Sarah Rees Brennan's Blog

A TALE FOR EVERYONE WHO’S EVER FALLEN FOR THE VILLAIN…

When her whole life collapsed, Rae still had books. Dying, she seizes a second chance at living: a magical bargain that lets her enter the world of her favourite fantasy series.She wakes in a castle on the edge of a hellish chasm, in a kingdom on the brink of war. Home to dangerous monsters, scheming courtiers and her favourite fictional character: the Once and Forever Emperor. He’s impossibly alluring, as only fiction can be. And in this fantasy world, she discovers she's not the heroine, but the villainess in the Emperor's tale.So be it. The wicked are better dressed, with better one-liners, even if they're doomed to bad ends. She assembles the wildly disparate villains of the story under her evil leadership, plotting to change their fate. But as the body count rises and the Emperor's fury increases, it seems Rae and her allies may not survive to see the final page.

This adult epic fantasy debut from Sarah Rees Brennan puts the reader in the villain's shoes, for an adventure that is both 'brilliant' (Holly Black) and 'supremely satisfying' (Leigh Bardugo). Expect a rogue's gallery of villains including an axe wielding maid, a shining knight with dark moods, a homicidal bodyguard, and a playboy spymaster with a golden heart and a filthy reputation.

It wouldn't feel right not to have The Book here, back where it all began. This is a love letter to escaping pain through art, and having fun along your way, no matter how wicked.

Pre-Order Your Villains Here!

Hi my flowers! How are we all doing in this our time of Corona? I hope as well as you can be. I am glad you enjoyed the first Comfort Book Club parody! And now after giving my selection much thought, I have made you another parody for a book I find charming and cheering and touching in all ways. And I shall be giving away three copies of the book! Just link the parody to be put in the draw.

Now the parody is spoilerriffic, so I also endorse you guys linking but not reading the parody. I guarantee, the book is amazing. (As is everything by Naomi Novik: I’m currently reading an advance copy of A Deadly Education, and I say that simply to brag!) Parodies make jokes, but I never joke unless I love.

These are the weirdest times! I live alone right in a house with roses round the back, I still can’t really believe I had a Sabrina book just come out, and I recently socially distance danced with a friend through a window. I know these times are muchly weird for all, and super tough for many. So. I hope this parody and this book cheers you, dear reader.



Spinning Silver by Naomi Novik



MIRYEM: Has it ever occurred to anyone that Rumpelstiltskin is a veiled allegory for antisemitism?

MIRYEM: And it ain’t all that veiled.

MIRYEM: Anyway, I have my own problems. My father is the worst moneylender in the land, and my mother is both angelically good and frail. And since this is a story, that means Mother is narratively doomed.

MIRYEM: No dead moms in MY fairytale, thank you so very much.

MIRYEM: Also murderous ice elves prowl the forest, but I’m sure they won’t become relevant to me.



MIRYEM: I’ve decided to take over my father’s business and menace the townsfolk.

MIRYEM’S TOWN: this tiny girl! … Is actually extremely scary, and we will pay her.

MIRYEM’S SAINTLY PARENTS: my darling we fear your heart will become ice cold.

MIRYEM: No ethical consumption under feudalism, Mom and Pop.



MIRYEM: My life will be a fight against narrative inevitability.

AUDIENCE: We fear Miryem is being set up for a comeuppance, when what we want is for Miryem to get everything she wishes, and also become queen.


TOWN DRUNK: can’t pay my debts because I spent the money on drink.

MIRYEM: Send your muscular daughter to do chores at our place!

AUDIENCE: Oh no is this the moment where Miryem’s practicality becomes villainy?

WANDA THE MUSCULAR DAUGHTER: wow I am not being traded off for a pig at the marketplace so I will be forced to bear a man’s children. A big win for Wanda! My mom died in childbirth and is buried beneath this white tree.

AUDIENCE: oho?

STORY: We SAID, no ethical consumption under feudalism.



WANDA (thinking): while having your work commandeered isn’t ideal, it’s a lot better than having your body treated as chattel.

MIRYEM: u ok?

WANDA: uh-huh.

MIRYEM’S PARENTS: We are so horrified by our daughter’s practical nature that we must feed you at every possible opportunity.

WANDA: this is the happiest I have ever been.

MIRYEM’S PARENTS: are you certain you don’t feel callously taken advantage of?

WANDA: uh-huh.

MIRYEM’S PARENTS: She doesn’t talk much but she seems very nice.



WANDA’S BROTHERS: help one of us has been laid low by the fell hand of the ice elves!

WANDA: I don’t care about you because growing up in an abusive household has divided us!

WANDA: OKAY, maybe I’ll try asking the white tree where my mother lies buried for help.

WANDA’S BROTHERS: yay fairytale conventions! Boo ice elves.

WANDA’S BROTHERS: do we all love each other now?

WANDA: uh-huh.



WINTER KING OF THE ICE ELVES: Hello Miryem. Sadly, ice elves have become relevant to your plotline.

MIRYEM: Oh for… I’m the best moneylender in town. I am BOOKED AND BUSY.

WINTER KING: Heard you can turn silver into gold! Here’s some magic icy silver.

MIRYEM: Have you ever heard of a metaphor?

WINTER KING: The ice elves need no metaphors. Gold soon pls.



MIRYEM: I’ve gotta go to the big city and see my shrewd and wealthy grandpa. Hey grandpa, I rule my town with an iron fist now, please don’t judge me for my ice-cold business heart.

GRANDPA: … honestly so proud…

MIRYEM: Gotta go find a jeweller to make ice silver into fancy jewelry and sell at a profit. Are you gonna say ‘no ethical consumption under feudalism’?

GRANDPA: Get it, girl.



DUKE OF BIG CITY: It’s good to be duke. Except my first wife had some ice elf in her, so I thought my daughter might have some magic icy silver beauty. No such luck, she is objectively mousy.

IRINA, THE DUKE’S DAUGHTER: I don’t enjoy these family dinners. Not sure why.



MIRYEM: I turned a profit selling a magic silver ring and here’s the gold!

WINTER KING: Now for my next request…

MIRYEM: oh god, is it going to be like a firstborn or something–

WINTER KING: More gold.

WINTER KING: wow what would I do with your firstborn??

MIRYEM: I know. I know. I made it weird. Just take your gold and go. I’ve gotta get a magic silver necklace made now.



MIRYEM: You’ve been doing great Wanda and I’ve decided to pay you.

WANDA: Women can’t have bank accounts but they CAN bury their money at the foot of trees so their dads can’t drink it!



WINTER KING: Here’s enough magic silver to make a CROWN.

MIRYEM: I have other things going on your ice majesty, I’m starting a brisk dress and apron business. What am I getting out of this, precisely, aside from not being turned to ice?

WINTER KING: Fine! FINE. I see what you’re implying. My fair hand in marriage will be yours!

MIRYEM: Uh could I trade that in for like a fancy carriage, or…

WINTER KING: Stop being insulting you gross mortal. We’re now betrothed.

MIRYEM: Why have you done this!

WINTER KING: I’m helpless in the face of fairytale conventions.

MIRYEM: Well, you should see a specialist about that.



DUKE: Daughter here is some magic silver ice jewelry. Put it on and let’s ice dazzle the Tsar of this land.

IRINA: oh no…

DUKE: What, you want to die an old maid up in your cold rooms with your old nursey?

IRINA: I love my old nursey! Nursey! Dad’s making me marry the tsar.

OLD NURSEY: You’ll be Irina the Tsarina?

IRINA: that is the least of my problems. Remember how the tsar is as evil as he is beautiful?

OLD NURSEY: Also the son of a sorceress.

IRINA: Marriage under the patriarchy is always a gamble, but this is ridic.



TSAR: Hey girl.

IRINA: Hey. Tortured any squirrels lately?

TSAR: Haha, ah childhood memories.

DUKE: My liege, feast your eyes upon Irina’s magic jewelry and become slowly fasci-

TSAR: LET’S GET MARRIED.

DUKE: Cool? I mean, cool, cool, cool, but did you maybe want to hang around and fall gradually into the web of–

TSAR: It’s a beautiful night, looking for something demonic to do, hey baby, I think I wanna marry you.

DUKE: Can I just put the crown on her real quick—

TSAR: Enough fuss! Time to put a ring on it!



IRINA: I’m not sure Old Nursey prepared me adequately for my wedding night. She mentioned being apprehensive, and bracing yourself…

TSAR: Did she mention the bit where I’m possessed by a fire demon who wishes to devour you?

IRINA: I can’t stress this strongly enough: NO.

IRINA: Were you ready for the bit where I used my magic ice jewelry to escape through a mirror to a land of eternal winter, where I hid out for a bit so you couldn’t eat me?

TSAR: The bridal mirror escapes weren’t covered in my educationally sexy palace etchings.

TSAR AND IRINA: Marriage is a wild ride already.



IRINA: Hey sexy.

TSAR: Where did you go last night!!!!

SERVITORS: what did he say about last night???

IRINA: Hey hot stuff, and I mean that entirely literally, the servitors are listening.

TSAR: I BADLY WANT TO BE IN PRIVATE WITH YOU.

SERVITORS: ohohoho heir to the kingdom, incoming!

IRINA: Oh babe I would love to surrender to the fires of your passione, but I have to go to church and pray for fertility. If you know what I mean.

TSAR: Oh, I will get you.

IRINA: Not if I get you first. Later, lover!



MEANWHILE, IN A DIFFERENT ARRANGED MARRIAGE

MIRYEM: Wanda, the king of the ice elves is forcing me into wedlock.

WANDA: Say what now?

MIRYEM: Please take care of my parents, I’m telling them I’m off to a visit to the big city. Ice elf amnesia will do the rest.

WANDA: Girl, first piles of spellbooks, now an ice king—

MIRYEM: Those are account books Wanda. And you’re keeping them now.



ICE KING: Look upon my ice kingdom, where it is always winter and never Christmas.

MIRYEM: I’m Jewish.

ICE KING: ok. Here’s an enormous silver crown.

MIRYEM: Haha, bet you think I can literally turn it to gold, well, joke’s on you, because…

MIRYEM: Oh, the crown literally turned to gold. Huh.

ICE KING: I told you, the ice elves use no metaphors!

ICE SERVITORS: We ain’t sayin’ our king’s a gold digger. BUT…



WANDA: Money in the Bank of Tree Root, learning writing and sums, Miryem’s indulgent parents fuss over me every day, everything’s coming up Wand—

WANDA’S DRUNK DAD: I’m selling you in marriage for drinkies.

WANDA: Yeah, that tracks. I’m gonna pass.

WANDA’S DAD: How dare you, what do you think you are, an autonomous human being? I’m going to—

WANDA’S BROTHER: Oh, you thought.

WANDA’S BABY BROTHER: I’m only seven, but have you considered that we might reclaim our own souls from this abusive household through the power of kinship and community and respect for our sister’s wishes?

WANDA’S BROTHER: Give me that poker of the patriarchy.

WANDA’S BABY BROTHER: WOMEN ARE NOT THINGS!

WANDA: ok great points everyone, but we’ve literally murdered our father and we gotta go on the run from the law now.



TSAR: I heard you love your Old Nursey. Sure would be a shame if I summoned her to the palace, and something fire demonesque happened to her.

OLD NURSEY: I am here Irina! Are you okay? I’ve heard marriage changes men—

IRINA: INTO FIRE DEMONS?

OLD NURSEY: Ah, fiddlesticks.



MIRYEM: Wow, here I am, queen of an ice kingdom. What to do?

ICE KING: Oh I see how it is.

MIRYEM: Huh?

ICE KING: Be assured, my lady, I’m picking up what you are laying down!

MIRYEM: What are you talking about, my guy?

ICE KING: Fine, fine, I’ll allow you to despoil my nubile ice form! Turn on Ice, Ice Baby! I’m taking off my kingly raiment! But I do so with extreme bitterness!

AUDIENCE: Oho are we going ARRANGED MARRIAGE ENEMIES TO LOVERS?! Yes Your Majesty! We WILL turn on Ice, Ice Baby!

MIRYEM: Turn that off.



MIRYEM: Uhhhh what if I waive my rights to your nubile form in exchange for honest answers to questions?

ICE KING: ok

MIRYEM: Am I a virtual prisoner here, wearing a crown as I make gold for you all day? And will my gold empower you to create eternal winter in my own land?

ICE KING: yes. 🙂

MIRYEM: …

ICE KING: hehe this is a good game.



OLD NURSEY: I have always wondered if Irina, who is somewhat withdrawn, loved me at all. So in a way I am happy to be menaced by a fire demon in the shape of a tsar.

AUDIENCE: I would, personally, die on a battlefield for Old Nursey.

IRINA: Come on old nursey, we gotta escape through the mirror into an ice land.



MIRYEM: Oh hi, I’m the queen of this winter wilderness?

IRINA: Weird, I am also a queen. Haha, so I have this husband problem.

MIRYEM: Girl, we have a lot in common.

IRINA: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

MIRYEM: What if my ice king were to accidentally run into your fire demon?

IRINA: He ran into my knife. He ran into my knife eight times.

MIRYEM: The ice kings and fire demons only have themselves to blame.



IRINA: Hey look, a convenient witchy cottage in the woods to hide Old Nursey in!

WANDA, IN ANOTHER WORLD: Hey look, a convenient witchy cottage in the woods to hide our outlaw selves in!



MIRYEM’S SAINTLY PARENTS: It’s nice that Wanda’s youngest brother has come to live with us after the patricide, but we do miss… hmmm… it’s on the tip of our frostbitten tongues.

MIRYEM’S MOTHER, SAVED FROM FAIRYTALE DEATH BY HER DAUGHTER: Miryem! We have to go to the big city to get Miryem!

WANDA’S BABY BROTHER: We can stop in the witchy cottage along the way.



MIRYEM: I’m plotting to murder the ice king, so I’m not getting attached to my ice subjects.

(two days later)

MIRYEM: I have acquired an ice goddaughter. DAMMIT. Oh well, hold your head up high, walk, and think murder, Miryem!



TSAR: At last, there you are! I’m going to—

IRINA: Talk to the hand. And let me talk to the fire demon. Fire demon, are you interested in eating the king of winter?

FIRE DEMON: I scream for ice-cream!



TSAR: Court, meet Irina. Irina, meet my court. ok everyone, I know I made a foolish marriage, but it definitely wasn’t that my fire demon made me do it.

PALACE COURTIERS: omg the tsarina is beautiful. Clearly a love match. So sparkly.

TSAR: My wife is objectively mousy. Why does everyone think she’s an ice cold fox?

IRINA: Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s elven jewelry.

TSAR: What was that?

IRINA: Nothing, my lil demon pumpkin pie.



TSAR: Look, I’ve drawn one thousand pictures of my mousy wife.

TSAR: Look, I’m showing the pictures to everyone!

TSAR: MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.

SUBJECTS: All RIGHT sire, you LOVE her, she’s the most beautiful woman in the WORLD, we GET it.

TSAR: fzzzzzzzllllttt!

FIRE DEMON: ur being mega weird. Everyone thinks so.

AUDIENCE: oho, oho, are we going TWO arranged marriage enemies to lovers WITH FIRE AND ICE THEMES? Dear god, for what Naomi Novik has delivered us, may the lord make us truly thankful…

AUDIENCE: but we’re also in for the lady murder revenge plot.



IRINA: Let’s get our court in order.

TSAR: Why?

IRINA: Absolutely not because I’m plotting to kill you! Can we arrange marry off your cousin?

TSAR: DEFINITELY arrange marry off my cousin! Wow I hate him! Busy hands…

IRINA: Is he meddling with the maidservants?

TSAR: I WISH he was meddling with the maidservants! Quit undressing me with your eyes, sir. This always happens. I am not a piece of meat!

IRINA: ohhhhh. OK.

TSAR: There’s more to me than being beautiful?

IRINA: yes you’re also possessed by a fire demon.

TSAR: AND I’m a VERY snappy dresser.



MIRYEM: I have made several halls full of gold so let’s attend my cousin’s wedding in the big city. Because I love revels. Revels. Definitely not murder.

ICE KING: You have such spirit.

ICE KING: Maybe… after the revel… we don’t ask questions?

ICE KING: Maybe… I get my violinists to play a romantical rendition of Ice, Ice Baby?

MIRYEM: Can’t talk now, time for revels. I’m murder on the dance floor.



FIRE DEMON: omg can’t believe tonight I feast on winter king. Let me reward you!

IRINA: Just leave me and mine alone forever kthnx bye. What kind of idiot makes bargains with demons?

IRINA: I’m lookin at you, my lil possessed muffin. Wow, getting a demon to kill your own brother, just for a throne!

TSAR: Wow none of this was my idea! My mom traded me to this demon! And yes I have trust issues, since you ask!

IRINA: I didn’t ask…

TSAR: And since we’re talking, my mom’s bargain for a crown and matchless beauty is just kind of embarrassing! I don’t understand taxes! I never have a bad hair day!

TSAR: FYI I loved my brother!

IRINA: Kinda feel bad about plotting your death but still going to arrange it while setting up all the courtiers for my power play.

DUKE: My little baby, off to destroy people… never been so proud of Daddy’s girl.



REVELS: Fire Demon Vs Ice King cage match!

WANDA’S BABY BROTHER: Typically, are most parties like this?



ICE KING: I am led off in chains, to be slowly consumed by a fire demon, as my winter kingdom melts away without me. My lady, let me just say…

MIRYEM: *braces self*

ICE KING: Well played, and you are totally cute.



MIRYEM: Did I make a bad bargain, after all?

MIRYEM: Extremely concerned about my ice goddaughter.

MIRYEM: ok listen up in the dungeon! Trade: my freedom for yours, also the safety of my country.

ICE KING: Deal!



IRINA: Everyone now worships us as heroes for laying low the ice king. I have richly rewarded Wanda for her courage in battle. Next step… eliminate fire demon.

FIRE DEMON: Someone let the ice king go and I am HANGRY!

IRINA: Oh hey, come through this mirror with me, eat some ice people!

IRINA: Sorry 2 the ice people but I am not the queen of them.



MIRYEM: … Oh no, I AM the queen of them.

MIRYEM: Time to battle the fire demon.

MIRYEM: ok fire demon, I guess you don’t know ’bout me, but I have a heart of ice and nothing stops me.

ICE KING: My lady is not lying.

FIRE DEMON: I did not think this through.



FIRE DEMON: Oh well, at least I left an Irina snack in the fridge at home.

IRINA: Please examine the fine print on our demonic contract stating you leave me and mine alone. I thought it through carefully. There is no snack. Or fridge. Or country. It’s all mine. Have I mentioned what else is mine?

FIRE DEMON: I do NOT like where this is going.

IRINA: Evil Calcifer, please exit my husband stage left.

TSAR: Now I look at you in this light, you were an ice cold fox this entire time.

OLD NURSEY: I say that’s my baby, defeating fire demons and conquering hotties plus whole countries, and I’m really proud.



MIRYEM: Life at the witch cottage with Mom, Pops, Wanda and fam is great, but…

ICE KING: Hi. I was just wondering if you were free Friday?

MIRYEM: What would you want to do on our date?

ICE KING: Get married!

MIRYEM: Like, I doubt you’d agree to raise the half-ice kids Jewish, so…

ICE KING: Done! Never was a fairer bargain made.

MIRYEM: oh?

ICE KING: The elves are merciless but religiously accepting.

MIRYEM: Mr Ice King… that’s hot.

 

This is just a brief update to say that my third Chilling Adventures of Sabrina book, Path of Night, is out now! It’s my third trilogy, which feels a bit special. I started my career with the Demon’s Lexicon trilogy, and then there was the Lynburn Legacy trilogy. There have been cowritten projects (an honor, many talented ladies) and standalones (what’s up, Tell the Wind and Fire, In Other Lands!) but I do love how a series gives one room to luxuriate in the feelings.

 

There was a discussion by Charlie Jane Anders about tie-in novels on twitter the other day and it got me thinking about them—what I grew to love about them, what they are. I was prejudiced about them from a young age because I read a tie-in to a property I really liked, and I was like ‘This is garbanzja.’

 

As many of you know, I was sick for a bit and my ability to write fell off a cliff. I was feeling pretty lost when I was offered the opportunity to write the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina books. I’d never written a tie-in book, and like I said, prejudiced! But I loved the gothic soap mood of Riverdale, and I loved the old Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and I was really excited about the project. So I said yes I wanted to, and that I’d try. And I came to really adore the story of an untraditional magical family against the background of a weird, wild world.

 

Writing tie-in books has been super educational! You have to write them fast—because TV shows or movies or graphic novels come out when they come out–and they have to be snappy because they fit in with fast-moving visual media. (Fast is fine. Snappy… I’m shocking at. I cut twenty thousand words from the third Sabrina book. I’m a menace.) You come to an audience already invested, but they also have different ships, and different thoughts about characters, and it was really interesting for me to try and absorb the many great thoughts but also hew true to the story being told.

 

Fanfiction can break from a story (which is awesome). Tie-ins stay with a story, and illuminate the spaces in it: what a character is thinking and feeling, a deeper dive on people’s backstories that elucidate why they behave the way they do, hinting at what’s to come. Which also seems awesome to me.

 

Not sure if there will be more Sabrina books (though I love the world and the characters, so very open!). Thus I wanted to take this time to say I’m really grateful to Sabrina. And to my fabulous editor at Scholastic for approaching me, and the whole team at Netflix for being so cool. And to those of you who came on the witchy journey with me, I’m really grateful to you too! And I’m excited for upcoming journeys… like the FENCE novel (a tie-in with C.S. Pacat’s awesome FENCE graphic novels) out this autumn. And of course I’m excited for… journeys where I and others can say, safely ‘go outside’ and ‘visit a friend’s home…’

 

I know a lot of people are feeling pretty lost right now, and I keep thinking about what to do about it. (Other than stay indoors, wear my bee-patterned face mask (I LOVE BEES OK), donate where I can, support essential workers, and try to make beautiful things in a world that still needs beautiful things.)

 

Soon to come: I have a second Comfort Book Club pick upcoming, where I parody and give away one of my favourite books which I think will be comforting for readers during lockdown.

 

I was also thinking about writing, as I know many people are cooped up at home and some are working on creative projects, so I thought I’d do up a post on what writing tie-in books taught me about structure. Since it might be helpful for the writers out there.

 

Everyone’s saying: stay safe, be well, which is lovely. A lady on the street said to me: star of the sea, save you. Which I liked a lot, so I’ve been saying it a lot. Star of the Sea, save you.

Wow everybody, is this not a strange fix that we are all in. Early last month I came back from holidays, found out the island I was on had a Coronavirus case, self-quarantined, didn’t want to worry anyone, and thought I would emerge and say ‘hey, wasn’t that odd, all blown over now.’ A cancelled St Patrick’s Day and many quarantined lands including mine own later…

 

I was lucky and just managed to move into my new house, the first house I’ve ever had, though there are still walls unpainted. My greatest tragedy right now, other than worry about the world in general and people (those feeding, healing and helping all those indoors, my heroic doctor sister-in-law!) in specific, is not having a TV. I know others are having a terrible time of it. I worry there’s not much I can do besides donating (www.feedtheheroes.com!) but I would love to do something to brighten someone’s quarantined day, whether that is by sharing novels in progress, writing a little something for someone, sharing thoughts about home décor, sharing writing/publishing advice or process, livetweeting more Chilling Adventures of Sabrina or a kdrama… I am open to all things. If you (yes you!) can think of something you would like me to do… Leave me a comment here, ask me a Tumblr question, email me. I am here! I am not leaving my home because that is forbidden now!

 

For a start I keep seeing people saying that they would like to consume Feel Good media (also thousands are watching Contagion a ton and I just re-read Stephen King’s The Stand, we are all different weirdo snowflakes). So I thought it might be fun to do an All-Comfort No-Hurt Book Club. In which I describe in detail the plots of books I highly recommend and which I think might charm and beguile the weary quarantine hours.

 

I shall give away (in ebook or physical form as the winner prefers) three copies of said comfort read to people who tweet or otherwise link to this post! If a physical copy is wanted I shall do my best to find a nearby-to-winner indie bookshop still delivering. This will be worldwide because hey, global problems need global comfort.

 

Without further ado. For my first entry in the All-Comfort Club, let me present a parody and giveaway of THINK OF ENGLAND, a historical and romantical mystery by K.J. Charles! It is a parody so affectionate fun is poked but make no mistake, I loved this book. Also warning: simply masses of spoilers.

 

CURTIS: I, Archie Curtis, formerly of His Majesty’s armed forces, have received a mysterious warning about treason and must now investigate at a remote country manor!

CURTIS: Treason is absolutely not cricket.

CURTIS: It’s like the anti-cricket.

 

CURTIS: So good of you to have me in your ultra-luxurious home, Lady Armstrong.

LADY ARMSTRONG: A pleasure.

CURTIS (aside): One does not like to SNEAK ABOUT but also one’s life is empty, due to the treasonous sabotage of my weaponry, killing many of my men including my second-in-command, and leaving me missing fingers and with a psychosomatic limp.

LADY ARMSTRONG: A what.

CURTIS: In my left knee, don’t you know!

 

CURTIS: My god this remote country manor has the electricity and flushing toilets

CURTIS: In 1904!!! These people must be billionaires.

 

CURTIS: I’m making a list of suspects I’ve sneakily titled ‘My List of People I Totally Don’t Suspect.’

CURTIS: So I’ve got ‘Rich Older Head of House, plus Lady Armstrong The Much Younger Wife.’

CURTIS: I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold-digger. Because I am a gentleman.

CURTIS: Also on the list, ‘Feckless Heir to the House and his Cool Sporting Friend,’ ‘Ostentatiously Unhappy Married Couple’, ‘2 ladies known as Frivolous Fenella and Eminently Sensible Pat…’

CURTIS: golly this is quite like one of those jolly detective novels

CURTIS: Except there is no super sexy femme fatale slinking about, a shame I suppose.

CURTIS: though I’ve never been much in the petticoat line. Married to my work I guess. In the army. My work.

CURTIS: And in college I was very focused on boxing.

 

LADY ARMSTRONG: Let me introduce Mr da Silva.

COOL SPORTING GENTLEMAN: koff koff he’s foreign.

CURTIS: oh my god! This dude is wearing a green flower in his buttonhole! Like Oscar Wilde’s set! You know! This could get…

CURTIS: *swallows in total dread*

CURTIS: Literary?

DA SILVA: How clever of you to guess, handsome soldier boy, I am a slave to my poetical muse.

CURTIS: This is the worst house party of all time. Of all time!

CURTIS: Also I can’t help but notice his trousers are unnecessarily tight?

CURTIS: IS HE SLINKING!

 

DA SILVA: *gets snarky in the drawing room*

CURTIS: oh Christ, spare me. Witticisms. We are BRITISH.

COOL SPORTING GENTLEMAN: Agreed. Also I hate the Portuguese.

CURTIS: Wow no. Let’s not stereotype a whole nation. I’m sure many of the Portuguese wear quite loose fitting trousers.

COOL SPORTING GENTLEMAN: Well I happen to think stereotyping whole nations is what being British is all about! But I’m glad we both hate da Silva.

CURTIS: And his trousers.

COOL SPORTING GENTLEMAN: Hadn’t noticed them.

CURTIS: How could you not!

 

CURTIS: I must stay inside this country manor when the rest of the group go exploring, definitely due to my heroic war wounds and not for sneaky reasons.

DA SILVA: I must also stay indoors because I’m allergic to the outdoors.

CURTIS: sneak sneak sneak—

DA SILVA: Hello what are you doing, you are making so much noise.

CURTIS: Jesus Christ!

DA SILVA: Jesus and I ARE both Jewish.

CURTIS: You’re what!

DA SILVA: I’m not very observant.

DA SILVA: Actually I am very observant, just not in religious matters.

CURTIS: hahah I hate him.

SARAH: hahaha I love him.

 

DA SILVA: So I see you suspect treasonous goings on in this house.

CURTIS: Wow… no… what makes you think that?

DA SILVA: I’ve just caught you sneaking about in the dead of night with a dark lantern and a skeleton key.

CURTIS: I wanted a glass of water.

DA SILVA: …?

CURTIS: They might lock the water up here! You don’t know!

 

COOL GENT BRO: hahaha it’s funny Sensible Pat can shoot things.

CURTIS: Why is being an excellent marksman amusing?

SENSIBLE PAT: u can stay.

SENSIBLE PAT: he can choke

CURTIS: Sensible Pat is the kind of woman I should marry except I feel mysteriously disinclined to do that.

SENSIBLE PAT: do u know, I think that’s sensible.

 

DA SILVA: Listen I think they are doing treason here and also setting up people to blackmail them.

CURTIS: Oh my god so many kinds of not cricket!

CURTIS: I’m starting to think these people don’t know what cricket IS.

DA SILVA: And the waitstaff are constantly trying to seduce us!

CURTIS: Pretty sure that’s just your filthy imagination. All the maidservants do with me is drop stuff a lot and then have to bend and pick it up frequently?

CURTIS: Plus there’s the valet who keeps fluttering his eyelashes and asking if I need any help at all.

CURTIS: Basically the staff are very polite but possibly clumsy and get things in their eyes a lot.

DA SILVA: … I just don’t know if you’re the ideal person to unravel a mystery?

CURTIS: Why would you say that?

 

GANG OF SUSPICIOUS SERVITORS: Ho ho what’s this, are you two fellows sneaking?

CURTIS: Er… no.

DA SILVA: Yes totally.

DA SILVA: For reasons.

DA SILVA: I must now execute a slick professional spy move known as the Fake-Out Make-Out.

CURTIS: mmmmfffffmmmm!

 

DA SILVA: As you can see, henchmen, I mean, servitors, nothing to see here.

DA SILVA: I mean, plenty to see here, including my nipple ring.

CURTIS: !!!!

 

DA SILVA: And that my milkshake brings all the boys to the (court or stable) yard.

DA SILVA: Anyway please go away, there’s good chaps. Because I could teach you. But I’d have to charge. And I don’t think people on henchman salary can afford me.

CURTIS: !!!!

 

CURTIS: Whoa. Whoa. So that just happened.

DA SILVA: Yes, OK, look, don’t hit me, or if you must not the face—

CURTIS: That was certainly the first time I have been kissed in the face by a dude.

DA SILVA: It was an emergen–

CURTIS: That was jolly good thinking.

CURTIS: Way to have a cool head in a crisis, my guy!

DA SILVA: Huh.

 

CURTIS: Wow you are amazing at sneaking.

DA SILVA: Not because I’m an unflusterable, imperturbable and irresistibly sexy spy for His Majesty’s Secret Service, that’s for sure.

CURTIS: Right. Jolly good.

DA SILVA: No, listen, I am actually an unflusterable, imperturbable secret agent.

CURTIS: Oooh, that was very sneaky of you just now.

 

DA SILVA: I have a phobia of enclosed, particularly subterranean spaces, which I’m sure won’t be narratively inconvenient.

LADY ARMSTRONG: How jolly, we have some caves nearby called the Caves of Inevitable Narrative Doom? I’m not sure why they’re called that.

COOL SPORTING BROS: haha da Silva is a coward.

CURTIS: Wow that is no way to talk about someone who is nobly sneaking and kissing dudes in the face for his COUNTRY!

CURTIS: You know, I’m starting to think many members of the British aristocracy are unpleasantly prejudiced!

DA SILVA, SENSIBLE PAT & FRIVOLOUS FENELLA: this is brand new information.

 

CURTIS: So, uh, about the scandalous encounters–

DA SILVA: Sigh, is this about you feeling unmanly?

CURTIS: well of course I do!

DA SILVA: Right, I was afraid of–

CURTIS: —due to my war wounds.

CURTIS: Not sure why you’d bring them up.

CURTIS: Pretty hurtful if u ask me.

 

DA SILVA: Listen we should talk about getting hold of the blackmail materials.

CURTIS: Hey, I’ve been reading your poetry and I have insightful thoughts about it.

DA SILVA: Aloof, unavailable ice spy… aloof, unavailable ice spy…

 

FRIVOLOUS FENELLA: I think Mr da Silva is hilarious and also cute.

CURTIS: I guess da Silva is OK if one likes the ravishingly handsome type.

FRIVOLOUS FENELLA: oh I see.

 

CURTIS: Wait, does His Majesty force you to–!!

DA SILVA: Oh gosh no, I’m very into dudes.

CURTIS: –write poetry!

DA SILVA: No I do that voluntarily.

CURTIS: Amazing.

 

CURTIS: So wow, these, um, necessary for sneaking purposes manly encounters keep happening and I’m starting to feel weird about that…

DA SILVA: Come now I’m sure you played the fool at Eton

CURTIS: Oh well, doesn’t every chap. Yes, great point.

DA SILVA: Yes yes. There there. Very usual. No need to grab the smelling salts.

CURTIS: And then of course there were the dozens of chaps at university!

DA SILVA: Perfectly–hang on just a…

CURTIS: Come to think of it, my second-in-command was my CWB

DA SILVA: your. Your what now…

CURTIS: Comrade With Benefits?

DA SILVA: this would be the chap you’re hellbent on revenge for?

CURTIS: Wow I can’t believe my second-in-command was my BOYFRIEND?

DA SILVA: My head is spinning a little, maybe from the whiplash…

CURTIS: And I can’t believe you and I are now IN LOVE!

DA SILVA: OK this is an emergency, where are those smelling salts!

 

DA SILVA: *gets snarky in the drawing room*

CURTIS: LOL, my boyfriend is hilarious.

 

CURTIS: I don’t mean to offend or presume but could we possibly progress to more intimacy?

DA SILVA: I would be delighted.

CURTIS: Huzzah, so I may call you by your Christian name.

DA SILVA: Um. WHAT.

CURTIS: Awfully sorry, didn’t mean to disrespect your identity (shyly) Daniel.

DA SILVA: No, but… but wait…

 

CAVES: in here you can hear the echo of narrative inevitability.

SPORTING GENTLEMAN: Would you rather DA SILVA was here exploring the caves with you? I’m making an insinuation here!

CURTIS: What do you mean?

CURTIS: Obviously I would rather da Silva was here because then we’d be on a super romantic cave date?

SPORTING GENTLEMAN: uh

CURTIS: Please keep up.

 

EVILDOERS: are revealed but I am not some sort of varlet who would actually spoil the mystery, you have to read to find out the identity of the evildoers, their evildoing has many layers!

EVILDOERS: Among our recent evil deeds was tying up a da Silva in distress and leave him on the traintracks!

EVILDOERS: correction. In the caves. Daniel in the lion’s den.

EVILDOERS: clarification. There are no lions in the caves.

 

DA SILVA: I am feeling perturbed.

CURTIS: I have come to your rescue my cherished Daniel!

EVILDOER: mwhahaha, you THOUGHT.

EVILDOER: mwhahaha, your good hand is maimed and you cannot put up a fight!

CURTIS: As a gentleman I hate to admit this, but… I am left-handed?

CURTIS: and, this is very embarrassing but, I have these berserker killing rages…?

CURTIS: oops

DA SILVA: omfg

CURTIS: I am so sorry that frightful bounder interrupted our special moment.

CURTIS: Well, I have snapped his neck like a twig and thrown him into a bottomless abyss, which I fancy shall be a lesson to him!

 

CURTIS: If only I could reach my uncle Maurice, who is a master spymaster, via the telephone without being found out… if only I knew a skilled operator.

FRIVOLOUS FENELLA: hey remember how we were talking about how stereotypes are dumb earlier?

CURTIS: Yes ma’am?

CURTIS: oh I see.

 

CURTIS: Help is on the way!

DA SILVA: I’m stunned to report… you’re my hero?

CURTIS: would it be awfully forward—would you think it frightful cheek–

DA SILVA: oh PLEASE go on…

CURTIS: Could I tenderly touch your face, and call upon you for tea in the city?

DA SILVA: I seriously can’t deal with this.

 

EVILDOERS: are unmasked but have our heroes cornered!

DA SILVA: I shall now, as a pacifist who is smarter than everybody, kill several people via a battle of wits.

SENSIBLE PAT AND FRIVOLOUS FENELLA: We are helping!

CURTIS: You are also engaging in a battle of wits?

SENSIBLE PAT AND FRIVOLOUS FENELLA: oh lord no, we brought guns.

 

SPYMASTER UNCLE MAURICE: Well done Curtis.

CURTIS: For killing a bunch of people?

SPYMASTER UNCLE MAURICE: And putting up with da Silva for like three days, wow, it’s more than most of his partners manage.

CURTIS: Are they intimidated by his cleverness and great beauty?

SPYMASTER UNCLE MAURICE: No they find him absolutely overwhelmingly annoyi—hmmm.

SPYMASTER UNCLE MAURICE: Curtis, my boy, have I got a job for you!

 

DA SILVA: Curtis why are you here at my garret in bohemian London, surely by now you have thought better of your folly and discarded me like a soiled glove–

CURTIS: Hello my darling! What are your thoughts on office romance!!!

DA SILVA: I must confess myself slightly flustered.

 

I selected this as an almost guaranteed feel-good read, and I hope you guys enjoyed the summary and will enjoy the book. Let me know if you would like to win it! Proper English, the prequel starring Sensible Pat and Frivolous Fenella, is also highly recommended.

 

Until next time, my doves.

Let me present some Star Wars, a last parody from a galaxy far away! As in this movie there seemed confusion whether Kylo Ren was shortened to Kylo or Ren, I’m going to split the difference and refer to Han Solo and Princess Leia’s evil son by Ben, his Past and Future name, throughout. Let it be known I have no personal strong pairings aside from John Boyega/Screentime, but nor do I dislike any ships!

STAR WARS: 2 dudes in a dark and stormy wood… and both of them were evil…

PALPATINE: muahaha evil has rendered me all powerful.

BEN: yikes, my guy, your face is all rotting, also your fingers have rotted clean off. Not to zombie shame, but ew.

PALPATINE: I have transcended death and have a vast evil army!

BEN: but like… at what cost?

PALPATINE: I died before…

BEN: do you wanna clarify that?

PALPATINE: the dark side does not clarify

PALPATINE: I grew your old alien master Snoke in a vat…

BEN: why did you make spares. Is this an evil overlord pyramid scheme

BEN: so in the force I was catfished by not one but two elderly predators?

BEN: not to criticize Princess Leia, but I feel my force time should have been better monitored as a child.

PALPATINE: none know I survived to this day!

PALPATINE: except I just told them all in a space blog post that went viral.

PALPATINE: Anyway I want you to kill Rey and be emperor of the universe.

BEN: thanks but Rey and I are in a pretty serious and committed relationship? As soon as she un-Force-blocks me, the wedding is back ON.

FINN & POE: pew pew pew

POE: lemme enact a daring move that may be fatal

FINN: doubtful! it’s the start of the movie

REY: be with me…

REY: just looking for a connection to be honest

REY: to be even more honest, tho he did not give good proposal and did give far too good mass murder, kind of missing bae.

REY: He was very committed to being with me. Remorseless stalking through several darkened woods occurred.

LEIA: be patient

LEIA: with the force. And my son. And my cgi presence causing awkward scenes

REY: I’ll try.

POE & REY: fight

AUDIENCE: are they in love…?

FINN: no Poe is just bad tempered

FINN: I mean never with me! Because I’m too lovely and handsome.

EVERYONE: how did Palpatine return?

DUDE FROM LORD OF THE RINGS: dark science

DUDE FROM LORD OF THE RINGS: like regular science… but DARK.

REY: I gotta go on a quest for an evil Mcguffin to get to planet evil to defeat Palpatine. I can elaborate.

EVERYONE: please don’t.

BEN: does my butt look big in this mask

EVIL COUNCIL: no supreme leader

EVIL COUNCIL: svelte and willowy as ever, o supreme leader.

FINN: come be on our quest Rose, good friend and recent make-out partner.

ROSE: can’t, it’s in the script.

FINN: what’s in the script

ROSE: not me, that’s for sure.

BEN: I will become emperor but first things first…

EVIL COUNCIL: o god don’t say it

BEN: my girlfriend!

BEN: also there’s a spy

EVIL COUNCIL: we must find them!

BEN: but first things first—-

EVIL COUNCIL: why are you like this

BEN: MY GIRLFRIEND!

RANDO ALIEN: what’s your surname

REY: I don’t have one!!!

FINN: I don’t have one either, but nobody ever asks.

BEN: just a quick force call to ask why do u leave my force messages on read?

REY: Palpatine wants you to kill me.

BEN: alternate plan! Let’s get married!

BEN: you wanted to take my hand so you must want to be dark empress of the galaxy, remember?

REY: read at 4:15 am

LANDO: I’m here on Mcguffin desert island for one reason…

REY: to help us on our quest

LANDO: nostalgia.

REY: as we were sinking into space quicksand you said you’d never told me…

FINN: I don’t wanna say it in front of Poe

REY: that must mean it was romantic as why would you hesitate to say you were Force sensitive in front of Poe, your bff and Leia’s no 1 fan?

FINN: that‘s a valid question. Let’s never really address my dying proclamation again.

REY: lemme Force heal this serpent real quick

SERPENT: now I will follow u and be loyal to u like the lion who had a thorn taken from its paw

REY: u can’t, we’re going to space to give a robot amnesia so he can translate the instruction manual to our evil mcguffin

SERPENT: uh… good luck with that.

FINN: Rey, evildoers have kidnapped Chewbacca!

REY: evildoers have also shown up in front of me wearing three piece black evil suits in the desert

REY: why are you like this?

BEN: many wonder.

REY: I must Force control that ship with Chewbacca on it

BEN: no I must! Chewbacca is my last father figure, I must kill the whole set.

REY: I destroyed the ship with lightning! Weird and tragic

EVIL COUNCIL : oh no, that was randomly a totally different ship lol!

EVIL COUNCIL: we’re not about destroying beloved icons of the original trilogy! Chewbacca is our bread and butter. Put him safely in the brig!

POE: I have a backstory about being a smuggler just like Han Solo!

AUDIENCE: really? Our Latino lead?

POE: JUST like Han Solo

SOME LADY: I’m your old flame, Heterosexual Bliss.

POE: my criminal past was so sexy!

REY: I have visions of a dark throne. I’m on it. Kylo Ren is on it.

FINN: how big is this throne

FINN: is this a sitting in laps situation

C3PO: oh no amnesia

NEW TINY ROBOT: I love boundaries! PS buy me.

HETEROSEXUAL BLISS: I have a plot coupon for safe passage through space

POE: we’re main characters we need plot coupons

HETEROSEXUAL BLISS: why would I give it to you?

POE: I have great hair.

POE: anyway I have this plot coupon to rescue Chewbacca with!

REY: now we’re on this evil spaceship we must split up

REY: just have this strong feeling I should go to the supreme leaders quarters

REY: must be Force intuition

FINN: is that what they’re calling it these days?

POE: no doubt we won’t need your superpowers of hypnosis

POE & FINN: are instantly captured

BEN: there’s a girl in my quarters! DON’T LET HER GET AWAY!

STORMTROOPERS: why is he like this.

BEN: I never lied to you, your parents did trade you for drink money!

BEN: selling kids into desert slavery is a good way to protect them.

REY: … they must have been VERY drunk.

BEN: you see Palpatine is your evil grandpa!

BEN: evil grandpas. We have so much in common, babe!

BEN: totally a force soulmates situation if you ask me.

BEN: raising children in cupboards is another very good and ethical way to protect a protagonist child, while giving them a tragic backstory. It is known.

BEN: now pls stay in my quarters so we can talk in person… in my quarters… very important…

REY: is the Force telling you this

BEN: um. totally.

HUX: let me help you escape, I’m the spy, nobody hates the boss like middle management.

SARAH: I predicted Hux emailing the Resistance .5 seconds after Ben became leader!!!

REY: daring escape

BEN: don’t go bae!

FINN: ???

REY: he said my name, just Rey, that’s my name

FINN: I guess that makes sense.

A LADY ON MCGUFFIN ISLAND: I’d like to be the lady assigned to Finn

AUDIENCE: who wouldn’t???

FINN: why couldn’t it be Rose?

LADY: I’m a former stormtrooper like you!

FINN: omg are we getting a plotline about me inspiring stormtrooper rebellion?

LADY: I deserted because I had a feeling killing people was wrong. It must be our conscience!

FINN: It must be the Force!

LADY: do you need the Force to know killing people is wrong?

LADY (whose name is Janna): also I thought Kylo Ren had the Force…?

JANNA: the Force sure did not give him that memo.

POE: let’s just let Rey go get the Mcguffin on her own she’s always running off on her own for some tall dark reason…

FINN: Poe be sympathetic! Imagine you were having Force visions of yourself in Kylo Ren’s lap!

POE: I would strongly prefer not to.

REY: I just got finished fighting a dark vision of myself!

BEN: you couldn’t… like do it again? So I could watch?

REY: no!

BEN: then I’m destroying this evil Mcguffin

REY: don’t do it!

BEN: I just don’t like them as plot devices! I just don’t!

FINN: REY!

BEN: that handsome rebel keeps yelling your name

REY: that’s kind of his whole thing.

LEIA: I must use up my own life Force to distract my son during his duel with Rey

REY: stabs him

BEN: thanks mom, very supportive.

BEN: my space soccer matches all over again.

REY: stabs Ben

REY: heals Ben

REY: this relationship is a whirlwind

BEN: I don’t get it, if you don’t wanna be dark empress why did you want to take my hand? I can’t think of a single reason…

REY: I’m interested in you romantically!

BEN: wow that never even occurred to…

BEN: and you have seen Finn, yes?

BEN: I mean you’re making a terrible mistake, but thank you so much.

POE: now Leia has passed and I am general, do me the honor of accepting my hand in co-generalship!

FINN: general

POE: general

AUDIENCE: general desire for their embrace

BEN: wow hallucination of my dad, I’ve made so many mistakes… like killing so many people. Like SO many, including you. But I love you! And I’m sorry. But… so many people died.

HAN SOLO: Believe me. I KNOW.

BEN: I must fight evil!

SHADE OF HAN SOLO: yay great decision I love you

BEN: in preparation for a fight, let me throw away my lightsaber! And take off my armor!

SHADE OF HAN SOLO: son, you are tall but not smart.

PALPATINE: just hanging around doing evil stuff. Creating ships that destroy planets.

AUDIENCE: does evil never have any other plan

PALPATINE: nothing beats the classics.

REY: I’m going to destroy my spaceship! And my lightsaber! And everything useful I own!

AUDIENCE: Wow. Rey and Ben ARE soulmates.

GHOST OF LUKE SKYWALKER: there’s no need to live in an isolated hermitage here…

GHOST OF LUKE SKYWALKER: do as I say not what I do! That’s the essence of teaching.

GHOST OF LUKE SKYWALKER: here’s Leia’s saber. She gave it up because she feared it would end in her sons death, but she hoped someday someone would finish her journey…

REY: to her son’s death…?

LUKE: back in the day when Ben had colic, we were all sleep deprived and cranky.

FINN & POE: lets follow Rey and attack planet evil! This time people will come help us!

TEAM GOOD: why this time

FINN & POE: because this is the last movie!

PALPATINE: so my plan wasn’t really to have Kylo Ren kill you…

REY: what if he had?

BEN: Palpatine had faith in my incompetence and my huge crush I guess.

REY: that’s fair

PALPATINE: so my plan wasn’t really for you to kill me and become dark empress…

REY: what if I had tho

PALPATINE: I dunno. My plans tend to work out. My REAL plan is for us to become one…

REY: Genuinely feels like you’re just winging it at this point, Grandpa.

PALPATINE: Think of it like brainstorming with lightning.

WAR: pew pew pew

FINN: I will do a risky thing! Trust me I have the Force… and charisma.

BEN: you’re descended from heroes Rey

REY: my parents who were actually good?

BEN: and whatever lady got down with Palpatine.

BEN: such bravery

BEN: a true legend

BEN: I’m just going to kill my own guard to get to my lady!

KNIGHTS OF REN: We know we are evil minions but you have consistently been the WORST boss of all time.

BEN: and why spoil a perfect record!

REY: let’s defeat evil together Ben!

PALPATINE: actually Imma use your force soulmate bond to grow back my fingers and rule!

REY: is that your FINAL plan

PALPATINE: who knows. They just come to me.

POE: perhaps all is lost

EVIL COUNCIL: oh nope civilians are coming in spaceships like the civilians who rescued soldiers on D Day in that inspiring historical legend…

EVIL COUNCIL: but even cooler, because in space.

PALPATINE: I am invincible! Gonna grow back my fingers and throw Ben into a pit! Your move!

REY: I’m going to defeat you via not hating you.

PALPATINE: So you’re going to try and love your grandpa?

REY: Ew, no. I’m gonna kill you but in like, a pure way.

JEDI GHOSTS: woo Rey! Rise Rey!

BEN, IN A PIT: lil help with that rising thing

JEDI GHOSTS: new phone who dis?

BEN: … never mind I’ll do it myself.

BEN: Oops it appears my lady has killed herself and Palpatine with the Force.

BEN: Cute how she thinks death will get her out of this relationship.

BEN: resurrects Rey with the Force

REY: I love the new you!

BEN: literally anything would’ve been an improvement on the old me.

REY: I’m gonna make out with your face.

BEN: first base was 100% worth dying for.

REY: what do you…? Oh I see.

BEN: fading away

REY: if you hadn’t used the Force on your hair so much… maybe there would be enough Force for us to both live.

BEN: no Rey.

BEN: the hair was worth it.

BEN: disappears

REY: he had many personal failings, but the hair was great.

AUDIENCE: Seriously cannot believe we were deprived of the absolute comedy gold of Poe and Finn’s faces when Rey came home on her evil boyfriend’s arm.

REY: Guys, great defeating–and definitely not smooching–evil! Group hug!

POE & REY: we love our friends so much…

POE & REY: Especially Finn.

RANDOM LADY: what’s your surname?

REY: Rey Skywalker, as if Luke and Leia were my parents!

AUDIENCE: Seems like Rey might not know an important Star Wars fact… Luke and Leia being brother and sister came as a surprise to us all once…

FINN, YELLING FROM ANOTHER PLANET: Seriously, why do space randos never demand my surname? Why is it always Rey?

If you liked this parody, I am very happy! I don’t have a tip jar, but I do have a new Chilling Adventures of Sabrina book out, in which demon princes are fought and satanic hotties are taught about mortal dating customs.

To celebrate the release of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Book 2, Daughter of Chaos, I’m doing an instagram takeover at 12 EST/5 pm my time and will be talking about writing books 2 and 3, the upcoming Parts 3 and 4, and more! See you in two hours, witches!

COME SEE ME AT SABRINASPELLMAN ON INSTAGRAM

Since my Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Book 2 is coming out, and in the spirit of Christmas, I have written you guys a parody present! Unfortunately it got a little long… so unlike me…

Here is the Part I of my parody of the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, Part 2. This is a parody, so there are many jokes told at the expense of characters I love! (I have by now completed three books about them, so I love them all. Not recommended: saying ‘I love Nicholas Scratch’ while carol singing at church. Learn from my mistakes.)

Previously on Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, our half-witch half-mortal heroine Sabrina had to choose between the witch and mortal world and chose both! Then with the help of the Mother of Demons disguised as her kindly teacher, Sabrina used necromancy to resurrect her boyfriend’s dead brother (with poor results) and after diverse incidents felt forced to signed away her soul to Satan. Her cousin Ambrose got a boyfriend and got mixed up with Warlock Rights Activists. Her Aunt Zelda got HELLA mixed up with Father Blackwood, the head of the Warlock Rights Activists. Her Aunt Hilda got to know a mortal man with a cape and a secret. Her frenemy Prudence, head of the Weird Sisters/cheerleaders for Satan at Witch School, was revealed to be Father Blackwood’s secret daughter. Her new friend at Witch School, Nick Scratch (that is his actual name, actually) got a huge crush on her and tried to express it in traditional witch ways such as inviting her to orgies and offering to be her second boyfriend. Her boyfriend (now ex) Harvey was traumatized forever by having to shoot his undead brother and meeting Nick Scratch. Lilith, Mother of Demons, realized Satan wanted to offer Sabrina a job opportunity (Queen of Hell, comes with benefits) and was vexed. Sabrina’s mortal friends had problems such as Blindness Connected to Powers of Prophecy and gender identity issues…

In summary it was all very chill. Previous parody here. Now Sabrina has to decide what to do after committing herself to darkness…

SABRINA: After selling my soul, and getting fashion advice from my familiar, I’ve decided I need more monochrome in my wardrobe.

SALEM: I don’t talk but I do like to strut my funky stuff on the catwalk.

 

FATHER BLACKWOOD: My plan to subjugate Sabrina with the help of my prize pupil Nick Scratch has 0 flaws!

SABRINA: After 5 mins of witch life I’ve decided to be the top of the whole school.

NICK SCRATCH (dreamy sigh): Wish I was the whole school.

BLACKWOOD: …my plan has 1 flaw.

 

LILITH, MOTHER OF DEMONS: After murdering the former principal I am now principal of this mortal school. I think I have a pretty good grasp of mortal bureaucracy. I also got voted Best Hair in the yearbook.

SABRINA: I’ll be indefinitely playing hooky from mortal school, Ms Wardwell.

LILITH: Cast off your mortal bonds! Mwhahahaha!

SABRINA: Ms Wardwell just be like that sometimes.

 

ZELDA: Speaking of subjugation, Father Blackwood, if you like it you better put a ring on it, and thus grant it power within our evil patriarchal witch society!

FATHER BLACKWOOD: How to balance these two facts… I’m horribly evil, and she’s awfully sexy…

 

MEANWHILE AT MORTAL SCHOOL

THEO PUTNAM: So you previously thought I was a girl, but I’m a guy called Theo.

ROZ & HARVEY: We love you, Theo.

BILLY THE TRANSPHOBE: Putnam shouldn’t be on the boys’ basketball team. HARVEY: HOW ABOUT I KNOCK YOU ON YOUR ASS?!

AUDIENCE: Harvey yes!

ROZ: Harvey no!

THEO: Let’s not be hasty. I’m willing to hear Harvey out.

 

AMBROSE: I don’t know that you’re qualified to be top of the whole school…

SABRINA: Can’t believe my cousin loves the patriarchy more than me! AMBROSE’S BOYFRIEND LUKE: What have you done for him lately? The patriarchy gave him magic powers.

AMBROSE: Actually I love Sabrina more than the patriarchy. The patriarchy has no cute hairbands.

SABRINA:

HAPPY HALLOWEEN my black rose petals! Time for a TRICK OR TREAT!

(*blows some dust off blog*)

Would you like to win a signed advance copy of Sabrina #2, DAUGHTER OF CHAOS, or a signed copy of Sabrina #1, SEASON OF THE WITCH? This photograph was taken in the darkness of a drive-in viewing of #HOCUSPOCUS, one of the greatest Halloween movies of all times. I took SABRINA book 1 to the movies with me because one good witch deserves another. And now I present to you a witch celebration challenge! To win 1 of 5 advance signed copies of #DaughterofChaos and 5 signed of #SeasonoftheWitch copies… Drop in the comments, or email me (sarahreesbrennan @ gmail . com, no spaces) a link to a review on a witch book/movie/TV show! You get put in twice for the draw if it is a #chillingadventuresofsabrina book/movie/TV show. (The reviews do not have to be flattering, all are welcome! We love truth tellers and soothsayers.)

This contest will run until NOVEMBER 14 so there is time to review witches if you haven’t! I await your witchy thoughts.

I made you a gift, my lovelies! As you may be aware, I’m writing tie-in novels in the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina TV universe, and I love a parody, and so I thought this might be fun for both those wondering ‘OK so what’s this Sabrina all about, prep me’ and those going ‘please sir, may I have some more Chilling Adventures.’ All done in a spirit of love and fun, praise Zelda.

LOVE IN THE TIME OF SATANISM

SABRINA: I am a perky blonde teen girl with magical powers, who lives with my aunts in a Gothical house!

AUDIENCE: Ah yes, a tale as old as time.

SABRINA: Our powers come from Satan.

AUDIENCE: … come again?

SABRINA: We live in a funeral home and only the Dark Lord KNOWS what we are doing with the corpses!

AUDIENCE: Go big or go funeral home!

SABRINA: As the time when I must commit my soul to Satan grows nigh, I’m having doubts.

AUNT HILDA: All I ever want for you is happiness.

AUNT ZELDA: All I ever want for you is to worship the Dark Lord adopt a suitable goblin companion as a familiar, and take me as your style icon and dress like an evil secretary pin-up.

SABRINA: Well, I’ll take these wise words under advisement.

AMBROSE: Dear Sabrina, as your immortally hot cousin who is under permanent house arrest for magic crimes, yes selling your soul to Satan is a big commitment, but have you considered… immortal hotness with magic powers, and being surrounded by other immortal hotties with magic powers.

AMBROSE: Just saying. Might be fun.

SABRINA: And do you think you make all good life choices?

AMBROSE: I plead the Devil’s Fifth: I refuse to answer on the grounds I’m already incriminated.

SABRINA: My mother was mortal so my aunties sent me to mortal school and at my mortal school I acquired my favorite teacher Ms Wardwell…

MS WARDWELL: Don’t get too fond of me.

SABRINA: Ominous. And my best friend Roz…

ROZ: I’m the preacher’s daughter.

SABRINA: So that’s awkward. And Susie…

SUSIE: Am I a tomboy or do I have gender identity issues?

SABRINA: We’ll be exploring that. And of course… my boyfriend, Harvey.

HARVEY (shyly): I love you Sabrina.

SABRINA: omg. Do you? I love you also!

HARVEY (quietly): yay

SABRINA: Time to have a magic dance party of being IN LOVE! Surely nothing nightmarish will shortly occur.

MS WARDWELL: instantly slain and body hijacked by a villainous demon lady, acquires fantastic blow-out.

AUDIENCE: Look I don’t want to have a demon kill me and steal my face but if she gave me a really bomb makeover that would win her back some points.

MS WARDWELL: From now on I am but a face for Lilith, the Mother of Demons.

LILITH: And what a face! Let me just accentuate these cheekbones with evil mood lighting.

GOBLIN SHADOW IN SABRINA’S ROOM: I watched you in the shadowy woods and am now lurking in a corner of your bedroom.

SABRINA: This seems pretty alarming!

GOBLIN SHADOW: *turns into a cat*

SABRINA: … I meant to say pretty adorable!

AUDIENCE WHO WATCHED THE SHOW ‘SABRINA THE TEENAGE WITCH’: Salem! Salem! SALEM! Hail Salem! Salem our lord and savior! Salem king!

AUDIENCE WHO DIDN’T: Aw, eldritch kitty.

WEIRD SISTERS: We are Prudence, Agatha and Dorcas, not biologically related, but orphaned witch girls with an eerie bond.

WEIRD SISTERS: We will be the mean girls of this enterprise.

WEIRD SISTERS: But we will not be cheerleaders.

WEIRD SISTERS: Though we are spiritually cheerleaders for Satan.

WEIRD SISTERS: Our style aesthetic is ‘if the Puritans went Goth and invented the miniskirt.’

SABRINA: We’re frenemies, I guess you’d say!

PRUDENCE: I think I’d use a shorter word. Think you’ll enjoy attending the Academy of Unseen Arts with us?

SABRINA: … maybe not.

SABRINA: So I’m a witch and I might have to leave you and attend witch school—

HARVEY: I’m deeply insecure and I just heard the words ‘leave you’ attached to a very far-fetched story and I’m freaking out–

SABRINA: Is now the time to calmly explain further?

SABRINA: NO! For I am also insecure about our relationship! I mean, I make all good decisions. Now is the time to wash these memories from your brain with a chant and a make-out.

HARVEY: Kissing is magic?

SABRINA: That’s how memory charms work. I don’t make the rules.

SABRINA: … But I think I should.

SABRINA: This is really a very difficult decision.

SABRINA: Personal autonomy…

SABRINA: True love…

SABRINA: High school party vs dark ritual in woods…

AMBROSE: IMMORTAL HOTTIES!

HARVEY, A Sweet Boyfriend: oh hi Sabrina’s wicked cousin, wanna come to a high school party?

AMBROSE, Too Cool for High School Parties & Under Occult House Arrest: I’d be banished to the nether realms.

HARVEY: Um…is that, like, a sex thing?

SABRINA: I ran from my high school party to my satanic ritual! Time management is key.

COVEN: Please sign your soul away in an orderly fashion.

SABRINA: My name is Sabrina Spellman and I WILL NOT SIGN IT AWAY!

SABRINA: Sorry aunties, I just came to the dark ritual to make a dramatic statement.

HILDA: …

ZELDA: !!!

SABRINA: Running for the hills and personal autonomy! Running fast!

ENTIRE COVEN: in pursuit

SABRINA: … running faster…

SABRINA: Run like the devil is after you, Sabrina Spellman, because he is. And he brought friends.

AMBROSE: Thou shalt not pass, coven!

AMBROSE: Look I think you should go the immortal hotties, route, Sabrina, but I would lay down my life to defend you.

AUDIENCE: D’awwww, wicked cousin Ambrose.

ZELDA: I’ve brought the leader of our coven to talk sense into you, Sabrina.

FATHER BLACKWOOD: Satanism is cool, kids.

AUDIENCE: I get a weird vibe from this priest of Satan with the fancy cloak and matching eyeliner. Dunno what it is but not sure if I fully trust him? Maybe it’s the fangs.

MORTAL SCHOOL: Whoa check out Ms Wardwell’s makeover! Maybe she’s born with it…

LILITH: Maybe it’s Satan.

ROZ: Can you believe that this book has been banned from our school library? Censorship is the worst and also, unrelated but it’s the principle of the thing, I’m going blind!

HARVEY: I’m outraged, this book is a timeless classic!

SUSIE: Let’s use the power of our newly established four-person feminist organization to protest this!

SABRINA: When that fails, I’m going to use the power of witchcraft to fill the principal’s house with spiders!

ROZ, HARVEY AND SUSIE: … That was weird the way that happened.

LILITH: What if I sent an animated scarecrow after Sabrina?

SALEM: What if I tore it apart?

AUDIENCE: Salem! Salem king! Speak to us Salem!

HARVEY: Oh Sabrina u got a new kitty. Hi kitty.

SALEM: meow

AUDIENCE: I know Salem is sassing him. I FEEL it.

MORTAL BOYS: bother Susie

SUSIE: I will FITE them!

SABRINA: … with dark enchantments!

AUDIENCE: We feel it is established Sabrina really wishes to be helpful and that is an admirable personality trait which may soon decimate lives!

SABRINA: Pls aid me in my quest for vengeance against mortal men.

WEIRD SISTERS: We know what the boys like… high lace collars, lipstick dark as our souls, and blackmail.

BOYS: We don’t, in fact, like that last one.

WEIRD SISTERS: Huh. Don’t care.

SABRINA: I feel I have learned a valuable lesson. Magic can solve all my problems!

BOYS: We also feel we have learned a valuable lesson. Don’t follow people down mine shafts, no matter how sexy those people might be.

AMBROSE: A dead warlock has arrived at the funeral home and I have adopted his lizard. Diagnosis, maybe killed by witch-hunters?

AMBROSE: Witch-hunters are a real and pressing concern.

AMBROSE: But will that soon be plot-relevant? Who knows! Off to pet new lizard friend.

HARVEY: I would like to get a job in a bookshop!

HIS FATHER, MR ‘THE LIVING WORST’ KINKLE: Quick question, why are you garbage?

HARVEY (quietly): don’t know

MR KINKLE: No son of MINE will be working in a store peddling the devil’s written word! Sons of MINE will put the mine in ‘MINE.’

HARVEY: That’s literally the same word.

MR KINKLE: Less backchat, more being tough strong gruff and hard-drinking!

MR KINKLE: No sensitive artist types in this home.

MR KINKLE: I’m just going to keep roughing you up and moulding you into a different shape until your heart dies, k?

HARVEY:

Mirrored from Sarah Rees Brennan.

Friends, soon I will be in San Jose, where In Other Lands is nominated for the new YA award. I am stunned and thrillighted by this honour, and of course given the shiny calibre of my fellow contestants I do not at all expect to win, but if I do, naturally I will write you guys a Luke/Elliot present.

If any of you fine people are attending Worldcon and wish to see me, here is where you will find me!

Celebrating the YA Award Category

Format: Panel

19 Aug 2018, Sunday 13:00 – 14:00, 212C (San Jose Convention Center)

Creating a new award can sometimes be a lengthy process, beginning with defining a need, generating parameters, and finally to the logistics of presenting the award. All those years of work culminate this year with the inauguration of a new YA Award category at WorldCon. Join our authors for a conversation about their novels, why they write YA and what it means to them to be the first finalists in this exciting new category.

Liza Trombi (M), Sam J. Miller, Sarah Rees Brennan, Ursula Vernon

YA vs Adult Fiction: Defining Boundaries

Format: Panel

19 Aug 2018, Sunday 14:00 – 15:00, 210A (San Jose Convention Center)

YA Fiction is a crucial part of the SFF world. What defines YA as separate from Adult Fiction? How do writers approach each of these categories differently in terms of voice, structure, themes, and market positioning? Attend this panel to learn more.

Fonda Lee (M), Miriam Weinberg, Fred Wiehe, Guadalupe Garcia McCall, Katrina Archer, Sarah Rees Brennan

The Future of Urban Fantasy

Format: Panel

19 Aug 2018, Sunday 16:00 – 17:00, 210DH (San Jose Convention Center)

Urban Fantasy has already changed the landscape of speculative fiction, and continues to rapidly evolve in the worlds of both traditional and independent publishing. In this panel, experts on Urban Fantasy explore the current state of the genre, as well as Urban Fantasy’s potential to shape the industry in the future.

Richard Kadrey, Alyc Helms (M), Sarah Kuhn, Sarah Rees Brennan, Sharon Shinn

Or if you look about, you may FIND me! I am tall.