From their earliest days, people – especially girls – are socialised to be “nice and kind”. The two words arrive together, most of the time. Too often, being “nice and kind” actually translates as “do what someone else wants you to do, even at the expense of your own feelings, happiness, and mental or physical health”.

But surely being nice is the same as being kind…

Or is it?

It’s very nice to make someone’s meal every night. But is it kinder to teach your child to cook?
It’s very nice to be supportive and sympathetic. But is it kinder to suggest that washing a little more often might stop people avoiding you?

Sometimes, being nice isn’t the same as being kind. Being nice might mean that you listen to your friend who’s being bullied, over and over again. They don’t want to tell tales. They don’t want you to tell tales, either. But being kind might be going against their wishes and reporting anyway – it’s not nice, and you may lose a friend because of it, but bullying should be called out.

Being kind is harder-edged than being nice.

Being kind isn’t unequivocal support: my country (friend, child, partner) right or wrong. Being kind means being willing to do what’s right, not what’s easiest: to stand up for the correct course.

Being kind doesn’t mean being a martyr, or a doormat, or a pushover. Of course, it doesn’t mean being rude, or cruel. “You gotta be cruel to be kind,” the song said, but that’s a fallacy too. You often have to be honest to be kind. You may well have to lie to be nice.

Being nice is the mental state that says “Oh, this poor person's future will be ruined by going to jail”. But being nice is what we are told we should be. We should be nice
to the poor student who tried to assault another student – or indeed succeeded – because we’ll be ruining their future if we don’t.

No, we won’t be ruining their future. They already did that. How does it help them, or us, or society, if they get away with it? How nice is it to allow them licence – and let them assault or rape or brutalise or murder again? How nice is that to their next victim? How nice was it to the first victim to say, in effect, “You are less important than the aggressor. You have to be nice because their life and future is more important than yours.”

And yet we should be nice.

I don’t think so. I think we should be kind. Being kind says “This person has done wrong, and they must be shown that there are consequences”.

Niceness excuses. Kindness teaches.

I prefer to be kind. Do you?

Death in Focus: Passion and photography meet a multimillion dollar cover-up and murder.