Gregg Michaelsen's Blog

Every now and then, you hear references to the concept of a twin flame, so I thought it was time to uncover the signs of a twin flame.

What is a Twin Flame?

Let’s first get on the same page by defining what a twin flame is.

According to Medical News Today, a twin flame is a concept that promotes an intense and powerful soul connection between two people.

The idea of a twin flame is relatively new. Sometimes, people use the term mirror souls to describe this perceived phenomenon.

Signs of a twin flame include what’s often described as a soul connection between two people who are thought to be one another’s ‘other half.’

The term was first coined by Elizabeth Clare Prophet, who was the leader and founder of a New Age religious organization called The Church Universal and Triumphant (CUT). Additionally, Prophet published a book Soul Mates and Twin Flames: The Spiritual Dimension of Love and Relationships.

But Ms. Prophet was not truly the originator of the concept, which can be traced back to the fifth century B.C. Greek mythology.

According to this mythology, humans originally had one head with two faces, and two pair of arms, two pair of legs. Zeus, however, felt they were too powerful and consequently split them into two separate beings, destined to spend the remainder of their lives searching for that other half.

Signs of a Twin Flame

The connection experienced in a twin flame encounter is often described as deeply spiritual and intense. People say the bond often has an immediate sense of recognition, unconditional love, and profound transformation. Let’s dig more into what the signs of a twin flame might be.

Instant Recognition and Familiarity

Some say that meeting their twin flame feels like they’ve come home. They state feeling an instant and undeniable bond with them. It’s as if you’ve known them before.

Some use the term déjà vu while others describe it more as a recognition at a deep knowing soul level.

While I said instant above, it might not always be instant. Your connection may be years old with the connection only becoming apparent when there is a physical connection.

If you haven’t known this person for a long time, it sure feels like you have.

Mirroring and Shared Experiences

As you get to know one another, you may discover that you’ve had similar experiences in the past. You may also share things like:

ValuesPersonality traitsMirroring one another’s behaviors and emotionsPersonal growthLife events, like job changes, moves, romantic relationshipsLife goals

Mirroring isn’t just about the positives either. Those who believe they are twin flams may see hidden aspects of themselves in their twin flame, including strengths, weaknesses, and unresolved wounds.

Signs of a Twin Flame: Strong Sense of Connection

These connections are not always romantic. Sometimes, it’s a platonic, familial, or professional connection.

Whatever that connection, you feel a strong pull to one another; a sense of belonging and yearning.

It’s said that twin flames are bound by mind, body, and soul. It’s like a spark or energy that may even cause you feel that you need or crave the other person.

You Feel Like You Already Know This Person

It may feel like the twin flame is the piece of yourself that’s always been missing. The deep sense of familiarity you feel with this person helps you feel safe when you’re together.

You might even feel as if you know this person already, perhaps from this life or a past one.

This feeling is unexplainable, and it goes beyond any explanation of time and logic.

Signs of a Twin Flame: You Have a Spiritual Awakening

Sometimes when you meet your twin flame, the connection leads you to a deeper understanding of yourself.

You may even have a shift in consciousness which can be a trigger for your own personal transformation.

Sometimes, the healing work may require you to separate yourself from your twin flame for a while so you can do the work.

A twin flame can often be a mirror, showing you your own strengths and weaknesses.

Complementary Traits

Some things about you will be different, but when that happens, those differences will complement one another, which will bring balance to your relationship.

These differences also provide you with the opportunity for mutual growth and the ability to reach a higher self.

An example is if one of you is more introverted while the other is outgoing. You will each nudge one another toward your more natural selves, allowing you to shift toward their character traits and vice versa. The introverted person will be encouraged to be more outgoing while the more outgoing one will learn to stay in sometimes.

The complementary traits won’t cause difficulty between you, so don’t worry about that. Instead, the parts of yourself that you often avoid or secretly dislike will be challenged, helping you integrate them into your life anyway.

Energy, Synchronicity, and Telepathy

Some twin flames might feel as if you’re telepathically connected in some way. It may seem as if you’re receiving feelings or thoughts from your twin flame. Some twin flames even dream about one another.

When your twin flame isn’t around, you may still feel the energy of them, as if they’re present but you can’t see them.

And finally, some twin flames experience what they call meaningful coincidences and a sense of things happening just when they should.

Sexual Tension

Many believe that the twin flame is not a platonic relationship – that it’s completely romantic, so you may experience some serious sexual tension.

If you feel like this is a friend zone relationship, it’s not a twin flame.

You Meet When You Least Expect It

Twin flames aren’t arranged dates, like from a dating site. It’s more like you feel you were in the same place as your twin flame for the sole purpose of meeting that person.

Call it divine intervention or whatever you want to call it, but for some reason you and your twin flame ended up at the same place and at the same time.

Before you met this person, you probably felt like you were going to meet someone when you went there.

Your Lives Have Some Parallels

It isn’t that you’ve lived identical lives, but more that you’ve had similar experiences, like a loss of someone close, experienced a sense of freedom, or any other life experience.

It’s about the energy behind the events, not so much the specifics of the event itself.

Signs of a Twin Flame Wrap Up

The notion of a twin flame has been around for thousands of years, going back to Greek mythology, however, it’s a concept that’s still around today.

Do you think you’ve met your twin flame? Have you seen some or most of the signs above in your own life?

If you believe in this concept, then chances are that if you haven’t found your twin flame yet, he’s still out there somewhere. All you have to do is follow your gut, which will one day lead you to him.

The post What are the Signs of a Twin Flame? appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

Mike, already once divorced, thought he had found himself the perfect woman in Jolene. She was energetic, kind, and seemed to have a big heart. In addition, she had a young son with autism who lit up something inside of Mike, who had three children of his own.

After dating for quite some time, Mike decided it was time to propose. The only problem was that his children and family could see Jolene for who she was, and Mike couldn’t.

Jolene was being manipulative in a relationship, and the victim was an unsuspecting Mike, who rarely saw the bad in anyone.

As time drew closer to their pending wedding, which was small, and to be in their small home, Jolene became even more of the woman his family saw.

She threatened suicide if the wedding didn’t happen and feyned illness. Additionally, she claimed an undying need for Mike to remain in her life.

The odd thing was that Mike wasn’t balking – he was all in. Never a hesitation about the wedding. But her behavior persisted, right up until wedding day.

Mike and Jolene are still married, although not happily. Unfortunately, Mike has developed serious health issues and really cannot leave. His physical handicaps prevent him from holding many jobs, and he was laid off in a massive, big corporate layoff more than a year ago.

Relationship Red Flags

So, what happened? What does it look like to be manipulative in a relationship? How can you get out of a relationship like this? All those answers and more…

What Does it Mean to be Manipulative in a Relationship?

Sometimes, like in the case of Mike above, we cannot see the forest for the trees, as they say. We cannot see what’s right in front of us, either because we don’t want to see that we could be so very wrong about someone, or because we fear that if we lose this relationship, there will be no other.

Here are some signs of a manipulative relationship.

You See Signs of Control and Exploitation

The intention of someone who is manipulative in a relationship is to control the other person and have the power to get what they want.

A master manipulator learns the weaknesses of their partner and uses those against you to get what they want from you or the relationship.

As long as their tactics work, the manipulation will continue.

How does the manipulated person feel? Someone who is being manipulated in a relationship will have a sense of being emotionally drained, anxious, fearful, doubtful of their own needs, thoughts and feelings.

There is Emotional and Psychological Abuse

These are signs of things that nobody wants to believe they’re susceptible to, and yet, we all can be.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term that goes all the way back to a movie from the 1940’s in which a husband tinkers with the gaslights of their home, telling his wife that nothing is going on when clearly, she can see the lights dimming. He was attempting to get his wife to question her sanity.

The term has been adopted by psychologists to describe this form of emotional abuse during which one person manipulates another by getting them to question their own sanity and perceptions.

Someone who is gaslighting you has an ulterior motive, which only serves them in some way. They will lie, blame you for things, and minimize your feelings to move your perceptions where they want them to be.

When someone is gaslighting you, they make you feel as if whatever you’re thinking or feeling is not valid, or that they aren’t worthy of notice. The ultimate goal of someone who is gaslighting is to avoid accepting responsibility for whatever wrong they’re doing.

The motivations are many. Some do it for money, others for control and power.

Manipulative in a Relationship with Passive-Aggressive Behavior

We’ve all heard of passive-aggressive behavior, but what is it exactly?

When someone is being passive aggressive as a form of manipulation, they may employ one of several tactics:

Indirect expression of their negative feelings – instead of using words to express how they feel, they will use a lack of words with plenty of actions like sulking, giving you the silent treatment, or procrastinating on doing somethingHidden hostility – sarcasm is a great example of passive aggressive manipulation, but not the only one; backhanded compliments and intentional mistakes are also examples; the passive-aggressive person might misrepresent your job by saying, “This is Kate, she changes diapers for a living” instead of telling someone that you’re a registered nurseResisting cooperativeness – someone is being passively-aggressive when they agree to do something and then fail to follow through; they can also sabotage the situation in some way, making it impossible to move forward; for example, your boyfriend might have agreed to give you a ride to a job interview, then either not show up, or show up so late that going to the interview is pointlessGuilt-tripping is another great weapon in the passive-aggressive toolbox; this is where someone says something like “Don’t bother…I’ll just do it myself”; it’s meant to guilt you into doing whatever it is they wanted you to do in the first placeBaiting – a passive-aggressive person will use dramatic and overblown gestures like big heavy sighs or pouting to get you to ask what’s wrong and concede to whatever it is they want you to doLying and Blaming

No master manipulator is going to accept responsibility for their actions. They don’t want to control themselves, in fact, they cannot. They want to control you.

To keep from accepting responsibility, they will lie about their role in whatever is going on, or they might exaggerate the truth, so they look better in the situation.

For even more bang for their buck, a good manipulator will place the blame on you, making you doubt yourself and your version of what you think just happened.

The lies a manipulator tells aren’t the harmless little white lies like when a woman says, “Honey, do I look okay in this dress?” and her once-bitten twice shy partner says, “Yes, you look lovely” regardless of the truth, so he doesn’t hurt her feelings. Those aren’t the lies I’m referring to. Those lies try to protect someone’s emotional well-being, not destroy it.

Manipulative in a Relationship with Threats and Coercion

Now, we’ve arrived at Jolene’s tactics.

Some manipulators will use threats or even force to get someone to do what they want them to do. An often-employed tactic is to threaten to leave the relationship if your partner won’t do what you want him to do.

Some will threaten harm, as Jolene did, to make sure that they remain in control of the situation and get what they want. Some manipulators will go to great lengths to make sure you comply, even to the point of harming themselves.

Self-harm is not to be taken lightly, however, so if your partner resorts to this tactic, it requires immediate professional attention.

The Silent Treatment

Nothing drives a relationship partner crazy more than being on the butt end of the silent treatment.

The silent treatment is a tactic during which the manipulator will go completely silent on their partner if the partner is doing something undesirable. For example, if we use that job interview example from above, we can assume that instead of waiting for their partner to arrive (late), the manipulated person either drives themselves or calls an Uber to get to the interview.

The manipulator, incensed at the boldness of the person they’re trying to manipulate, may use the silent treatment to enforce the point that they feel they were wronged. Never mind that they were the one doing the wrong in the first place. The manipulator is always the one who was wronged.

Some manipulators will use sex and affection as tools by withholding them to punish you for whatever it is you did wrong in their eyes. The only way to get them to concede is to admit you were wrong, even if you weren’t. The manipulator wins and you’re left accepting responsibility for something you didn’t do.

Other manipulators will withhold information. Perhaps after you Uber’d to the job interview, you got a letter stating they want another interview, or maybe even a phone call saying you’re hired, but you weren’t there to receive it, and your manipulative partner was. They may withhold that information from you to keep you from doing something they don’t want you to do.

Isolation

Probably one of the worst tactics of a manipulator is isolation from your friends and family. This is an especially useful tactic because it allows them to use their mind control tactics without the intervention of people on the outside who can see what’s really happening.

The last thing a manipulator wants is for you to have someone show you what’s happening and rescue you from the situation.

The opposite of this can also happen. In this case, the manipulator will try to win over your friends and family by getting them to argue for their side. They may present their lies and half-truths to your family to get them to encourage you to stay in the relationship, for example.

Ultimately, the goal of the manipulator is to use your family, or the absence of your family, to keep you under their control.

How do You End Up in a Relationship with Someone Who is Manipulative in a Relationship?

A manipulator does not choose his victim at random. He studies you and maybe even dates you a couple of times to see if you’re a good candidate or if he should move on.

What is he looking for?

Low Confidence and Self-Esteem

With low confidence and self-esteem, you’re more likely to doubt yourself, making many of his tactics work very well.

Gaslighting, for instance, works very well on someone with low self-esteem because you already doubt yourself on many things. He can capitalize on that and really get you to believe whatever he wants you to believe.

People-Pleasing Behaviors

People who are people-pleasers have low confidence. They tend to believe that saying no to someone will cost them the relationship, so they say yes to keep it.

People-pleasers also have no boundaries, and boundaries are one layer of armor against a manipulator. If he senses he can get away with anything with you, he’ll pounce.

How does he know? Sex on the first date. Being too willing to do whatever he suggests. Allowing him to do or say things to you that go beyond what is acceptable to someone with boundaries.

Non-Confrontational

Some folks don’t like confrontation, and that’s okay, but when it combines with these other traits, it means you’re likely to let him do whatever he wants, even if you don’t like it, because you don’t want the conflict.

A manipulator can run all over you with his various tactics and he knows that you won’t say a word.

Mourning or Battling Something Difficult

People who are either mourning a loss or battling something difficult often have their defenses down. They’re more vulnerable to manipulators because their mind is somewhere else.

Manipulative in a Relationship: His Tactics

The first thing a manipulator will do is assess you to see if any of these fit. Low confidence and low self-esteem often show up in body language, so he probably knows this one before he approaches.

He’ll avoid confident women altogether, saving himself time and possibly being outed.

He will also gauge your social connections to see how many friends you have, whether you’re a friend on the fringe of the group or deeply involved. Those on the fringe are greater targets.

He will also assess your strengths and weaknesses, but this usually occurs once he’s introduced himself. He’s still assessing in the early dating days, but if he’s dating you, you’ve passed a couple of his tests already.

Initially, a manipulator will be charming beyond belief. He’ll seem like the guy you’ve been longing for with all the proper manners and words. He will flatter you, help you do things, and appear to be a very caring man.

But once he’s gotten himself in the door, so to speak, he will begin his manipulation. It will come so slowly that you won’t see it coming. It’s like the old saying, put a frog in hot water and he’ll jump out, put him in cold water and turn up the heat and he’ll never realize he’s cooked.

One of the first tools he will employ is to isolate you from your support network of friends and family. He can’t have them telling you that he’s manipulating you. That would never do. In isolating you, he’s also making you more dependent on him. What you would once have gone to them for, you must now go to him for.

Once he has you isolated, the real manipulation can begin. It’s at this point that he can gaslight you, devalue you, and so on.

Not every manipulator uses all the things above, and there are other tactics that some will use that aren’t mentioned above.

Signs You May be in a Manipulative Relationship

You’ve read all the ways in which someone can manipulate you, but what are some signs you can look for to determine whether you’re in one?

You always feel on edge and/or anxious but you’re not quite sure whyIt’s difficult for you to make decisionsYou have low feelings of self-esteem, like not believing you deserve to have good things in your life, or that you aren’t worthy of a good relationshipYour family and friends are no longer part of your lifeYour partner telling you that you’re overreacting to something or that you’re being dramaticYou have opinions and feelings, but your partner consistently dismisses them as worthlessWhat to do if You’re with Someone Who is Manipulative in a Relationship

The most important thing for you to understand is that manipulation is emotional abuse, and it’s no less harmful than physical abuse.

Manipulative in a Relationship: Recognize the Signs

You have them just above, and if some or all of them start to resonate, chances are good that you’re with someone who is manipulative in a relationship.

Again, understand that he is emotionally abusing you, and even if you don’t have the physical scars to show it, you do have emotional scars.

He will tell you that nobody will believe you – that you look perfectly fine. But I guarantee you that those who understand emotional abuse will see the scars. There may be a hollow look to your eyes, or a sense of flatness in your personality that cue others in. Trust me, he’s lying to you – people will see it, easily.

Rather than try to deny that this has happened to you, recognize how he has scarred you, emotionally, and perhaps physically. You should not feel ashamed because he abused you.

He may try to play the victim in the situation, but he is the perpetrator, and everyone will see it that way, even though he will try to tell you otherwise.

Create an Exit Strategy

There are professional organizations out there who help women just like you. It’s crucial that you connect with one of these organizations.

Chances are, if you’re on the Internet reading this, you’ve already found some way around his restrictions. Use the Internet to reach out for help. I encourage you to use private web browsers to do your searching and outreach. Search histories can be reviewed.

If you are someone who is able to get out of the house from time to time, arrange to meet with someone who can help you.

Removing yourself from this type of situation is not often easy. A manipulator does not like to give up his prey. He’d rather not hunt for another victim but keep the one he has. Additionally, many manipulators see their target as their property, and they don’t like to lose their property.

Work with the professionals and do the things they recommend so you can remove yourself from the situation. They have all the resources, including safe places for you to stay and counseling.

Manipulative in a Relationship: Document His Behavior

If you have access to your cell phone, try to secretly record his rants, speeches, and other ways he manipulates you. Get as much as you can on a recording using your video app. You don’t need to see him in the videos, just hearing is enough. This will be helpful to you if you require legal assistance later.

Prepare Yourself for the Aftermath

There will be fallout from leaving a manipulative relationship, but it isn’t anything you can’t handle.

Work with the professionals to find a counselor who can help you with the emotional challenges you will face. They will help you deconstruct what happened and help you believe in yourself again.

Additionally, know that he will try to reach out again and win you back. Early on, it might feel safer to go back, but you can’t. If you do, it will be that much more difficult to leave again.

Instead, change your phone number, get a new address, and tell your friends and family that they are not to give out this information. For a while, if the situation was really bad, it might be best to hide away from everyone. That way, nobody can slip or be coerced into providing valuable information.

Focus on Healing

Now is not the time to look for a new relationship. You have a lot of work to do on yourself first. You have many emotional scars to heal, and working with a professional counselor will help you do that.

Your energy should be on yourself, and if you have children, their well-being. Nobody else matters as you work to become a strong, confident woman with a strong sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

It is possible! I believe in you. Reading this article is an important first step because it shows that you know where you are right now and you want something better for yourself.

Wrapping Up Manipulative in a Relationship

I feel like I’ve painted a grim picture for you, but being targeted by someone who is manipulative in a relationship is not a fairy tale story with a pretty ending.

Not all manipulators are as extreme as some of what you’ve read. Take Mike from the beginning of the article, for example.

He does still have a relationship with his mother; however, his wife does not participate in any family events. This is her way of controlling those situations. Jolene’s big manipulation was getting Mike to marry her. Past that, she’s satisfied with small manipulations, such as not attending events.

Additionally, Jolene uses contrived medical conditions, usually similar to conditions someone else in the family has, to avoid working – anywhere. Mike suffers from serious back issues, and yet he cleans, cooks, does the laundry, and all other chores.

And most of the time, Mike appears to not only go along, but believe that she has these conditions, setting aside his own health in lieu of her perceived health issues.

On the surface, Mike appears to be a happy guy in a good relationship. Those closer to him know differently, but he’s not fighting it so they let it be.

Can you stay in a mildly manipulative relationship like that of Mike and Jolene? Sure. You may even be able to set some boundaries and establish some small sense of control.

I will close by saying that people who are manipulative in a relationship are suffering from poor mental health of their own. These are not strong, confident people, even though they might seem to be. Many are battling either narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. Others might be battling antisocial personality disorder, which is likely the cause of Jolene’s manipulative behaviors. Still others are battling disorders like anxiety or depression, also possibilities or Jolene.

Manipulators crave control because they feel their life is out of control. They have the same low self-esteem that they saw in you. Some may be in it for personal gain, usually financial, but sometimes to achieve a goal or gain power. And finally, sometimes manipulators want to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.

As you distance yourself from a manipulator and heal, you’ll wonder how you didn’t see the signs before you got involved. Your counselor will work you through that too.

Whether you stay or leave, I encourage you to seek professional counseling. If the case is mild, as in the case of Mike and Jolene, encourage your partner to seek counseling as well. You could end up in a happy relationship or you may end up apart, but either way, you’ll both be healthier people in the end.

The post How to Avoid Someone Who is Manipulative in a Relationship appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

Dating is so confusing, especially at first when you find a guy you like but knowing how to tell a guy that you like him can be challenging.

You feel anxious and imagine all the worst-case scenarios, and suddenly, you just want to keep it to yourself.

But then you don’t get the guy…so how can you tell a guy that you like him?

How to Tell a Guy That You LIke Him – When Is the Right Time?

The answer isn’t on the first date.

What you can say on a first date is something like:

I enjoyed our time togetherI really enjoyed meeting youIt would be great to get together again

But otherwise, you should hold off a little in telling him – but how long?

First Impressions Matter

When You See Signs of Mutual Interest

We’ve all been on dates where we felt this great attraction to the other person, and then you go to the bathroom and when you return, that person has left. Obviously you misread the situation. Bummer!

So look for signs that he’s interested in you too. If you watch, you’ll catch him smiling as he observes you, like when you enter a room or approach.

A guy who seeks you out is also showing interest.

For example, when you’ve met a couple of times incidentally and then find yourselves at an event, he might notice you and come to talk to you. This is a sign he’s interested.

Some guys are shyer, so in those instances, watch for him to glance your way, deliver a casual smile, or even brush past you with a light touch.

When Things Feel Comfortable

Are you comfortable with the idea of a relationship or does it make you want to run and scream? If you don’t want a relationship, it might not be a good idea to get his hopes up.

But, if you feel like you’re ready and you can sense a good connection between you, it’s a good time to tell him how you feel.

When You’ve Allowed Friendship to Bloom

If the two of you started out as friends, you might not want to jump in too soon by confessing that your interest in him is more than friendly.

Yes, you might be friend-zoned right now, and it may never move past that. But, if you allow him to get to know you as a friend, you have a head start on a great relationship later.

Let him find out who you are. That’s what’s going to make him interested in a relationship with you.

When You Can Be Yourself Around Him

You should never pretend to be someone you aren’t when you’re dating. The truth will always come out and then things are ruined.

But at first, it might feel scary. Still, honesty is always the best policy. You might be hesitant at first to be your true self, and that’s okay. Let little pieces of you out each time you see one another.

At some point, you’ll realize that you’re being your true self around him and that he likes your quirks (because we all have quirks). That’s when you know it’s safe to tell him how you feel.

He’s Become Part of Your Everyday Life

You see one another daily, or close to daily, because you live in the same neighborhood, or work near one another.

Maybe your interactions are becoming more frequent. If so, there’s a good chance he already senses your feelings, and he may share them.

This puts you in a safe zone for relating your feelings, especially if you sense he feels the same way.

You See a Future That Works with Him

Note that I said a future that works. Some people take the attitude of he’s great right now, and if you want a hookup, great. But if you’re looking for your soul mate, you need to think long-term.

Of course, sharing that you like someone isn’t a marriage commitment, but it is the equivalent of asking for a relationship, come what may. Ultimately, you want to make sure that your values, lifestyles, and future goals are somewhat aligned.

You Spend One-on-One Time

A guy who isn’t sure about you will want to hang out with friends, but if he’s into you, he’ll want to do some one-on-one time with you, and that might encompass more of your time than the time with friends.

My friend, these are dates, whether you call them that or not.

You’re Dating Other Guys but He’s Rising to the Top

It’s perfectly fine to date more than one guy at a time as long as you aren’t in a committed relationship. Guys do it more often than women, but it really is helpful.

When you’re dating more than one guy, you can compare the different things about each guy. One will ultimately rise to the top as the guy you want to keep seeing.

Giving relationships this time to develop and evolve allows you each to determine how you truly feel and whether you think you’re a good fit. The guys who aren’t a good fit will fall away.

HOW to Tell a Guy That You Like HimTiming is Everything

While excitement can have the words wanting to bubble out of you at what is perhaps an untimely moment, try to control yourself and wait for the right time and place.

Be sure to tell him somewhere that’s more private and quieter. You don’t want to be yelling your feelings across bar stools or tabletops in a noisy environment.

Additionally, you don’t want to tell him somewhere where he might get distracted by television or performances.

Choose somewhere that is comfortable and relaxing, where you can relax and be open and honest with one another.

And finally, don’t time it for a Friday after work when everyone is exhausted from a long week. Choose a time when he isn’t feeling stressed or overwhelmed. Weekends are often relaxing, so that might be better.

How to Tell a Guy That You Like Him: Be Honest and Direct

Men don’t always get subtle hints, so don’t play around with your words. Men are usually direct, and they understand that best.

You can say something like “I’ve really enjoyed spending time with you, and I’ve developed feelings for you.” You can even admit to a crush, but this isn’t the time to throw around the “L” word (love) because you aren’t really there yet.

Ask Him Out

Who says the guy always has to be the one to ask for a date? If you’re into this guy, ask him out. It can be casual, like coffee or a drink. It can even be something fun like hiking, listening to a favorite band, or even going bowling.

These types of casual dates allow you to see one another in a more natural setting where you can be yourself. It’s a great way to find out what type of guy he is when he’s not trying to be on for a dinner date.

Use Your Powers of Flirtation

Flirting is fun and it’s a great way to show this guy that you’re into him. Simply making eye contact for a few seconds, looking away, and making eye contact again is a very effective way of showing your attraction.

You can also smile, which always says volumes, and if you’re not actually out with him, you can even gently brush past him, touching his arm or shoulder as you pass by. If you’re together, you can also place a hand on his gently for a moment. Touch is a powerful message.

Other things you can try are:

Paying him a compliment, but be specific and don’t overdo itFind common interests or ask him about something he’s passionate aboutUse your body language to indicate that you’re into him by leaning in, mirroring his movements, and using open body languageKeep things light and playfulHow to Tell a Guy That You Like Him: Be Confident

Confidence is sexy, even if guys don’t always realize that’s what they’re attracted to. Better than that, confidence is a magnet for great guys while repelling players at the same time! Win win!

Don’t Wait for Him to Make a Move

Some guys will never do this because they’re a little shy. This is the 2020’s – it’s okay for you to make the first move, if you think the feelings are mutual.

A guy like this won’t risk rejection, so he’ll need to understand that you’re into him before he’ll make his move.

Once you’ve made your move, however, it’s time to let him take over. Let him plan the first couple of dates so he feels like he’s in charge. If it’s difficult for you to let go of controlling this, give yourself a pep talk. Confident women don’t need to be in control of everything – even alphas – no especially alphas!

Notes of Caution

There are a couple of things to be aware of during this process.

First, recognize that he may not share your feelings, and this will be a disappointment, but better to find out now than when you’re further into what you think is a relationship, but he considers to be just friends.

Don’t consider this a full rejection. Instead, recognize that it’s the truth about the situation. He may enjoy having you as a friend, and if you can keep things there, then you just gained a new friend!

Also, if you are too fearful and keep holding back, you risk losing him to someone else. There will be no relationship if you don’t share your feelings, come what may.

And finally, right now, you’re carrying so much anxiety about doing this that it’s consuming your thoughts. Once you get your feelings out on the table, you will feel a great deal better.

Wrapping Up How to Tell a Guy That You Like Him

This is a scary proposition. You have these feelings and you’re afraid that if you share them with this guy, he won’t feel the same.

And he might not, but better to know where you stand than to keep dreaming about something that won’t happen.

Gather your courage my friend. There’s a great guy who might just feel the same way you do waiting to hear how you feel. He’s as nervous as you are, trust me!

The post How to Tell a Guy That You Like Him appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

Every relationship goes through some bumps. It’s normal and expected that you won’t always agree on every little thing, and if you do, someone probably isn’t being genuine. But what are the signs of an unhealthy relationship? What are the relationship red flags you should be watching for?

Relationship Red Flags: Emotional Abuse & Control

People think the only type of abuse someone can heap on someone else is physical abuse, but emotional abuse can be just as damaging, if not more so.

Sometimes, they go together, but there are other times when emotional abuse is the only tool your partner might need.

Shaming and Blaming

A favorite tool of emotional abusers is shaming and blaming. This type of emotional abuse can go both ways, or it can be one partner shaming and blaming the other.

If it’s going both ways, it creates a constant environment of conflict and defensiveness. You’re always on guard for the next attack, and you don’t really have any loving feelings toward your partner because you’re too busy planning the next attack.

If someone is shaming and blaming you, but you aren’t returning it, it can be devastating to your self-esteem and self-worth, as well as your confidence. When someone is shaming and blaming you, chances are you both know that the one doing the shaming is the one who should be blamed, but you don’t dare say a word.

This dynamic won’t stop unless one or both of you seek counseling, or you end the relationship – and even then, it might not stop.

When there is shame and blame in a relationship, there is no trust left, no intimacy, and nothing but conflict, stress, and anxiety. You’re left feeling frustrated, hopeless, and angry.

When shaming and blaming goes both ways, it’s a most unhealthy dynamic that’s rooted in a need to have control, a power struggle, or feelings of insecurity.

When someone is shaming and blaming you, it’s his way of showing that he feels insecure and out of control as well. He cannot admit to his own faults, so he pushes them off on you.

Controlling Your Every Move

Sometimes, emotional abuse shows up as someone exercising full control over you. He might even go as far as putting a tracking device on your phone or car so he can always know where you are.

He may force you to quit your job, so he knows where you are. He may also restrict your access to transportation for the same reason. A guy who’s controlling in this way will also isolate you from your friends and family. He doesn’t want anyone telling you how awful you’re being treated.

Some who control will even deprive you of your basic needs, keeping you locked up in a room for hours and unable to access food or water.

Are these extreme situations? Yes. But they do happen to people and it’s no joke.

This type of relationship is very difficult to extricate yourself from, but that shouldn’t stop you. Somehow, you need to find a way to access a domestic abuse hotline and get yourself some help. There are networks with goals of keeping you safe and hidden from your abuser, navigating you to a new and safe location where you cannot be found.

Excessive Jealousy

People who get jealous have very low confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. Sometimes, it can also come from broken attachment styles and a fear of being abandoned.

While you’re in a relationship with them, they don’t believe they deserve someone like you, so they’re always on the lookout for you to find someone better.

You may be accused of cheating, even though you aren’t. You might find him following you when you say you’re going to be somewhere, making sure you’re actually doing what you said you were going to do.

He will constantly question your loyalty to him and your relationship, finding small tidbits to hold against you and prove that he’s right.

In some instances, you might be aware of his background and what’s led him to be so jealous. In other cases, it might seem to come out of nowhere.

The best path forward in this type of situation is to seek professional counseling, both individually and as a couple. He must learn to overcome his fears and anxieties and you should work on determining why this type of person appeals to you so you can fix that in yourself. As a couple, a counselor can help you learn how to interact with one another and build trust.

Constant Criticism

“You’re not wearing that again, are you? It makes you look so fat.”

“Do you really think anyone is going to listen to what you have to say? Please.”

These are mild examples of constant criticism. This type of emotional abuse has the same negative impact as shaming and blaming.

Constant criticism erodes the trust between you, if there was any to begin with. It makes you feel insecure and strikes at the root of your self-esteem and self-worth.

As a victim of constant criticism, you may feel a range of emotions from anger and frustration to loneliness and isolation. You feel as if your only recourse is to withdraw from the relationship as a protective measure.

Ultimately, no relationship can survive this type of abuse without professional intervention, just as with the other types of emotional abuse.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term with roots in a 1944 movie entitled Gaslight. In the movie, the husband tries to convince his wife that she’s going insane. Gaslighting today means much the same thing.

When someone is gaslighting you, they’re trying to change your perception of what’s real by trying to tell you things that simply aren’t true. He attempts to make you doubt what you believe, see, and hear.

For example, he might tell you that he didn’t abuse you, you imagined it or you had it coming, or some such nonsense. The attempt of the person who’s gaslighting is to twist information in such a way that you question what’s real. He knows he’s won when you believe what he tries to tell you.

Someone engaging in gaslighting wants power and control over you. It might just be for the power and control, or it might be a bigger sense of power and control, like over a business or financial interest.

Threats and Intimidation

This is a great way to get someone to comply – threaten either your health, or worse yet, the health of someone you love.

Someone shouldn’t need to threaten you to be in a relationship with them, or to do things with them (unless they’re illegal of course). If you care for someone, you want to do those things.

Making Love Conditional

First of all, this isn’t love. Someone’s love for you does not depend on whether you comply with their requests of you, ridiculous or not. If someone loves you truly, they love you because of you, not what you bring to the relationship or what they can coerce you into doing.

Being loved does not mean doing something someone asks you to do or else. If someone is doing this to you, they don’t love you, not even a little bit.

Withholding Affection and Even Love

The silent treatment is an effective tool because it drives people crazy. You know the other person is upset and yet they just glare at you, or worse yet, ignore you completely.

You become desperate to get them to talk to you, and eventually, you either apologize for whatever infraction they perceive you’ve committed, or you give in to whatever it is they want.

This isn’t love. This is control and definitely emotional abuse.

Relationship Red Flags: Lack of Support and Respect

Relationships aren’t just about love or emotional attachments; they’re also about mutual respect and support.

Relationship red flags relating to a lack of support and respect are sometimes a little more subtle, but just as harmful.

Setting Aside Your Needs and Feelings

What you need from a relationship, or even outside of it, is as important as what your partner needs. Together, you should be striving to support one another in having your needs met. In most relationships, this means that sometimes one person needs more than the other, so the energy of the relationship shifts to help meet those needs.

Eventually, the needs balance returns to something more even until the next thing hits. An example of this might be when you have the flu. You feel terrible and just want to stay in bed – no, you need to stay in bed so you can get better, but your partner doesn’t care. He wants his breakfast, and he wants it five minutes ago.

Your needs are set aside because he wants what he wants and doesn’t give a whit about your needs.

Additionally, sometimes you need to support one another. Losing a loved one, like a parent or close friend, puts you in a position of needing some extra support. You want loving arms to encircle you and tell you that everything will be okay.

But in some relationships, it doesn’t matter what type of support you need, he’s not going to provide it. Of course, when he needs support, he expects you to deliver, but if you need it, bah.

Not Supporting Your Personal Growth

This is another area in which there may be occasional imbalance, but eventually, things should return to a somewhat balanced state.

For example, if you decide you want to make a career move that requires you to gain more education, your partner should step up and be supportive. Depending on what your relationship is like, this might include anything from helping with meals to driving the kids to soccer practice or even helping you study for big tests.

Relationship red flags are waving big and wide if he just doesn’t care. He isn’t going to change what he’s doing just so you can go off and do ‘god knows what’ while he’s hard at work. No siree, he’s not helping with that.

You should both be setting and attaining goals and working toward a constant upward growth trajectory. You support one another where you can and step up for one another when necessary.

You’re the One to Blame

Someone who cannot take responsibility for his own actions isn’t worth your time. People will screw up their lives, time and time again, and without fail, blame someone else, like you. You’re the problem.

He can’t get that promotion because of you, somehow. He didn’t win the football pool because of you, somehow.

We talked about shaming and blaming a little above as a form of emotional abuse, but it also falls into the category of having no respect for you. You’re expendable. Who cares if the world thinks you’re some woman who won’t support her guy? He sure doesn’t.

Nothing is Private

There is no reason for anyone, and I mean anyone (maybe a police officer with a warrant is the exception) to go through your phone, email, or social media accounts.

Your privacy doesn’t end when you enter a relationship. Now, some people don’t mind sharing, but others do, and it’s up to you to decide just how much access you want to give your partner.

I recommend that, at least until you’re married, that access is none, and even then, if you see other relationship red flags, the answer remains none.

Even going through your personal belongings crosses a line. The proverbial trip to the bathroom where the medicine cabinet door just happens to fly open while he’s washing his hands is a no-no.

You have the right to share things about your life when you are ready to do so, not when he demands it of you.

Additional Areas of ConcernFinances

There are a few concerns when it comes to finances.

One is financial irresponsibility. Being with someone who spends more than he earns, or spends your money instead of his own, is financially irresponsible and he’s waving big relationship red flags!

Another way this can be concerning is if he restricts your access to any accounts you share with him. When you’re married, if you choose to have a joint account, then you both have the right to have access to it, regardless of who’s putting the money in.

And the last financial concern is someone who just plain doesn’t pay his bills. Bills are a necessary evil. Heck, who doesn’t wish for fewer bills? But that doesn’t mean you don’t pay them.

Letters from creditors, phone calls ignored or dismissed are relationship red flags that shouldn’t be ignored. Don’t be hitching your wagon to a guy who doesn’t pay his bills. It’s bad news coming.

He Has a History of Substance Abuse

I’m all for giving someone a second, and even third chance, but approach with caution when someone has a history of substance abuse. Some substances are extremely hard to kick.

If he’s an honest guy, he’ll tell you he has a substance abuse history, and then you can ask a few questions, the most important of which is how long he’s been sober.

If he says two weeks, he needs more time and isn’t even in a position to be in a relationship. If he says longer than a year, he’s probably a safe bet.

Of course, you also need to know if he’s telling you the truth, and people who are currently abusing are often great liars.

If you believe he’s abusing drugs or alcohol, keep the relationship at arm’s length until you can determine exactly what’s going on. He might just be looking for someone to bankroll his habit.

Unhealthy Communication Styles

Many relationships end due to communication issues. Sometimes, it’s because someone is fearful of being open and honest.

Other times, it’s because the communication style of choice is yelling and aggression. This type of communication will never work long-term. It’s too much speaking and no listening.

Having a discussion isn’t about sharing thoughts, listening to one another, and finding a solution in these situations. It’s about being heard over the other person and a need to be right, regardless of what the speaker is saying.

What people fail to understand about communication is that it’s more about listening than it is about speaking.

What to Do

So, what to do if you’re seeing some relationship red flags waving?

You have two choices – try to fix it or leave it.

A lot is determined on which red flag is waving. If it falls into the emotional abuse category, your odds of fixing it are often lower.

Fixing Relationship Red Flags

Obviously, how you fix things depends on which flags are waving. If you’re in an abusive relationship of any sort, physical, sexual, or emotional, you will need help extricating yourself from the situation.

But there are resources available to help you, as I mentioned above. Your challenge becomes accessing those resources without being discovered, but those people are well aware of your challenges, so don’t hesitate just because of this.

Don’t Dwell on the Past

If you choose to repair the relationship, you must also put the past in the past. You have to allow yourselves to be human and set aside past mistakes.

Otherwise, you’ll find yourself in big arguments that aren’t fair or productive, bringing up those old hurts and holding onto them as if they hold the secret to life.

Let go of, not just his past, but yours too. You not only need to forgive him for anything that happened, but you need to forgive yourself as well.

This is where healing begins.

See One Another Through More Compassionate Eyes

People behave a certain way for a reason, many times out of past hurts.

For example, if someone was abandoned by a parent in their childhood, they might have some big attachment issues and a fear of abandonment. This will make them clingier and more fearful of losing you.

Of course, what they fail to see is that their behavior is what’s pushing you away.

If you know what’s behind your partner’s negative behaviors and show compassion, it opens a road to healing. He might be afraid that if you find out about whatever his past is, you’ll leave him, so he’d rather push you away first.

Compassion goes a long way in helping people understand that they’re worth being in a relationship with you.

Do Therapy – Individual and Couples

Old wounds often need professional assistance to heal, and the damage that’s been done to your relationship will heal more adequately if you seek professional help.

But you both must work on yourselves too. It isn’t just a him problem or a you problem. It’s a both of you problem.

By working separately and together, you’re able to heal things from both sides and come together in a healthier way.

Find Your Support System

Sometimes, there are official support groups to help, like Alanon for people who are in relationships with drug and alcohol abusers.

For other issues, you might just need a good friend who will listen to you and be that shoulder you need to cry on from time to time.

Having a support system gets you through difficult moments and provides you with the strength you need to take next steps.

Mind Your Communication

It’s probably time for a new way of communicating with one another. You have either avoided honesty or you’ve been yelling instead of talking and listening.

Whatever the problem was, it’s time to fix it.

Practice kindness and compassion when you communicate. Listen and don’t interrupt, and save deciding what to say for after the speaker has finished, instead of while they’re talking.

Own Your Role

Even if it seems like your partner was the jealous one who was causing all of the problems, you also have a role, and in order to fix things, you need to identify and own what that role is.

I know it’s more fun to point out his negatives, but you have some too – we all do, and it’s time to own them so you can fix them.

Acknowledge the Changes

As you do your individual healing, also acknowledge the work your partner is putting in. Make sure he knows when you see positive changes. This will help him want to keep making those changes.

Also, recognize that once you both face your issues and heal from them, you will likely be two different people than the two who met. This might mean your relationship is better, or it may indicate that you’re no longer right for one another.

But the work you’ve done is still important because it prepares you to enter a much healthier relationship next time!

Ending the Relationship

If you decide that things have gone too far or it just isn’t going to work out, short of being in an abusive relationship, the best course forward is to agree to separate.

But this is where things get tricky, and again, I’m not talking about abusive relationships here.

When you decide to end things, a lot of how well this will go depends on how connected you are with one another. For example, if you share children, then you’re going to have to see one another and get along.

The last thing you should do is put those kids in between the two of you. They’ve been through enough already with all the turmoil.

If you can make a clean break – there are no kids, no working relationship, that’s best, at least for a while. You go your way, and he can go his. Take time to allow yourself to heal before you get back out there.

If you must see one another due to child or work-related relationships, then you must resolve to get along. Kids deserve parents who can be grown-ups and be civil to one another and nobody at work cares about your past relationship crap, so save it.

I know a couple who is divorced, and yet, the husband and wife are still best friends. Both are remarried now – happily, but they’ve remained very good friends. In fact, they live about one-hundred feet from one another.

It’s possible to get along. Hatred has no place in being a happy, confident person.

Wrap Up

Relationship red flags can wave pretty wildly and yet, people ignore them and live in unhappy relationships for many years, but just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Most of the relationship red flags I’ve outlined above are harmful to your overall well-being, either emotionally, physically, or both.

At some point, you must resolve to end the relationship, and if you need the help of professionals to do so, then seek it out. Life is too short to be miserable.

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It’s human nature to hide things you’re ashamed of or not to share your fears with your partner for fear of judgment, but what if vulnerability is the key to better relationships?

What if sharing those things creates a deeper bond with your partner and helps you get closer?

Today, you’ll learn why vulnerability is the key to better relationships and how to overcome the fear of sharing those things you’re afraid to share!

What Does it Mean to be Vulnerable?

When you make yourself vulnerable to someone, it means you expose yourself to the possibility that what you say or feel might not be well-received and could even cause you harm, either physically or emotionally.

When you’re vulnerable in a relationship, you’re making a conscious choice to expose something about yourself in an authentic way, allowing your partner to see and respond to this truer version of you.

How does Being Vulnerable Help Relationships?Emotional Openness

When you’re emotionally vulnerable, you’re sharing your needs, emotions, and thoughts openly and honestly with your partner.

Often, when one partner shares, it makes the other partner feel more comfortable sharing something in return.

It might not happen right away, but it will.

Authenticity

When you’re authentic, you’re being the real you. You aren’t trying to be someone that you think other people want you to be and you aren’t hiding things about yourself.

In a world full of social media and contrived images, people are craving more authenticity than ever before.

It’s Risky

When you decide to share something with your partner, you’re taking a risk that he might not be accepting of what you have to say.

However, many times, we are so hard on ourselves that we anticipate a much harsher judgment than what would ever come.

Anxiety creates a much worse situation than reality.

You Build Trust

When you expose your vulnerabilities, you’re telling your partner that you trust him with the deepest and most treasured part of yourself. You’re exposing the things you’re afraid to share, but you trust that he won’t react poorly or harshly.

This brings you closer and helps build the intimacy we all crave in our relationships.

It Encourages Empathy

By being vulnerable, you’re asking your partner to see things from your point of view, which isn’t something we naturally do for one another. We see and judge others from our own perspectives.

But this empathy will help you deepen your bond and develop a deeper understanding of one another.

It Fosters Personal Growth

Sharing your vulnerability is scary as heck, depending on what you have to share, but the rewards are so much greater.

When you and your partner share your vulnerabilities, you’re building confidence in one another and your relationship as a whole. You deepen the sense of us against the world and enjoy a stronger bond.

Improved Communication

Engaging in open and honest communication leads to successful relationships. When you’re both able to be vulnerable, you know that you’re sharing the deepest parts of yourselves.

That trust makes it easier for you to be open and honest about other things, which continues that strengthening and bonding.

You Find Healing and Growth

By sharing your vulnerabilities, you create an environment where you both feel safe and can embark on a journey of healing.

You know that your partner understands you on a deeper level and will be your support system when things creep back up on you.

How to be Vulnerable in a RelationshipBe More Self-Aware

Before you can open up to someone else, you need to get real with yourself. Understand your own feelings and boundaries.

Acknowledge your fears and anxieties and uncover where they’re coming from. Why do you carry around this fear or secret?

And finally, be kind to yourself. You’ve probably beaten yourself up over this plenty already, so it’s time to forgive yourself and understand that you’re doing the best you can.

Use Open and Honest Communication

As you read above, being vulnerable is about using open and honest communication with your partner.

Tell him your fears. Let him know what you need from him in your relationship.

And ask him to share his fears and needs in return.

Also, when you’re communicating, use “I” statements, instead of “you” statements. These are better because they come across as being more about you and less about accusing your partner of something.

Gregg, I really could use some help with the chores around the house.

Or,

Gregg, you never do anything around here!

I know which one would get a better response out of me!

And finally, listen at least as much as you speak, if not more. Listening involves actually paying attention to what your partner is saying. You aren’t formulating your own retort or scrolling Facebook on your phone.

You’re actively engaged in conversation with him, nodding and showing appropriate responses to what’s being said.

Create a Safe Space to Share

Sharing vulnerabilities isn’t a good idea when you’re out to dinner somewhere. This is something to do in the privacy of one of your homes.

It also isn’t a great idea to share something like this if the two of you aren’t getting along very well.

You want to create a quiet and private space for the two of you at a time when things are going well between you.

To get things rolling, share your own vulnerability first. He may or may not want to share something right away. If he doesn’t, don’t be offended.

He may need time to get up his own courage, but now that you’ve shared, it will be easier for him.

When he does share, be respectful and empathetic. You know from personal experience how difficult it was for him to share. Remember that when you respond.

Start Small

The first thing you share shouldn’t be earth shattering news. Share something that’s small and not as emotionally risky.

Be patient with yourself and your partner. This vulnerability stuff isn’t easy, and you both need to show some patience with one another.

If you find that sharing either isn’t working or is causing bigger problems, consider finding a therapist to help guide you both through this difficult time.

What Types of Things Count as Vulnerabilities?

One thing you may feel vulnerable about is the relationship itself. Share this with your partner and let him know why you feel like you’re on shaky ground.

It’s possible he feels the same way but doesn’t know how to approach it with you. By getting it out there, you can discuss things and figure out what your next steps should be.

Another example is to apologize for a mistake you’ve made that impacts your partner or relationship in some way. While apologies don’t take back what happened, they are a good start towards healing.

Vulnerability can also come in the form of appreciation. I know it seems silly, but for some people, showing appreciation is new and a little scary, but everyone loves and deserves to be appreciated, so go for it!

You can also ask him for help with something. This can be emotional support or support in another way, like helping around the house or with a tricky financial situation.

And the last example I have for you is when you feel the need to share something about your past.

While you might not be proud of everything in your past, remember that those things are what made you into the wonderful woman he’s now dating or married to. His past isn’t perfect either, so by sharing, you’re letting him know that it’s okay to share things from his past too.

Wrap Up

Try vulnerability on for size in your relationship. There are only two real possibilities. One is that your partner shares his vulnerabilities in return, and you draw closer to one another.

The second is that he finds you lacking after you share and he leaves. If this happens, it was for the best. You can’t have a relationship with secrets, or a relationship where you can’t share who you really are. It will never work.

So, if sharing your vulnerabilities causes the end of your relationship, then good riddance. That guy wasn’t the right guy for you. Don’t let past negative experiences keep you from sharing again in the future.

You just need to know you’ve found the right guy for you, and when you can share your true self with him – all of your true self, you’ll know you’ve found him!

Take a deep breath and go for it! Your relationship will only survive with open and honest communication, and that includes this.

The post Vulnerability: The Key to Better Relationships appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

Relationships are tough, and if you have low confidence, there may be things you and your partner are afraid to say to each other.

Today, I’d like to help you overcome these relationship hurdles and learn how to improve your communication with your partner.

This isn’t so much at the exact things you’re afraid to say to each other, as much as it’s about why you’re afraid to talk to one another about them. Each couple has their individual list of stuff.

What are you afraid to say to each other, and why?

What Are You Afraid to Say to Each Other?

Perhaps the first place for you to start is to make a list of what you’re afraid to discuss with your partner.

You know you’re holding things back.

What are they?

Go ahead and make your list…I’ll wait.

Why Are You Afraid to Say Those Things?

This is where I come in. I can help you understand the why, and once you understand the why, it’s easier to fix the problem.

You Fear Opening Up

You have things you want to say to your partner but you’re afraid that if you do, he won’t be supportive or receptive.

It might not be your fault. It’s possible that one or more of a few things may have happened in your past to cause you this fear.

The first is that you’ve opened up to either this partner or one in the past, and you experienced a very negative consequence of some sort as a result. This will make you very tentative to do the same thing again.

Another is that you have low confidence and you’re afraid that if you open up to him, he will turn away from you, or maybe even break up with you. This too could be the result of someone doing this to you previously.

It could also be that you have some attachment issues that stem from childhood traumas or examples of your parents’ relationship, which likely also had attachment issues.

You Fear Rejection or Pain

This is a very real fear, and it probably comes from a past of being rejected, whether by one or both parents, or men in other relationships.

Additionally, you might feel that if you share something with your partner, he’ll use it to hurt you in some way.

A lot of this comes from low confidence and low self-esteem. You may not feel worthy of such a great guy; therefore, you fear that if you share something about yourself, he’ll realize you aren’t worthy of him too and he’ll leave.

But give this guy some credit. He cares for you, or he wouldn’t be with you.

Be kind to yourself and recognize that the only way to overcome your fears is to face them, head on.

Recognize that you are worthy of a great guy and if this guy dumps you because of whatever it is you share, then he wasn’t the right guy for you after all. Buh-bye!

Fear of Criticism or Judgement

Nobody enjoys being criticized or judged, and everyone makes mistakes. Anyone who judges you for whatever it is you’re afraid to share isn’t being very realistic about their own life.

But your partner probably isn’t sitting there waiting for you to share something he can criticize you for.

If he wants to be critical and judgmental, he will be, whether you share or not, and if he is already doing that, then he’s not the guy for you anyway.

We often criticize things in other people that we see, and don’t like, about ourselves. That doesn’t make it okay, but it gives you some insight into what someone who’s being critical of you is really thinking.

Fear of Conflict

Some people are afraid of conflict. This, again, may come from a traumatized past where conflict ruled and you lived your life in constant fear.

You may have past experiences that have taught you that conflicts aren’t resolved easily but instead escalate out of control.

This can make you fearful of addressing issues in your relationship or confronting your partner about something that’s bothering you.

Fear of Disappointment

Everyone has a past, but sometimes if we think about sharing ours, we may fear disappointing the other person.

Perhaps you don’t want children, but you’re afraid to talk about this with your new beau. You really like him, but you’re afraid that he wants kids and you don’t, so he’ll dump you if you tell him.

This might be true. This is one of those relationship things you need to discuss, and if someone is disappointed, it’s unfortunate, but it’s also okay.

When you’re being real about what you want or things from your past, your partner makes a choice of how he will react. You cannot control that.

If he’s disappointed, then he is. He can either accept you for who you are or choose to move on. Either way, you’re now working with a more honest relationship that’s built on truth instead of omissions and you’ll both be better for it.

The Results of Being Afraid to Say Things to One Another

There are relationship consequences either way. If you don’t share things with one another, you run the risk of those things coming out anyway, making things even worse.

There are consequences to not sharing.

Lack of Intimacy

Intimacy is not sex. Let’s start by clearing that up.

Intimacy is those moments between you when you’re sharing something special or fun. You might go bowling together and have an absolutely terrible game, but the laughter and fun you share pushes your bond a little deeper.

But when you’re afraid to share things with one another, there’s a wall between you, and it prevents you from building true intimacy. It keeps your relationship stuck on a plateau.

Unresolved Issues

By not addressing problems in your relationship, you’re avoiding the inevitable. Eventually, things will reach a boiling point.

You may find yourself feeling more and more negative about your partner and your relationship, or you may come to resent him because you feel like you can’t share things with him.

Poor Communication

One of the biggest problems in relationships is communication. Poor communication is the same thing as adding bricks to that wall I just mentioned. You talk to one another, but not on a deep and meaningful level.

One or both of you are holding things back and it’s unhealthy.

Increased Stress and Anxiety

Holding things in causes stress and worrying about how your partner will react causes anxiety.

Instead of sharing your thoughts and feelings with him, you’re sitting there, imagining a dozen different awful ways the discussion will go.

In none of them do you imagine things turning out well, so you hold off longer.

Overcoming Your Fears

If you’re feeling this in your relationship, it’s possible your partner senses it, and maybe shares your fear.

To overcome a fear of opening up, create a safe space to communicate.

Start with something small and share it with your partner. Not only does this help you build trust that he won’t react badly, but it also encourages him to share something with you too. He might not do it right away, but soon.

Additionally, even though it’s difficult, you need to share your fears with your partner. He may share those fears or have fears of his own. If you both just sit there afraid, and afraid to share what you’re afraid of, fear wins, and your relationship ultimately loses.

Agree to listen to one another without judgement. If things become contentious, agree to step away from one another until you can both calm down and speak with reasonable tones.

Sometimes, it’s just the shock of whatever was shared that causes an emotional outburst. Given time to process the information, people often see things in a new light.

If your partner is sharing something with you, practice empathy and understanding, instead of judgment and criticism.

If the two of you are really struggling to be open with one another, try counseling. Relationship counselors are great at creating that safe space and walking you both through the feelings associated with this process.

And finally, focus on the positives of opening up to one another. You see what the negative consequences are of not opening up and you don’t want to experience those!

Wrapping Up: What are You Afraid to Say to Each Other?

Your past doesn’t need to be a predictor of your present, and just because one person reacted negatively to something doesn’t mean that the next person will also.

We don’t give one another enough credit for being kind and non-judgmental.

If you want to enjoy a happy and fulfilling relationship with your partner, you have to face these fears of opening up and move past them.

If things end badly between you, then it wasn’t meant to be. If he can’t accept you for who you are, flaws and all, then he’s not the right man for you.

That guy will show up. You just might not be ready for him yet.

I know it’s scary to think about sharing your vulnerabilities, but in the end, it’s that honesty that builds a great relationship, not lies and omissions!

The post What are You Afraid to Say to Each Other? And Why? appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

Long distance relationship problems can feel difficult to resolve since you may not be able to do so face-to-face like a more traditional relationship. Something minor can quickly turn into a huge problem if you don’t have the tools to manage and overcome the issues at hand.

Still, all is not lost. You can solve long distance relationship problems by gathering the right tools and knowing how to use them.

Let’s dig into some of the more common problems and how you can move past them in your relationship.

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Whether you’re long distance or not, communication is the number one best way to keep a relationship on track.

The challenge in a long-distance relationship is that it may be more challenging to communicate sometimes.

Schedule Time for Regular Communication

You don’t need to speak every day, whether you’re long distance or not, however, it is important to set aside some time to talk to one another.

And I’m not talking about the wishy-washy stuff. I mean the important things that people in relationships should discuss. Think of it as part of your regular date night, or maybe a second date night each week.

During these conversations, be open and honest with one another about any concerns that might have popped up since you last spoke, as well as any plans you may have to see one another.

Use this time to really connect, not be superficial.

Be Open and Honest

Relationships are built on your ability to be open and honest with one another. If you can’t trust this person with your stuff, who can you trust?

And trust is at the root of a good relationship, right behind that good communication.

It allows you both to feel comfortable sharing your vulnerabilities, knowing that your partner won’t hold them against you or make fun of you for them.

Even if you think your partner won’t like what you have to say, you must keep this open and honest approach.

Listen First

All too often, we don’t truly listen to the person we’re speaking with. They’re speaking and we’re either just plain not paying attention or we’re working up our own story that’s better than theirs.

Listening engages you in the conversation and lets the speaker know that you value what they have to say. You aren’t scrolling Facebook on your phone while he’s telling you how his boss ripped into him earlier in the week and how crappy that made him feel.

If you’re discussing something important, restate the important thing your partner said in your own words so you’re sure you understand. This helps avoid arguments because you’re both clear on the issue at hand.

Use Facetime or Zoom to Stay Connected

Using a video app helps you stay better connected. Being able to see someone’s face helps you put the conversation in the proper context.

It’s much easier to see if he’s joking or playing around versus saying something in a more serious tone if you can see his face.

It also helps make the distance between you float away, at least for a little while.

Have Some Communication Boundaries

This is a good idea for any relationship, near or far.

There is no good reason to be texting someone every minute of every day. You have jobs, hobbies, friendships, and other activities to do throughout the day and having a phone in your hand isn’t necessary.

Aside from that, if you are back and forth all day, it gives you nothing to talk about when you see one another again, whether through technology or in person.

Set some realistic communication boundaries that the two of you can agree upon, and that establish a balance you can both live with.

Build TrustDon’t Withhold Important Information

Just because you’re in a long-distance relationship, it doesn’t mean you should keep secrets from one another.

Things always come out in the end, and the longer you keep important things hidden, the more hurt is delivered when the truth comes out.

When you first meet someone, it’s easier to build trust, but if that trust is broken, it’s much more challenging to gain that same level of trust back.

Trust is a big issue especially in long-distance relationships, especially if your confidence in relationships is low to begin with. By being honest and open with one another, you avoid jealousy issues and other problems that come with a lack of trust.

Don’t Borrow Trouble

When you live far away from your loved one, it’s so easy to allow your imagination to run wild.

He always texts you before he goes to bed, usually around ten or so, but last night, he didn’t text at all.

So, now you’re wondering if he was out with another woman, or is he injured or sick? Did he just decide to break up with you and not tell you?

Rather than jumping to conclusions and letting your anxiety run amok, check in with him, kindly, and find out what’s going on.

It may be that he and a friend decided to go out for beers and to watch the football game and he got in too late to text. Maybe he got stuck at work late and didn’t get a chance to text because he was so busy.

Ask, don’t assume.

Share Your Life

This one is tricky because you want to include him in your life, but he doesn’t need a minute-by-minute playback.

Still, share what’s going on in your life. Let him celebrate your wins with you and share in your grief over losses. If you learned a new hobby, show him what you made. I guarantee he’ll think it’s awesome, so don’t worry about it being less than perfect.

Include him as if he lived close by and let him be a part of things too. You’ll not only build trust but a deeper level of intimacy because you’re sharing those things.

Build & Maintain an Emotional ConnectionPlan Your Time Together

How much time you get to spend together will depend on many factors, including how much distance there is between you and the cost of travel. Driving two hours is much cheaper than a four-hour flight.

Your time apart can be used to generate excitement about the next visit. Sometimes, it’s even fun to prepare a goody box to send ahead of your visit with small gifts or things you know he loves.

These gifts might include things like tickets to see a show together or a menu from a new café you want to check out together.

Your visits don’t need to be filled with out of the house activities, though, so maybe you order a grocery delivery that comes the day you arrive so you can cook something together.

The sky is the limit, but by planning, you create excitement and anticipation for the visit, which helps build that emotional connection!

Maintain a Connection While Apart

Even though you’re apart, you can still do things together. Put together a care package full of his favorites and ship it off. You can even be together when he opens it by planning one of those Zoom or Facetime calls.

Something else you can do to stay connected is watch a concert on YouTube or tune into your favorite music and dance together.

Another favorite is to choose a book to read together and choose times to talk about it as you go along – sort of your own book club, just the two of you.

Remember to Appreciate One Another

While appreciation is a love language, it’s also a great way to remind your partner that you’re grateful to have him in your life.

Everyone likes to be appreciated, so showing your appreciation is a great way to make your partner feel special.

Don’t Overlook the Challenges

Every single relationship has challenges. There is no relationship that is perfect, regardless of distance.

Be Patient with One Another

When one of you is feeling particularly stressed, be patient instead of impatient. By not being able to see one another more often, you’re missing visual cues that your partner might be feeling anxious or stressed in his job.

Instead of being judgmental, try just allowing him time to decompress and work through whatever is bothering him.

If he says he just wants a quick chat instead of a longer talk, let it be. He might need some time to sort through things, and men do that best when they have time to themselves.

He’ll let you know when he’s feeling more like himself.

Ask For His Support When You Need It

If you need him to be patient with you while you work your way through something, ask him. He’ll understand. Additionally, if you need help with something, ask him. Just because there’s physical distance between you doesn’t mean that you need to put emotional distance there as well.

Let him know what you’re struggling with. Men love to help solve problems; it’s a way of showing their love.

Practice a Little Mindfulness

When all else fails, a journal is a great tool. Sometimes, when you write, you’re surprised by the things that come out.

Journaling is a great way to sort out your feelings and help you make sense of what’s going on around you.

Life in the moment. Try some meditation. Slow down and just let yourself exist in that one moment.

Maintain Your ‘Regular’ Life

It’s very common to shut out your friends and quit hobbies when you’re in a relationship, but this is a big mistake.

Maintain Your Outside Friendships

Maintain your friendships and spend time with your friends. Keep going to girls’ night. Do those Yoga classes. Keep working on your hobbies.

You were doing those things when you met your partner, so why would you stop, especially since you have plenty of time.

Get Into a Routine

Routines are great for keeping life in order. By having a routine, you build in the time you need to get your work done while still spending time with those friends and working on those habits.

It helps you stay focused on the things that are truly important!

Remember Why You’re in the Relationship

Sometimes, it can be difficult to remember why you chose to have a long-distance relationship. You’re tired and frustrated and you haven’t seen your guy in a while. You might be wondering what’s the point?

Sit down and remember why this guy is special to you. Why is he worth the travel? What makes him the guy you want to spend time with?

Resolve Your Issues ASAP

This goes back to the communication piece, so I’m not going to spend a lot of time here.

Instead of sweeping problems under the rug, be honest and open with your partner. Talk things out, rather than ignore them.

Also, adopt a mentality that you can forgive and move on. Forgiveness helps the wounds heal and keeps us from becoming bitter.

It also enables you to just fight one problem at a time. If you don’t forgive things, they just work their way back into new arguments.

Wrap Up

Every relationship has problems. Every one. If someone tells you their relationship is perfect, they’re lying to you.

It isn’t the fact that you have problems, it’s how you go about solving those problems that matters.

If you remain open and honest with one another and commit to spending time together, even when you’re apart, you’ll find yourselves in a happy relationship, rather than a floundering one.

Maintain outside friendships, hobbies, and activities and continue to be the woman he fell for in the first place.

Give one another grace and make sure to show one another that you appreciate each other.

Those things will help you build a great relationship, regardless of distance!

The post How to Overcome Long Distance Relationship Problems appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

There are many reasons why couples fight and most of them can be fixed if you understand how to stop fighting in a relationship.

Today, I want to walk you through some of the underlying reasons you and your partner are fighting, and then together, we can look at how to stop.

Why do Couples Fight?

The truth is that each and every one of us is uniquely different from everyone else. Even twins aren’t exactly the same. We each come into the world with our own talents, challenges, and desires.

This means you’ll never find someone who’s exactly like you, and how boring would it be if you did?

The alternative, however, is that you’re with someone who’s different than you, and that’s okay. This helps you grow and develop as an individual and see the world from a new perspective.

Still, sometimes these differences, as well as other factors, can be too challenging to overcome and the result is fighting. Lots of fighting.

Because We’re All Different

The first reason is just what we’ve discussed – we’re all different. Before you met your partner, you had your own goals, likes, dislikes, preferences, dreams, needs, and personalities.

But something drew you to one another. Something clicked. Those differences fell away, if seemingly temporarily, and you fell in love with one another, despite the differences.

Daily Life Disagreements

Some couples fight over the things that come up frequently, like money, sex, chores, raising the kids, and family issues or external conflicts.

Many times, these types of disagreements are rooted in poor communication and can be solved through more open and honest communication.

For other couples, the disagreements occur because of how you learned to manage those tasks. You may have come from a family who valued paying your bills on time, while your partner’s family barely scraped by and struggled with money.

By communicating and working together, you can usually come to a resolution that fits both of your value systems and needs.

Different Values and Goals

This is truly one of those things you should sort out before you get this far into a relationship. It isn’t a first date conversation, but it is a conversation you should have as your relationship deepens.

Getting together with someone who wants to travel while you want to have kids is going to create some pretty good friction.

Still, if you’re this deep into your relationship, there are things you can do to work on those disagreements. For example, if your partner wants to travel more, but you now have a child or two, you can either schedule some mini vacations for the two of you, or some family vacations. You can always bring along a babysitter, like Grandma or a favorite aunt to give the two of you some time alone.

Being Too Individually Focused

Sometimes it happens that one partner becomes very focused on him or herself. Maybe your boss has promised you a promotion if you do a great job on your next project, but that means learning some new things and really focusing on your job.

For others, it may be more cosmetic. Sometimes, a partner gets focused on working out to the point of spending hours upon hours at the gym. While the focus on health is good, the time away from the relationship will cause problems.

If you notice yourself being too focused on what’s going on just in your life or on a life goal, step back a bit and bring your partner into the fold.

It’s possible to engage him in your interests or you can pull back a little and find some time to spend with him doing something you both enjoy.

Power and Control Issues

There’s no relationship more challenging than a relationship between two alphas. The power struggle is inevitable unless you know how to manage the situation.

And it is manageable.

You can check out more in this article.

Unmet Needs

It can be very scary to put yourself out there in a relationship, even one you’ve been in for a while.

The problem is that then, your needs are most likely not being met. Then, you’re frustrated because he isn’t doing what you wish he would do. But this is mostly because he doesn’t know what you want him to do.

Instead of keeping those things inside, sit down together when you’re both happy and discuss the issue.

Most men in love will work very hard to show their love through actions. Nothing pleases a guy more than doing something for the woman he loves.

He wants to be the guy you want him to be, but he can’t be if he doesn’t know what that means, to you.

A Serious Breakdown in Communications

The truth is that if you can’t enjoy open and honest communication with your partner, nothing else matters. Most of the issues you’re reading about here today can be resolved, at least in part, with better communication.

And communication isn’t just speaking, it’s listening. In fact, the most important aspect of communicating is listening.

But you cannot listen if you aren’t hearing him. What I mean by this is if you’re so wrapped up in your own misery, you won’t be able to see or understand his.

You both must force yourselves into seeing the other person’s perspective if you’re to have any hope of resolving your differences. Set aside your own egos long enough to realize that your partner is hurting, and you want to know how to fix it.

How Can You Stop Fighting?Change How You Communicate

One of the most important things you and your partner can do is recognize that fighting may be the way you communicate and that what you need is a new system of communication. Many people grow up in an environment where every time someone communicates, it’s through yelling.

But when someone yells at you, how do you feel? Attacked? Belittled? Bullied?

And this makes you want to do what? Defend yourself? Crawl into a shell? Fight back?

None of those feelings or responses are healthy ways to communicate with someone you’re supposed to love.

When things are calm and quiet, you can try to approach your partner and discuss all the fighting. Not everything needs to be an argument, but maybe, habitually, it is.

If this starts another argument, simply walk away. Don’t be mean about it.

You know Gregg, I wanted to calmly discuss this with you, but this doesn’t seem like a good time. When you feel like you can calmly discuss this with me, let me know.

Sometimes, just calling someone out on their behavior wakes them up to it. He might not realize he wasn’t being calm to begin with.

On the other hand, if his behavior makes you feel unsafe, it may be time to get out of the relationship. More on that later.

Give Active Listening a Try

People think that communication is all about talking, but it may be more about listening. Everyone wants to be heard, and often, we yell because we don’t think we’re being heard.

That yelling may not come in the form of vocal expression. It might be a lot of tattoos or dying your hair Christmas red – things to bring attention to yourself.

Or it might be through yelling.

Active listening involves not just hearing someone else’s words but noticing their body language too.

For example, arms folded over your chest is known as closed body language. It means you aren’t really receptive to the conversation. Looking down or away may signal shame or a lack of interest in the conversation.

But listening also involves shutting down your own brain while the other person is speaking. Someone who lacks confidence will interrupt the speaker, formulate their own, better response while the other person is listening, or maybe just check out completely.

Instead, invest in what the speaker is saying. Truly hear the words, not how they relate to you, but how they relate to the speaker.

Save thinking up your own response for after the speaker has finished. By the time they’re done, if you’re really listening, you might say something different than what you were planning in the middle of their statement.

Pause Before Speaking

Once the speaker has stopped talking, take a moment to reflect on what was said. This is especially important if you’re in the middle of a disagreement.

Once you’ve reflected for a moment, repeat back what you think you heard.

Gregg, it feels like you just said that you want to spend more quality time together as a couple, rather than with friends all the time. Is that right?

It might feel childish, but many misunderstandings begin right there – not fully getting what the speaker just said to you.

Regardless of how well you try to listen, we tend to inject our own experiences into what other people say. By repeating it back, you can make sure that what you understand is what was said.

He may say, Yes, I enjoy our friends, but I feel like we don’t have enough time alone together. I’d like to fix that.

Now you have something to work with.

See the Situation Through Someone Else’s Eyes

It’s important to take a moment or two to try to see the situation through the speaker’s perspective.

You’re both coming at your relationship from different places, but nobody likes to change, so everyone can quickly become unhappy if neither of you takes the time to consider the other person’s point of view.

Additionally, some folks may have triggers from their past life that you don’t intend to set off. A random blow up over something that seems innocuous to you may mean you’ve accidentally set off a trigger.

Kate began dating too soon after her divorce and found herself with a few triggers. Out of the blue, her new boyfriend would say something, and she’d just fly off the handle. She always regretted it, but it took a bit of introspection for her to realize what was happening.

Her ex-husband had been emotionally abusive and something her new boyfriend said, not intending to be abusive, struck a nerve.

Once she learned that she had triggers, she was better able to control her reactions. She also took a few moments to explain to her new boyfriend what had happened, asking for his patience and apologizing for her blowup.

Give one another a little grace to overcome past hurts and bad habits. Be willing to listen, truly listen, to what your partner is saying and recognize where they’re coming from.

Acknowledge One Another’s Feelings

Whether you agree with their feelings and emotions or not, acknowledge them.

Many times, people hide their feelings, and this just makes a situation worse. Instead of tiptoeing around one another’s feelings, allow a safe space where you can each share how you’re feeling about any situation that comes up.

If you can’t be honest with one another, you don’t have a very solid foundation for your relationship.

Get to the Real Root of the Problem

Many times, the argument isn’t really about what it seems to be about. There is often a deeper root cause.

To do so, try some of these questions:

Where is this coming from?How long has this been going on?Why can’t we see eye-to-eye?How can we better understand one another’s point of view?How can we move forward from here?

These answers might not come right in the moment, but once you plant the seed and let it sit for a while, the answers will usually come. Once you have a better handle on where it’s coming from, it’s easier to work through it.

Step Away

Sometimes, it’s just time to walk away from the argument. Nothing good comes when emotions are high. In fact, those emotions prevent you from thinking logically, so you’re not going to solve anything anyway.

Stepping away allows you to calm down and take a breath. It also allows a break in the argument, which is necessary.

Additionally, you’re both probably to the point of just wanting to win the argument, regardless of how it impacts the other person. There is no winner if you both walk away – but there’s no loser either. You’re simply waiting until you’re both calmer and can discuss things logically.

Whether you physically walk away or simply retreat into your own mind for a bit, stepping away allows you to regain perspective and go at things from a calmer position.

Figure Out If You Can Move Forward and How to do So

Once you’ve calmly talked things through and done your work, it’s time to determine how you move forward so that you don’t keep rehashing the same old stuff over and over.

Hopefully, you’ve developed an understanding of the root problem, and you can both determine what changes you can make to put this disagreement behind you.

The changes can be big or small, but one thing is for sure. If you change nothing, you’ll be right back here again, sooner than later.

If it looks like your differences are too great to overcome, then your only option is to end the relationship. If you can’t agree to disagree or learn how to resolve your differences, there’s no point in continuing the relationship.

Fight Only About the Current Disagreement

When people argue, they tend to dig up every single previous argument or grievance they’ve ever had with that person.

This isn’t fair. Keep your disagreement about the current problem. If you have other unresolved problems, work them out at another time.

Once a disagreement is settled, you must let it go. Forgive one another and move forward.

Wrapping Up

Whether you separate or stay together, there is at least one thing to be learned from the experience of sorting out your differences.

If you had to split up, you now know what’s important to you in a mate, and you can look for those things, as well as making sure you don’t end up with someone who’s just like the person you just broke up with.

Take some time to become you, out of a relationship, before you jump back into another one. This will help you immensely in choosing your next love interest.

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Learn how to put pennies in the jar, how to communicate effectively and how to fight fair, all inside this great book!

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The post How to Stop Fighting in a Relationship appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

Some couples in a relationship reach a point at about year seven when they become bored, restless, and dissatisfied, often called the seven year itch. They feel a need for something new, which can put their relationships at risk. This restlessness may come a little before or after seven years. It’s a ballpark number.

How can you overcome the seven-year itch? Today, I’m going to give you some pointers!

But First, Why?

Why do relationships slam into this hiccup? What’s going on in the background to cause this boredom?

First, the relationship has probably gone past that honeymoon phase where everything is glorious and good. That can make things feel like they’re stalling out.

Additionally, life can feel like it’s too routine and scheduled. Every day is the same as the one before. That, combined with the end of the honeymoon phase can make the relationship feel very boring.

Now, one or both of you are doubting the relationship, wondering if you need a change. As you transition into doubting whether the two of you are compatible, it may feel like the one constant – the marriage – feels itchy.

Next, you’re scrutinizing the marriage, reviewing it with a big old magnifying glass and little things suddenly feel very big.

What Does the Seven Year Itch Look Like in a Relationship?

There are a few clear signs that your relationship might be approaching the seven year itch:

Poor communicationLack of physical or emotional intimacyIncreased conflict – arguing, hurtful words, criticismSecret-keepingA lack of meaningful time togetherFeeling unappreciatedLack of trustFantasizing about finding a girl/boyfriendA general feeling of dissatisfactionHow to Overcome the Seven Year ItchUse Honest Communication

Great communication is the essence of any great relationship. This is not up for debate. It’s a fact!

That makes your number one tool for overcoming the seven-year itch to make sure you keep communicating with one another. Rather than internalizing these feelings of boredom, express them with your partner. It’s possible that he’s feeling the same way.

Be honest about how you’re feeling. It isn’t a judgement on him, or you. It’s just how you feel.

Rather than arguing, work on finding things you can do together that will stoke the fire and add some excitement to your lives.

Be willing to listen to your partner and brainstorm together how to overcome this roadblock.

Add a Little Spark!

Remember when you were first dating, and the spark was alive? That’s what has flittered out a little, so it’s time to reignite it. But how?

It’s easy when a relationship is new to enjoy that spark. You’re always learning new things and doing new things together.

You haven’t lost that, it’s just been shoved in the closet, and it’s time to drag it out!

Plan a surprise for your partner – cook his favorite dinner or go to his favorite restaurant. Maybe you surprise him with something from when you were first dating, like repeating a fun date or going to the place where you enjoyed your first date.

You can also plan an adventure together, like a hiking trip in a new location, trying something new together, or taking a trip to a destination you’ve both been wanting to visit.

Squash the Seven Year Itch with Time Together

By the seven-year mark, some couples have children together and life has gotten a little busy. If not children, careers can push you into a place where there’s less time for each other because careers have taken a front seat, making the seven year itch a greater possibility.

It’s time to schedule time to be together. Many couples, when planning their weekly or monthly schedules, automatically ink in a date night or two.

Notice I said ink, not pencil.

This makes that time together a priority. It’s a kid-free, tech-free time when you get together and regroup as a couple. Maybe you talk about that trip you want to take or other things going on in your relationship.

*Note* this isn’t a time for arguing or discussing antagonistic topics.

Evaluate Your Assumptions

When your feelings about your relationship are negative, you can get caught up in your own head and fail to recognize the feelings of your partner.

Instead of asking him what he’s thinking or feeling, you assume, and usually incorrectly. This is often your own anxiety over the situation taking over.

By the same token, don’t expect him to know or understand what you’re thinking or feeling.

Open and honest communication is key. You can’t be afraid to say what you’re feeling or to ask him what he’s feeling. You might not like the answer, but then again, the solution may be hiding behind unspoken words!

Spend More Time Together

I think that a great way for couples to be closer to one another is to find a hobby to share or combine a hobby you each have into a new hobby.

For example, if your guy is into cars and you’re into photography, you can go to car shows and take great photos. If he’s into gardening and you love to write, start a gardening blog where you share tips and advice. Perhaps one of you loves to cook and the other enjoys creating beautiful tablescapes. Have parties and invite friends over to enjoy the cooking and the visuals.

The point is to share an interest in something and spend time together pursuing that interest. It could be travel, gardening, cooking, building things, working on cars, or a host of other activities.

Appreciate One Another

This is an often-overlooked thing in many relationships. We get so caught up in life that we forget to say thank you, even for the smallest things.

And yet, those two words can mean so much. It can be the lift you need at the end of a busy day; or it can be a bright star in an otherwise crappy day.

For some people, appreciation is their love language, which means it’s even more important to them.

Re-Evaluate Your Friendships

Do you have a circle of friends (couples) who are in healthy or toxic relationships? If your friends are all in the midst of breakups or miserable relationships, it can naturally bleed into yours as well.

Make sure that the people you’re hanging with, whether as a couple or individually, are positive and upbeat people who lift you up, instead of bringing you down. This doesn’t mean you abandon friends who are going through something tough, but guard yourself against getting sucked into the I’m so miserable mantra.

Try Counseling

Sometimes, the rut is too deep and it’s best to seek professional counseling. Couples’ counselors are trained to manage these very situations, and they can help you iron out the difficulties.

They know just what to look for, which questions to ask, and how to help you work your way out of that deep rut.

What Not to Do When the Going Gets Tough

Just as there are things to do to help your relationship during the seven year itch, there are things you shouldn’t do.

Avoid Seeking Comfort in the Wrong Places

While that guy your best friend just dumped is handsome and all, avoid seeking comfort through him. In fact, unless it’s your gay best friend, avoid seeking comfort or advice from any guy – other than me, of course.

Sharing the negative details of your relationship might place you in a more intimate situation than you originally intended and could lead to something you’ll regret later.

Avoid Drugs and Alcohol

Seeking solace from alcohol or a mood-altering drug isn’t a permanent fix and will only lead to trouble later.

If you’re a recovering addict, reach out to your sponsor or a counselor and get the guidance you need to move past the cravings.

If you aren’t a recovering addict, the pull can still be very strong, but mood altering drugs aren’t the answer and they won’t make you brave enough to have that conversation you need to have.

Avoid a Shopping Spree

While there’s no disputing that a shopping spree often feels good at the time, you can soon have buyer’s remorse and then, instead of feeling great, you feel even worse.

All a shopping spree does is lift some hormones for a while, but once the spree is over and the hormones are gone, the same problems still exist, except now you’ve spent money you probably shouldn’t have spent.

Don’t Change Jobs or Careers

When you’re experiencing a disruption in your relationship, it’s a bad time to disrupt another part of your life too.

The truth of the matter is that your generalized unhappiness is stemming from something other than your career, so get your relationship in order first, then tackle the job situation.

If such a decision is really imperative, discuss it with your partner, don’t just make a blanket decision, assuming that the relationship is nearly over anyway, so what the heck…

Don’t Retreat Further into Yourself

While it might feel like a way to feel safer, it’s no way to solve the relationship issues you’re experiencing. Instead, be open and honest with your partner about how you’re feeling. The only way to solve this is to go straight through it, not to retreat away from it.

How Do You Know if it’s Really Over?

Sometimes, the damage is done and there’s just no clear way through the problems you’re battling. But how do you know?

You’re Experiencing Domestic Abuse

Not all abuse is physical. Some is emotional.

Gaslighting is an example of emotional abuse. When someone is gaslighting you, they’re trying to force you to believe a reality that isn’t actually real. For example, someone may convince you that you’re not competent enough to manage your finances, just so they can steal from you.

Of course, physical abuse is just that. Someone is physically hurting you, possibly making you believe you’re a terrible person who deserves it.

As difficult as it is to leave a situation like this, you must. There are professional people and organizations available to help you safely leave this type of relationship. Check your local area for resources if you need them.

When Counseling Doesn’t Help

A counselor will advise you if your relationship can or cannot be saved. Their effort will be to save it, but there also comes a time when the reality is that something cannot be saved.

By seeking counseling first, you know you’ve tried everything possible to save the relationship before ending it.

Additionally, I have an article that will help you identify signs that a relationship is over.

Wrapping Up How to Overcome the Seven Year Itch

Not all relationships hit this roadblock, but some do, and if your relationship is one, then using better communication, trying to spark things up, and focusing more on spending time with one another will help you get back on track.

Too often in our society today, couples are too quick to give up on one another, leaving yet another broken relationship to heal from in their wake. By shifting your focus from your boredom and unhappiness to doing things together and making one another happy, you have a better chance of soothing that itch and moving on together!

The post How to Overcome the Seven Year Itch appeared first on Who Holds the Cards Now.

Keeping secrets in relationships might feel like a good idea at the time, but ultimately, they cause much more harm than good.

Most often, we keep secrets as a protective measure. We’re either afraid of repercussions, embarrassment, or of hurting someone else.

But keeping secrets in relationships can cause real harm and often feel like deep betrayal. Today, I’d like to dig into why people keep secrets, the harm it can do, and whether it’s possible to overcome that damage.

One thing before we dig in. I want to distinguish the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy involves not sharing things that don’t directly impact your relationship, like something work-related. Secrecy involves not sharing something that is relevant to the relationship or could potentially harm it.

Why Do People Keep Secrets?

It seems logical to start here, doesn’t it? Why do people keep secrets? We’ve been doing it since the beginning of time, so it isn’t something new.

Keeping Secrets in Relationships to Protect Yourself

It’s natural to want to protect yourself from harm of course, but sometimes that protective measure can ultimately cause more harm than good.

Avoid Judgement

One reason you might keep a secret is to avoid being judged by someone. Let’s say you’ve met a new guy, and you really like him, but you’re afraid that if you tell him you’re a recovering alcoholic, he may judge you and shy away.

So, you keep that secret from him, thinking it’s not really very important anyway. You haven’t had a drink in years, afraid he’ll judge you for what you believe is a prior weakness.

Allow me to play devil’s advocate for a second, okay?

Suppose you told him about your recovery journey and instead of weakness, he sees incredible strength. He recognizes that recovering from alcoholism is very difficult, and the fact that you’ve been sober for several years is admirable.

In fact, he supports you in your sober journey and abstains from alcohol himself.

We cannot control what others think and feel, but it is important for any potential partner to know all of you so he can love all of you. If he truly loves you, he won’t judge you for your past but will instead see it as part of what makes you the beautiful woman you are today.

Conversely, a man who does judge you for your past shouldn’t be part of your future anyway, so see ya later pal!

Avoid Negative Consequences

Sometimes, people keep secrets to avoid more serious consequences, like legal or social repercussions.

It may be that releasing your secret will cause you to experience some very negative consequences, like revealing that you’ve been having an affair with your best friend’s ex-boyfriend. Socially, this may put you in danger of losing not only that friendship, but the friendships of those who will stand with your friend.

You may keep your political affiliation a secret, fearing that you’ll lose friends if they know you’re on the opposite side.

Self-Preservation

Sometimes, we see keeping a secret as a way to keep ourselves from getting hurt or avoid a conflict with someone.

For example, you may see something going on at work that is wrong – so very wrong that you really should tell someone to keep others from being harmed. So you do it – you become a whistle-blower, but you don’t want the whole world to know.

Often, whistle-blowers get a bum rap and that’s the last thing you want, but you are still committed to doing the right thing.

Another secret kept for self-preservation is if you’re a victim of domestic abuse. Even though friends and family can see the bruises and scars, you deny, deny, deny out of self-preservation. The fear of retaliation from your abuser is real and it’s strong so you keep the secret.

Maintain Confidentiality

Sometimes, a secret must be kept so you can keep your promise of confidentiality, whether it’s a workplace confidentiality or a promise you made to a friend.

Those promises aren’t made lightly, and in the case of workplace confidentiality, you may put yourself at legal risk if you divulge anything.

Keeping Secrets Because of Low Self-Esteem

Sometimes, we keep secrets because self-esteem is low, and you fear people won’t accept you if you share. Instead of prioritizing the truth, you put the opinions of others ahead of your own opinion of yourself, making secret-keeping a necessity.

These types of secrets might relate to your past, your finances, your true living situation, or a host of other things that you think others will judge you for. You crave their acceptance, so you keep those things a secret.

The Consequences of Keeping Secrets in Relationships

Secret-keeping never ends well. There are several negative consequences that can harm your relationship.

Emotional Distress

The stress of keeping a secret weighs on you to the point of emotional distress. You may feel guilty for not sharing your secret with your partner, or you might feel anxious that he’ll figure it out and leave you.

You may also feel isolated because you have this secret and you’re so terrified of someone finding out that you socially isolate yourself as a means of protection.

Eroding Trust

While your partner might not know right now that you have a secret, he will eventually find out, one way or another.

When he does, he will feel as if he can’t trust you like he did before. This is true of any relationship you have. The person who’s been kept in the dark will often feel betrayed and will find it hard to believe the things you say moving forward.

Health Issues

Keeping secrets is stressful and puts you in a state of chronic stress, which, in turn, causes damage to your mind and body.

When you’re experiencing chronic stress, you’re essentially in a constant state of fight or flight, with the hormones associated with that stress constantly flowing through your body.

These hormones are meant to be temporary, turned on and off when required, so to have them running all of the time causes many problems like a higher risk of heart attack, high blood pressure, sleep issues, sexual dysfunction, headaches, and a host of others.

Limited Growth

By keeping a secret, you’re stalling out your relationships and probably some aspects of your life.

In today’s world of everything being available to find online, it’s difficult to keep some secrets, so eventually, someone will find out. But meanwhile, what damage are you doing to yourself and others?

For one, your relationship with your partner will stall out at some point. You may feel ashamed without your partner having a clue as to why. Additionally, you might inadvertently put emotional distance between yourself and your partner as a means of protecting that secret.

Lack of Resources

When you keep a secret, you’re limiting the resources available to trouble-shoot the problem.

Sometimes, friends and family members can see solutions that you cannot, but by keeping them out of the loop, they just know something is wrong, but they don’t know what to do to help. Whether you mean to or not, you’re putting distance between you and others by not allowing them to help.

Relationship Toxins

Imagine that your relationship is like a garden. When it’s new, it’s mostly seedlings or very small plants that you’ve placed so they will grow.

As time passes, these seedlings and plants continue to grow until one day, some of them die off and others look pretty weak.

What you don’t know is that there’s an undercurrent of poison beneath your garden, slowly killing the roots of your plants as they grow.

That’s how secrets work in a relationship. They create an undercurrent of poison beneath the relationship you’re trying to grow.

Reduced Intimacy

People mistake intimacy for sex. Sex does not create intimacy. If it did, prostitutes would have an intimate relationship with their partners, but they don’t.

Intimacy is built through building trust and sharing experiences together – good and bad. You build intimacy when you trust that you can share your deepest vulnerabilities with your partner without repercussions.

By keeping secrets, you erode that intimacy and create an environment where there is no trust.

Not All Secrets are Kept for Malicious Reasons

Just because someone has a secret doesn’t mean they intend to do any harm to anyone. As you read, many secrets are kept for reasons of self-preservation, not to harm someone else. Other secrets are kept to keep from harming someone.

Other times, someone may not recognize the harm that the secret will cause, or they may believe that the truth of the situation is inconsequential and therefore not necessary to share.

But that doesn’t take away the sting when you find out someone has kept something from you or vice versa, does it?

Overcoming Keeping Secrets in Relationships

I guess it all sounds kind of hopeless at this point, right? Those secrets are there, waiting to bubble up to the surface. What can you do?

There are two perspectives to work through. The first is if you’re the one keeping the secret, and the second is if your partner has kept a secret from you.

When You Have the Secret

The first thing to do is look at the underlying cause of your secret-keeping.

Karrie had a mother who had serious anger management issues, so she learned from a young age to keep secrets from her. Of course, her mother always discovered her secrets because she would go through Karrie’s things, and then there was hell to pay.

And yet, Karrie continued to keep secrets from her mother because she could at least delay the wrath of her mother and hope that this secret wouldn’t be discovered.

Into adulthood, Karrie maintained her fear of sharing things because she had a conditioned fear response to sharing her secrets. Regardless of what she told her mother, there was always an angry outburst to follow. She was damned if she did and damned if she didn’t.

Your cause for keeping secrets might not be so dramatic, but what is the root of your need to keep secrets? When you decide to share your secret with your partner, it may help to have a deeper understanding of your own issues as a way to diffuse the situation.

Be Honest and Open

When it’s time to share your secret, be as open and honest with your partner as you can be. You cannot control his reaction, regardless of how many times you’ve anxiously played out this scenario in your head.

Be open to discussing your feelings, and his, as you work through sharing your secret. Remember, he’s with you now because he loves and cares for you, so while he may be angry, he still wants to help.

Take Responsibility

You’re the one who kept this secret and has now caused whatever damage was done to your relationship. Take ownership of your actions and acknowledge that this is your responsibility.

Don’t sit there and find others to blame. That only makes things worse. Yes, someone from your past might have conditioned you to keep secrets, like Karrie’s mom, but you still made a choice that you need to own.

Show Remorse and Apologize

While an apology may feel empty in the moment, it’s important in the healing process. Also, it’s important to express how sorry you are for keeping this secret in the first place.

These two things go a long way in repairing the damage the secret may have caused.

But know that your partner may still need time to reconcile his own feelings. While you’ve been dealing with this secret for a while, he just now discovered it and he needs to catch up.

Resolve to Work on the Problem

The most important thing someone wants to know is whether they can expect this to happen again. If something in your past has conditioned you to keep secrets, then it’s time to work on that, perhaps with a professional.

This will help your partner understand that you truly want to do better and be a better person.

Set Boundaries

For the future of your relationship, you need boundaries that establish what information you both feel should be shared versus what you can keep to yourself. Additionally, set boundaries for conflict resolution, like no yelling or bringing up past offenses.

Share Your Vulnerabilities

Nobody wants to feel vulnerable, and that’s sometimes why we keep secrets, but sharing those vulnerabilities builds trust and intimacy in your relationship, so they’re necessary!

By sharing your vulnerabilities, you can re-establish trust and help your partner feel safe in the relationship again.

Be a Good Listener

By sharing your secret, you’ve uncapped whatever reaction your partner will have. Rather than arguing with him, listen. He’s hurt now and feeling betrayed.

Listen to what he has to say and then formulate a response that is empathetic and meets his needs in this situation, not yours.

Be Willing to do Couple’s Therapy

It’s possible that the only way around this deception is with couple’s therapy. These therapists are great at working through relationship issues and giving both of you tools to help you move forward in a healthy way.

If He Has the Secret

If your partner is revealing a secret to you, there are some things you can do to work through the situation.

Be Empathetic

Everyone has had a secret at some point, so be empathetic as your partner shares his secret. Acknowledge the difficulty he experienced in getting the courage to share with you at this time.

Put yourself in his shoes – what would you want someone to say to you? If you could have your wish of the best outcome of sharing your own secret, what would you want to see and hear? Do and say that!

Acknowledge the Vulnerability

By sharing his secret, your partner is showing his soft underbelly and he’s very scared. He’s showing a great level of vulnerability and it’s important that you acknowledge this.

In some instances, it may be helpful for you to share your own vulnerability with him. Maybe not in that exact moment, but soon after. This way, he sees that you trust him as much as he trusted you.

Temper Your Reaction

His secret may make you feel angry or upset, but you have control of your emotions, and this is an important time to exercise that control.

Doing things like counting to ten can help you avoid reacting in a way that you’ll regret later, so start there.

Give yourself a moment to process not just how this is impacting you, but how it’s impacting him. He’s scared to death that he’ll lose you because of this secret – that’s why he kept it to begin with.

So, take some time to react in a way that’s healthier for your relationship. Take a few deep breaths and consider your words before you say them.

Don’t Interrupt

Allow him to say what he wants to say without interruption. You may feel immediate empathy and want to reach out, but it took a lot of courage for him to experience this moment with you and he needs to get everything out.

Force yourself to wait to speak. This will allow you to respond appropriately and to be sure your reaction is appropriate and not impulsive.

Use “I” Statements

It’s so important to use “I” statements in any challenging conversation. Instead of saying, “You just laid a lot on me” you can say, “I need a few moments to process what you just said.”

It’s hard to argue with something someone says when they use “I” instead of “you.” It’s a more effective way of expressing what you’re feeling without placing blame at the same time.

Restate What You Heard

Once you’ve processed what he’s said, paraphrase it and state it back to him, “What I heard you say, Jim, is that you’ve been keeping your financial situation from me while you try to improve it. Am I right?”

This way, you can say back what you think you heard, and he can make any corrections if he wants or needs to. It helps keep things on track and avoids misunderstandings.

In Either Direction…

There are things to do, regardless of who’s keeping the secret.

Take a Break

Once the person holding the secret has shared it, it may be a good idea to take a break from one another so you can both process what just happened.

In this way, you avoid saying things you’ll only want to take back later, and you give yourself time to process the words between you.

Once you’re both feeling calm and collected again, you can come back together and have a more meaningful discussion about the situation and what to do next.

Have a Calm Discussion

This is why you walk away for a bit. You can both allow your emotions to settle down. The person who’s kept the secret probably had some fight or flight hormones flowing through, so this gives them time to let those abate and return to normal.

Additionally, you’ll never have a healthy discussion with angry or spiteful words.

Place Emphasis on Understanding

Rather than worry about placing blame, which is a waste of time, focus your energy on understanding why this happened.

If the secret-keeper has something from their past that’s led them here, you can be more understanding of how their life has led them here.

Then, you can work through strategies to help you both be more honest with one another in the future.

Consider Couple’s Therapy

I just wrote about this, but it can be so important and helpful, especially if the underlying cause is in your relationship.

A professional will provide you with the tools required to rebuild trust and work through the issues raised when the secret was revealed.

Consider Individual Therapy

Many times, these fears and habits are formed many years before you met your partner, so individual therapy can also be helpful in eliminating the need to keep secrets in the first place. You can work through the conditioning you have and learn to be more vulnerable.

The Timing of Sharing a Secret

There are good and bad times to share a secret. Let’s quickly look at both so you know when it’s a good time to share.

Don’t Share When…It’s bedtimeOne or both of you are already in a bad moodOne or both of you are drunk or highEither of you are already stressed about something elseEither of you are too tired or not feeling wellThere’s already something negative you’re dealing withGood Times to ShareWhen you’re both feeling calm and happyWhen neither of you is in a hurryAt a time when you’re somewhere privateWrapping Up Keeping Secrets in Relationships

Obviously, keeping secrets in a relationship isn’t usually a good idea. You may feel as if you’re sparing your partner from something awful or from worrying, but in the end, they will feel resentful and the trust between you will take a hit.

Still, things happen, and we all have secrets, so hopefully the advice above will help you share your secret in a way that will provide the best results.

Just remember, no matter how much time you anxiously spend imagining his reaction to your secret, you cannot control how he will react. All you can control is how you react to him once he knows.

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