The sheer volume of pseudoscientific drivel available on the subject of “getting in shape” is so dense, it could collapse in on itself and form a black hole of misinformation.

We are living in a hellish fitness funhouse where every corner is lined with smug, glistening torsos barking contradictory advice. It’s like every gym bro and spiritual moon-juice peddler formed a consortium dedicated to ensuring no two people on Earth can agree on the basic act of moving one’s body. The only consensus s...