Jasmine Sandozz's Blog

1. Two lonely people don't create wholeness.
2. Loving you gave me high blood pressure.
3. I didn't want to hate him, so I left.
4. I was his favorite drive-thru. He always went home.
5. I didn't want to leave, but I was too prideful to stay.
6. I stayed because I saw him.
7. I innocently missed calls, but he thought I was being promiscuous.
8. The truth is not something he knows because it requires honesty.
9. He brought wars to my world.
10. He lost a lot, but always gained a drink.
11. I wanted to end the intergenerational trauma.
12. I built a home. He decided to go on vacation.
13. I'm not your help.
14. My mom didn't like you and well mothers really do know best.
15. He was lonely so he wandered.
16. Yes I was insecure, but he nurtured my insecurities.
17. He made me cry and didn't notice.
18. His secrets didn't scare me.
19. He knew how to shut me down until I disappeared.
20. I left emotionally before my body followed suit.
21. My dad is consistent, but he is opposite.
22. I can't sleep because nights were his.
23. I planted a seed in him , but out blossomed thorns.
24. The woman in my family have it all
25. I knew he'd give me nothing
26. I had to leave, his presence was his absence.
27. He's the song I listen to and shed a single tear.
28. He sent me a text '....'
29. His smile reminded me he's human
30. You loved games, but it made me toxic.
31. Forgive me, I'm a lover so I loved you.
32. I left him to love me.
33. I'm enjoying my solitude.
34. I belong to love.

I love you
But...
Falling in love is child's play
Like a child...
You are waiting for someone to teach you
How to articulate your feelings
To say what people mean to you
Maybe it's just me --
That I am nothing
But a mean to an end
Your time here is finished
Ironically,
So are we
Platonic
At least that's what you called it
If you don't know how you feel
Your identification is futile
The truth is --
It was unrealistic
The standard I placed was above your comprehension
I'm sorry for thinking you could handle it
Falling in love is child's play
When you...
like a child are silently asking to be loved.

You ask me why I stare at you in your sleep
But you don't know how beautiful you look to me
Or how happy I am to be in your bed
Creating our space in delicate moments
The time always runs out too fast and the clock will always tick
I could live in the memories of our moments until we meet again
Reunited with a hug and a scent I've grown to love
Seconds filled with laughter and smiles
I wonder what took so long for me to get here?
Here --- the place that would land me in your arms
I made a choice to move away
To do something new and unfamiliar
Who knew it would lead me to the best days with you.

Acknowledgement --
In a sense was all I wanted
To say I was there
To show that you cared
That it's not just me regretting the things that lead to our demise
But you ignore
So I endure the silence with heaviness
I feel too much
The memories don't really die
They only magnify in my mind a hundred times a day
And I know you don't deserve me
Yet it bothers me
That it's always left on me
The blame and shame
Acknowledgment --
In a sense was all I wanted
For you to say you made a mistake
Even if it was me.

Dear white people,

I will not apologize for my blackness

I have ancestors who died from jumping off ships 
They didn’t wanna see where they were headed
Ancestors hanging from trees with strange fruit in the breeze

Stop acting like slavery was a thing of the past

It wasn’t that long along and the effects are still present

We aren’t born with white privilege we don’t know how you’re living

Black man does more time for the same crime

That doesn’t add up

White man gets arrested 

Black man gets shot

You tried to turn us against one another

Colorism ---
You taught us how to differentiate ourselves

Putting us on opposing teams

Black on black crime is real because you taught us to hate each other

We’re breaking the barriers 

I love all my black kings and queens

My blackness makes you so uncomfortable

Well that’s a personal problem,
I’d suggest you solve it

My blackness is here to stay

My confidence threatens you for some strange reason

My melanin isn't a trademark, you can use to your gain

This black face isn't something to copy
I’m so proud of this skin

If you’re uncomfortable get over it

I love everything that this black skin represents

I will not apologize for my blackness

That’s what makes me who I am to begin with.

Attachment --- I'm latched in
I didn't sign up to have feelings for you
Yet here I am feeling everything I do
I'm so confused
I got mad love for you
But it probably isn't mutual
This big heart of mine is dangerous
I give out love, but then it's taken for granted
I'll brush it off and give out more love, more life
My feelings sacrificed
Attached to you
Who is detachable
I'll backtrack and build walls back up
But I've already fallen
So into you
You can't see it
I'm so latched in while you are free.

The hardest wound to heal is a open one
You opened me up and lived in my vulnerability
Reassuring my insecurities
I knew it couldn't be
But I was optimistic anyway
I lose myself in the thought of us
Not knowing us wasn't us at all
You lit a fire in me and now I have third degree burns
Smoke in my lungs you are my cancer
You have non cure only treatments
Just when I think you're gone
You reappear and poison me even more
Everyone has to die
I just didn't know you were my cause of death.

I walk in the midst of deja vu
Of me and you
When I was your fool
You had me captive with your words and little action
It made me ecstatic
Until your words deported
Your feet parted ways from my presence
You became a ghost of the past
I became a silhouette stuck where we last met
I tried reasoning with myself
Taking the blame and wearing it in shame
There are days where I feel like I can't forgive you
I let you in and you just left
I'm empty-handed
Abandonment
I can't stand to think you were the earth I revolved around
I gave you light, life and love
Still you ending up obliterating me
Now I revolve only around me.

I don't know how to swim
But the water excites me
I eagerly hop in
The wind blows as if this was a bad decision
I can feel my feet slipping
I'm sinking into blackness
There is no light
I don't know how to swim
And you became the ocean I drowned in
You were restless
Waves crashing every minute
My lungs collapsing
My vision blurred
My heart fluttering saying it's last words
I shut my eyes to give myself some peace
I don't know how to swim
And now you've sunken me.

At night you weep
Thoughts creeping in your head as you try to sleep
Oh why would you do this to me?
You question God as you lay alone like every other night
You get lost in the word love
Hypnotized by everyone's relationship goals
You are malnourished, craving the love you're missing
You look everywhere, but in yourself
Deep down that hurts you, that you can't accept yourself
You'll never love someone without loving yourself first
Trouble is your fighting yourself in a war you always lose
The only person damaged is you
You writhe in pain
This isn't something you can drink away
Self-destructing day by day
As the tears roll down your cheek
I hope one day you love yourself
The way you forced your love on everyone else.