All Apologies
Here comes Road Trip Update No. 4.
Road Trip Update No. 4 will probably be the second to last update before the road trip begins on September 11th. It includes a few exciting additions and adjustments to our ever-evolving itinerary, and some other details that you might find interesting.
Before we get into Road Trip Update No. 4, though, I want to apologize, sincerely, and repeatedly, for whatever I have or have not been doing that has caused the little graph that tracks the growth of my paid Substack subscriptions to look like this …
I’m sorry. Terribly, terribly sorry.
I’m not quite sure what I’m sorry for, but I have a few theories. I’ll try to get through them quickly.
Theory No. 1 is that I’m not a team player. I’m not on a side. Any side. Of anything. I don’t have a cause. I’m not part of a movement. Or a member of any political party. I do not subscribe to any specific ideology. I have absolutely no loyalty to any team, or side, or party, or movement, or set of ideological tenets. Which I realize is confusing for people who are on a side, or a team, or whatever, if they come across something I have written that seems to align with whatever side they’re on, and naturally assume that I am on their team, and then I publish something else that appears to align with the other side, or team, or ideology, which their side or team is staunchly opposed to, which is understandably confusing, and frustrating, and leaves them feeling betrayed or tricked, and prompts them to furiously unsubscribe from my Substack.
I am terribly, terribly sorry about that.
Theory No. 2 is that I tend to be somewhat confrontational, or sarcastic, or insulting, particularly when it comes to people surrending their critical faculties to a side, or a team, or a party, or an ideological movement, and behaving like a bunch of mindless herd animals, or the mob of villagers in a Frankenstein movie, which many readers enjoy (i.e, my sarcasm) when it’s directed at those they perceive to be on the other side, or team, or whatever, but do not enjoy as much when it’s directed at their side, which maybe that makes this part of Theory No. 1, rather than a theory unto itself, and in any event annoys these readers (i.e., the readers who have surrendered their critical faculties), and prompts them to furiously unsubscribe from my Substack.
Again, I’m terribly, terribly sorry.
Theory No. 3 is that I suck. That I started sucking in 2022 when Elon Musk and his consortium of global-capitalist entities purchased Twitter, and increasingly sucked throughout 2023, and then went full suck-hole in 2024, when Trump got elected and set about Making America Great Again again. According to this theory, readers gave me the benefit of the doubt for a while, trusting that my suckage was just temporary, and that I would eventually come to my senses and get on the MAGA train and start gratuitously spewing hatred at illegal immigrants and celebrating the occupation of major US cities by masked MAGA goon squads, and so on, but then—i.e., sometime circa that precipitous drop-off in the graph above—they finally realized that wasn’t going to happen, and that I suck, permanently, and probably always sucked, and just appeared to not suck during the Covid period, when the “other side” was rolling out the goon squads and fomenting hatred of political dissidents, and cracking down on “hate speech,” and doing all the other stuff their side is doing now.
Anyway, whatever I have done or am doing that is causing paid subscribers to dump me en masse, I’m sorry … terribly, terribly sorry.
I promise I’ll stop, and never do it again.
OK, so here’s that Road Trip Update, which is mainly about two exciting new events.
The first one is a gathering at St. Mary Church in Greenwich, CT, on October 27th.
And the other one is a gathering at Crows’ Feat Farm in Kensington, NH, on October 28th.
This will be our only real event in New England (i.e., the one at Crows’ Feat Farm). According to my wife, who is from New England, Greenwich, Connecticut doesn’t count as New England.
Here’s our current full itinerary. We should have details on events in The South fairly soon. Please note that I’ve added links to places like George’s restaurant in New York City, where we’ll be hanging out on September 11th until the memorial opens at 3PM, Joe’s BBQ in Kansas City, and Bohemian Biergarten in Boulder, CO, where we will be hanging out for a couple hours with some readers from the area who really wanted to connect with us. If you are in the vicinity of any of those places on any of those dates, feel free to drop by.
New York City — September 11. Road trip kicks off at George’s and 9/11 Memorial.Philadelphia, Pennsylvania — September 12. Meetings with locals.Washington, DC — September 13. Drinks with a high-powered attorney.Hillsboro, West Virginia — September 14. Reading event at Levels Depot (3PM).Chicago, Illinois — September 17. Visceral Adventure bonfire event (7PM).Chicago, Illinois — September 18. Integrity Media Group event.Peoria, Illinois — September 19. Gathering at a nearby horse farm.Kansas City, Missouri — September 20. Joe’s BBQ with a theater impresario.Council Grove, Kansas — September 21. Reading event at Carnegie Library (3PM).Boulder, Colorado — September 23. Gathering at Bohemian Biergarten (2PM).Pinedale, Wyoming — September 24. Gathering with locals.Missoula, Montana — September 26. Gathering with locals.Coeur d’Alene, Idaho — September 27. (TBD)Portland, Oregon — September 28. Reading event at The Scout in Gresham (6PM).Medford, Oregon — September 29. Reading event at Barnes & Noble. (6-8PM)Ashland, Oregon — September 30. Gathering at The Noble Fox (6-10PM).San Francisco, California — October 2-4. Event at local performance space. (TBC)Los Angeles, California — October 6-8. Meetings with locals.Sedona, Arizona — October 9. (TBD)Santa Fe, New Mexico — October 10. Gathering with locals.Austin, Texas — October 13. Gathering with locals.Baton Rouge, Louisiana — October 16. Event at Louisiana State University. (TBC)New Orleans, Louisiana — October 17. Meetings with locals.The South — October 18-23. Mississippi, Tennessee, North Carolina? (TBD)Washington, DC — October 24. Storming the Capitol. (Just kidding!)Greenwich, CT — October 27. Town-hall event at St. Mary Church.Kensington, NH — October 28. Gathering at Crows’ Feat Farm (4PM).And here’s the state of the crowdfunding campaign:
As I mentioned above, there will probably be one more pre-launch update, and I’ll be posting updates from the road, of course. So please stay tuned, regardless of whether you’re a paying or a free subscriber. I promise, I’ll do my best not to suck.
Heartfelt thanks again to everyone who is making this crazy project happen!
All best, as ever, from sunny Berlin,
CJ
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CJ Hopkins
August 26, 2025
Photo: International Mall, Miami, 1990, Hugo Fernandez, Professor of Fine Art Photography at LaGuardia Community College, CUNY, Long Island City, NY, USA.
DISCLAIMER: The preceding essay is entirely the work of our in-house satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins, and does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, Inc., or its staff, or any of its agents, subsidiaries, or assigns. If, for whatever inexplicable reason, you appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to support it, please go to his Substack page, or his Patreon page, or send a contribution to his PayPal account, so that maybe he’ll stop coming around our offices trying to hit our employees up for money. Alternatively, you could purchase his satirical dystopian sci-fi novel, Zone 23, or Volumes I, II, III, and IV of his Consent Factory Essays, or any of his subversive stage plays, which won some awards in Great Britain and Australia. If you do not appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to write him an abusive or threatening email, feel free to contact him directly.
