Graham Parke's Blog - Posts Tagged "comedy"
2010's only novel without sexy vampires
Mr. Parke, my editor tells me that you’ve written a book that doesn’t feature a single vampire. Surely this is a miscommunication?
No, that's entirely correct.
So, you mean to say that you've written a self-help book?
No, it’s fiction. It just doesn’t have any vampires.
I’m not sure I understand. Are you telling us it doesn’t actually have a story?
There is a story, it’s just a story about people who are, each and every one of them, not vampires.
So, there are no action scenes, then, and no semi-erotic entanglements?
There are. Just not with vampires.
I have to say, that’s extraordinary. How did you come up with such an original concept?
It just came to me one day. I wrote it down and it worked.
Did you write the story first, and then take out all the vampires?
No. There were no vampires. Ever. Right from the first draft, it was entirely vampire-less.
Amazing. Now, while I applaud your originality on some level, I have to ask; who on earth do you intend to sell this to? Don’t you know that readers want vampires?
I think there are still readers out there who enjoy a good tale, even if it doesn’t have any vampires. Also, readers who enjoy vampire stories might not want to read All vampires, All the time. Sometimes, I suspect, they’ll take a break. That’s where ‘No Hope for Gomez!’ comes in.
Could you tell us something more about the book? For example, how many wizards are there and are they still in high school?
There are no wizards. I can’t stress this enough; No Hope for Gomez! has no wizards, no vampires, no world-weary wise cracking detectives, and no nihilistic characters complaining lengthily about things they supposedly don’t care about.
You are not making a lot of sense right now. Please tell me, weren’t you tempted to put in just one vampire? A little one? Somewhere at the end, maybe?
No. The story really didn’t need any.
I’m so sorry, Graham, I have to cut this interview short. You are obviously delusional and I’m going to make sure you get proper medical attention. Don’t worry, we’ll help you as best we can!
Onward to Part II
2010's only novel without sexy vampires -- part II
Back to the good ol' days of Part I.
Interview #2
Welcome back, Mr. Parke. I hope you’re feeling a little better today?
I feel drowsy…
That’s probably for the best. It means the medication is working. Do you feel we can continue the interview now?
I really don’t feel well.
That’s natural. Don't worry about it. The last time we spoke, you were going to tell us more about your novel. I for one, would like to know about dwarves and elves. How well are they represented in your novel and what do they signify to you?
Why am I tied to this chair?
It’s for your own protection. Now, if you could just try to concentrate. Most authors see dwarves as minor characters, with one obvious exception of course. How do you view this? Are dwarves doomed to play substandard roles in literature from now on?
Who are you?
Mr. Parke, please! Let’s just get through this, okay? I have a life to get back to. Stop playing dumb and stop drooling over my pad! Now, let’s examine some quotes from your novel ‘No Hope for Gomez!’ Maybe you can talk us through them.
“Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors. Further investigation is ongoing.”
“Instead of heading for the big mental breakdown, I decided to have a little one, every Tuesday evening.”
“It felt weird visiting Dr. Hargrove at the clinic. A bit like French kissing an old lady; all the right moves, but in totally the wrong places.”
A very obvious lack of dwarves here, which some might say is a sure sign of substandard writing. Do you have any comments?
I just… the room… it’s spinning so fast…
Maybe a few more quotes will help rouse your brain;
“The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.”
“I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg.
I felt dirty and stupid.”
"Women are attracted to men who play hard to get. That can’t be right, can it? Looking back over my life, I’ve played hard to get almost continuously. I’d ignored women intensely (to the point of being a danger to them in traffic). I’ve ignored them because I assumed I didn’t stand a chance."
Some very good places here for a vampire or two. Yet, you chose to leave these scenes curiously vampire-less. Were you just building up tension? Making the readers wait for the vampires?
Please… just kill me..
I can see we’re not going to get anywhere today, Mr. Parke. I’ll have the nurse come by and increase your medication. I’ll be back tomorrow.
Interview #2
Welcome back, Mr. Parke. I hope you’re feeling a little better today?
I feel drowsy…
That’s probably for the best. It means the medication is working. Do you feel we can continue the interview now?
I really don’t feel well.
That’s natural. Don't worry about it. The last time we spoke, you were going to tell us more about your novel. I for one, would like to know about dwarves and elves. How well are they represented in your novel and what do they signify to you?
Why am I tied to this chair?
It’s for your own protection. Now, if you could just try to concentrate. Most authors see dwarves as minor characters, with one obvious exception of course. How do you view this? Are dwarves doomed to play substandard roles in literature from now on?
Who are you?
Mr. Parke, please! Let’s just get through this, okay? I have a life to get back to. Stop playing dumb and stop drooling over my pad! Now, let’s examine some quotes from your novel ‘No Hope for Gomez!’ Maybe you can talk us through them.
“Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors. Further investigation is ongoing.”
“Instead of heading for the big mental breakdown, I decided to have a little one, every Tuesday evening.”
“It felt weird visiting Dr. Hargrove at the clinic. A bit like French kissing an old lady; all the right moves, but in totally the wrong places.”
A very obvious lack of dwarves here, which some might say is a sure sign of substandard writing. Do you have any comments?
I just… the room… it’s spinning so fast…
Maybe a few more quotes will help rouse your brain;
“The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.”
“I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg.
I felt dirty and stupid.”
"Women are attracted to men who play hard to get. That can’t be right, can it? Looking back over my life, I’ve played hard to get almost continuously. I’d ignored women intensely (to the point of being a danger to them in traffic). I’ve ignored them because I assumed I didn’t stand a chance."
Some very good places here for a vampire or two. Yet, you chose to leave these scenes curiously vampire-less. Were you just building up tension? Making the readers wait for the vampires?
Please… just kill me..
I can see we’re not going to get anywhere today, Mr. Parke. I’ll have the nurse come by and increase your medication. I’ll be back tomorrow.
What you should probably know about my toes...
I may not like a lot about myself, but I do happen to believe I have great toes. They are extremely shapely; not too long, not too fat, and with good, solid joints. In fact, I’m seriously considering leaving them to science.
I can almost envision enthused scientists, decades from now, marveling over my generosity and my shapeliness of toes:
Scientist #1: “This just came in...”
Scientist #2: “What’s that? It looks like a… bag of toes?”
Scientist #1: “It is. Apparently Graham thought you might, eh, want to take a look.”
Scientist #2: “And then?”
Scientist #1: “Well, he didn't really specify.”
Scientist #2: “Are you serious?”
Scientist #1: “Yes…”
Scientist #2: “You’re bringing me a jiffy bag full of toes?”
Scientist #1: “That’s how they came in.”
Scientist #2: “Are they even sterilized? There’s blood all over the place! And what are those, are those candy wrappers?”
Scientist #1: “The toes are individually wrapped, yes.”
Scientist #2: “Oh man… what’s going on here?”
Scientist #1: “Apparently, he cut them off himself. Just before he passed away. Had a courier rush them over. Asked for you specifically.”
Scientist #2: “He cut off his toes himself?”
Scientist #1: “Wouldn’t trust anyone else to do it. Said you’d understand.”
Scientist #2: “What?”
Scientist #1: “As soon as you’d take a look, you’d understand. Look, I don’t like this any more than you do, but, well, the guy did cut off his toes for you. Least you can do is take a look, right?”
Scientist #2: “I’m not touching those candy wrappers. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever eat candy again!”
Scientist #1: “I can unwrap them, I suppose, but you’ll owe me lunch.”
Scientist #2: “Fine…”
Scientist #1: “For a month.”
Scientist #2: “Okay, okay. Let’s just get this over with!”
Scientist #1: “Here we go. Here’s the first one.”
Scientist #2: “Don’t hand that thing to me, just put it down over there somewhere. No! Damnit, man! Wash the blood off first!”
Scientist #1: “Fine! Here you go, all nice and clean. And here comes the second one…”
Scientist #2: “Say…”
Scientist #1: “Here’s the third. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
Scientist #2: “Who else saw these toes come in?”
Scientist #1: “What do you mean? No one. Just me.”
Scientist #2: “You sure?”
Scientist #1: “Sure I’m sure. For some reason, no-one was interested in a bag of bloody toes, believe me. And stop looking at me like that…”
Scientist #2: “These here are some very, very nice toes.”
Scientist #1: “Well, now I’ve cleaned them off, they don’t look half bad, no.”
Scientist #2: “Are there any tests we can perform? I mean, anything we specifically need toes for instead of, say, fingers?”
Scientist #1: “No, not really. Don’t really need toes. Usually we just throw them out.”
Scientist #2: “Any amputees on the waiting list, people who need toes?”
Scientist #1: “Nope, already checked.”
Scientist #2: “I won’t say anything if you won’t…”
Scientist #1: “About what? What are you doing? What’s that saw for?”
Scientist #2: “I’m keeping these toes, man. They’re so much better than mine. Here, take this syringe, put me under, then swap my toes. We can be done before lunch!”
Scientist #1: “You’re crazy if you think I’m even going to consider doing that!”
Scientist #2: “Come on!”
Scientist #1: “No way!”
Scientist #2: “I’ll finally be able to wear sandals in public, get all the girls I want, look down admiringly in the shower! Don’t take that away from me. Not when I’m so close. Here, take the damn syringe!”
Scientist #1: “No freaking way! First off all, the toes haven’t even been tested yet. Secondly, according to my estimations, at least half of them toes are mine!”
Scientist #2: “What?”
Scientist #1: “You heard me!”
Scientist #2: “They were given to me specifically, didn’t you just say that a minute ago? Graham asked for me specifically?”
Scientist #1: “Yeah, well, all I’m saying is, if you want to keep these toes out of the system, you’d better give me half.”
Scientist #2: “Fine. Have it your way. Half a set of magnificent toes is better than none, I suppose. But how are we going to do this?”
Scientist #1: “I’ll do you, then you do me. We can be done before dinner.”
Scientist #2: “No, I mean, who gets what?”
Scientist #1: “I’ll take the left toes, you take the right toes. My left foot has always been my favorite anyway. Hell of a soccer kick. We have to separate the toes carefully, though. Don’t want to muck up my balance.”
Scientist #2: “Really? That’s your plan? You’re such a moron! I was thinking more along the lines of alternating the toes. You know, every other toe. Three on one foot, two on the other?”
Scientist #1: “Why make it so complicated?”
Scientist #2: “Just think, man! We could end up with two beautiful feet, each! These toes are so fine, they’ll easily overshadow our own toes. No one will ever notice them again! They’ll just see Graham’s toes and go; Aahh…”
Scientist #1: “That’s insane!”
Scientist #2: “And…?”
Scientist #1: “And it might just work! Okay, lay back, here we go!”
Graham's website
I can almost envision enthused scientists, decades from now, marveling over my generosity and my shapeliness of toes:
Scientist #1: “This just came in...”
Scientist #2: “What’s that? It looks like a… bag of toes?”
Scientist #1: “It is. Apparently Graham thought you might, eh, want to take a look.”
Scientist #2: “And then?”
Scientist #1: “Well, he didn't really specify.”
Scientist #2: “Are you serious?”
Scientist #1: “Yes…”
Scientist #2: “You’re bringing me a jiffy bag full of toes?”
Scientist #1: “That’s how they came in.”
Scientist #2: “Are they even sterilized? There’s blood all over the place! And what are those, are those candy wrappers?”
Scientist #1: “The toes are individually wrapped, yes.”
Scientist #2: “Oh man… what’s going on here?”
Scientist #1: “Apparently, he cut them off himself. Just before he passed away. Had a courier rush them over. Asked for you specifically.”
Scientist #2: “He cut off his toes himself?”
Scientist #1: “Wouldn’t trust anyone else to do it. Said you’d understand.”
Scientist #2: “What?”
Scientist #1: “As soon as you’d take a look, you’d understand. Look, I don’t like this any more than you do, but, well, the guy did cut off his toes for you. Least you can do is take a look, right?”
Scientist #2: “I’m not touching those candy wrappers. In fact, I don’t think I’ll ever eat candy again!”
Scientist #1: “I can unwrap them, I suppose, but you’ll owe me lunch.”
Scientist #2: “Fine…”
Scientist #1: “For a month.”
Scientist #2: “Okay, okay. Let’s just get this over with!”
Scientist #1: “Here we go. Here’s the first one.”
Scientist #2: “Don’t hand that thing to me, just put it down over there somewhere. No! Damnit, man! Wash the blood off first!”
Scientist #1: “Fine! Here you go, all nice and clean. And here comes the second one…”
Scientist #2: “Say…”
Scientist #1: “Here’s the third. What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
Scientist #2: “Who else saw these toes come in?”
Scientist #1: “What do you mean? No one. Just me.”
Scientist #2: “You sure?”
Scientist #1: “Sure I’m sure. For some reason, no-one was interested in a bag of bloody toes, believe me. And stop looking at me like that…”
Scientist #2: “These here are some very, very nice toes.”
Scientist #1: “Well, now I’ve cleaned them off, they don’t look half bad, no.”
Scientist #2: “Are there any tests we can perform? I mean, anything we specifically need toes for instead of, say, fingers?”
Scientist #1: “No, not really. Don’t really need toes. Usually we just throw them out.”
Scientist #2: “Any amputees on the waiting list, people who need toes?”
Scientist #1: “Nope, already checked.”
Scientist #2: “I won’t say anything if you won’t…”
Scientist #1: “About what? What are you doing? What’s that saw for?”
Scientist #2: “I’m keeping these toes, man. They’re so much better than mine. Here, take this syringe, put me under, then swap my toes. We can be done before lunch!”
Scientist #1: “You’re crazy if you think I’m even going to consider doing that!”
Scientist #2: “Come on!”
Scientist #1: “No way!”
Scientist #2: “I’ll finally be able to wear sandals in public, get all the girls I want, look down admiringly in the shower! Don’t take that away from me. Not when I’m so close. Here, take the damn syringe!”
Scientist #1: “No freaking way! First off all, the toes haven’t even been tested yet. Secondly, according to my estimations, at least half of them toes are mine!”
Scientist #2: “What?”
Scientist #1: “You heard me!”
Scientist #2: “They were given to me specifically, didn’t you just say that a minute ago? Graham asked for me specifically?”
Scientist #1: “Yeah, well, all I’m saying is, if you want to keep these toes out of the system, you’d better give me half.”
Scientist #2: “Fine. Have it your way. Half a set of magnificent toes is better than none, I suppose. But how are we going to do this?”
Scientist #1: “I’ll do you, then you do me. We can be done before dinner.”
Scientist #2: “No, I mean, who gets what?”
Scientist #1: “I’ll take the left toes, you take the right toes. My left foot has always been my favorite anyway. Hell of a soccer kick. We have to separate the toes carefully, though. Don’t want to muck up my balance.”
Scientist #2: “Really? That’s your plan? You’re such a moron! I was thinking more along the lines of alternating the toes. You know, every other toe. Three on one foot, two on the other?”
Scientist #1: “Why make it so complicated?”
Scientist #2: “Just think, man! We could end up with two beautiful feet, each! These toes are so fine, they’ll easily overshadow our own toes. No one will ever notice them again! They’ll just see Graham’s toes and go; Aahh…”
Scientist #1: “That’s insane!”
Scientist #2: “And…?”
Scientist #1: “And it might just work! Okay, lay back, here we go!”
Graham's website
The Science of Bad Luck
I’ve always been fascinated with bad luck.
Is it merely noticing the bad more than the good? Is it that we fret longer over coincidences we don’t like? Do we attract it like some kind of self-fulfilling prophesy? Or is there, as I’ve come to suspect, something far more sinister going on?
My fascination with bad luck heightened while I was writing my latest novel, ‘No Hope for Gomez!’ The main character, Gomez, for reasons unbeknownst to me at the time, decided to put his bad luck to a quantifiable test. He wanted to find out exactly how his bad luck was dosed, and what brought it on. Now here was an interesting notion. One I hadn’t actually thought of myself. So, for a few days, I let this idea stew and ferment at the back of my mind. Then, one night, I awoke with a workable test fully formed in my mind. It was a crazy test, of course. It was insane. It was like trying to lay bare the intricate machinery of the Universe. But it could be done.
At the time, I was working for a company that had its own research department. Our researchers were people who had been hired specifically to come up with interesting (cheap) answers to strange (expensive) problems. They were good at thinking outside the box, and highly adept at building (cheap) models and (inexpensive) work-arounds. So, the following day, I lured one of our researchers away from his desk with the promise of coffee and interesting banter. This in itself was an accomplishment, as researchers always want to try one more thing before leaving their desks. They, in fact, continue to try one more thing right up until the moment the security guards throw them out of the building at night. Anyway, I carefully explained to this researcher my hypothesis (the Universe is inherently evil and some people get dealt more bad luck than others) and I stipulated the test I wanted to perform to prove this.
Read the entire Post on Story Beyond the Book.
No Hope for Gomez!
Free give-away NoDate:
Is it merely noticing the bad more than the good? Is it that we fret longer over coincidences we don’t like? Do we attract it like some kind of self-fulfilling prophesy? Or is there, as I’ve come to suspect, something far more sinister going on?
My fascination with bad luck heightened while I was writing my latest novel, ‘No Hope for Gomez!’ The main character, Gomez, for reasons unbeknownst to me at the time, decided to put his bad luck to a quantifiable test. He wanted to find out exactly how his bad luck was dosed, and what brought it on. Now here was an interesting notion. One I hadn’t actually thought of myself. So, for a few days, I let this idea stew and ferment at the back of my mind. Then, one night, I awoke with a workable test fully formed in my mind. It was a crazy test, of course. It was insane. It was like trying to lay bare the intricate machinery of the Universe. But it could be done.
At the time, I was working for a company that had its own research department. Our researchers were people who had been hired specifically to come up with interesting (cheap) answers to strange (expensive) problems. They were good at thinking outside the box, and highly adept at building (cheap) models and (inexpensive) work-arounds. So, the following day, I lured one of our researchers away from his desk with the promise of coffee and interesting banter. This in itself was an accomplishment, as researchers always want to try one more thing before leaving their desks. They, in fact, continue to try one more thing right up until the moment the security guards throw them out of the building at night. Anyway, I carefully explained to this researcher my hypothesis (the Universe is inherently evil and some people get dealt more bad luck than others) and I stipulated the test I wanted to perform to prove this.
Read the entire Post on Story Beyond the Book.
No Hope for Gomez!
Free give-away NoDate:
Ausies Rock!
Publishing is a difficult business at the best of times and, as you know, few authors ever make it without at least one glowing Australian review. Here now is my first Australian review. Fingers crossed!
"It was so much fun and a complete joy to read Graham’s book, and interview answers! [...:] I had to stop myself from snorting with laughter in public a couple of times."
"No hope for Gomez!, written by Graham Parke, is a brilliantly funny look into the life of an average guy, living an average life, except for the fact he’s part of a mysterious drug trail that may or may not have deadly side effects [...:] Gomez takes most of this in stride, and continues along the path of true love with the sexy Dr Hargrove by agreeing to become her ’stalker-stalker’. Through reading Gomez’s online blog, we are given a very intimate rollercoaster ride through his life, and, to be honest, I’m still not sure where exactly where I am after getting off it! It was worth every twist and turn, though."
Read the review and interview on Open Book Society.
No Hope for Gomez!
Free give-away NoDate:
"It was so much fun and a complete joy to read Graham’s book, and interview answers! [...:] I had to stop myself from snorting with laughter in public a couple of times."
"No hope for Gomez!, written by Graham Parke, is a brilliantly funny look into the life of an average guy, living an average life, except for the fact he’s part of a mysterious drug trail that may or may not have deadly side effects [...:] Gomez takes most of this in stride, and continues along the path of true love with the sexy Dr Hargrove by agreeing to become her ’stalker-stalker’. Through reading Gomez’s online blog, we are given a very intimate rollercoaster ride through his life, and, to be honest, I’m still not sure where exactly where I am after getting off it! It was worth every twist and turn, though."
Read the review and interview on Open Book Society.
No Hope for Gomez!
Free give-away NoDate:
Delusions of Plot and Character
OBS: For me, your secondary characters- particularly Hicks, Warren and the Sombrero guy- bring an almost otherworldly, fantastical feel to the story – what were your influences to create those characters?
Graham Parke: I think that’s life, really. I am often amazed by what life decides to do to me and how it circumvents any plans I’m making with terrifying ease. The things these characters do to Gomez, that’s how I feel most of the time; bewildered and wanting to pull someone on the sleeve to ask, “Okay, so, what was that all about?”
OBS: The way you keep the reader on their toes, trying to decipher what is reality and what is fantasy, is amazing – did you have a clear vision of how this story would end? Or were you dragged along for the ride as well?
Graham Parke: I had a vague idea when I started. I knew bits from the beginning, the middle, and the end. I wasn’t too sure how I would get from one to the other, though. And, as it turns out, what little I knew was wrong anyway.
As soon as the beginning of a tale gets more detail, you gain a better understanding of the middle. As soon as the middle gets more detail, you realize why the ending will never work. In any way, shape, or form. I’ve come to believe that the only real value in thinking you know where a story is headed, is the delusion that you have an ending to fall back on if the real one fails to reveal itself.
Read the entire interview on Open Book Society.
No Hope for Gomez!
Free give-away NoDate:
Graham Parke: I think that’s life, really. I am often amazed by what life decides to do to me and how it circumvents any plans I’m making with terrifying ease. The things these characters do to Gomez, that’s how I feel most of the time; bewildered and wanting to pull someone on the sleeve to ask, “Okay, so, what was that all about?”
OBS: The way you keep the reader on their toes, trying to decipher what is reality and what is fantasy, is amazing – did you have a clear vision of how this story would end? Or were you dragged along for the ride as well?
Graham Parke: I had a vague idea when I started. I knew bits from the beginning, the middle, and the end. I wasn’t too sure how I would get from one to the other, though. And, as it turns out, what little I knew was wrong anyway.
As soon as the beginning of a tale gets more detail, you gain a better understanding of the middle. As soon as the middle gets more detail, you realize why the ending will never work. In any way, shape, or form. I’ve come to believe that the only real value in thinking you know where a story is headed, is the delusion that you have an ending to fall back on if the real one fails to reveal itself.
Read the entire interview on Open Book Society.
No Hope for Gomez!
Free give-away NoDate:
If you like this book, you might also like… a couple of women??
I’m all for suggestions. My life would be far less interesting if not for the constant suggestions I receive about getting up in the morning.
Amazon enriches my life by making hundreds of irrelevant reading suggestions for me to sift through in search of that one little gem (think of it as the Amazon Easter Hunt). But none of these suggestions can top the auto generated one – I presume – that I discovered under my latest interview. The way the page is set up, it seems to suggest that, after the reader picks up a copy of my novel, they might also enjoy a couple of women. It even shows selected pictures.
Of course, if I was less of an insensitive bastard, I might assume that these are actually author pictures and that the site is merely suggesting checking out their novels. But, as I’m not, and we clearly see women and not book covers, I will assume no such thing. Assumptions can be dangerous.
So, instead, I worry about how these suggestions are generated. Are these women selected according to carefully weighed criteria? I mean, not every woman goes equally well with each book, right? I don’t want readers to be put off my book simply because the woman they got with it was too winy. Or wore too much makeup. Or forgot to put the toilet seat back up. Similarly, I don’t think I’d want these women to be too spectacular. There has to be some balance. I mean, who’s going to read a book when there’s a spectacular women waiting for them to put it down?
This new trend has me very worried.
Find the interview here.
Amazon enriches my life by making hundreds of irrelevant reading suggestions for me to sift through in search of that one little gem (think of it as the Amazon Easter Hunt). But none of these suggestions can top the auto generated one – I presume – that I discovered under my latest interview. The way the page is set up, it seems to suggest that, after the reader picks up a copy of my novel, they might also enjoy a couple of women. It even shows selected pictures.
Of course, if I was less of an insensitive bastard, I might assume that these are actually author pictures and that the site is merely suggesting checking out their novels. But, as I’m not, and we clearly see women and not book covers, I will assume no such thing. Assumptions can be dangerous.
So, instead, I worry about how these suggestions are generated. Are these women selected according to carefully weighed criteria? I mean, not every woman goes equally well with each book, right? I don’t want readers to be put off my book simply because the woman they got with it was too winy. Or wore too much makeup. Or forgot to put the toilet seat back up. Similarly, I don’t think I’d want these women to be too spectacular. There has to be some balance. I mean, who’s going to read a book when there’s a spectacular women waiting for them to put it down?
This new trend has me very worried.
Find the interview here.
The Mysterious Case of the Crocodile and the Badman...
[image error]What was my three-year old's reaction when daddy waved his oddly picture-less book in his face? That colorless waste of ground-up trees so utterly devoid of speaking animals, fairies, and animal-saving teenagers? Damian's reaction to No Hope for Gomez! was this: he pointed at the book and said, quite seriously, 'Bad man!'
Some explanation is needed here. Firstly, the fact that Damian spoke up in English at all was interesting. The little guy basically has a choice of four languages. There's Dutch, which he speaks at day care. There's Serbian, which he uses to communicate with his mother. There's English, which he uses to communicate with his father. And then there's that fourth language, the one he is actually fluent in. (Sadly, he is also the only person to speak this unnamed language in our known universe, which is probably why he uses it mostly when talking to himself, and when he wants to end phone conversations with his grandparents.)
Secondly, I'd made the mistake of choosing a prime piece of real-estate, time wise, to connect with my son. Dora Explorer had just started. And TV is a powerful force, especially when Dora is at it. This, by the way, was the Dutch version, where Dora Explorer teaches the viewers Dutch and English (not the English version, where she teaches English and Spanish – what a wasted torrent that was, luckily we found out in time before the culmination of languages blew up Damian's brain).
And, lastly, the reader should know that many things can, in fact, be "Badman". From the witch in Snow White, to the invisible foe who tries to steal Damian's pacifier when he's drinking his milk.
(Edit: That particular Badman has since managed to make all pacifiers disappear from our home. Both Damian and I suspect he may have been aided by a crocodile. If you have any information, please contact your local writer’s association!)
However, the Badman referred to in this instance, I discovered with relief, was not daddy for writing a book without pictures and then bothering people about it during Dora Explorer. It was also not the book itself. It was in fact the image of the Worrier on the front cover, created by C. Rodriguez Vega. This Worrior is somewhat of a homage to Rodin's thinker, only with an even less sunny disposition. He sits on a rock and holds his head, worrying. And, if you look close enough, you can see that he is indeed a bit of a Badman!
Click here for a close look at the cover
Some explanation is needed here. Firstly, the fact that Damian spoke up in English at all was interesting. The little guy basically has a choice of four languages. There's Dutch, which he speaks at day care. There's Serbian, which he uses to communicate with his mother. There's English, which he uses to communicate with his father. And then there's that fourth language, the one he is actually fluent in. (Sadly, he is also the only person to speak this unnamed language in our known universe, which is probably why he uses it mostly when talking to himself, and when he wants to end phone conversations with his grandparents.)
Secondly, I'd made the mistake of choosing a prime piece of real-estate, time wise, to connect with my son. Dora Explorer had just started. And TV is a powerful force, especially when Dora is at it. This, by the way, was the Dutch version, where Dora Explorer teaches the viewers Dutch and English (not the English version, where she teaches English and Spanish – what a wasted torrent that was, luckily we found out in time before the culmination of languages blew up Damian's brain).
And, lastly, the reader should know that many things can, in fact, be "Badman". From the witch in Snow White, to the invisible foe who tries to steal Damian's pacifier when he's drinking his milk.
(Edit: That particular Badman has since managed to make all pacifiers disappear from our home. Both Damian and I suspect he may have been aided by a crocodile. If you have any information, please contact your local writer’s association!)
However, the Badman referred to in this instance, I discovered with relief, was not daddy for writing a book without pictures and then bothering people about it during Dora Explorer. It was also not the book itself. It was in fact the image of the Worrier on the front cover, created by C. Rodriguez Vega. This Worrior is somewhat of a homage to Rodin's thinker, only with an even less sunny disposition. He sits on a rock and holds his head, worrying. And, if you look close enough, you can see that he is indeed a bit of a Badman!
Click here for a close look at the cover
Evil Link Blaring Subconscious...
Yes, it’s true. It’s finally over. Most of you will be relieved, after all, only one of you was unlucky enough to win a copy of No Hope for Gomez!, the novel responsible for much confusion, anguish, and mental disalignment. But, it’s not all good news. Not by a long shot. I write this blog today as a warning. Danger is ever present. A select few of you might think themselves bold rebel dare devils, and go out and buy my novel. I implore you not to. Please. You’ll only be encouraging me to write more, and who wants that on their conscience, really? Just be happy you dodged the bullet this time.
In fact, you should probably stop reading this blog right now. I don’t enjoy telling people what to do, but, really, it would be best. Down below, I’ve put some links. (Yes, my subconscious is an evil moron – it still believes the novel will make you happy!) Only two or three careless clicks will put you in accidental possession of the novel! It’s unlikely. It’s never happened to you before, I’m sure. But why take that chance? Why are you still reading this??
Okay. Fine. You are a rebel. And you are bold. And yes, I see a bit of dare devil in you, too.
Well, let me do this one little thing for you, then. Let me limit the risk. Here now, for 1 day only, is another chance to win a free copy. I’m not selling crack here, I just know that yet again most of you will be saved. I’m sacrificing one of you rebel bold dare devils to save the rest. It’s the least I can do. And I’m all about doing the absolute least I can do.
Don’t click here to read bits of the novel!
Don’t click here to read a far too detailed description of the novel!
And whatever you do, don't click here!!!
Addendum: All give-aways are now closed. The world is just a little bit safer for everyone, except Bunkie68 and Zoila...
When Meeting a Girl in a Hallway?
"Ran into Gretchen in the hallway. My head was buzzing with thoughts, but when I looked into those hazel eyes, everything went quiet. It was like a power outage in my brain. All synaptic activity slowed and my inner voice went dead. In fact, I wasn’t even entirely sure I was still there.
I could remember talking to people. Knowing the kinds of things one said in polite conversation. I could remember making people think and laugh. But, at that very moment, I couldn't put my finger on any of the words one might use when running into a fellow human being in a hallway.
Gretchen smiled and said, “Hi!”
Which was one of the words one might use.
“How are you doing today?”
Which, I now recalled, was a bunch of others."
Read the contest associated with this excerpt of my novelette.
But, whatever you do, don't click here!
