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I’m the oldest in my family.

All my cousins and also my sister is younger than me.

Imagine, I had to be “The Example”.

I was the person responsible for their behavior and actions, at all times.

As a bonus to my pressure to be perfect, I was attending a private school, for 13 years, that belonged to my aunt.

Similarly, I had to be a leading example for my peers. Because I was the representation of my family, I had to be perfect.

If I was not wearing a uniform, attending classes, and following all the rules, how could have they asked it from others?!

All these years I heard messages like, you know better, you shouldn’t have done that, you are too smart for that, you are older, you know better and etc.

Imagine how much pressure I put on myself as an adult, being raised with those affirmations.

As an adult, I was deeply compassionate toward others’ pain, because I knew how much it hurt.

For my own pain?

Never!

The consequences of my mistakes never harmed me as much as my being hard on myself for making a mistake in the first place.

It was damaging.

Self-love, forgiveness, and compassion were too far away from where I was standing.

Every time I made mistake I felt so powerless. I hated myself. I hated my life. I hated my being and my existence.

Every time I didn’t get something right I would think that I didn’t deserve anything good to happen to me.

For years I lived with rage attacks.

As a Kid, I wasn’t really allowed to cry or have big emotions. So all of this pressure manifested in my anger outbursts.

I wish there was one thing that magically “fixed” me.

There was a combination of many things that helped me navigate myself out of the darkness.

Here are a few major things that made the most impact on me;

Acceptance

First and foremost accept where you are. Accept the situation. Accept your feelings, actions, thoughts, and emotions. Only acceptance will give you the power to transform yourself and your situation.

I started to have an Anger Journal

Write down all your thoughts, however awful, strange, or scary. After you are done burn them, cut them, tear them or put them in the trash. Now feel lighter. All of that has now left your body and you are free. Repeat as much as you want and as often as you need. Whenever you need it.

Anger is a Cover Emotion for Far

As I said before, making a mistake made me feel powerless. Being in that position is scary. Every time you are angry, try to find what’s the underlying cause. What are you scared of?

Do the things and surround yourself with people that Make You Feel Powerful

If seeing your father makes you feel powerless, try to limit his presence in your life. If your neighbor makes you feel powerless stop talking to them. It isn’t time to understand why certain people or situations trigger you. It’s time for you to put your well-being first. You have to create a space within before you’ll have the strength to reason and manage emotions.

This Quote, by Deborah Adele literally Saved Me

When we feel powerless, we have forgotten how much choice we really have. We have a choice to take action and we have a choice to change the story we are telling ourselves about our powerlessness.

I had this quote cut out from my gratitude calendar and put it on the wall.

I read it as often as I needed.

Reading and Listening to What Empowers you

You are what you consume. You watch a detective you feel like one. You watch a superhero you get inspired, you listen to a motivational speaker you get motivated, you listen to someone powerful you feel powerful. Make sure that anything and I mean anything you consume brings value to your life. Read interesting books that will help you grow and transform, listen to podcasts, and watch documentaries. Read lots of quotes. Do whatever you need to feel powerful.

There are many more things that I have done like yoga, working out every single day, and dressing up every day (even if I stay at home). This is just part of who I am and I’ve been this way for a very long time. I can’t say I’ve specifically done it for the purpose of healing but I’m sure it has supported the process. Because when I look in the mirror and I like myself, I like my body it always makes me feel confident which leads to me feeling powerful.

Meditation

The moment I started meditating every single day for at least 15 minutes, my life improved significantly. I was always on and off with meditation until I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger saying this:

I have been working out every day for years now. Because I care about how I look. So I thought to myself that my mind is equally important as my body and that I would do 1 thing each day for my mind. And for my soul, I say a little prayer every single day. If I eat and sleep every day I can do at least 1 thing for my mind-body and spirit daily.

Last Word

Healing is an ongoing process. Even yesterday I had an emotional day. I was sobbing and laughing at the same time saying to my mom that of course, I don’t have permission to be human and make mistakes. But it’s different today than it was before. Catching it is easier, letting it go is easier, happens much less and it’s easier to forgive myself.

Healing is a journey you go through until the day you die. You remove layer over layer. You become lighter and lighter until eventually, you gain control over your trauma, instead of it controlling you.

Trauma doesn’t disappear you just learn to tame it.

I hope you found my story helpful. In case you want to share your own story with me or ask questions about mine, find me on Instagram at @inuitivelyrich

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