Graham Parke's Blog - Posts Tagged "vampire"
2010's only novel without sexy vampires
Mr. Parke, my editor tells me that you’ve written a book that doesn’t feature a single vampire. Surely this is a miscommunication?
No, that's entirely correct.
So, you mean to say that you've written a self-help book?
No, it’s fiction. It just doesn’t have any vampires.
I’m not sure I understand. Are you telling us it doesn’t actually have a story?
There is a story, it’s just a story about people who are, each and every one of them, not vampires.
So, there are no action scenes, then, and no semi-erotic entanglements?
There are. Just not with vampires.
I have to say, that’s extraordinary. How did you come up with such an original concept?
It just came to me one day. I wrote it down and it worked.
Did you write the story first, and then take out all the vampires?
No. There were no vampires. Ever. Right from the first draft, it was entirely vampire-less.
Amazing. Now, while I applaud your originality on some level, I have to ask; who on earth do you intend to sell this to? Don’t you know that readers want vampires?
I think there are still readers out there who enjoy a good tale, even if it doesn’t have any vampires. Also, readers who enjoy vampire stories might not want to read All vampires, All the time. Sometimes, I suspect, they’ll take a break. That’s where ‘No Hope for Gomez!’ comes in.
Could you tell us something more about the book? For example, how many wizards are there and are they still in high school?
There are no wizards. I can’t stress this enough; No Hope for Gomez! has no wizards, no vampires, no world-weary wise cracking detectives, and no nihilistic characters complaining lengthily about things they supposedly don’t care about.
You are not making a lot of sense right now. Please tell me, weren’t you tempted to put in just one vampire? A little one? Somewhere at the end, maybe?
No. The story really didn’t need any.
I’m so sorry, Graham, I have to cut this interview short. You are obviously delusional and I’m going to make sure you get proper medical attention. Don’t worry, we’ll help you as best we can!
Onward to Part II
2010's only novel without sexy vampires -- part II
Back to the good ol' days of Part I.
Interview #2
Welcome back, Mr. Parke. I hope you’re feeling a little better today?
I feel drowsy…
That’s probably for the best. It means the medication is working. Do you feel we can continue the interview now?
I really don’t feel well.
That’s natural. Don't worry about it. The last time we spoke, you were going to tell us more about your novel. I for one, would like to know about dwarves and elves. How well are they represented in your novel and what do they signify to you?
Why am I tied to this chair?
It’s for your own protection. Now, if you could just try to concentrate. Most authors see dwarves as minor characters, with one obvious exception of course. How do you view this? Are dwarves doomed to play substandard roles in literature from now on?
Who are you?
Mr. Parke, please! Let’s just get through this, okay? I have a life to get back to. Stop playing dumb and stop drooling over my pad! Now, let’s examine some quotes from your novel ‘No Hope for Gomez!’ Maybe you can talk us through them.
“Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors. Further investigation is ongoing.”
“Instead of heading for the big mental breakdown, I decided to have a little one, every Tuesday evening.”
“It felt weird visiting Dr. Hargrove at the clinic. A bit like French kissing an old lady; all the right moves, but in totally the wrong places.”
A very obvious lack of dwarves here, which some might say is a sure sign of substandard writing. Do you have any comments?
I just… the room… it’s spinning so fast…
Maybe a few more quotes will help rouse your brain;
“The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.”
“I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg.
I felt dirty and stupid.”
"Women are attracted to men who play hard to get. That can’t be right, can it? Looking back over my life, I’ve played hard to get almost continuously. I’d ignored women intensely (to the point of being a danger to them in traffic). I’ve ignored them because I assumed I didn’t stand a chance."
Some very good places here for a vampire or two. Yet, you chose to leave these scenes curiously vampire-less. Were you just building up tension? Making the readers wait for the vampires?
Please… just kill me..
I can see we’re not going to get anywhere today, Mr. Parke. I’ll have the nurse come by and increase your medication. I’ll be back tomorrow.
Interview #2
Welcome back, Mr. Parke. I hope you’re feeling a little better today?
I feel drowsy…
That’s probably for the best. It means the medication is working. Do you feel we can continue the interview now?
I really don’t feel well.
That’s natural. Don't worry about it. The last time we spoke, you were going to tell us more about your novel. I for one, would like to know about dwarves and elves. How well are they represented in your novel and what do they signify to you?
Why am I tied to this chair?
It’s for your own protection. Now, if you could just try to concentrate. Most authors see dwarves as minor characters, with one obvious exception of course. How do you view this? Are dwarves doomed to play substandard roles in literature from now on?
Who are you?
Mr. Parke, please! Let’s just get through this, okay? I have a life to get back to. Stop playing dumb and stop drooling over my pad! Now, let’s examine some quotes from your novel ‘No Hope for Gomez!’ Maybe you can talk us through them.
“Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors. Further investigation is ongoing.”
“Instead of heading for the big mental breakdown, I decided to have a little one, every Tuesday evening.”
“It felt weird visiting Dr. Hargrove at the clinic. A bit like French kissing an old lady; all the right moves, but in totally the wrong places.”
A very obvious lack of dwarves here, which some might say is a sure sign of substandard writing. Do you have any comments?
I just… the room… it’s spinning so fast…
Maybe a few more quotes will help rouse your brain;
“The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.”
“I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg.
I felt dirty and stupid.”
"Women are attracted to men who play hard to get. That can’t be right, can it? Looking back over my life, I’ve played hard to get almost continuously. I’d ignored women intensely (to the point of being a danger to them in traffic). I’ve ignored them because I assumed I didn’t stand a chance."
Some very good places here for a vampire or two. Yet, you chose to leave these scenes curiously vampire-less. Were you just building up tension? Making the readers wait for the vampires?
Please… just kill me..
I can see we’re not going to get anywhere today, Mr. Parke. I’ll have the nurse come by and increase your medication. I’ll be back tomorrow.
