Every relationship goes through some bumps. It’s normal and expected that you won’t always agree on every little thing, and if you do, someone probably isn’t being genuine. But what are the signs of an unhealthy relationship? What are the relationship red flags you should be watching for?

Relationship Red Flags: Emotional Abuse & Control

People think the only type of abuse someone can heap on someone else is physical abuse, but emotional abuse can be just as damaging, if not more so.

Sometimes, they go together, but there are other times when emotional abuse is the only tool your partner might need.

Shaming and Blaming

A favorite tool of emotional abusers is shaming and blaming. This type of emotional abuse can go both ways, or it can be one partner shaming and blaming the other.

If it’s going both ways, it creates a constant environment of conflict and defensiveness. You’re always on guard for the next attack, and you don’t really have any loving feelings toward your partner because you’re too busy planning the next attack.

If someone is shaming and blaming you, but you aren’t returning it, it can be devastating to your self-esteem and self-worth, as well as your confidence. When someone is shaming and blaming you, chances are you both know that the one doing the shaming is the one who should be blamed, but you don’t dare say a word.

This dynamic won’t stop unless one or both of you seek counseling, or you end the relationship – and even then, it might not stop.

When there is shame and blame in a relationship, there is no trust left, no intimacy, and nothing but conflict, stress, and anxiety. You’re left feeling frustrated, hopeless, and angry.

When shaming and blaming goes both ways, it’s a most unhealthy dynamic that’s rooted in a need to have control, a power struggle, or feelings of insecurity.

When someone is shaming and blaming you, it’s his way of showing that he feels insecure and out of control as well. He cannot admit to his own faults, so he pushes them off on you.

Controlling Your Every Move

Sometimes, emotional abuse shows up as someone exercising full control over you. He might even go as far as putting a tracking device on your phone or car so he can always know where you are.

He may force you to quit your job, so he knows where you are. He may also restrict your access to transportation for the same reason. A guy who’s controlling in this way will also isolate you from your friends and family. He doesn’t want anyone telling you how awful you’re being treated.

Some who control will even deprive you of your basic needs, keeping you locked up in a room for hours and unable to access food or water.

Are these extreme situations? Yes. But they do happen to people and it’s no joke.

This type of relationship is very difficult to extricate yourself from, but that shouldn’t stop you. Somehow, you need to find a way to access a domestic abuse hotline and get yourself some help. There are networks with goals of keeping you safe and hidden from your abuser, navigating you to a new and safe location where you cannot be found.

Excessive Jealousy

People who get jealous have very low confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. Sometimes, it can also come from broken attachment styles and a fear of being abandoned.

While you’re in a relationship with them, they don’t believe they deserve someone like you, so they’re always on the lookout for you to find someone better.

You may be accused of cheating, even though you aren’t. You might find him following you when you say you’re going to be somewhere, making sure you’re actually doing what you said you were going to do.

He will constantly question your loyalty to him and your relationship, finding small tidbits to hold against you and prove that he’s right.

In some instances, you might be aware of his background and what’s led him to be so jealous. In other cases, it might seem to come out of nowhere.

The best path forward in this type of situation is to seek professional counseling, both individually and as a couple. He must learn to overcome his fears and anxieties and you should work on determining why this type of person appeals to you so you can fix that in yourself. As a couple, a counselor can help you learn how to interact with one another and build trust.

Constant Criticism

“You’re not wearing that again, are you? It makes you look so fat.”

“Do you really think anyone is going to listen to what you have to say? Please.”

These are mild examples of constant criticism. This type of emotional abuse has the same negative impact as shaming and blaming.

Constant criticism erodes the trust between you, if there was any to begin with. It makes you feel insecure and strikes at the root of your self-esteem and self-worth.

As a victim of constant criticism, you may feel a range of emotions from anger and frustration to loneliness and isolation. You feel as if your only recourse is to withdraw from the relationship as a protective measure.

Ultimately, no relationship can survive this type of abuse without professional intervention, just as with the other types of emotional abuse.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term with roots in a 1944 movie entitled Gaslight. In the movie, the husband tries to convince his wife that she’s going insane. Gaslighting today means much the same thing.

When someone is gaslighting you, they’re trying to change your perception of what’s real by trying to tell you things that simply aren’t true. He attempts to make you doubt what you believe, see, and hear.

For example, he might tell you that he didn’t abuse you, you imagined it or you had it coming, or some such nonsense. The attempt of the person who’s gaslighting is to twist information in such a way that you question what’s real. He knows he’s won when you believe what he tries to tell you.

Someone engaging in gaslighting wants power and control over you. It might just be for the power and control, or it might be a bigger sense of power and control, like over a business or financial interest.

Threats and Intimidation

This is a great way to get someone to comply – threaten either your health, or worse yet, the health of someone you love.

Someone shouldn’t need to threaten you to be in a relationship with them, or to do things with them (unless they’re illegal of course). If you care for someone, you want to do those things.

Making Love Conditional

First of all, this isn’t love. Someone’s love for you does not depend on whether you comply with their requests of you, ridiculous or not. If someone loves you truly, they love you because of you, not what you bring to the relationship or what they can coerce you into doing.

Being loved does not mean doing something someone asks you to do or else. If someone is doing this to you, they don’t love you, not even a little bit.

Withholding Affection and Even Love

The silent treatment is an effective tool because it drives people crazy. You know the other person is upset and yet they just glare at you, or worse yet, ignore you completely.

You become desperate to get them to talk to you, and eventually, you either apologize for whatever infraction they perceive you’ve committed, or you give in to whatever it is they want.

This isn’t love. This is control and definitely emotional abuse.

Relationship Red Flags: Lack of Support and Respect

Relationships aren’t just about love or emotional attachments; they’re also about mutual respect and support.

Relationship red flags relating to a lack of support and respect are sometimes a little more subtle, but just as harmful.

Setting Aside Your Needs and Feelings

What you need from a relationship, or even outside of it, is as important as what your partner needs. Together, you should be striving to support one another in having your needs met. In most relationships, this means that sometimes one person needs more than the other, so the energy of the relationship shifts to help meet those needs.

Eventually, the needs balance returns to something more even until the next thing hits. An example of this might be when you have the flu. You feel terrible and just want to stay in bed – no, you need to stay in bed so you can get better, but your partner doesn’t care. He wants his breakfast, and he wants it five minutes ago.

Your needs are set aside because he wants what he wants and doesn’t give a whit about your needs.

Additionally, sometimes you need to support one another. Losing a loved one, like a parent or close friend, puts you in a position of needing some extra support. You want loving arms to encircle you and tell you that everything will be okay.

But in some relationships, it doesn’t matter what type of support you need, he’s not going to provide it. Of course, when he needs support, he expects you to deliver, but if you need it, bah.

Not Supporting Your Personal Growth

This is another area in which there may be occasional imbalance, but eventually, things should return to a somewhat balanced state.

For example, if you decide you want to make a career move that requires you to gain more education, your partner should step up and be supportive. Depending on what your relationship is like, this might include anything from helping with meals to driving the kids to soccer practice or even helping you study for big tests.

Relationship red flags are waving big and wide if he just doesn’t care. He isn’t going to change what he’s doing just so you can go off and do ‘god knows what’ while he’s hard at work. No siree, he’s not helping with that.

You should both be setting and attaining goals and working toward a constant upward growth trajectory. You support one another where you can and step up for one another when necessary.

You’re the One to Blame

Someone who cannot take responsibility for his own actions isn’t worth your time. People will screw up their lives, time and time again, and without fail, blame someone else, like you. You’re the problem.

He can’t get that promotion because of you, somehow. He didn’t win the football pool because of you, somehow.

We talked about shaming and blaming a little above as a form of emotional abuse, but it also falls into the category of having no respect for you. You’re expendable. Who cares if the world thinks you’re some woman who won’t support her guy? He sure doesn’t.

Nothing is Private

There is no reason for anyone, and I mean anyone (maybe a police officer with a warrant is the exception) to go through your phone, email, or social media accounts.

Your privacy doesn’t end when you enter a relationship. Now, some people don’t mind sharing, but others do, and it’s up to you to decide just how much access you want to give your partner.

I recommend that, at least until you’re married, that access is none, and even then, if you see other relationship red flags, the answer remains none.

Even going through your personal belongings crosses a line. The proverbial trip to the bathroom where the medicine cabinet door just happens to fly open while he’s washing his hands is a no-no.

You have the right to share things about your life when you are ready to do so, not when he demands it of you.

Additional Areas of ConcernFinances

There are a few concerns when it comes to finances.

One is financial irresponsibility. Being with someone who spends more than he earns, or spends your money instead of his own, is financially irresponsible and he’s waving big relationship red flags!

Another way this can be concerning is if he restricts your access to any accounts you share with him. When you’re married, if you choose to have a joint account, then you both have the right to have access to it, regardless of who’s putting the money in.

And the last financial concern is someone who just plain doesn’t pay his bills. Bills are a necessary evil. Heck, who doesn’t wish for fewer bills? But that doesn’t mean you don’t pay them.

Letters from creditors, phone calls ignored or dismissed are relationship red flags that shouldn’t be ignored. Don’t be hitching your wagon to a guy who doesn’t pay his bills. It’s bad news coming.

He Has a History of Substance Abuse

I’m all for giving someone a second, and even third chance, but approach with caution when someone has a history of substance abuse. Some substances are extremely hard to kick.

If he’s an honest guy, he’ll tell you he has a substance abuse history, and then you can ask a few questions, the most important of which is how long he’s been sober.

If he says two weeks, he needs more time and isn’t even in a position to be in a relationship. If he says longer than a year, he’s probably a safe bet.

Of course, you also need to know if he’s telling you the truth, and people who are currently abusing are often great liars.

If you believe he’s abusing drugs or alcohol, keep the relationship at arm’s length until you can determine exactly what’s going on. He might just be looking for someone to bankroll his habit.

Unhealthy Communication Styles

Many relationships end due to communication issues. Sometimes, it’s because someone is fearful of being open and honest.

Other times, it’s because the communication style of choice is yelling and aggression. This type of communication will never work long-term. It’s too much speaking and no listening.

Having a discussion isn’t about sharing thoughts, listening to one another, and finding a solution in these situations. It’s about being heard over the other person and a need to be right, regardless of what the speaker is saying.

What people fail to understand about communication is that it’s more about listening than it is about speaking.

What to Do

So, what to do if you’re seeing some relationship red flags waving?

You have two choices – try to fix it or leave it.

A lot is determined on which red flag is waving. If it falls into the emotional abuse category, your odds of fixing it are often lower.

Fixing Relationship Red Flags

Obviously, how you fix things depends on which flags are waving. If you’re in an abusive relationship of any sort, physical, sexual, or emotional, you will need help extricating yourself from the situation.

But there are resources available to help you, as I mentioned above. Your challenge becomes accessing those resources without being discovered, but those people are well aware of your challenges, so don’t hesitate just because of this.

Don’t Dwell on the Past

If you choose to repair the relationship, you must also put the past in the past. You have to allow yourselves to be human and set aside past mistakes.

Otherwise, you’ll find yourself in big arguments that aren’t fair or productive, bringing up those old hurts and holding onto them as if they hold the secret to life.

Let go of, not just his past, but yours too. You not only need to forgive him for anything that happened, but you need to forgive yourself as well.

This is where healing begins.

See One Another Through More Compassionate Eyes

People behave a certain way for a reason, many times out of past hurts.

For example, if someone was abandoned by a parent in their childhood, they might have some big attachment issues and a fear of abandonment. This will make them clingier and more fearful of losing you.

Of course, what they fail to see is that their behavior is what’s pushing you away.

If you know what’s behind your partner’s negative behaviors and show compassion, it opens a road to healing. He might be afraid that if you find out about whatever his past is, you’ll leave him, so he’d rather push you away first.

Compassion goes a long way in helping people understand that they’re worth being in a relationship with you.

Do Therapy – Individual and Couples

Old wounds often need professional assistance to heal, and the damage that’s been done to your relationship will heal more adequately if you seek professional help.

But you both must work on yourselves too. It isn’t just a him problem or a you problem. It’s a both of you problem.

By working separately and together, you’re able to heal things from both sides and come together in a healthier way.

Find Your Support System

Sometimes, there are official support groups to help, like Alanon for people who are in relationships with drug and alcohol abusers.

For other issues, you might just need a good friend who will listen to you and be that shoulder you need to cry on from time to time.

Having a support system gets you through difficult moments and provides you with the strength you need to take next steps.

Mind Your Communication

It’s probably time for a new way of communicating with one another. You have either avoided honesty or you’ve been yelling instead of talking and listening.

Whatever the problem was, it’s time to fix it.

Practice kindness and compassion when you communicate. Listen and don’t interrupt, and save deciding what to say for after the speaker has finished, instead of while they’re talking.

Own Your Role

Even if it seems like your partner was the jealous one who was causing all of the problems, you also have a role, and in order to fix things, you need to identify and own what that role is.

I know it’s more fun to point out his negatives, but you have some too – we all do, and it’s time to own them so you can fix them.

Acknowledge the Changes

As you do your individual healing, also acknowledge the work your partner is putting in. Make sure he knows when you see positive changes. This will help him want to keep making those changes.

Also, recognize that once you both face your issues and heal from them, you will likely be two different people than the two who met. This might mean your relationship is better, or it may indicate that you’re no longer right for one another.

But the work you’ve done is still important because it prepares you to enter a much healthier relationship next time!

Ending the Relationship

If you decide that things have gone too far or it just isn’t going to work out, short of being in an abusive relationship, the best course forward is to agree to separate.

But this is where things get tricky, and again, I’m not talking about abusive relationships here.

When you decide to end things, a lot of how well this will go depends on how connected you are with one another. For example, if you share children, then you’re going to have to see one another and get along.

The last thing you should do is put those kids in between the two of you. They’ve been through enough already with all the turmoil.

If you can make a clean break – there are no kids, no working relationship, that’s best, at least for a while. You go your way, and he can go his. Take time to allow yourself to heal before you get back out there.

If you must see one another due to child or work-related relationships, then you must resolve to get along. Kids deserve parents who can be grown-ups and be civil to one another and nobody at work cares about your past relationship crap, so save it.

I know a couple who is divorced, and yet, the husband and wife are still best friends. Both are remarried now – happily, but they’ve remained very good friends. In fact, they live about one-hundred feet from one another.

It’s possible to get along. Hatred has no place in being a happy, confident person.

Wrap Up

Relationship red flags can wave pretty wildly and yet, people ignore them and live in unhappy relationships for many years, but just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Most of the relationship red flags I’ve outlined above are harmful to your overall well-being, either emotionally, physically, or both.

At some point, you must resolve to end the relationship, and if you need the help of professionals to do so, then seek it out. Life is too short to be miserable.

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