Fraz's Blog

A crisp autumn night
A flickering ethereal light
A light breeze whistles past

A bountiful sky of stars
A country road without bars
A lone firefly does travel

A galore of eves
A cradle of leaves
A meadow shall snow cover

A fireplace smolders
A table of folders
A cup of coffee runs cold

A plaque of ovation
A bold inscription
A life to be recalled kindly

A child asleep
A little too deep
A kiss, a tear, a smile

Dedicated to one being that shall remain hidden in plain sight…

A cough here, a sneeze there

Sound the bell; the reaper nears

Concrete cracks, fading tracks

The scythe of time openly shears

Tick tock, Clung clang

The clock tower shifts gears

Gray skies, barren fields

And a bunch of silent piers

Hark now, else thy fate is sealed

Death and rot have no peers

Morrow is history; Not indiscernible mystery

Let not ignorance bare jeers

A needle here, a pill there

Quenched are immediate fears

Barely a fix to nature’s tricks

Until an uglier head it rears

Tick tock, Clung clang

The clock tower shifts gears

Gray skies, barren fields

And a bunch of silent piers

Mend thy paths; hark thy asks

Death and rot have no peers

Morrow is history; Not indiscernible mystery

Let not greed bare tears

A seed here, a tree there

Flocks of birds, herds of deers

Borders dissolved; resources shared

Acceptance; even for queers

Tick tock, Clung clang

The clock tower shifts gears

Blue skies, golden fields

And a bunch of bustling piers

Hark now; growth is nigh

Joy and laughter thy hears

Morrow is history; Not indiscernible mystery

When towards love mankind steers

As the guards dragged me into the dungeon, I could feel the stone floor moving beneath my legs. The back of my head stung from where one of the guards had hit me making me lose consciousness. I tried moving my hands but the ropes held them tight behind my back.

I opened my eyes slowly and as the lights flooded in, I could see the metal door of the prison cell in front of me. One of the guards opened it and the other pushed me in. With my hands and feet tied, I didn’t have much choice but to land on my face.

The door closed behind me as I lay there on the ground which somehow had a sweet scent to it. I rolled onto my back inspecting the small cell as far as my limited eyesight would allow. With only a window through which light came in, half of the cell was in utter darkness.

In the corner of the room, hidden in the darkness, I could almost see a figure moving ever so slightly. I could see from the corner of my eye now that whoever it was, he or she was trying hard to remain unnoticed. Too bad it wasn’t possible in a cell this size.

“Greetings. My name is Aevus Imperium. Am I to have the honour of knowing yours?” I said as I got up and moved to a nearby wall, sitting upright using the wall as a support.

I could see the figure move. As it came closer and into the light, I saw her face. With shoulder length raven hair, silver eyes with a tint of blue in them, and a skin as fair as the elves, I couldn’t help but stare.

“M-My name is Emmalyn. Emmalyn Elementa,” she said looking away for a brief moment.

Her hesitation could only add to her beauty. As her eyes came back to meet mine I couldn’t help feel my heart skip a beat. She stayed silent after that. I glanced at the ropes tying my legs and moments later she was untying them with her soft hands. Once she had finished, she looked up at me again. Her eyes saying the words her lips didn’t.

“Thank you for your generosity. However, I was capable of freeing myself My Lady.” I said with a smile as I brought forth my hands from behind my back.

She did not respond with words but instead, gave me a nod of acknowledgement. She then got up and brought me the bowl of drinking water the prisoners were provided. I looked into the clear liquid and took a sip. Closing my eyes I contemplated my chances of getting out of the cell.

“Emmalyn, why are you here?” I asked with my eyes still shut in order to force her to respond verbally.

“I-I-I used elemental magic,” she said looking down on the ground.

The queen of the kingdom had prohibited the use of magic. Her eldest son was struck down in war and the court mage trying to cure him only worsened his condition quickening his death. Enraged, the queen ordered the mage to be beheaded and decreed magic to be evil and its use punishable by death.

I opened my eyes and looked straight into hers for a minute. I knew that she had used her magic to save a child who fell into the well. The story was big news in the streets. The tyrant queen punishes a child’s saviour.

“Do you want to escape?” I asked her.

She nodded before speaking.

“But how? This metal door is too strong. I tried using the wind to blow it away but to no avail. I just do not possess enough power.”

I got up and put the bowl of water in front of her.

“Maybe it isn’t about power, but finding a weakness.” I said as I felt the door to find its deadbolt.

Once I found it and I gave Emmalyn precise instructions.

“First you need to make the wind blow into the water while passing lightning through it. Can you do that?” I asked to which she smiled.

I could see that it was a bit hard for her but she kept heart. I watched closely as the water started to move ever so slowly. From her hands, she managed to infuse the water with tiny bits of lightning. Once she finished I took the bowl from her. I tore a piece of my ragged prison clothes and wrapped it around the pin I had kept in hidden in my hair.

“I learned of this from a friend of mine. He does crazy experiments all the time,” I explained while I dipped the rag into the bowl and spread the liquid onto the deadbolt.

It started to rust as I applied layer after layer, scraping off the rust as I went. By nightfall I could see the bolt was weak and a well-placed kick was all it took to swing the door wide open.

“After you My Lady,” I said with a smile.

A few hours later, after a change of clothes and sneaking out of the castle, we were on our way to the kingdom of Illuminati when she finally asked me who I was and why I was caught. I didn’t respond but continued on our way as we passed through the gates to the kingdom of Illuminati. I could not help but smiled as my friend and advisor came running to my side.

“Prince Aevus, it was unwise for the future king of Illuminati to dress as a commoner and venture into enemy lands without protection.”

I looked at Emmalyn and could see her confusion. Sapias looked at the Emmalyn before he whispered in my ear.

“Of course. The future king needs his future queen.”

He smiled. It was evident that Emmalyn had forgotten of the little encounter that I had had with her when she was out in the wild looking for flowers and she was very much unaware of the fact that I had fallen in love with her at first sight.

After I changed into my royal attire in the castle, I walked over to her chambers. The door was open so I walked in to find her standing in the balcony.

“Emmalyn…” I started.

In the royal white gown she looked like an angel and as she turned around to look at me I froze.

“I remember…” she said with trembling lips and eyes that shimmered like stars in the night.

Walking up to her I kneeled in front of her as I spoke.

“Emmalyn Elementa… Will you marry me?”

There on the balcony, as I looked into her eyes from where I knelt, I felt the warmth of her hand as she held mine. With tears of joy in her eyes, under the moonlit night sky, once again she was silent but I could see the yes in her eyes.

It was another late night at the office, not quite unusual since I did work in a leading IT firm. It’s a fast paced life for sure, and that’s one fact I just have to live with.

“Here in IT, if you don’t work your ass off like it’s on fire, the very next second you’d be finding yourself replaced by the guy who was once getting you coffee. Oh and don’t be too disheartened if that guy ends up barking orders at you to do the same. Consider it, the circle of life!”

I can never really forget the pep-talk I got from one of my bosses. He had majestically put up his hands in the air on the last part as if to emphasis further. Ironically, he now works for me. Yes, I worked my ass off to get to where I was, and people definitely hated me for it. But as my ex-boss put it so elegantly, it’s just the circle of life. Jealousy and hatred are but by-products of success.

“If you aren’t hated, you aren’t successful enough,” I recall Jim telling me one day by the coffee machine.

“What about you? Do you hate me?” I had asked.

“I absolutely loathe you! You’re a disgrace! I’m disgusted all the way to my core when I look at your unholy sight,” he responded sporting a huge maniacal grin.

I like Jim. With another promotion coming my way, he’d probably be the only guy who doesn’t hate my guts in the workplace. I rechecked the codes once again. I’d put them in while debugging the new program and it was the moment of truth. As I gave the command to execute it, I kept my eyes fixed on the screen to look for any errors that might pop up. Everything seemed to be working perfectly. Now, I’d only have to send it across to the debugging department in the morning so that they can do the final autopsy. Once they approve, the program will be packed and shipped out to the client. I felt good. Once the whole thing is dealt with, I’d have enough money on me to buy my own car. I still remember the argument Jim and I had when we’d gone out for drinks the last time.

“You know, you could always apply for a loan, right? You don’t really have to buy the damn thing straight up!”

“I know but I don’t want to end up paying a ton of extra cash to cover the interest.”

“Bullshit! As if you have money problems…” he said before signalling the waitress for a refill on his beer.

“It’s not about the money. It’s more about ideals. I just don’t want to pay more for something that is already over-priced due to the greed of mankind.”

“Sugar coat it whichever way you want, you’re just a Scrooge!”

“Oh yeah? Then let’s have you pick up your own tab tonight!” I said with a smirk.

“That was a cheap shot man!”

“Game, set, and match bitch!”

“Yeah… Real mature bro!”

I switched off the desktop and looked around the dark office. Everyone had already left, even Jim. He’d usually stay back and give me a ride but his wife was in labor, and so he had to leave early. I tried to get him on the phone but he didn’t pick up so I left him a voice mail asking him to call me back with details of the delivery. Then, I locked up behind me as I left. As I walked out of the building, I met Larry who was on the night watch. He was probably the most senior person in the office. The infamous theory they have about IT firms not employing people for long was very much true. There’s a new language coming out every day, and if one isn’t up-to-date, he or she is a liability and on the next firing list.

I bid Larry a good night and walked through the parking lot towards the bus-station. It was time for the last bus of the day so there wasn’t much of a crowd waiting for it. An old man sitting on the bench with a walking stick by his side and a clearly skimpily clad woman in her late twenties standing next to the pole supporting the canopy of the bus station. One could easily guess that she was a working woman from the clothes she wore. Jim had told me about it before.

“You know Michael, when you’re out at the bar and you don’t want to make one of the worst mistakes of your life, you need to pay attention to the clothes.”

“The clothes?” I asked with my eyebrows raised.

“Yeah man, the clothes! You can always tell apart a whore from the rest just by the footwear. They’re usually leather boots. Also, the way she dresses would be most alluring. You know, like a miniskirt, a very much revealing lace shirt covered by a leather jacket of sorts.”

“That sure makes me wonder though.”

“About what?”

“About how the hell you know so much?”

“You son-of-a-bitch! I’ve got friends you know, unlike someone I know.”

“Fair enough.”

“I’m going to kill you one of these days,” he joked raising his beer can.

“And I’ll be waiting,” I retorted raising mine to his.

She was a working woman alright. As I walked up to her at the bus station, she gazed at me and gave me the look.

One that clearly said – “Hey there! You wanna take me out tonight?”

And I, being my shy self, couldn’t even make eye contact properly thereafter. It wasn’t like I had a girlfriend, and to be honest, some female company would be appreciated. But, I was definitely not gonna be paying for it. Maybe if Jim treats me once he gets the good news, I might consider it.

The three of us waited for there in silence. The old man and I waited probably for the bus, while the woman waited for a paying client. Pretty sure she’d got the message that I wasn’t gonna help her tonight.

I looked at my watch. The bus was really late tonight. We’d already been waiting for half an hour and there was no sign of it anywhere. In the distance I saw headlights. I put my hand out, just in case it was the bus. As the lights came closer, I saw that it was a very blue Kia Rio. It was probably the cheapest hatchback in the country. Great fuel economy at a very much reasonable price, it was one of the cars I was considering of buying. At less than fourteen grand, it was the car for me.

The car slowed down and came to a halt in front of me. As the window rolled down, I saw a very young man in his early twenties behind the wheel. He had very messy hair which came down to his eyebrows and was wearing a jumper over a pair of denim jeans. The speakers played classical music which seemed to contrast the whole ambiance of the car, and the one driving of course. When I was his age, there was no way I’d even consider listening to classical music, especially not when driving alone at almost midnight.

“Where you headed?” he asked me.

“Oh, I’m just waiting for the bus. I’m sorry but I thought it was the bus coming, so I put out my hand.”

“It’s alright. But I believe you’ve already missed the last bus,” he said.

To my horror, I realized that it was a very quite plausible. The old man who was sitting peacefully at the bench had come up beside me. He bent over to talk to the young man in the car.

“Dear boy, would you be kind enough to drop me off at the next bus station? My home’s quite close from there. I’m afraid these legs don’t allow me to walk that much no more,” he amidst in an elderly chuckle.

“Sure sir, come on in,” he said opening the doors.

The old man got into the back seat and I saw the woman walk towards the car as well.

“Hello darling. Can I join you? I’m thinking of heading home tonight.”

“Sure. Where to?” he asked without hesitation.

“Just drop me off three blocks from here, alright?”

“Will do ma’am.”

I watched as the woman got in beside the old man. I believe they left the passenger seat for me. I was still just recovering from the shock of having missed my last bus to say anything. I’ve never hitch-hiked before in my life. Brought up in a very strict home, my mother had instructed me to never trust strangers. I’d lived that way all my life until today, never getting in with a stranger in his vehicle. And now, I had not much of a choice.

“Well?” he asked. “You coming?”

“Y-Yes please. I’m sorry,” I said getting in. “I’m going to Delaware Street. Anywhere close by will do.”

“Delaware Street huh? I live a bit farther off so I can drop you off there precisely,” he said as he put the car into drive.

“Thank you very much. No offence, but how much will it be?” I asked.

It was another principle of mine to not owe anyone anything in life, I always cleared my debts. He just smiled and shook his head before speaking.

“Do I look like a cab driver to you? This is a free service.”

Free service? In this day and age? Not a chance! Nothing in life comes for free. I was definite that there was more to the story than just plain philanthropy. First the woman was dropped off followed by the old man. Finally, the opportunity I was waiting for.

“Tell me, what do you get out of doing this?”

“What do I get? Something priceless.”

“Priceless?” I raised my eyebrow.

My curiosity was certainly peaked. What was it that could be so priceless when he wasn’t even charging a penny? I racked my brain but couldn’t come up with anything substantial. Fortunately enough, I could tell he didn’t want me to think too hard.

“I get conversation.”

“Conversation?”

“Yes. Have you ever thought about it? In this day and age, where technology is an everyday thing, no one really bothers to have a nice little chat with the person sitting next to him or her. I see people always talking to others so far away and never acknowledging the existence of those nearby. What’s worse, most of the time, the chat isn’t even worthwhile.”

Interesting. I’d never given it much thought myself. Thinking about it back then, I realized how true it was. Even I would talk to people, who I claimed were my friends, over the phone while I was on the bus. If not, I’d just listen to music or play games. Sometimes, I even worked. Never have I tried making an effort towards hitting up a conversation with another person. That said, no one tried with me either.

“Then, why call it a ‘free ride’?”

“Didn’t it serve as an ice-breaker for you and me?”

He sure had a point.

“Touché. How old are you by the way?”

“Twenty three. I know I don’t really sound like it right now though.”

Yes, he definitely didn’t sound like it at all. His choice in music certainly helped but the words he spoke suited a wiser and more experienced person better. I began wondering what could have had happened to him.

“Trying to figure out the tragedies of my life?”

“How did you know?”

“It’s an easy guess. Smooth streams don’t cut through rocks. Raging ones however, certainly do!”

Who was this young man? My interest in him was only increasing by every passing minute.

“So tell me, what is it that you do?”

“Between you and me, I’m a writer.”

“A writer?”

“Yes, a writer. I write about the world,” he said slowly bringing the car to a halt as the traffic light turned red.

“I can’t believe I have a writer for a chauffeur.”

“Well, I guess, today is your lucky day!”

“You’re kidding right?”

“No, I’m a writer through and through, just not a famous one. But, in hindsight, I don’t really want to be very famous while I’m alive.”

“Why not?” I asked confused.

“If I get famous, I can’t offer people rides like I do.”

“Good point. By the way, I wonder if you noticed that the woman before was-”

“A prostitute?” he cut me off. “Yup, I knew.”

“No issues?”

“None at all,” he replied without hesitation. “She’s just someone trying to make a living, just like you and me.”

“You intrigue me. So you do all this, just for some conversation?”

“Just? I’ll have you know, conversation is something very special to me. It is an essential part of society and something we can never really get enough of. It is what gives our lives meaning.”

“Meaning to our lives? That’s definitely taking it a bit too far, don’t you think?” I asked looking out of the window at the closed shops by the street.

How does conversation give meaning to life? Isn’t it just another aspect of life?

“Yes, meaning,” he continued. “We are but dust, waiting to return into the void. Through conversation, we inspire and create a new chapter in the stories of our lives, and in the lives of the ones we talk to. Wouldn’t you say it’s giving meaning to life?”

I had never really thought about it. Even at the office, I was so busy with work that I seldom ever had a chat with those around me. Conversation as giving meaning to life? I don’t really understand the philosophy behind it.

“I don’t get it.” I said as I finally gave up trying make sense of it all.

“Don’t worry about it, you’re far too young to be worrying about such things.”

We both broke into a fit of laughter at his last comment. Then he continued.

“You know, soon, this world shall grow silent. The only sounds that shall be heard would be of inanimate objects following the commands of their masters. I shudder at the thought of such a world.”

“You really think that things would go ‘Terminator’ like that?”

“I sure hope not. But, I can’t really shrug off the possibility.”

“I wonder, could the future you see also have the shadows of humans killing humans in the name of petty differences?” I asked sort of getting a grip on things.

His face lit up as I asked the question.

“So you’re learning!” he exclaimed as he stopped at Delaware Street.

I was sort of happy now. I now understood what he meant by conversation being priceless. All the problems in the world existed solely because people aren’t ready to talk. Ideas, opinions, thoughts, feelings are all stagnating due to the outlets being blocked or twisted by technology and the media. And what I understood now was just one piece of the puzzle. There was far too much I was yet unaware of.

“Thanks for the ride.”

“No problem.”

“Did I manage to become a part of your story?”

“You became one the moment I asked you where you were headed,” he said smiling and then driving off.

I walked to my house at the far end. My phone rang as I did. It was Jim.

“They’re twins!” he shouted into the phone.

“Congratulations buddy. Let’s meet at the Tavern at 8 pm tomorrow and celebrate your new found bundles of joy, alright?”

“It’s a weekend tomorrow, we only have half a day of work, why make it 8 pm?”

I could almost feel the confusion in his voice. He knew me far too well and knew that I didn’t have much of a life outside of work. I smiled to myself before responding.

“Well… I have to go buy a car!”

I honestly don’t know if I should be writing anything here but there’s no other way I can express my feelings, my gratitude towards you. I’m not sure I can come into the light and just confess to the things I know. It takes a lot of courage and as you might already be aware, I’m not really all that courageous.

I can still recall all those happenings as if they happened just yesterday. It was two years back. You were 28 back then. I calculated your age using the information I gathered from your entries. I hope you don’t mind. And I was just 16. Two years back, this very day, when both our lives changed.

I was sitting on a bench looking at those tracks. It was time I ended it all. All that suffering. I thought my life was over. Pregnant at 16 with a child whose father I did not know, it was the worst embarrassment any girl could ever face. I had decided to end my life on the day I would turn 17, my birthday.

A drunken episode at the back of someone’s car at a party, and now 4 months pregnant, I didn’t think there were many options. It’s either death or a lifetime of ridicule. I remembered how I waited for the clock to hit 7:30 p.m. the exact time that I was born. It would have been pretty cool, to die the exact same time I was born.

As I got up from the bench watching the train come at full speed I was pretty certain this was the best way. Who would miss me right? A specter of insignificance. That’s when it all happened in the blink of an eye. So fast that I couldn’t even register what really happened.

As far as I can theorize, you might’ve seen me heading to the tracks. I did remember hearing a ‘Wait! It isn’t worth it!’ before I felt the drops of your blood splash onto my face. As I fell to the empty station platform, my heart was beating so fast that I thought I might just die from it exploding inside my chest.

I wish I would’ve waited even though it wouldn’t bring you back. I wish I could wait and tell the police about an unsung hero who gave his life trying to save an insignificant being. But I couldn’t. I was weak back then. So I ran.

I didn’t realize until later that I was clutching your diary in my hands. Weird that it ended up with me. But it was the ray of light in the surrounding darkness that was my life. If it weren’t for your diary, I might’ve even wasted away your sacrifice that day.

I later found out that you were on your way to a late interview. Trying to find a publisher for your diary maybe. The story sure isn’t much but to the right audience, it is a lifesaver. I know because it saved mine. A diary that changed my life forever. A diary that made me laugh and cry and relate to all the meaningless suffering in life. A diary that taught me about the rainbow after the worst of storms.

I wish I could take back all that happened. I wish I could turn back time. Maybe then you wouldn’t have to die. Maybe then, your death wouldn’t have been considered a suicide. But I’m willing to make amends. It took me a while to find Jenny your wife. Your two children are doing fine as well.

Jenny is working in a law firm as a lawyer. She’s doing pretty well herself. I can see why you called her ruthless. There’s an air of authority around her. Maybe that is also the reason why I’m choosing the cowards way and not confronting her face to face. I can’t bring myself to confess that it was because of me that her husband lost his life.

Oh, I had my baby too. It’s a boy. I named him James after you. He’s adorable and a real sweetheart. My parents were a bit angry at me but they’re fine now and support me in bringing up my child as a single mother. I’m trying my best to give him proper care that he may not end up depressed like you or me.

We’ve both made the mistakes of leading a life of solitude. A mistake that cannot be rectified now that we’ve grown accustomed to it. But I’ll be trying my best that it doesn’t rub off on him. I’ll make sure that he has a happy life ahead. A life where suicide won’t even cross his mind.

I wish I was a bit braver than this but so far, I’ve only been able to muster up the courage to do this. Maybe someday I’ll face Jenny and ask forgiveness for my grave sins. But I’m afraid that day would not be today. However, I’m going to make sure that your legacy doesn’t end in mystery.

Today, there’s a special mass for you. I requested the pastor of your parish to do so. And I also requested him that he take this diary to your lovely wife after I leave it next to your grave. It is the best I could come up with, and the only way to do it anonymously. Your family deserves to know about the hero that you are.

Maybe your story and mine aren’t very special. But what I do know is that there are many out there with similar stories to ours. And like you, I too wish that they find the right path. Therefore I leave this diary in your care next to your grave till the day it reaches out to the many out there. Till the day that they too realize that there can be a silver lining in the darkest of hours.

I’ll be heading back to my parents’ house soon. I’m a long way from home after all. My week long holiday is about to end too. I hope my words reach out to Jenny. And I hope she forgives me one day. Or if not, I’ll surrender myself to her judgment once little James is mature enough to take care of himself.

Till then I guess this is goodbye. A warm goodbye to my grey angel, the memento of whom saved my life. I wish this diary is read by many. So that they know what all goes through the minds of people like you and me. Through this lonely diary, The Diary of a Suicidal Child.

And I’m 22 right now. I’ve not really written an entry for so long. Mostly because I was so busy. With all the classes and credits I’m taking, I need to be constantly buried in my books and whatever free time I have is spent with Jenny who is now my girlfriend.

Yup, Jenny and I are going out. I laugh at myself when I think back on how I used to have a preconception of her being ruthless. The truth however is far from being anything even relatively close. She’s the most sensitive person I’ve ever seen. She’s kind of like a coconut. Hard from the outside and soft on the inside. She’d probably be mad at me if she reads this.

So I’m almost graduating and I’ve decided that I’ll be proposing to Jenny soon. I never realized proposing could be so hard. I mean, I’ve seen it being done in the movies and stuff and I know that the protagonists have a hard time but what I’m going through is ridiculous!

I haven’t planned anything Hollywood like proposing on a beach or anything. It’s just some of her favorite flowers, a ring and me kneeling in front of her, but the thing is… I still can’t find her favorite flowers! Middlemist Red, now those are some rare flowers.

From what I hear, the flower is of the rarest kind. And Jenny apparently fell in love with it after seeing it online. It was freaking annoying that I couldn’t find it anywhere. I mean, where was I supposed to get a flower like that? I heard that a few of them might be in some private lawns so I started looking around whenever I got the chance.

Who would’ve believed it, the lady at the edge of town had some growing in her garden!!! I never thought I’d be able to find them so easily. It’s all thanks to Bill who asked me if I could get him some herbal tea from the old lady that grew some leaves at home. Somehow I have a feeling that he knew about those flowers. He sure can be cool sometimes.

I’m almost all set for the big day. I’m thinking of doing it on the day we graduate. I hope everything goes fine. To be honest, I’m not sure there’s any other girl alive that I’d rather want to spend the rest of my life together. I’m so glad I met Jenny.

It’s 1 a.m. and I am going crazy! Jenny is lying right here next to me as I’m writing this entry. I’m not even sure what the hell really happened! I remember most of the part alright. I mean from the moment Bill bailed on me when Jenny arrived.

“I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone. Besides, I’ve got a date with Rhonda. You’ve got the whole place to yourself big boy. Make sure you don’t burn it down to the ground,” he said while leaving, but not before giving me a nudge and winking at me.

“What was that all about?” Jenny asked confused.

She walked in smiling. She looked cute alright. Only problem, her cuteness fades into nothing compared to her ruthlessness. Only I knew her other side. I knew because I was indirectly her friend. She is one of the most ruthless beings on the face of planet earth if you ask me.

“Hello?” she said waving her hand in front of my eyes waking me from my reverie. “We’re supposed to be studying, not staring at each other’s faces. Chop chop?”

Chop chop? Who says that these days? Granted I don’t know many so I can’t be too sure.

“Y-yeah… Sure… Umm…. Well… Make yourself at home and we can start. Umm… we should start with mathematics maybe?”

“Sounds good to me.”

We sat down for like one hour studying intensely. Well, she did most of the studying while I was just teaching her integration and differentiation of the second order. As soon as she successfully completed her last question of the exercise I was making her do, she turned to me.

“Say, aren’t you the same James Mathew from Rickards?”

Rickards was my school where Jenny and I were studying together.

“Umm… yeah,” I said.

No real point denying the facts.

“And you had that awesome cousin that dropped in at school. Jamie was it? We kind of hung out when she was in town you know,” she said eyeing me closely.

“I wouldn’t know. She didn’t really tell me anything about it.”

“You sure? Because you were the main topic of our discussion.”

“Can we get back to studying please?” I said looking away at the clock.

8 p.m. Not cool!

‘I need to wrap this up quick so that I can get on with writing my entry,’ I thought.

I was so deeply engrossed in thought that I didn’t realize it until it was too late that Jenny was pushing me on my back and climbing on top of me.

“You know, you look really adorable in girl clothes.”

I could see her devilish smile bloom in full glory as the horror clearly came through onto my face.

“Y-Y-You knew?”

“Of course I knew. Your mom is good friends with my mom and they’d talked about each of your parents being single children. How it was a bother and stuff. So I knew right away that it was you under that wig,” she explained

“I-I-I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” she looked confused. “Why are you sorry? If there’s anything you need to apologize about, you need to apologize for not coming back and never talking to me again,” she said lying down on top of me.

“Umm… Jenny? What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” she said running her hand on my chest. “Making up for lost time.”

And then I felt her lips on mine.

Time sure flies. They say it does so when you’re having fun. Am I having fun? That would be such an understatement! I’m having the time of my life. Of course the constant anonymity might be bothersome to some but I guess in my case it’s a blessing in disguise. Being invisible means I can do what I want, when I want and however I want!

The professors are a pain. But then again, teachers no matter where they’re from are always a pain. Elementary, Middle school, High school or University, not much really changes. I pity them actually. They’re kind of unsuccessful souls after all. People that couldn’t be what they wanted to be so they want others to feel their misery.

So why wasn’t I writing entries? Well… I’ve been busy. I’m like buried in a ton of assignments and papers that I need to submit. It’s a living hell if you really know what I’m going through. Thank God I don’t have any friends. I can see those living with the illusion of having friends live out the misery of late submissions and regret.

One man’s misery is another’s pastime though. I’m no different really. It’s amusing to watch them go through their cycles of crying, cursing, hemming and hawing etc. They keep blaming it upon the system. I agree with them on that, yes I do. But just cribbing about it in your friend circles isn’t going to change anything now is it?

Well enough with the stupid update on stupider folk. I guess I should rather get down to business. Why I am so tensed that I’m writing an entry after all this time? Well it’s because of Jenny… Jenny who? Jenny Page. The same Jenny Page I knew from school. The one I cross dressed for. Sure was a coincidence meeting her here!

I’m not sure if she remembers me. Actually, I’m kind of hoping on it. I mean, if she really does remember me from back then, I’m worried if she might ask me about Jamie. I’d never thought I’d have to go down memory lane and relive the whole ordeal in my head. I’m in big trouble alright. What’s worse, she’s coming over tonight to study.

I’ve become quite the nerd since I got into college. I mean, I changed into this whole jock character back in high school but I’m back to being the number one nerd. And since I’m such a freaking genius, Jenny all of a sudden caught me after class and asked me if I could tutor her a bit. Of course I was going to refuse but she never gave me a chance. She just flat out invited herself over!

I must say, she was one dominating being in school but compared to the way she is now, the old Jenny looked really meek and gentle. I’m not sure how it’s going to play out today. I hope everything will turn out okay. But the one thing I hope for the most is for her to have forgotten about me completely. I mean in this whole wide world, a mere James Mathew shouldn’t matter. Right?

Today just might be that day!

When drops of the pouring rain,

Wash the stains on my soul.

On this path I walk alone,

Choosing not to look for shelter,

Closed eyes beget a lifetime suffering.

Am I wrong to detest suffering?

Deluding and dreaming of that day,

Imagining a solemn and peaceful shelter,

One that protects against acidic rain

Of empathy for a life alone,

Is it sinning against my soul?

Should I perdure, shell without soul,

Eroded by the waves of suffering;

Will I again be left alone?

Am I wrong fearing that day,

In hiding tears in the rain,

When the heart rends without shelter?

How am I to find shelter,

A shell bereft of soul?

Wash me away O great rain,

Along with my woeful eternal suffering,

For destiny proscribes me that day

And condemns me to be alone.

The memories that haunt me alone,

That in my being took shelter,

Would not cease until the day

The shell fades mimicking the soul.

Heart until then bear this suffering,

And bleed only in the rain.

Live in hope that this rain,

Will not leave you all alone,

And In your time of suffering,

Will provide your tears with shelter,

For who knows if your soul

May return before that fateful day.

Let the rain be your shelter,

Heart all alone without a soul,

Counter suffering with hope of a better day!

I still have four more years to go. To be honest, I’m a bit enjoying my life here. I mean, I can be completely myself and no one cares much. In school, there was lot of stupid peer pressure and a lot of bullies. Number of bullies seems to have reduced here. Well of course now most of the people have huge clicks which kind of protects them. Moreover, bullying kind of is a huge effort. And the crowd here would rather spend that time cuddling next to their better halves.

You know my favorite place in the whole of campus? The library. It’s quiet and peaceful. It’s like my very own serene country. I can sit here all day long and I would have too if I wasn’t required to attend classes on a regular basis. Guess it can’t be helped. Though I do disapprove of the education system, it is but required that I clear a course and get a degree in order to get a job!

So what do I do in the library? I sometimes just read and most of the times I write. Like I am writing this entry right now. I know its Sunday but it’s rather better than my dorm room where my playboy of a roommate has got his girl in. One of these days, I’m going to murder him I swear. He’s the reason I get late to class most of the times. The jackass would just switch off my alarm without my consent.

“It annoys me! I like to get my beauty sleep,” he says.

I’ve never met a more self-obsessed guy in my life!

“You know Jamie, if you don’t find yourself a girl soon, you’re going to die alone,” he announced one day.

“It’s James and not Jamie.” I said correcting him.

I don’t know why but he always calls me Jamie even though he knows it annoys the crap out of me. What’s more, he lectures me on my love life all the freaking time!

“Oh come on! Don’t sweat the little things!” he said shrugging it off.

“I’m talking about your future man!”

“I’m happy the way I am right now. What’s wrong with that?”

“Everything if you ask me!” he said pointing a finger at me.

Really, who does that these days?

“Everything?” I asked raising an eyebrow.

“Exactly bro. You’re so missing out. Those juicy lips, the little love fights, the cute good nights! I can go on all day.”

“Yeah… I know you can! You’ve got a huge list of girls to talk about after all,” I sighed.

“Of course! That’s an achievement my brother from another mother,” he said going over to the balcony. “And a father mind you,” he added winking.

Yeah right… Make a joke out of that too. So lame dude!

“You should know… One day one of those girls on your list might murder you.”

“And it will be a death that will be worth it,” he said raising his hand like a captain holding a sword. “It will be a glorious day. By the way man, have you ever had two girls fight over you?”

“Are you confusing your life with mine?”

“Yeah right… My bad. Anyway, it’s beautiful man. Cat fights are the best. The clawing, the name calling, the tearing of clothes. I would go on but I don’t want to take away your virginity!” he chuckled.

“Thank you very much!” I sigh.

Definitely the most self-obsessed annoying guy ever!