The Right to Say NO
@jennybent Tweeted an article by https://thebodyisnotanapology.com, “We Belong To Ourselves”, which said a lot of things which needed saying. (Read it: it’s worth it.) But it didn’t go far enough.
Women have the right to say no to men, the article said. Sure we do – or we should have. But we should also have the right to say no to anything else, or anyone else.
Women are socialised not to say no: to put others first, and themselves behind. We see it all the time.
“Don’t blow your own trumpet – don’t boast.” So we minimise our achievements and wonder why men are promoted faster and paid more. Funny, boasting seems to work for them. Why not for us?
“Don’t nag.” Alternative phrasing: don’t tell someone else to get off their ass and do their fair share. Because after all, our time is valueless and we can be expected to spend twice or three or four or an infinite number of times more than anyone else, picking up their shit.
“You’re being selfish.” Usually translates to “how dare you have time to yourself when you should be doing something for someone else which you don’t want to do or which will cost you time or money,” or “how dare you have time for yourself when you could be doing something which is someone else’s share or responsibility but if they ignore it for long enough or put enough pressure on you’ll do it for them.” Women are so often expected to make everything work. “Oh, but you’re at home, you can easily look after my cat for a week while I’m away.” Actually, no. I don’t like pets – it’s why I don’t have one. Oh, but if you were a good friend you’d be happy to do it. It’s only a week. It’s no big deal. Well, maybe it’s not a big deal to you, but it is to me. And by the way, why the hell should I pay for its food, litter, and a litter tray? Do I have IDIOT stamped on my forehead or something?
And yet, we feel guilty about saying NO, even when the request is clearly inappropriate.
Why don’t we feel we have the absolute right to say NO to requests which will cause us difficulty? Why don’t we value having free time as highly as men value theirs? Why do we find it so hard to set boundaries even when our own finances, children, leisure time or health is at risk from complying with others’ demands?
But then, from our earliest days, little girls are socialised to be nice. It’s dressed up as being kind. What it actually is, is training girls to be submissive. To put their needs and wants last. To share everything. To do the tidying up. Not to take the last piece of cake. To dress in pretty clothes which are not always suitable for robust play. To sit quietly. To be polite, and not question. To pick up the pieces and make sure everyone else is happy, even if you are not.
But it shouldn’t be like that. Women should have the choice. The choice to say NO, I won’t cat-sit for you because I really don’t want to. The cat is your responsibility, not mine. The choice to say NO, I am not your servant. Clean your own dishes up. The choice to say NO, I’m going to trumpet my successes and go for that promotion and NO I am not going to share the corner office. The choice to say NO, I am not going to sacrifice my happiness to pick up someone else’s responsibilities.
And along with that goes the absolute right to say NO to any person of any description whatsoever with whom we do not want a romantic relationship. If I’m a straight female, I should not be called homophobic because I don’t want to date a lesbian. If I’m gay, I should not be called transphobic because I do not want to date a non-transitioned transperson. If I’m trans, I have the right to turn down a gay person because I am interested in persons of the opposite gender to my identified gender. And none of that is wrong.
I have the right to say NO to anyone I don’t want to date, for any reason whatsoever. And no-one has the right to say that I shouldn’t. That way lies, at the logical extreme, coercion into dating and sex.
And so we return to the article, which said essential things, but not enough of them. It’s not just about men, and sexual consent. It’s about everything.
Women have the right to say NO, simply because we don’t want to do something. We have the right to say NO, simply because we don’t want to do someone.
Women have the right to say NO.
Death in Focus: Passion and photography meet a multimillion dollar cover-up and murder.
Women have the right to say no to men, the article said. Sure we do – or we should have. But we should also have the right to say no to anything else, or anyone else.
Women are socialised not to say no: to put others first, and themselves behind. We see it all the time.
“Don’t blow your own trumpet – don’t boast.” So we minimise our achievements and wonder why men are promoted faster and paid more. Funny, boasting seems to work for them. Why not for us?
“Don’t nag.” Alternative phrasing: don’t tell someone else to get off their ass and do their fair share. Because after all, our time is valueless and we can be expected to spend twice or three or four or an infinite number of times more than anyone else, picking up their shit.
“You’re being selfish.” Usually translates to “how dare you have time to yourself when you should be doing something for someone else which you don’t want to do or which will cost you time or money,” or “how dare you have time for yourself when you could be doing something which is someone else’s share or responsibility but if they ignore it for long enough or put enough pressure on you’ll do it for them.” Women are so often expected to make everything work. “Oh, but you’re at home, you can easily look after my cat for a week while I’m away.” Actually, no. I don’t like pets – it’s why I don’t have one. Oh, but if you were a good friend you’d be happy to do it. It’s only a week. It’s no big deal. Well, maybe it’s not a big deal to you, but it is to me. And by the way, why the hell should I pay for its food, litter, and a litter tray? Do I have IDIOT stamped on my forehead or something?
And yet, we feel guilty about saying NO, even when the request is clearly inappropriate.
Why don’t we feel we have the absolute right to say NO to requests which will cause us difficulty? Why don’t we value having free time as highly as men value theirs? Why do we find it so hard to set boundaries even when our own finances, children, leisure time or health is at risk from complying with others’ demands?
But then, from our earliest days, little girls are socialised to be nice. It’s dressed up as being kind. What it actually is, is training girls to be submissive. To put their needs and wants last. To share everything. To do the tidying up. Not to take the last piece of cake. To dress in pretty clothes which are not always suitable for robust play. To sit quietly. To be polite, and not question. To pick up the pieces and make sure everyone else is happy, even if you are not.
But it shouldn’t be like that. Women should have the choice. The choice to say NO, I won’t cat-sit for you because I really don’t want to. The cat is your responsibility, not mine. The choice to say NO, I am not your servant. Clean your own dishes up. The choice to say NO, I’m going to trumpet my successes and go for that promotion and NO I am not going to share the corner office. The choice to say NO, I am not going to sacrifice my happiness to pick up someone else’s responsibilities.
And along with that goes the absolute right to say NO to any person of any description whatsoever with whom we do not want a romantic relationship. If I’m a straight female, I should not be called homophobic because I don’t want to date a lesbian. If I’m gay, I should not be called transphobic because I do not want to date a non-transitioned transperson. If I’m trans, I have the right to turn down a gay person because I am interested in persons of the opposite gender to my identified gender. And none of that is wrong.
I have the right to say NO to anyone I don’t want to date, for any reason whatsoever. And no-one has the right to say that I shouldn’t. That way lies, at the logical extreme, coercion into dating and sex.
And so we return to the article, which said essential things, but not enough of them. It’s not just about men, and sexual consent. It’s about everything.
Women have the right to say NO, simply because we don’t want to do something. We have the right to say NO, simply because we don’t want to do someone.
Women have the right to say NO.
Death in Focus: Passion and photography meet a multimillion dollar cover-up and murder.
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