some reason, no-one was interested in a bag of bloody toes, believe me. And stop looking at me like that…”
Scientist #2: “These here are some very, very nice toes.”
Scientist #1: “Well, now I’ve cleaned them off, they don’t look half bad, no.”
Scientist #2: “Are there any tests we can perform? I mean, anything we specifically need toes for instead of, say, fingers?”
Scientist #1: “No, not really. Don’t really need toes. Usually we just throw them out.”
Scientist #2: “Any amputees on the waiting list, people who need toes?”
Scientist #1: “Nope, already checked.”
Scientist #2: “I won’t say anything if you won’t…”
Scientist #1: “About what? What are you doing? What’s that saw for?”
Scientist #2: “I’m keeping these toes, man. They’re so much better than mine. Here, take this syringe, put me under, then swap my toes. We can be done before lunch!”
Scientist #1: “You’re crazy if you think I’m even going to consider doing that!”
Scientist #2: “Come on!”
Scientist #1: “No way!”
Scientist #2: “I’ll finally be able to wear sandals in public, get all the girls I want, look down admiringly in the shower! Don’t take that away from me. Not when I’m so close. Here, take the damn syringe!”
Scientist #1: “No freaking way! First off all, the toes haven’t even been tested yet. Secondly, according to my estimations, at least half of them toes are mine!”
Scientist #2: “What?”
Scientist #1: “You heard me!”
Scientist #2: “They were given to me specifically, didn’t you just say that a minute ago? Graham asked for me specifically?”
Scientist #1: “Yeah, well, all I’m saying is, if you want to keep these toes out of the system, you’d better give me half.”
Scientist #2: “Fine. Have it your way. Half a set of magnificent toes is better than none, I suppose. But how are we going to do this?”
Scientist #1: “I’ll do you, then you do me. We can be done before dinner.”
Scientist #2: “No, I mean, who gets what?”
Scientist #1: “I’ll take the left toes, you take the right toes. My left foot has always been my favorite anyway. Hell of a soccer kick. We have to separate the toes carefully, though. Don’t want to muck up my balance.”
Scientist #2: “Really? That’s your plan? You’re such a moron! I was thinking more along the lines of alternating the toes. You know, every other toe. Three on one foot, two on the other?”
Scientist #1: “Why make it so complicated?”
Scientist #2: “Just think, man! We could end up with two beautiful feet, each! These toes are so fine, they’ll easily overshadow our own toes. No one will ever notice them again! They’ll just see Graham’s toes and go; Aahh…”
Scientist #1: “That’s insane!”
Scientist #2: “And…?”
Scientist #1: “And it might just work! Okay, lay back, here we go!”
Graham's website
Another cover-up at mysterious crash site
I have recently uncovered the last taped conversation of ace reporter Kent Worthington. According to my calculations, it was made a day before his mysterious disappearance, and I dare say it contains some vital clues… (Some names may have been changed to protect my innocence)
Kent: Colonel, what can you say about the reports of an object coming down over the Boswell fields?
Colonel: It appears that a foreign passenger plane has come down.
Kent: So how do you respond to claims that no passenger planes were scheduled to fly over Boswell fields at the time?
Colonel: Eh, well, someone must have lost some paperwork somewhere. Happens all the time.
Kent: Colonel, I feel you are not completely open with me here. If you are going back on your word concerning total disclosure, I’ll hang up and run the story as I have it now.
Colonel: Okay, okay. Look, it's an alien vessel, that’s all I can say. We don't know where it came from exactly, or what it wants, but we know that it is not of this world.
Kent: An alien craft? Really? You must think I'm a moron!
Colonel: Excuse me?
Kent: Do you really think I'm going to print that? Alien craft down in Bosswell fields? Forget it!
Colonel: Well, I'd really rather you didn't print that, but, yes, it's the truth. That's what we're looking at here.
Kent: Colonel, I have it on good authority that the object that went down in Bosswell is in fact a military weather balloon!
Colonel: What? No! I'm telling you the truth, it's a space ship!
Kent: It's a damn weather balloon and you know it!
Colonel: It's not, honest! Look, I can't show you the site, you’d never get clearance, but I can send you some secret documents…
Kent: Colonel, this is a cover-up. I can smell it!
Colonel: Please, whatever you do, don't print the weather balloon story. I implore you!
Kent: I have to. This is simply too big to ignore. A yearly budget of 30 billion and you can't even make a decent weather balloon! The people have a right to know. I mean, how incompetent do have to be, really? It's a damn balloon. Its natural state is being up in the air!
Colonel: There were… unforeseen circumstances.
Kent: My five-year-old can make a balloon that doesn't crash. And he has no budget at all. Can’t even tie his shoes, in fact.
Colonel: Look, it’s not that simple. The balloon has equipment aboard. Then there’s wind speed, thermal dynamics. It’s all rather complicated.
Kent: No, it’s not. It’s nothing that the field of aviation hasn’t already solved a century ago. Here’s your problem, Colonel; NASA can put a man on the moon, send a probe to follow the Haley comet, explore the surface of mars, but the military still has problems keeping a damn balloon a few feet up in the air.
Colonel: It’s a few hundred feet, actually. Look, you don’t know what you’re messing with here. There are important people involved. People who won’t be happy.
Kent: I’ll tell you who won’t be happy. The taxpayers won’t be happy. I'm writing this story!
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