Back in the U.S.S.A.
OK, I’m not back in the U.S.S.A. quite yet, but I’ll be there Sunday night, assuming (a) the German officials allow me to leave, and (b) the Guardians of American Greatness at JFK Airport let me into the country.
I think they have to let me in. I’m still a U.S. citizen, after all, so they can’t “remigrate” me back to Germany, or rendition me off to some medieval gulag in El Salvador, or Uganda, or wherever. Or maybe they can. As far as I can tell, it seems like anything goes these days.
Just in case, I’ve been prepping for my reentry exam at JFK, you know, rehearsing my recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance, brushing up on racial epithets, and practicing my “Roman salute.” I couldn’t get my hands on a MAGA hat—I think it’s a felony to wear one in Berlin—but I got my wife to sign an affidavit attesting to my aggressive heterosexuality and hysterical fear of touching my own anus. So that ought to put to rest any worries that the Homeland Security Commissars might have about my flag-waving, red-blooded American status.
My collaboration with Hugo might be a problem, though. He is kind of … well, you know, a mulatto. But he is also the son of Cuban anti-communists, so that probably cancels the mulatto thing out. Or, I don’t know, maybe it doesn’t. I haven’t read the latest MAGA ukases.
Seriously, though, I’m not terribly worried about it. If I get any guff from the airport apparatchiks, I’ll just hand them a copy of one of my new books, Fear and Loathing in the New Normal Reich, the back jacket of which is festooned with endorsements from prominent members of the MAGA politburo, bigwigs like Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Jay Bhattacharya, and even J. D. Vance.
Granted, those endorsements were issued before my recent counter-revolutionary activities, race treason, and other thought crimes were exposed, but I doubt the goons at the airport will know that, unless they dig into my Substack, or my Twitter account, or read any of the essays in the book, in which case, sure, I might be in a little trouble.
Anyway, assuming I get in, we’re launching this crazy road trip project in New York City on September 11th, so this will be the final pre-launch update. I’ll update you on our itinerary below, but, first, let me tell you about a few new events.
On the evening of September 13, we’ll be doing a reading/discussion event at The Big Board, a bar and restaurant in Washington, DC, which you might remember from the Covid era, when they were shut down by the health authorities for refusing to enforce the “Covid measures.” If you’re in the area, I hope you’ll come join us.
On the evening of October 3, we’ll be doing a reading/discussion event at The Plant (Dogpatch), an organic cafe in San Francisco. This event is being organized by Sane Francisco, a local artist/musician who you might know from her popular Substack.
On October 14, we’re doing a town hall event at Louisiana State University in Baton Rouge. The location and time hasn’t been confirmed yet, but it will be around 6:00 or 7:00PM on campus somewhere, but probably not in Tiger Stadium. Geaux Tigers!
Due to popular demand, we’ve also scheduled a few informal gatherings at places like Pat’s King of Steaks in Philadelphia, Madtree Oakley Taproom in Cincinnati, Dick’s Primal Kitchen in Portland, Joe’s BBQ in Kansas City, and the Bohemian Biergarten in Boulder. See our itinerary below for dates and times.
I’ll be updating our itinerary on the America Road Trip Project page on my website as it continues to evolve. So, if you’re following our road trip and want to stay up-to-date, that’s where you should look. (These Substack posts will be out-of-date soon.)
Also, I’ll be posting short updates from the road on Substack Notes (rather than doing numerous Substack columns and flooding your email in-box), so, if you want to follow the trip day by day, and stay apprised of any additions or changes, follow me on Notes. I’ll try to publish at least one proper column a week, but I might not always have time to do that. Our itinerary is getting rather demanding, as you can see …
New York City — September 11. Road trip kicks off at George’s and 9/11 Memorial.Philadelphia, Pennsylvania — September 12. Lunch at Pat’s King of Steaks (1PM).Washington, DC — September 13. Reading/discussion at The Big Board (7-9PM).Hillsboro, West Virginia — September 14. Event at The Levels Depot (4:30PM).Cincinnati, Ohio — September 16. Madtree’s Oakley Taproom (7:30PM).Chicago, Illinois — September 17. Visceral Adventure bonfire event (7PM).Chicago, Illinois — September 18. Integrity Media Group event.Peoria, Illinois — September 19. Gathering at a nearby horse farm.Kansas City, Missouri — September 20. Joe’s BBQ (7:30PM).Council Grove, Kansas — September 21. Reading event at Carnegie Library (3PM).Boulder, Colorado — September 23. Gathering at Bohemian Biergarten (2PM).Pinedale, Wyoming — September 24. Gathering with locals.Missoula, Montana — September 26. Gathering with locals.Coeur d’Alene, Idaho — September 27. Breakfast. (TBD)Portland, Oregon — September 28. Gathering at Dick’s Primal Kitchen (1:30PM).Gresham, Oregon — September 28. Reading event at The Scout Wine Bar (6PM).Medford, Oregon — September 29. Reading event at Barnes & Noble (6-8PM).Ashland, Oregon — September 30. Gathering at The Noble Fox (6-10PM).San Francisco, California — October 3. Reading event at The Plant (5:30-8PM).Los Angeles, California — October 6-8. Meetings with locals.Sedona, Arizona — October 9. (TBD)Santa Fe, New Mexico — October 10. Gathering with locals.Austin, Texas — October 13. Gathering with locals.Baton Rouge, Louisiana — October 14. Town Hall at Louisiana State University .New Orleans, Louisiana — October 15-17. Meetings with locals.The South — October 18-23. Mississippi, Tennessee, North Carolina? (TBD)Washington, DC — October 24. A visit with FIRE .Greenwich, CT — October 27. Town-hall event at St. Mary Church .Kensington, NH — October 28. Gathering at Crows’ Feat Farm (4PM).Yes, we’re still working on our route through The South. There are a few potential events we need to sort out before we can plot the rest of our course. Hang in there with us, Southerners. I’ll update you as soon as I know anything.
And here’s the state of our crowdfunding campaign …
Thank you, everyone who has contributed to it!
OK, that’s it for the final pre-launch update. Wish me luck getting out of Germany, and dealing with the Guardians of American Greatness at JFK.
And stay tuned for reports from the U.S.S.A.!
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CJ Hopkins
September 3, 2025
DISCLAIMER: The preceding essay is entirely the work of our in-house satirist and self-appointed political pundit, CJ Hopkins, and does not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the Consent Factory, Inc., or its staff, or any of its agents, subsidiaries, or assigns. If, for whatever inexplicable reason, you appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to support it, please go to his Substack page, or his Patreon page, or send a contribution to his PayPal account, so that maybe he’ll stop coming around our offices trying to hit our employees up for money. Alternatively, you could purchase his satirical dystopian sci-fi novel, Zone 23, or Volumes I, II, III, and IV of his Consent Factory Essays, or any of his subversive stage plays, which won some awards in Great Britain and Australia. If you do not appreciate Mr. Hopkins’ work and would like to write him an abusive or threatening email, feel free to contact him directly.
