Six Super Secret Tricks for Succeeding in Self-Publishing

1. Price and value are direct corollaries. That’s Economics 101. The higher the price, the higher the value. So, for example, my book costs $256,300, which, not coincidentally, is how much a Lamborghini Gallardo goes for. If I sell four books a year, I’m a millionaire. I can open my own Lamborghini dealership.

2. People like surprises. So, when you have to categorize your book, you should figure out what the opposite genre is, and then say that. For example, if you write Erotic Prison Fiction, put it under Inspirational Memoirs. Surprise! If you write Historical Non-Fiction, file it under Comedy. That way readers are like, “When does this flu epidemic get hilarious? 1919 better come with an epic punch line.” Surprise! There’s just a lot of dead people.

3. Channel greatness. Nobody reads the middle of books. They read the first ten pages, then the book sits on their bedside table for six months, collecting coffee rings and guilt, and then when they can’t take it anymore, BAM, they read the last couple of pages just so they can stop lying to the terrible friend that loaned it to them. The moral is, only people in school and on toilets read the middle of books. So, don’t bother writing it. Just go to the library and check out something nobody’s ever read like Moby Dick or Ulysses, then pull out the middle bit and stick it in your book. Call it an homage if anybody says anything, and they won’t.

4. Protect your reputation. The problem with the internet is that everybody on it is an idiot. Smart people aren’t on the internet. They’re in Spacelab or in one of those big drilling mole machines on the way to the center of the Earth. Smart people only go online to check the weather and look up pictures of whoever the popular Jennifer is— Lopez, Aniston, Lawrence, whoever. The rest of everybody is an idiot. And they can comment on your book all they want. There’s not like a screening process. They can just sneak up on you like a ninja and besmirch you right in the business. They might say stuff like, “This story is alright, but the characters are whatever.” Or “This guy straight up filched four hundred pages from James Joyce!” You have to stand up for yourself. You have to comment back and set them straight. Use all caps. Profanity really gets people thinking, so use that. They’re going to fight back because that’s what idiots do. But you stand your ground. You can take legal action; the local news might want to hear about it. People can’t go around talking bad about other people’s property. This is America.

5. Consult a lawyer before signing any contracts.

6. Controversy sells. If after a few days your book isn’t selling, consider doing something really terrible IRL, like eating kids or something (I’m not saying you should eat a kid. That’s too big. You know, go a little smaller. Not like a baby.) Get arrested. Then, when the press and the judge and everybody asks you, “Why would you do this terrible thing?” (not cannibalism), you say, “I went totally crazy writing this incredible book called Blah, Blah, Blah.” And they won’t be able to believe it. How could this be, you know, that somebody could be driven to such extremes. And you say, “Well, you’ve got to read the book.” Tada. You only have to sell four copies.